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Humour

If Dumb was Dirt, this Writer would cover several acres…

If you want a good laugh, go read this (click through the 6 pages).

Now I wrote several articles for Rolling Stone in my time, a damned fine MUSIC magazine, but like NME they could never let it lie. Always had to get involved in stuff beyond their ken. A bloke name of Hunter S Thompson used to write for them as well, and would have pissed himself, stone cold sober, at this piece. He was rather fond of his guns you see, right up to his last moment.

Seeing as it is the weekend – almost.

This is Minnie Snodgrass trapped in a bucket. This happened in Yorkshire – this could only happen in Yorkshire. It is like Compo going down a hill in a bath. More generally it is just so Carry On. You can imagine the scene with Babs Windsor having a “bra malfunction”, Hattie Jacques like a galleon in full sail forcing Kenneth Williams into a corner and Jim Dale doing 80mph on a motorised floor cleaner through an exit into a laundry van – you know the drill. I can hear the ghostly laughter of dear old Sid James*.

The kid was rescued totally OK after A&E called in the firemen with their cutting gear. But that bucket! It is enough to wrinkle Norah Batty’s stockings.

*Rather a good straight actor in his day.

Learning To Think Like A Progressive

Steve Goddard tells us how.

Learning To Think Like A Progressive

Posted on June 23, 2014 by stevengoddard

Progressives do everything they can to drive young men insane, by repressing all normal male behavior and telling teens that they are destroying the planet by driving their car.

Then when teenage boys go completely insane and kill their peers with knives, cars, explosives and guns, progressives jump to the obvious conclusion that the madness could have been prevented by punishing duck hunters.

So that’s why we’re out already!

President Barack Obama, mistaken for England football defender Chris Smalling

Fuck me! even our Spivs are bleedin useless.

Some observations of foreign types in crowds

There was some strange behaviour outside my hotel this evening, instead of the usual languid European-style pavement restaurant with a few, mainly elderly residents enjoying their café under an iridescent evening sun as a few blonde haired goddesses drift by aimlessly on bicycles, there was a massed throng of unruly teens and drunken men filling the square in front of my hotel.

I presumed that it was some form of political protest as they were uniformly dressed alike, but apparently not, it was in fact an opportunity to get utterly paralytic on Heineken served in plastic cups while watching a giant TV screen erected at the end of the not-so-very-grand place. I initially presumed they were there to watch the local version of “America’s Next One Hit Wonder” or whatever it is called in The Land of Clogs.

(more…)

Cartoon of the Week.

17 June 2014

And the original, of course…

Midweek Misery Alleviator.

Obama’s Affordable Golf Ball Act

Thanks to the site “The People’s Cube,” we have this leaked conversation. One of the commenters (and the comments should definitely not be missed: one of them even has a photo of the Miss-us jivin’; and there’s one of a Bill Clinton that cannot be described in a forum published from the family-friendly state of Zanzibar) — one of the commenters goes so far as to state it’s satire, but I dunno — it sounds true-to-Obama. See what you think.

–J.

Obama’s Affordable Golf Ball Act

Red Square
2/28/2014, 1:36 am

This leaked phone conversation is beginning to circulate the Gulagosphere in the forms of emails and blog posts. We can’t imagine it can really damage the president’s progressive policy of GolfCare or his ratings – the voters just won’t care, like they didn’t care about the president’s similarly progressive policy of ObamaCare.

It did not matter what the opponents said or wrote about it, or what cartoons and Photoshopped pictures they posted on their websites that only the opponents read. Their attacks made the voters want to protect their beloved president even more desperately. That said, the Party members still need to be aware of this leak and prepare for rebuttals and refutations accordingly.

* * *

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1′s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

Customer) I don’t believe this…

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income…..

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a rip-off!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

_____________________
Golf visor tip to Beth Colvin

Midweek Humour

An infinite number of Mathmaticians

MAC on the Cinderella Law

Mac on the Cinderella Law

Laugh of the Day.

On the day that Antony Wedgewood-Benn was buried… So long Tone, let’s hope we don’t see your like again soon…

I was watching the Chase (a half way decent UK quiz show). This question was asked…

 

What did Tony Benn want removed from British Postage Stamps in the 60’s?

The contestant answered …

The Glue?

Ah from the mouths of clueless quizzers eh? the wrong answer of course but so very very right about Tony Benn. He really was that barmy.

Off to Dorset for a week.

Cartoon of the Week.

And God Created ….

The Creation Story As Told by the Dog

On the first day of creation, God created
the dog.

On the second day, God created man to
serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the
animals of the earth (especially the horse)
to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil
so that man could labor for the good of the
dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball
so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary
science to keep the dog healthy, and the
man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He
had to walk the dog.

–Author Unknown

Cartoon of the Week.

'Oh look, Cherie. Here's that old comfort letter I wrote to myself just before invading Iraq.'

An Exchange of E-Mails

Source is an image, but the whole thing is too good, too inspirational, not to share. Dedicated particularly to Nick, and any other Kitty-Kounting Konsultants from Zanzibar. :>)))

“I Wish I Worked with This Man”

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