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Beyond Belief


The Daily Mail has photographic evidence. That wouldn’t fool Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle.

I know more important things have happened but the news about Jo Cox is still a bit vague.

But fairies – I couldn’t resist. Is there a word beyond risible?

It makes ya proud to be a Geordie…

A mother in Newcastle has had 17 children taken into care over a twenty-year period, which is thought to be the highest in the country.

The mother is believed to have been pregnant most of her adult life since the mid-80s, but was not allowed to keep any of her children, who are likely to have been taken from her hours after birth.

This follows research at the University of Lancaster into the feckless ways of Our Friends in The North. Gateshead (my old neck of the woods) came second (think about it) with a mere ten from one woman whereas Cumbria, Sunderland and Durham only got to only a measly nine tops each! For shame!

She must have some mental issues and a pelvis that could pass a bowling ball without discomfort.

I am proud to have been born in Newcastle and brought-up well in Gateshead. I grew-up with heroes like George and Robert Stephenson, Parsons (inventor of the steam turbine), Lord Armstrong (industrialist), Darling (heroine) and Swan (co-inventor of the lightbulb). Not the culture of Geordie Shore.

We are rich in culture. The RSC has a permanent season at the Theatre Royal on Grey Street (named for the Prime Minister)

Charles Grey, 2nd Earl Grey, KG, PC (13 March 1764 – 17 July 1845), known as Viscount Howick between 1806 and 1807, was Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland from 22 November 1830 to 16 July 1834. A member of the Whig Party, he backed significant reform of the British government and was among the primary architects of the Reform Act 1832. His government also saw the abolition of slavery in the British Empire. In addition to his political achievements, he has come to be associated with Earl Grey tea.

He has an enormous monument in the centre of the city though the scum that make-up “Geordie Shore”… Well, I will bet you none of them don’t have the slightest idea who he was. They just see Grey Street as a gateway to the Quayside bars where they can buy three shots for a fiver. Or whatever.

Or they could but I would lay my life they never darkened the towels there there is the Lit and Phil which boasts amongst other things the largest private library in this country outside of London.

But a private libray is Elitist Nick? Au contraire!. Look at those annual membership costs. That is less than the fucking TV license (and if you are a kid or student it is a snippance). Nothing is elitist if you can get it for GBP120 pa. Access to a very nice building and borrowing rights to up to twelve books at a time with a very fluid returns policy. Sounds OK to me.

Having 17 kids you cannot provide for you are are nothing but elitist because if that isn’t a sense of entitlement I dunno what is.

One born every minute.

AGAs were first imported into the UK in 1929 and are now solely manufactured by Aga-Rayburn in England. All the principal casting for AGA Cookers are made at the historic Coalbrookdale Foundry in Shropshire, where in 1709, Abraham Darby became the first person to smelt iron using coke instead of charcoal.

From Google, emphasis mine.

Someone, called Toby, of the Tribe known as the Bellendis Maximii. It would appear Tobe bought a pig in a poke. And got an extended warranty. Fools and their money rarely stay together.

The AGA allegedly cost GBP10,000 which bends spacetime. I recently bought a washing machine and it cost 274 notes (the old one – and it was old and was leaking like it had a prostate problems and behaving like a Dalek with the Dance of St Vitus. My new washer cost that inc. delivery, fitting, testing and ensuring I never saw the old Hotpoint again.

Anyone who spends 10 grand on a cooker is a mentalist. Have a look at this. That would do me. OK, the fitting and the rest is gonna what? Take it up to 300 notes tops. That is 3% of the AGA which doesn’t fucking work.

I mean really. What sort of twat buys an appliance for the cost of a fairly cheap car (The Dacia Duster SUV starts at 11 grand)? I could build a super-computer for ten grand. It’s the sort of thing I might do if I had the cash to flash. What I wouldn’t do is spend it on a cooker that looks like it was designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

He only has himself to blame. You can’t even turn the fucking things on and off again without getting George Stephonson and last I heard he wasn’t on call. Even for the 150 quid AGA charges for a call-out. That is not including parts. The way I see that the only way to afford an AGA is to work for AGA. And to be fair even if I did I’d want like a Samsung. I want something a bit C21st and not Ivor the fucking Engine turning my kitchen into a scene from Mount Doom.


Daily Fail (Again).

* WWI icon Field Marshall Horatio Herbert Kitchener died on June 5 1916
* On mission to Russia his ship the HMS Hampshire exploded off Scotland
* HMS Hampshire sunk in Scapa Flow, the scene of recent Battle of Jutland
* Lord Kitchener widely known for being face of WWI recruitment posters

Emphasis mine. From here.

I dispare. That is like saying the Somme occurred in the Yorkshire Dales.

I can take any quantity of editorial bias but when it comes to simple, checkable facts about a battle that has been heavily in the news recently due to the centenary.


But wait there is more! The farticle also gives the oxygen of publicity to the idea that Kitchener made it to Russia and… became… Joseph Stalin.

More fun with white goods…

A woman who bought a second-hand freezer from her neighbour for just £20 ($30) got an added extra she hadn’t quite bargained for.

For the ice chest was already full – with what is believed to be the body of the seller’s mother. [Read the whole thing here].

The unnamed buyer called the police after the gruesome discovery in Goldsboro, North Carolina last week.

How times change. It would have been the fruit cellar in the past…

The Drinking of Heroes…

The man in his late 20s took on the reckless dare in the Spanish resort of Magaluf.

After drinking five pints of beer in one venue, the unknown, solo reveller moved to Lush bar and ordered the cheap liquor – thought to be 42% proof Sambuca.

Egged on by crowds, he knocked back the 75 shots.

He is a apparently in hospital in a “serious” condition. I once did something like this. I was dared on the karaoke in a pub in Manchester so I double-dared my wife and we wound-up singing, “I Got You Babe”. I guess that is a bit different.

You can’t have it both ways.

“We are stronger together” is the sort of meaningless platitude pols of every stripe use all the time and have done since whenever. You put your own interpretation on Clinton’s phrase. But you cannot post that next to a claim that Herr Hoffer is not a Neo Nazi. He wore a cornflower. A symbol of pan-German stuff and we all know where that lead us… And is that not a very explicit call to unity?

It’s all over folks!

Recently we had a gardening day here. Lots of weeding and such. I didn’t participate because it was very high pollen and everyone would have thought my entire family had flown EgyptAir.

Anyway, someone found the severed leg of a miniature goat. It is good it was found because it might have put the mindfulness group off the their meditations and onto their meds. The finder at first thought (due to it’s colour – black with bits of white) it might have been the cat until it was pointed out to him that cats don’t have hooves – he accepted his mistake in good grace.

Imagine a cat with cloven hooves! That is exactly what I want for my mission of evil. So, Mr Bond… and all that jazz. I guess I could get a Mao suit in Manchester. I certainly know parts of the city where I could get a scar…

I evinced the feory it was a fox what done it and there is a farm next to us…

…but you can’t help but wonder Kanye? (West – for those not hip enough to be a femur)

There is something in the woods out there. Something evil. A few years back I found a small soft toy crucified with barbed wire on a fence and then, a bit later, an abandoned toilet seat. I burnt the later though it might have come from The Lost Aracrapper of Doom (who indeed knows?). The omens are building. It is truly The End of Days!

Good heavens!” I cried. “Who would associate crime with these dear old homesteads?” “They always fill me with a certain horror. It is my belief, Watson, founded upon my experience, that the lowest and vilest alleys in London* do not present a more dreadful record of sin than does the smiling and beautiful countryside.”

- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

The second coming is upon us and it is happening in semi-rural, semi-suburban North-East Cheshire. The Daily Mail will tell in due course what effect this has on house prices but recall you heard this here first. I’m just waiting for the beast with seven heads and ten horns or possibly just Wayne Rooney.

*now gentrified and it’ll cost you a hundred grand for a dog house.

The lament of the home-sick Jihadi.

A British jihadist has told how he misses Greggs as well as his friends and family after fleeing for war-torn Syria.

The Islamic State fighter, who gives his name as Abu Abdullah Britani and speaks with a London accent, made the comments in a video interview posted on YouTube by an online news organisation.

My heart bleeds… Last time I had something from Greggs I felt an act of terrorism was occurring in my oesophagus. That’s why I now go to Subway or Pret where they sell food rather than the contents of kitty-pouches bowked into a pasty.

He goes on…

Britani also uses the interview, conducted in a trench in Syria, to say he felt compelled to travel to the country to avenge the “rape of sisters and the killing of children” – although he admits it is bloodthirsty.

So ISIS doesn’t rape, pillage and kill everything that walks or crawls? He’s either an idiot or deluded or believes it’s OK to do that for Allah (these are not mutually exclusive). I tend to go with idiot mainly. Going off to jihad seems increasingly to me like a sort of rebellion like punks in the ’70s with the major caveat that dying your hair pink and getting a nasal septum ring is not the same thing in terms of externalities. I am fairly sure Johnnie Rotten never raided a Yazidi school, massacred the teachers and then raped the girls. Both tracks are “acts of rebellion”. One annoys your Gran and the other is plain evil.

But there is something else going on with this guy which is deeply conservative (note the small “c”). When I go abroad I want to eat different food and experience a different culture. But I have seen enough Brits abroad who consider places like Costa Brava or Malta as Blackpool with better weather. Drinking bitter in the “Red Lion” and tucking into fish and chips whilst reading The Mail. They are arseholes in my book but mostly harmless like the punks.

This fellow isn’t and if he ever returns to the UK he ought to dragged on a sled down Newcastle’s Grey Street on a Saturday night and have all the lads and lasses pelt him to death with Gregg’s Steak Bakes.

That’ll learn him. And it is all they are good for anyway.

Biodynamic eggs…

First off I have an A in A-level biology and an MSc in astrophysics. I have have no qualifications in being a gullible twat.

Secondly, I am a very good cook.

When I buy eggs I always go for proper free range (note the term can cover a multiple of things) and I do this on the basis of genuine animal welfare and not the position of the planets.

BTW I did sixth-form work experience in a lab at Newcastle University and it was into GM-ing cassava toremove the toxins because whilst cassava is a staple for much of Africa (and elsewhere – it grows anywhere) it contains toxins that have to be removed by a lengthy process. Now if genetically modified cassava can be free of the toxins then the work of the rural housewife is dramatically decreased. Which means…

… Let’s see shall we?

And quite frankly I’d rather see poor Tanzanians benefit in a tangible fashion rather than Hipsters from Hoxton. The first group are feeding their families, the second their egos.

So what is a “biodynamic egg”? It is an egg laid according to astrology. Here day fights with night. And they charge more for them – 10p more for six than “organic” eggs.

I weep tears of blood. Norman Borlaug must be spinning in his grave.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a place for vaguely spiritual ideas (and the established religions) but what really gets my goat is the “vaguely spiritual” and their attempt to cross the divide. Science ought to be about this world and religion about the next. Science (including pseudo-science) has no place in morality and religion none in science.

The one where iDave is right…

I have met a number of people who were of the opinion Nigeria was hopelessly corrupt. Most of them Nigerian which was why they lived in England.

So iDave was “undiplomatic” but he spoke the truth. If that ain’t true explain this.. A few years ago we dumped a sofa and I slit it and got eight quid out of it. I want a Nigerian sofa because that is a hell of a lot of sponds to go astray. Obviously I’d need a hole in the ceiling and a Sepp Blatter to get on it to watch Sky.

And that is just the military budget. So don’t piss on my my back and tell me it is raining.

Yes, we give Nigeria a lot of aid. It mainly goes the way of Keyser Söze. I don’t mind some of my cash going to build wells and such for the desperately poor but lining the pockets of gits is a bit above and beyond.

We do enough of that here anyway.

Gender Identity & The Scientific Method.

I once had an office-mate called S. She had a female gerbil called Padmé (that is what happens if you allow astrophysicists of my generation to have pets). Anyway one Friday night my flat mates were out and they had a male hamster called Hammy (they were not from the top drawer in the tool box).

Anyway, I had a nice bit of fish so S and I had dinner round my gaff (not a date – just mates) and she asked if she could bring Padmé (and some wine). OK, S. So well into the second (maybe third) bockle we decided to see how the rodents would play together.

Guess what happened? The gerbil mounted the hamster and tried to make sweet, sweet love to it despite the gerbil being female and the hamster being male. In short the gerbil attempted to roger the hamster. Whilst two astrophysics students who were drunk (and somewhat stoned) watched. It was like a deleted scene from a David Lynch movie.

There is a moral here but I’m fucked if I know what it is. I may never have taught a pug to salute Hitler but I was (it was S’s idea in case the rozzers call) am somewhat an accessory (I opened the cage) to an attempted rodent on rodent rape.

Yes, Your Honour I have done questionable things but…

… Who hasn’t done questionable things. It all started with bringing fire into the cave.

Now I’m not claiming that S and my experiment was the “Italian navigator entered the New World” but the spirit of curiosity is the reason you are reading this drivel (and I’m writing it).

I know that quote from my Solar System Dynamics text by Carl Murray who taught me at QMC, London. I have scars from trying things out (usually with fire). But dear me! Unless you try the new what the buggery (arguably a bad term in the rodential context) and for every Enrico Fermi in his squash court there are a couple of pissed grad-students letting the rodents run just for the Hell of it. And that is why I did physics. For the sheer fucking Hell of it.

That is why for example I’d wannabe in the cockpit of the Bloodhound with Andy Green when he tries to drive a car at over 1000mph. The sheer Hell of it.

PS. neither rodent appeared harmed at all.

Greater Manchester Police apologise for noticing

So Greater Manchester Police were carrying out this terror exercise yesterday

And some people now apparently feel safer. Why? This is all about the response to an attack and a possible follow up, rather than the attack itself.

Now if GMP had said “You know what, we need to arm our citizens, we trust the law-abiding to be able to carry Glocks and if they are properly trained they could personally respond to a Paris style attack, rather than being slaughtered like sheep as we know from recent events they will be. We recognise that the terror advice of ‘run, hide, tell’ is treating people like children and is wildly reckless”

But of course, they didn’t say that. Instead they found themselves apologising to our constantly offended friends in the Muslim community. Some people were simply baffled as to why GMP might think an attacker might shout “Allahu Akbar” before committing murder.

Well they could look at recent terrorist attacks in the UK and on the continent and see what religious group is statistically over-represented per capita? Or they could look at the German knife attack this very day and see if there is any suggestion the perpetrator shouted “Die in the name of Ganesh” They could look at which culture is murderously intolerant of others, which one fails to integrate to such an extent that even Trevor Phillips has noticed.

However, instead of looking at the glaringly obvious reasons why anyone might simulate an exercise like that, they can instead be assuaged by the words of ACC Gary Shewan. Mr Shewan thought it unacceptable and apologised for any offence caused, (sic).

When a weak, divided but tolerant culture is confronted by a strong, homogenous, wholly intolerant culture, is it reasonable to assume those two cultures can peacefully co-exist? When people get wholly offended at obvious assumptions, but aren’t visibly standing up for the laws and culture and standards of the host community is there a problem? When leftist fellow travellers conclude the only problem here is the police making assumptions aren’t we doomed as a culture?

We can either choose to recognise and call out existential threats to our way of life, or we can go meekly into the pages of history as a culture that refused to see what is now apparent, and defend itself accordingly.

The Order of Yoni…

That is Alexandra Brendlova. (yes, “Carry On fans it is somewhat similar to “bendover”). She is a Czech model. A model advertising beer… Well who’d thunk that one up. But this is no ordinary beer… Oh, no.

Imagine woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion… Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want. Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer. The golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with instincts. Imagine the beer which every sip is a randez-vous with this hot woman of your dreams… she hugs you and kiss you gently, looking straight into your eyes… How much would you give for that beer?

Read the whole thing. It’s sort of inverse beer-googles. Thank you Poland and Czechia! It is a reason to vote “in”. Sorry my innuendometer is stuck at FSD. I must try harder.

Can you imagine the meeting with the bank manager to fund this?

“We want 400,000 Zloty and access to a Czech model’s vagina.”

“The dream of us all…”

If there is a point to this (and there isn’t) this frivolity (and it is obviously a novelty product) it is a sheer celebration of the freedoms these nations were for so long denied. There is something glorious in this. It also, in a sense, shows these are not the huddled-masses the Daily Mail thinks are overwhelming our NHS etc. These are modern, vibrant countries. I know because I been to them several times. I doubt the average Daily Mail reader has and quite frankly a bit Neville Chamberlain. “A far away country of which we know little”. Nev, me old China I can get to Prague cheaper than the train to London. Whether I sample vagina ales is another matter.

Here endeth the lesson.

Nearly. An awful lot of immigrants to the UK from Central and Eastern Europe are highly skilled. How exactly is that harmful? How precisely can an Estonian nurse be seen as a drain on the NHS? When the NHS is short of nurses. Until we get out of the rut of thinking every human is a drag and not a benefit we will languish with 0.1% economic growth.

We didn’t object when Poles and Czechs (and many others) flew Spitfires in 1940 did we?

Well some of us (much later) did…


These are long-standing friends and allies The idea they are moochers is ludicrous. Who was it who did a “Ride of the Rohirrim” at Vienna in 1683? Where did the only person to ever win Nobel prizes in physics and chemistry come from and who laid my mum’s patio?

That is an epic fail even by BNP standards. Look closely at the nose.

And I still haven’t seen the big tent.

Microsoft OneDrive – Bait and Switch

Important Changes to OneDrive

So ponder this, you are one of the worlds largest suppliers of computer software, competing in a highly competitive market which is already saturated. Which of the following sounds like a market winning strategy?:

  • Increase the value-add to your existing data mining customers by providing ever more dimensions on which to analyse customer information (Facebook, Google)
  • Look around at the offerings from your competitors and cut your offering (which is currently the same) to 1/3rd of that and tell customers that all that stuff they were getting for free, they are now going to pay for (Microsoft)

Maybe I’m missing the point here and Microsoft thinks that, despite their many and obvious failures from Bob to Bing, they are somehow beloved by their customers, who will not simply dump them in favour of Google?

Anyone? *crickets*

For myself, I’ll copy everything over to Google and just leave my 10.6 GB of data on the OneDrive. What are they going to do? Charge me?

In fact I’m severely tempted to fill it up to the maximum 15GB 30GB with any old crap and let them sort the wheat from the chaff.

As the Americans say “Good luck with that

[UPDATE - I forgot that as I have both OneDrive and the Camera Roll Bonus I have twice the storage space to screw over - Whooopee!]

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