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November 5th, 2011:

The Statutory Rape of Justin Bieber…

… sounds like the sort of ghastly play (possibly with Daniel Radcliffe in the eponymous role – well the boy wizard did get his wand out in ‘Equus’ on the London stage a bit back) that wins Olivier awards…

Well, as RAB said earlier I have been in Poland so missed the “Cats-astrophy” he mentions but that doesn’t mean I’ve existed merely in a Silesian bubble of pierogi and pilsner without any news of the outside world. Well, it was mainly about Eurozone Bubbles and Grief* and that bores me senseless now but the Justin Bieber story caught me right out of left field.

In case you are not aware of the works of the Canadian boy-wonder and his terrible (and alas much emulated – even in a provincial town in Poland!) barnet then here is the laddy himself…

Not exactly Elvis in his hip-swinging, lip-curling prime is he? I mean as something for lasses to swoon over he doesn’t even look gay does he? He looks like the ganger version of Barbie the un-nippled’s Ken. It goes without saying that his ‘music’ makes Hanson sound like the Sex Pistols. He sounds like Paul McCartney’s “Frog Chorus” on helium. What is wrong with the teenagers of today when a 38 year-old git like me is objectively cooler? I mean in the past kids outraged their parents by being, well, outrageous (Teds, Rockers, Punks, Goths, Metallers, Madchester, Grunge and all that) and now they do it by being stuuningly bland (or in the case of Emos – sort of dismal sprogs of the Goths and the Indy Kids – utterly pathetic). What happened to the gobbing and swearing, the fighting, the shagging and the puking? The thrills, pills and bellyaches?

Anyway, back to the story. Basically when Bieber was 16 (he’s now 17 – bless!) he allegedly had sex with an older woman. The allegations are coming from the older woman who has given birth to a child (in July). And if you’re thinking “Here’s to you Mrs Robinson!” then forget it because the “older woman” is now twenty so was nineteen when the deed was done.

As the teen heartthrob’s obsessed fans, known as “Beliebers”, vented their anger towards Miss Yeater, 20, Californian police were poised to launch an investigation into the dramatic claims.

Pop-star shags groupie! Yes, that’s dramatic isn’t it? I mean it’s a “perk” of the job like temps having access to the stationary cupboard. And “Beliebers”… Dear Gods upon Olympus! It’s like Beatlemania for the educationally sub-normal branch of the twitter generation.

[An aside I also heard that Lindsay Lohan - ask Cats about her! may serve 1-2 days of a 30 day sentence due to the 'Golden State's' prison over-crowding for yet another parole violation and California's law agencies are investigating this!]

He is claimed to have told the fan that it was his “first time” before quickly removing his clothes. The liaison is said to have lasted about 30 seconds in a backstage lavatory.

I don’t buy the “removing clothes” angle (and perhaps light some candles and pour a rather cheeky vintage…) because that is not lavatorial sex as I am given to understand it – zip down, tackle out and that’s foreplay done and dusted. Anyway, 30 seconds in the bogs – he certainly was (allegedly) “Just in Beaver”.

Obviously Yeater is after a massive slice of pie in terms of child-support monies but now let us muddy the waters further…

If Miss Yeater’s claims are true she leaves herself vulnerable to possible prosecution for statutory rape of a minor. Now that is surreal. I know a bit about statutory rape law in the US and how vile that legal framework is. It’s a sort of strict liability thing isn’t it? Two teenagers shagging may in many circumstances be inadvisable but to define it as criminal is cruel and unusual. Apparently the age of consent in California is 18 which quite surprised me.

Bieber is currently dating Selena Gomez, a 19-year-old actress best known for her Disney Channel appearances.

Interesting. And the difference is? Well according to the Beliebers there is only one of the two they want to kill in a sort of Dionysian orgy…

One young female fan ‘BeccaLindsay’ tweeted: “I could kill this b—-, really she messes with my baby!!! SHE IS SOOO DEAD.

“Don’t mess with the Beliebers and don’t make us go REALLY protective over Justin Bieber! Marian Yeater, really leave him alone, we don’t want you … She is such a s—. F*** her … She is just a whore.”

And much more like that. Bitchy isn’t it? I mean either these teen girls want to make him apple pies and mother him or they dreamed of getting the first bite of Bland Canadian Cherry themselves. Probably, I would guess, a strange mix of the two. A mash-up that follows like an Aristotelian syllogism in the mind of a fourteen year-old girl but makes absolutely no sense to anyone else whatsoever. I remember when Bros split-up and the weeping and wailing and the rending of garments and the gnashing of the teeth.

Now, obviously, Justin Bieber is a ‘devout Christian’ (and indeed has at gigs cautioned against casual sex) but even if you didn’t know that you really did at some level didn’t you? Otherwise why the hoo-hah? It’s like the music industry has had an “Oops! I did it again”** moment (yet again). At the risk of sounding philosophical I find it superficially truly bizarre that there is clearly a market for the virgin/whore essential tension (now with added male/female ‘equality’!) in pop music because it is placing ancient (and still current) themes from classical and Judeo-Christianity culture right at the heart of post-modern disposable culture. In that sense it at least seems to involve a curious marriage of the deeply continuous and the shallowly temporal I obliquely compared the Beliebers to Beetlemania. Anyone likely to be around then care to wager a Coke that people will be listening to the Beatles 50 years from now but Bieber will be long forgotten? Not all of the Beatles stuff – obviously. I suspect what will last of them will be earlier stuff. The songs with sass, attitude, wit and charisma. Four things which Justin Bieber (despite his undoubted many ‘endearing’ – possibly to grannies – “Such a nice boy” qualities) singularly lacks. Yet the Beatles didn’t really mine the same seam did they? To mix metaphors (sort of) they paddled their own canoe and built their own mythos within the context of perhaps the most heavily mythologized decade in (at least recent) history. In this context I can’t help but quote Larkin,

Sexual intercourse began in 1963 (which was rather late for me) — Between the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles first LP.

My point here is not to score the low-hanging-fruit (Miss Yeater apparently got to Master Bieber’s plums first anyway so put those suds in your pipes and blow bubbles with it Beliebers) of saying the Beatles were better than Bieber but to make the perhaps peculiar point that in a strange sense (in terms of the ‘personalities’ if not the music or lyrics) that the contemporary bubble-gum machine churns out there is a desperate need to have ‘archetypes’ rather than ‘characters’. I guess it makes sense if taken in the context of a Worholian conception of fame in which it surely follows all stars must now be high concept*** and the virgin/whore thing is very high concept. It has to be to push the ‘sleb cycle all the way around in the statutory fifteen minutes. Interestingly Andy Worhol was brought up Catholic as was Madonna Ciccone. Even more interestingly their works seem to have a lastability about them. Perhaps that is because they play (played in the case of Worhol) with concepts they understand (understood) viscerally and perhaps just on sheer talent and application. Arguably Madonna took the virgin/whore archetypes to such dizzying heights as to become the archetype.

I dunno. This post opens up more questions for me than it answers and naturally of course the ‘rape’ and ‘fatherhood’ of Master Bieber**** is most likely possibly nonsense but there are other quesions about the nature of sexual mores this century, the state’s involvement in such and why the current music scene is dull. Unfortunately as far as how to be truly rock ‘n’ roll Mr Keith Richards was unfortunately unavailable for comment.

Now perhaps you’re wondering (I bet you are not) why I took my quotes on this story from The Telegraph? Well, Google took me their first(ish) (It’s now 15 seconds of fame Andy and the clock was ticking!) and because of the first paragraph of the article which is truly an odd gem…

Justin Bieber’s fanatical followers have issued online death threats against Mariah Yeater, the older woman who claims to have fathered his love child after a backstage encounter.

That is either perverse genius or a staggering indictment of Telegraph sub-editors’s woeful knowledge of the absolute basics of mammalian reproduction.

*That’s quite clever that is.
** A reference of course to the crashed and burned Virgin Goddess, Britney. Like Bieber’s ‘proper girlfriend’ another alumni of Disney.
***For me the summit of high concept is the movie “Snakes on a Plane”. I mean just from those four words (and two of them not ‘proper words’) you or I could hack out a script. I mean you just know at one point someone will sit down on the lavvy and get bitten on the asp.
**** I was so tempted to call him “Master Beaver” to vaguely reff “Narnia: Uncut”.

Did You Miss Us?

No, thought not, you miserable buggers!

Well it’s the sort of thing that can only happen to us here at Counting Cats. Cats himself is on a luxury cruise liner somewhere off the coast of New Zealand for a couple of weeks (lucky bugger!) and with only infrequent internet access, and the person he has left looking after his house in Queensland thought he’d save him some money, so he turned his computers off. Doh!

Nick is in Poland and the wife and I have just bought a new car, a Toyota Avensis, so we are going over to Cardiff to give my mum a little spin in it up through the Wye Valley and back, before the leaves are all gone.

So, as I keep saying, Momentum Momentum Momentum, if Paul, Ian or Sam have any posts on the go, bung them up quick lads!

Our usual abnormal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Thank you all for your patience.

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