Neil O’Brien, in his own words, is the Director of Policy Exchange, an independent think tank working for better public services, a stronger society and a more dynamic economy. He also thinks he knows what makes people tick politically. What do you think?
I’m going to assume that you’ve just ploughed your way through several paragraphs of risible punditry so that I can move on to his right vs left questionaire. You are asked to chose between what O’Brien classes as “right” and “left” and he breaks the choices down into four categories. The choices on the left are what O’Brien classes as conservative.
Traditional Social Structures
1) Traditional institutions & monarchy v. Republicanism
Lemme see. The prospect of a royal parasite like King Jug-ears or a political parasite like Blair, Brown or Cameron. I choose neither option, Neil, so that buggers up your attempt to pigeonhole me right from the get go, doesn’t it.
2) Traditional British history v. Unbiased view of our colonial past
Well I never! A loaded question with a distinct leftist slant. Chose the former and you are a biased Tory. Chose the “unbiased” socialist option and your kids grow up concentrating on the sins of their great-grandfathers because absolutely nothing positive came out of British colonialism whatsoever, did it. High time “independent” partisan idiots like you were made history, Neil. I hope the taxpayers aren’t funding this wank because frankly, that would make me very annoyed.
3) Pro-family policies v. Neutral view about different types of family
I’m a right-winger who doesn’t possess a polemic view on how people should form relationships and build family units so long as they are happy and harm no one. That’s another one of your questions I find irrelevant. How am I scoring so far, Neil?
4) Patriotism v. Internationalism
I’d vote “No” to the EUSSR in a flash. And do you know what, Neil? I can tick the “No” box without draping myself in a St George’s flag and chanting moronic slogans with a drunken slur.
5) Personal responsibility* v. Needs-based welfare, universal and unconditional
Hmmm. Personal responsibility or the unconditional handing out of other people’s money to feckless types with an outrageous sense of entitlement. Yes, I’m going to have to think hard about that one…
6) Opposition to immigration v. Anti-Racism, freedom to migrate
Opposition to mass immigration isn’t racist. I’m quite happy to accept genuine asylum seekers and people with desired skills or the ability to support themselves. What I take exception to is people flocking to these shores in the hope of a free ride and then refusing to integrate and dictating how we should behave if we say something they don’t like. Feel free to migrate any time you like, Neil. The sooner the better.
7) Anti-gay rights, gay marriage v. Pro
Gay militants do more damage to their cause than any Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells ever could. As for me, what people do with each other in intimate privacy is no business of mine. If they want to put their relationships on a legal footing then so what? I couldn’t give a stuff either way.
8) Anti-Abortion/Pro-life v. Pro-choice
I stand with the individuals who opt for an abortion on valid medical or social grounds, but not as a means of contraception because they were too lazy to bother before they opened their legs. So, I’ve got a foot in both camps there, Neil.
9) Anti-stem cell research v. Pro
FFS! Anti-science is a full-on right-wing concept is it? Tell me, Neil, do you work for the BBC or the Grauniad by any chance because you’re coming across like a regular frigging Moonbat. You seem to be getting the majority of secular conservative voters and religious conservatives seriously (deliberately?) mixed up here. Why don’t you call us all deniers? I suspect you want to. Your leftist bias is beginning to grate, Neil.
10) Anti-Drugs v. Pro-liberalisation
Er…wasn’t it Alan Johnson who sacked Professor David Nutt for daring to suggest ecstacy and LSD were less dangerous than alcohol? Funny kind of pro-liberalisation, don’t you think, Neil? Actually, as I work through this specious bullshit questionaire, I’m rapidly reaching the conclusion you might not do much thinking beyonf socialist bias, period.
11) Anti-Prostitution v.Pro-liberalisation
I’m against sex slaves and enforced prostitution. Women who take up prostitution as a business opportunity I don’t have a beef with. Oops! I fell through the gaping crack again, didn’t I…
12) Anti-Premarital sex v. Pro
Dunno about you, Neil, but I reckon there’s an awful lot of conservative types who enjoy shagtastic, premarital sex. Religious conservatives, on the other hand, would rather pretend they don’t indulge.
13) Anti-Euthanasia v. Pro-choice
I’m all for sufferers who decide upon a swift and dignified exit from life and who make a personal choice to do so. Doctors (talking about the Liverpool Care Pathway here) dehydrating the elderly and terminally ill to death over a period of time isn’t euthenasia, it’s drawn-out cruelty. Not doing well, am I?
14) Coarsening of the culture & swearing, violence and sex on TV v. anti-censorship, free expression
Is it just me or does choice 14 not make any fucking sense whatsoever?
15) Fear of “political correctness” v. Anti-racism, anti-homophobia
Well you see, Neil, here’s the rub. I don’t grok the special minority interest thought police crap. If someone calls me a bad name then so what? I learned to get over crap like that in primary school. And what’s this “fear” shite? I’m not afraid of political correctness. Every place I see it I’ll treat its nasty fascist arse with the contempt it deserves because I don’t need the State or any kind of groupthink to tell me how I should think and express myself. If I want to call a spade a shovel I will.
16) Pro-faith schools, large role of Christianity in public life v. Secularism
Because all Church schools breed foaming at the mouth religious bigots, right? Well you’re wrong. I went to an Anglican school and so did my son. Both of us are as secular as can be. Why is this? Because Church schools actually educate kids and teach them responsibility and how to think for themselves rather than religiously indoctrinate them. Or at least they used to prior to 1997 and the onset of undiluted Fabian social engineering. I notice you didn’t mention the “I” word when it comes to faith schools. How come?
A Strong State
17) Tough punishment, longer prison sentences v. tackling the social causes of crime (poverty, racism)
Time to kick the blame culture into touch and make people responsible for their own actions, don’t you think? The “soft” option clearly doesn’t work no matter how hard the State tries to fiddle the statistics and makes excuses for granny-bashers and other nasty malcontents.
18) Strong armed forces v. de-militarisation, disarmament
Because we’ll never have to fight another war, will we. Oh wait…
19) National security, control orders, DNA database v. Civil liberties*, liberal judicial activism
I think you’ve got that one arse about face, Neil.
Freedom From the State (Freedom “From” Rather Than Freedom “To”)
20) Fox hunting v. Hunt ban
Yes, in order to stick it to traditional conservatives let’s let the poor little foxy-woxies be shot, gassed, poisoned and have their skulls bashed in rather than give them a head start.
21) Anti-nanny state, anti-“elf ‘n safety” v. Safety at work
Because of course there is no difference whatsoever between an oppressive, precautionary agenda that prevents kids playing football in the playground in case someone skins a knee and safe practices in the work environment that are designed to prevent injury or death. As much ninny state as nanny state, eh Neil?
22) Opposition to the smoking ban, anti-drink and cigarette taxes v. Public health
What, exactly, has enjoying a fag and a pint in a pub got to do with public health? Public health is about environmental matters such as adequate sewerage, safe drinking water and regular waste collection. It is not about interfering in people’s personal recreational choices. You really are a biased twerp aren’t you Neil.
23) Opposition to “political correctness”, quotas, equalities legislation, v. Equality, positive discrimination, anti-racism
All people are supposed to be equal under the law so why the hell should special interest groups have special considerations just because someone called them names and hurt their oh so fragile feelings? Certain types get off calling people like me a “denier” and that I should be locked up for being a “climate criminal” but I don’t go whining to the police because I feel insulted and threatened. Quotas restrict the market and force prices up which impacts on the poor. Maybe you should have a word with deep green lefty Caroline Lucas about energy quotas and why it’s bad that the poor and elderly are at risk of freezing to death in order to save the planet from mythical CAGW. As for positive discrimination and anti-racism, when I see secular homosexuals teaching militant alternative lifestyle choices in madrassas across the country we’ll talk, okay Neil? Until then you can stick your divisive discrimination where the sun doesn’t shine because you see, I don’t condone discrimination of any kind, especially political fucking correctness.