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December, 2009:

Dumb, Dumber & Dumbest

A few years ago in the afternoon C4 used to show a quiz show called “15-1″. It was a proper quiz with quite hard questions and a hint of tactical play. The ultimate prize at the end of a series was a nice classical antiquity and the knowledge that you’d actually got that prize through erudition and skill. It was replaced a couple of years ago in the schedules with Deal or No Deal. This is a “game” of such moronic stupidity that when I first saw it I watched awe-struck. It’s essentially a big-money guessing game with the reprehensible Noel Edmonds geeing up a bunch of retards to open shoe boxes. Ludicrously he asks the contestants if they have a strategy. If there is a strategy to opening boxes at random then my discrete math and statistical mechanics lecturers lied to me. Apparently Edmonds is into something called “Cosmic Ordering” which boils down to getting whatever you want as long as you really, really, really want it. The last time I tried that I was about six years old and it was a BMX. I’ll try again. Right now I really want to be in hot-tub in Hawaii sharing umbrella drinks with Dita von Teese and Uma Thurman. Oh Bugger! I’m still in a shed in Cheshire typing this tripe.

I thought the game show could sink no lower…

I was wrong. Not to be outdone in the headlong dive to the shallow end of the gene pool the BBC introduced Hole in The Wall. The celebrity contestants wear jumpsuits which leave very little to the imagination and a giant polystrene wall with an odd-shaped hole moves towards them. The contestant(s) have to contort themselves to fit through the hole or the wall knocks them into a swimming pool. And that Dear Reader is it. That is Saturday night prime-time entertainment from our beloved state broadcaster. I doubt Orwell himself could have conceived of such inane prolefeed.

I thought the game show could sink no lower…

I was wrong. Enter stage-left five* with Heads or Tails.

HEADS OR TAILS
Heads or Tails is a brand new prime-time game show hosted by Justin Lee Collins.
The game is based on contestants correctly calling the results of a series of ‘Heads or Tails’ coin flips to win a cash sum. On the way they can elicit the help and advice of relatives, friends and a celebrity guest as to what their call should be. The object is for the player to amass as much money and as many lives as they can into a prize fund that becomes the basis for a ‘Double or Halve your Money’ end game.

Oh Gods! “elicit the help and advice of relatives, friends and a celebrity guest”. Seriously. Asking the advice of some member of a largely forgotten boyband to predict the toss of a coin. Why did I ever bother to learn probability theory? Why? I could have just asked Jordan’s massively pneumatic mammaries**…

A few years back the long-running Viz strip Roger Mellie the Man on the Telly had Roger suggest to his producer a new gameshow called “Celebrity Shit in a Bucket”. You’d get a minor sleb up a step ladder and contestants would guess if they could accurately defecate into a bucket. It would not surprise me to see this turn-up fronted by Ant & Dec on ITV1.

*The singer/actor turned businessman Adam Faith’s last words before his ticker gave out were apparently, “It’s all shit on five”. Whilst hardly a Wildean way to go there is no doubt as to the veracity of Mr Faith’s final observation.
**If she ever has any breast problems she doesn’t see a doctor – she goes to Kwik Fit.

All Your Donations are Belong to Us

It is a truth universally acknowledged by decent people that the shower of utter gits that make-up the British Government are so low that they scuttle on ragged claws along the bottom of an abysmal trench in the Pacific. That’s pretty low but just when you thought they couldn’t sink any further they start using those reagged claws to dig.

Hundreds of millions of pounds of charity donations to hospitals are to be “nationalised” under an NHS accounting change, which critics say will make it easier to slash health budgets.

Ministers are imposing new rules on NHS charities requiring all donations — including those to specialist children and cancer units, local fundraising campaigns, teaching hospitals and local community trusts — to be listed on a hospital’s balance sheet.

The Charities Commission says that this is “wholly inappropriate” because combining the trust and charity accounts will jeopardise the charity’s autonomy and discourage donations. About £330 million was given to 300 NHS charities in the year to June 2008, and they control an estimated £2 billion of assets. A spokeswoman for the Commission said: “The Charity Commission does not agree with the interpretation of the accounting rules in the Department of Health letter to NHS bodies. We are currently engaging with the Department on this matter.”

Charities also fear that the change, due to come into effect in April, will be used as a smokescreen to hide cuts in health spending, with ministers reducing funds for organisations such as children’s hospitals that have successful charitable arms.

Can you imagine a more heinous act than stealing money that people donated of their own free will from a children’s hospital? It’s the sort of act that would have piqued the conscience of Hitler or Saddam – if only briefly. It is a poke in the eye with a pointed stick to all those generous souls who run marathons in deep-sea diving suits and do similar antics. They thought they were doing it to help get an CAT scanner when it turns out they’ll soon be doing it to shore up the thoroughly fucked finances of a country that is rapidly heading to banana republic status without the climate to grow that fine soft-fruit.

Whilst I agree with the take of the Charities Commission that this is cutting NHS funding on the sly there is something else much more important going on here. It is outright theft of course but it’s also a deliberate undermining of civil society of which charities – real charities – not the quangoized abominations that now predominate – are a vital part. Just up the road from me is the Christie Hospital in Manchester. It is one of Europe’s leading cancer hospitals. It has a massive fund-raising scheme supported by the folks round here (yes, I’ve put a few pennies in the tin on occasion in the hope I need never use the facility) and organisations such as Manchester United Football Club. That the tentacles of government are going to grab that cash makes me sick. And grab it they will for this is but the thin end of a slippery slope and all this money will, via smoke and mirrors, end-up in the central money pit never to be seen again*.

It really is another nail in the coffin of a once free nation because fundamentally it’s saying that Whitehall ought to control everything. Forget the time, effort and money given freely by the people of the North West of England** or the consultants (what do they know?) spending it on things they feel they need to improve patient treatment because politicians and civil servants know best.

When I was a kid the local authority declared itself a “Nuclear Free Zone” and blocked the efforts of the local hospital to obtain a nuclear magnetic resonance scanner in their profound ignorance of physics***. This despite the money having been raised charitably. Yes, the money was there but that pesky N-word blocked it. Until some wiley chap at the hospital got it through by calling it a “magnetic resonance scanner”. Same thing of course. I wonder if that’s why it’s called MRI rather than NMR these days?

That is the pig-headed mentality of the people who will now be in charge of such funds. They’ll probably insist it’s all green or something: “Sorry sir, the X-ray is cancelled – not enough wind for the turbine you see…”

And if you doubt the sheer mind-bending incompetence of these people read this.

At this festive time of the year it is enough to make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage.

*Remember all that hoo-hah about the LHC at CERN possibly creating a black hole – Whitehall got there well before the particle physicists.
**If you can think of a more worthy cause than a cancer hospital please let me know…
***Or much of anything else for that matter.

Sack him

Who the hell does this man think he is?

Keir Starmer, the Director of Prosecutions, has widened the rift with the Conservatives after rejecting Tory plans to give greater protection to householders who tackle burglars.

This bloke is a civil servant, paid to do the will of Parliament, advise his minister, and otherwise shut the fuck up. He is not paid to undermine any political policy, from any party or source.

If he wants to partake in the political process he quits his job first. As it is, no honest politician can work with him again – which won’t stop New Labour.

H/T David Davis

A young boys thrill

Kaor my friends.

Tars Tarkas, Kantos Kan, Mors Kajak.

These names mean anything to you?

No?

You poor deprived bastard. I really do feel sorry for you; Barsoom never held you in its thrall.

Although, I got to admit, when I first came across them reading about semi naked oviparous Martian princesses was about as exciting as it got.

Now, I guess this will be no news to those out there who give a stuff about Hollywood, but I don’t, and I am usually the last to know these things. Hell, Avatar was already in the cinema before I even heard of it.

Anyway, the big news is – they are making a movie of A Princess of Mars!!!!!!!

Finally. Only a hundred years after it was first published.

Yaaaaaaaaaay.

In fact, two movies. The first, by The Asylum, a crowd who specialise in cheap knockoffs, was released yesterday on straight to DVD, and the other starts filming in Jan, 2010.

For those who have never ridden a thoat under the hurtling moons may I present Captain John Carter of Virginia, Jeddak of Jeddaks, Warlord of Mars, Deja Thoris – the most beautiful woman in two worlds, and Woola, the ever faithful calot. And what looks to be a dead thark.

KBS-Frazetta-APrincessOfMars-LG

And if you don’t know what I am talking about – stuff you. Just to show you a little more of what you missed growing up, here we have more of what enthralled me:

John Carter and Deja Thoris in traditional pose (and dress), him defending her on the steps of an abandoned temple, one of the great six limbed white apes who inhabit the deserted cities of a dying planet, hideous plant men from the Valley Dor, blood thirsty warrior Tharks, the great flying ships of the mighty Heliumetic navy, and a banth, waiting to prey on any and all the others.

johncarterofmars

Don’t tell me I had a boring childhood.

Pachauri

Richard has yet one more of his postings about the gentleman chair of the IPCC. The railway engineer is expressing an opinion (common parlance – whining) about the range of people saying these horrible things about him.

All of these “Vested Interests”, including some organised group known as “The Sceptics”.

Of course, his foundation has no vested interest. At all.

How do we know this? Hah, be real, if we can’t believe someone so intertwined with the motley CRU and the hockey team, then who can we believe?

Anyway, Richard’s headline gets part way there, but he missed a wonderful opportunity – one I’m grabbing:

 

And following on from that, do I feel any sympathy for Dr Pachauri? The man who wants to prevent the little people, us, sharing his lifestyle?

Take it away Sid -

Voice raised against state brutality

Today, in the Sydney Morning Herald:

Perhaps the worst aspect is that the blind egotism of a privileged and rich minority is attempting to lay the burden of the necessary sacrifices on the vast majority of the planet’s inhabitants.

That contradiction is reflected in Copenhagen. Thousands of people are there, fiercely defending their points of view.

The Danish police are resorting to brutal methods to crush resistance; many protesters are being preventively arrested.

(…)

As television channels have broadcast the footage, the world has been able to see the fascist methods used against the people in Copenhagen. The protesters, young people in the main, who have been repressed, have earned the solidarity of the peoples.

Well, yes, the behaviour of the police and our self designated ‘leaders’ stunk to high heaven, but what do you expect of a world increasingly dominated by the self righteous and intolerant left?

So who was this paragon who admires the protesters and rails against state repression?

Read it all here.

Just when you think these bastards have already sunk to the very sewers of Nifelheim, they stage an obscenity like this.

H/T Andrew Bolt

Unlike Barry

I bow to no man:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

                                   Invictus,

                                   William Ernest Henley

Gordon? Kevin?

Do you get it?

We are a free people. How dare you.

Feed the World – Defeating the Greens With The Ultrasonic Nebulizer

The Greens, in their own words…

In my view, after fifty years of service in the United Nations system,
I perceive the utmost urgency and absolute necessity for proper
Earth government. There is no shadow of a doubt that the present
political and economic systems are no longer appropriate
and will lead to the end of life evolution on this planet.
We must therefore absolutely and urgently look for new ways.

The concept of national sovereignty has been immutable,
indeed a sacred principle of international relations.
It is a principle which will yield only slowly and reluctantly to
the new imperatives of global environmental cooperation.

Effective execution of Agenda 21 will require a profound
reorientation of all human society, unlike anything the world
has ever experienced a major shift in the priorities of both
governments and individuals and an unprecedented
redeployment of human and financial resources. This shift
will demand that a concern for the environmental consequences
of every human action be integrated into individual and
collective decision-making at every level.

Isn’t the only hope for the planet that the
industrialized civilizations collapse?
Isn’t it our responsibility to bring that about
?”

A cancer is an uncontrolled multiplication of cells;
the population explosion is an uncontrolled multiplication of people.
We must shift our efforts from the treatment of the symptoms to
the cutting out of the cancer. The operation will demand many
apparently brutal and heartless decisions
.”

A total population of 250-300 million people,
a 95% decline from present levels, would be ideal
.”

One America burdens the earth much more than
twenty Bangladeshes. This is a terrible thing to say.
In order to stabilize world population,we must eliminate
350,000 people per day. It is a horrible thing to say,
but it’s just as bad not to say it
.”

Childbearing should be a punishable crime against
society, unless the parents hold a government license.
All potential parents should be required to use
contraceptive chemicals, the government issuing
antidotes to citizens chosen for childbearing
.”

If I were reincarnated I would wish to be returned to earth
as a killer virus to lower human population levels
.”

One of the popular refrains of the Greens is that the world is over-populated. They are more cautious nowadays about publicly proposing final solutions to the population question, but even decades after the argument was debunked, their calls for something to be done about this fundamental “problem” are not yet discredited. Even people who aren’t environmentally inclined have picked it up as a background assumption – believing that it is a problem. So it is still worth thinking about – how many people could the world support with future technology?

It’s a complicated question that I can’t answer completely, but we can make a start by thinking about food. Everybody knows that fertile land is in short supply, and takes a huge effort to farm. Even today, many people don’t have access to enough food. Is this a fundamental limitation?

(more…)

Patronised

Now it’s up against some stiff competition but this is probably the winner of the Academy Award for most patronisng crap to come out of UKGov 2009.

Worth Talking About Contraception

I’d be here all day to properly fisk it so I’ll just say a couple of things. There is nothing yucky (as implied in the ad) about contraceptive implants. They are not something John Hurt coughs up after a Chinese meal on the Nostromo. It involves a small incision in the upper arm. It is a procedure of such minority that you can drive immediately afterwards. This ad was commisioned by and made by people who clearly don’t know what they are talking about. It is utterly typical of this government (and iDave will be little better) that they hose money (my money) at an “issue” in the misguided sense that something must be done for the lower orders. Like all government ads this isn’t targeted at the girl who keeps on forgetting her pill but at middle-class lefties. It is designed to make them feel good because the government is doing something.

Let It Snow!

I just saw on the telly-box that the Eastern USA is in chaos due to snow. All three DC airports are shut. Did a certain somebody touch down his Gulfstream at Dulles?

I am blogging from my shed with the convection heater running full-tilt. The walk from my back door to the shed left me looking like Captain Oates because it is snowing heavily here as well.

Are there any readers in the great state of Tennessee with easy access to both tar and feathers?

And a hockey stick to then ride him out of town on.

Climate fraud

GORDON Brown was yesterday accused of signing a £500billion death warrant for Britain’s economy in his desperate quest for a climate change deal.

The Prime Minister has offered a dramatic 42 per cent cut to 1990 levels of carbon dioxide emissions by the year 2020.

And quisling Brown should care if it stuffs Britain? He gets to grandstand before all the crooks, liars and thieves he calls his peers and when the time comes to deliver? That will be someone else’s problem.

It’s a pretty pass when we have to depend on Russians and Chinese to save us from our own governments.

Al Gore – Utter Cunt

Al Gore, occupant of the only private house that can be seen from space, so huge is its energy consumption, wanted to charge punters $1,200 to be photographed with him at Copenhagen. There is a man who is really worried about the planet’s future.

From here.

That’s a true cunt’s cunt. That is a practising cunt with a double first in pure and applied cuntology from Oxford University.

Cats is fond of asking why nobody is sueing Gore yet. Cats has a point but it’s got way beyond that.

Why is nobody stringing the fat cunt up by whatever distasteful collection of “danglies” he keeps in his trousers?

Because, make no mistake, that cunt Gore is attempting a fraud that makes Bernie Madoff look like he was caught with his hand in the sweetie jar.

We might though only hang him by the neck because he did invent the internet.

Job’s Carbon Credits

1 Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,

2 Who is this that darkeneth counsel by words without knowledge?

3 Gird up now thy loins like a man; for I will demand of thee, and answer thou me.

4 Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding.

5 Who hath laid the measures thereof, if thou knowest? or who hath stretched the line upon it?

6 Whereupon are the foundations thereof fastened? or who laid the corner stone thereof;

7 When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

8 Or who shut up the sea with doors, when it brake forth, as if it had issued out of the womb?

9 When I made the cloud the garment thereof, and thick darkness a swaddlingband for it,

10 And brake up for it my decreed place, and set bars and doors,

11 And said, Hitherto shalt thou come, but no further: and here shall thy proud waves be stayed?

12 Hast thou commanded the morning since thy days; and caused the dayspring to know his place;

13 That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be shaken out of it?

14 It is turned as clay to the seal; and they stand as a garment.

15 And from the wicked their light is withholden, and the high arm shall be broken.

16 Hast thou entered into the springs of the sea? or hast thou walked in the search of the depth?

17 Have the gates of death been opened unto thee? or hast thou seen the doors of the shadow of death?

18 Hast thou perceived the breadth of the earth? declare if thou knowest it all.

19 Where is the way where light dwelleth? and as for darkness, where is the place thereof,

20 That thou shouldest take it to the bound thereof, and that thou shouldest know the paths to the house thereof?

21 Knowest thou it, because thou wast then born? or because the number of thy days is great?

22 Hast thou entered into the treasures of the snow? or hast thou seen the treasures of the hail,

23 Which I have reserved against the time of trouble, against the day of battle and war?

24 By what way is the light parted, which scattereth the east wind upon the earth?

25 Who hath divided a watercourse for the overflowing of waters, or a way for the lightning of thunder;

26 To cause it to rain on the earth, where no man is; on the wilderness, wherein there is no man;

27 To satisfy the desolate and waste ground; and to cause the bud of the tender herb to spring forth?

28 Hath the rain a father? or who hath begotten the drops of dew?

29 Out of whose womb came the ice? and the hoary frost of heaven, who hath gendered it?

30 The waters are hid as with a stone, and the face of the deep is frozen.

31 Canst thou bind the sweet influences of Pleiades, or loose the bands of Orion?

32 Canst thou bring forth Mazzaroth in his season? or canst thou guide Arcturus with his sons?

33 Knowest thou the ordinances of heaven? canst thou set the dominion thereof in the earth?

34 Canst thou lift up thy voice to the clouds, that abundance of waters may cover thee?

35 Canst thou send lightnings, that they may go and say unto thee, Here we are?

36 Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?

37 Who can number the clouds in wisdom? or who can stay the bottles of heaven,

38 When the dust groweth into hardness, and the clods cleave fast together?

39 Wilt thou hunt the prey for the lion? or fill the appetite of the young lions,

40 When they couch in their dens, and abide in the covert to lie in wait?

41 Who provideth for the raven his food? when his young ones cry unto God, they wander for lack of meat.

-Job 38 (KJV)

It is a tragic comment on our species that a Bronze Age tribe had more wisdom and more humility than all those arseholes playing King Cnut in Denmark.

Hubollockis

There are many that documents that are important. There are many that are beautiful and valuable. In a museum in Cambridge there is first edition of the Principia Mathematica with marginal notes from Isaac Newton. I would chew Mike Tyson’s arms off to own that.

“This is the single most important piece of paper in the world today.”

So said the executive director of Greenpeace about something Ban Ki-moon jizzed on in Copenhagen.

Well, he’s welcome to it. And I know exactly what he can do with it as well.

In a carbon neutral fashion of course.

Copenhagen

I am honestly beyond the pale with Copenhagen. I saw the sole surviving member of the sub-species Homo prescottiuos* on the telly box (for he is the EU’s chief climate negotiator**) and I was staggered. He’s got worse. My brain started oozing out of me lug-holes as he made comments that ranged over the spectrum from utterly vacuous via tautologinous, through meaningless and ending ship-wrecked gasping for breath on the shores of the absurd. Honestly, seriously, he doesn’t speak English.

Some poor buggers must have been doing the simultaneous interpretation for The Prescott. I hope the trick cyclists are confident that given time, rest and counselling they will make a full recovery.

And that dear readers – that and the fact Cats and PA are good on this sort of thing – is why I have said little about the greatest farce in Danish history. Because it is quite clearly a train wreck. It is so obviously a train wreck that it is beyond parody.

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