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January 5th, 2012:

I call him “Bitey”

Well the New Year in these here parts has got off to a spectacular start in terms of crimes that defy rational explanation.

Yes, somebody stole a 5ft caiman in Stockport. Yikes, that’s just up the road from me and I have a stream at the bottom of the garden! I must obtain a large shrimping net. I’m sticking with calling it a caiman for that is what it is but the Stockport Express (useful for lighting fires) headlines it as “crocodile”. The Guardian does a bit better because caimans are actually from the alligator family and headlines it as an “alligator”.

They also stole sundry other reptiles, tortoises and snakes including a 7ft anaconda. They also stole a cockatoo and a parakeet which were pets being looked after for their owners which must be heart-wrenching for them. General principle of theft and why it’s bad: It might just be an X to the tea-leaf but it is in this case a beloved companion to it’s owners who had taught the bird to talk. Or similarly it might be a laptop with all your stuff (or more likely the MOD’s stuff), or whatever. Somethings are replaceable parts and some are not but does that matter to the tea-leaf? No. For example every Halloween I tend to carve a pumpkin (and I’m good) and put it outside and one year some utter bastard stole it. I couldn’t call the cops could I? What is the monetary value of a pumpkin? But it was my pumpkin that I’d spent a couple of hours with a scalpel and such on and I thought added to the gaiety of the street. What is the value of a pet? People who steal such things steal away part of your life, not just “something on the insurance” though that is bad enough. If push came to shove and some scrote was here right now I’d help him carry the big TV rather than have him rifle knick-knacks that have no real value except to me and my wife. I would of course (if possible) attempt to “have an accident” and wing the bastard with the telly and I can imagine 32″ of Samsung doing significant damage. Then call the dibble. I would hope to refrain from a cunning foot-tap to the nadgers but that is an unwieldy item and who knows where it might have landed, officer?

I guess the point is that the distinction between “property crime” and “crimes against the person” is often utterly artificial.

On another tack I will bet you dollars to donuts there is a damn good chance the Stockport Reptile Gang (hardly “Ocean’s 11″) don’t know how to look after these critters and at least some shall die because it certainly isn’t warm round here right now. That is animal cruelty which is a matter I take very seriously. Unlike say PETA with their deranged campaigns about “sea kittens” and such. Do click that link and look at the cartoon image on the right under “Create Your Own Sea Kitten” of a lass hugging a fish out of water. If you ask me that is the same morality as drowning real kittens in a sack down the canal. That fish doesn’t look happy.

Anyway, I hope somebody winds up at Stepping Hill hospital A&E with some “unusual for Stockport lacerations” and the whole bally lot of them subsequently get scrobbled by the rozzers.

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