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Android – I have no Desire for thee

A signal a signal my kingdom for a signalFurther to NickM’s post on his Android woes (of the current technology telecommunications variety rather than the future technology anthropomorphic electronic servant one), I was just going to post a comment, but it turned into a bit of a middle-aged-bloke-techno-rant.

Android vs Androids

However, since that is a perfectly valid perspective with a reasonable market share in the blogosphere, I thought I would upgrade it to a full-on blog post. I mean what the hell, it’s only electrons being shoved about isn’t it? – it’s not like they’ve got anything better to do – like holding together the structure of the universe…

So first-things-first, Sorry Nick, but I can’t help you with your problem, but it’s not because I don’t understand either the technology or your perspective (not that my knowledge of either necessarily helps your current predicament), because I have played a very, very minor role in developing the technology that you are currently afflicted with.

In between building hoppers for surface-to-air missile systems that couldn’t hit a barn door if they were holding the handle, I also worked on some of the 2G and 3G mobile phone technology at Marconi Electronic Systems as part of their military communications portfolio. I also sold part of a company based upon WAP and SMS-based message notification, so I’m not exactly clueless or even old-fashioned as far as both analogue and digital phone technology goes.

The problem is that the Motorola RAZRi you are holding in your hands is not really a mobile phone in the accepted sense. You might think it is, it might even be advertised as a mobile phone, but it fundamentally isn’t. What you are coveting in your palm is a piece of “Convergent Digital Technology

It is certainly the way of the future, along with James Tiberius Kirk , his toupée and the Tribbles, but it ain’t a part of the here-and-now.

Now don’t get be wrong, in actual fact it is a wonderful example of technological development, but it has been developed without any fundamental understanding of where it, or indeed the whole field of mobile communications is actually going.

Put simply, Nick’s Motorola RAZRi is about as close to a mobile phone as a Leopard 2A7+ tank is to the Trojan Horse.

One of these is not a Trojan horse

Now I may well be a cynical old sod, harking back to a technological antediluvian era which never really existed, but I tried out some of the 2nd generation Android technology with my last corporate mobile phone (an HTC Desire), back in 2011 and although it was very flashy in everything else, e-mail, contacts, storing data, mobile internet, games consoles, emulators, blah, blah, blah – it was fundamentally a shit mobile phone.

Half the time the call would either never pick up when I pressed “Accept” or if it did pick-up I couldn’t hear what the other party was saying anyway, or I got disconnected or it ran out of power or it just plain froze up on me or etc, etc, etc. You get the picture (unless its by MMS)

Now, I’m sure the technology and the reliability have moved on since 2011, but I was so fucked off with my initial experience of Android (and I expect iPhone’s are no better), that I decided there-and-then that my next phone would be a phone, not one of these fancy multimedia MTC gadgets, but just a phone – i.e. a 10-number keypad and two buttons, one to dial and one to hangup.

Since then I’ve been happy as Larry with a cheap, SIM-only, no contract, dual-SIM (Malaysian and European), battery-life-of-a-week Nokia 108 that I picked up in Penang for a groat (well 140 RM to be honest, but never-the-less cheap enough for me). It has a camera I’ve never used  and about the only accessory I have used on it is the Alarm Clock.

It works perfectly in Malaysia, Thailand, Singapore and Europe and I’ve never (to my knowledge) lost a call or misheard an address.

Maybe the technology has moved on since my failed experience in 2011, but I as a customer, certainly have. When Motorola invent a working teleportation device, let me know – but someone else can be the guinea pig – after all, I’ve read Stephen King’s “The Jaunt”.

Style Cycle

This is the first widely available electronic calculator. It’s a Sinclair Executive and at GBP 79.95 in 1972 you would need to be an executive.

An expensive, stylish and very pocketable gadget which had the “vision thing” of a maverick computer pioneer. Remind you of anything?

Now, I was about to wind-up with a Götterdämmerung of gotcha! There is a theory that fashion operates on a sort of 25-30 year cycle (you may have noticed some rather ’80s influenced clothes on the street recently) but the iPhone dates from 2007 so that’s 35 years. Is that pushing it? Or is the clothing cycle operating slightly faster than the ‘tronics one maybe? Any thoughts?

How the other 0.001% live…

David and Victoria Beckham have named their long-awaited first daughter Harper Seven.

Seven of course was Dave’s shirt number for Man Utd and England. That’s class that is. He was 23 at Real Madrid because local lad and star striker Raul had the 7 shirt and there would have been blood in the Bernabéu before that shifted. Of course that wasn’t the only thing that went Pete Tong for the Beckhams in Madrid. There was the Rebbeca Loos affair which was at least partially kicked-off by Victoria Beckham’s steadfast refusal to move away from her native Hertfordshire. Hertfordshire, if you ask me, is Essex with pretensions of being Surrey. Rebbeca Loos of course went onto greater fame manually masturbating a pig to ejaculation on Five. Madrid of course is abroad and they talk funny and have tapas rather than snacks. And Real Madrid had only located David in a villa in the same street as some dodgy old geezer called Juan Carlos… Yeah, too “posh” to share an address with the King of Spain. Of course Victoria’s unbelievable fondness for staying at home was one of the reasons for David’s initial falling out with Sir Alex. She resolutely stuck to the mansion in Hertfordshire (close to her mum apparently) and David had to commute to Manchester for training until Sir Alex laid down the law. Even then she wasn’t happy with his “crash-pad” in Alderley Edge. You ever been to Alderley Edge? I have. Deposit the motor in the car park and it’s BMW, Merc, another Merc, Porsche, Audi A-8, Corsa, Ferrari, Bentley, yet another Merc. Yeah the Corsa was ours. And the 4x4s (in Cheshire which is flat). I have never seen as many BMW X-5s in my entire puff. In Alderley the only means of transportation commoner is shoes and they probably cost more than the Corsa did. I have also been to Madrid and one of Victoria’s beefs against the gaff was that she needed to be close to the fashion hub of London which is rot. Madrid is a city where fashion is taken very seriously.

The “delighted” couple broke the news of her birth last night and later issued a ­statement revealing her name.

Why the scare quotes?

David Beckham’s Facebook post announcing the birth of his daughter

“It is a whole new thing for us – to have so much pink in the house, lilac in the house, and dresses.

I sincerely hope Harper grows up to be the second coming of Tank Girl in rebellion. Christ that sounds like living in Jordan (not the country).

“The clothes are ready, the room is ready, so we are all ready for it.” The couple, who married in 1999 and have three sons, Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, eight and Cruz, six, first announced news of Victoria’s pregnancy in January.

Former England captain David, 36, said at the time: “I’ve got some great news to tell you all. Victoria and I are expecting our fourth child this summer.

“The boys are very excited about the arrival of a new brother or sister.”

After planning for a British birth near their Hertfordshire home, the couple had a last-minute change of heart and opted to welcome their new arrival in Los Angeles.

Victoria, 37, enjoyed a pink-themed baby shower with pals in May, where guests included Eva Longoria, Tana Ramsay and Demi Moore.

I am an Ameriphile. We have much to thank the USA for but the baby shower is not one of them. Anyway, where was Elton John? Sounds exactly his kind of caper. Or maybe not…

The former Spice Girl even abandoned her trademark pout and broke into a smile as she and her A-list friends wrapped one another in toilet roll and posted pics on her Twitter page.

I dunno about A-list but they certainly ought to be on a list. A list of people I never want to invite to my home.