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Stony Stratford

A campaign has been launched to outlaw smoking in all public places in Stony Stratford near Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire.

If passed, the new bylaw would mean anyone caught lighting up in the historic market town would face a fine.

Senior politicians on the town’s council have indicated their support for the scheme, which comes after the mayor of New York banned smoking from parks and beaches in the US city last month.

The town’s council will discuss the concept next month before Milton Keynes Council is likely to be asked to use its powers to introduce the ban.

So the Jedi High Council Milton Keynes Council has such powers? Roll on the Empire I say! Darth and the Emporer both sounded like 60-a-day men if you ask me.

Stony Stratford Councillor Paul Bartlett, who is leading the campaign, said: “When you walk through the high street in any town, smoke is in your face and harming you and any children there.

Always with the children, Moriaty! It is utterly cockatoo. That’s beyond parrotty.

“Smokers then get their butt, which is full of saliva, and chuck it on the floor. It costs millions to clear street rubbish.”

Really. If a “town” the size of Stony Stratford (which frankly sounds like the kind of place Inspector Barnaby clears up three murders in two hours courtesy of ITV2) has a total street cleaning bill in the millions then I suspect vastly more serious questions need asking.

The ban, which would be the first of its kind in the country, would be enforced by Police Community Support Officers, traffic wardens and members of the public.

PCSO. Give me strength! Fortunately my council appears to have cut those. Since then where I live now resembles the final days of Sodom (or the current days of Athens). Do you know what they did around here (very middle-class area – I feel a right chav)? They wandered around and had tea and cake at the library. That’s one of the vital front-line services cut round here. Undoubtedly it has had dire consequences such as some old biddy weeping into her apron until she decided to take her fondant fancies to the postie. Or Heaven forfend the milkman.

Cllr Robert Gifford, chairman of town’s council, described the ban as “appealing”.

That one word says it all. I hope that is a genuine quote. Note he doesn’t say “desirable” or “a good idea” but “appealling”. You don’t have to have semantic synesthesia to picture Bob in his robes and chain rubbing his hands in glee at getting more petty power.

“A result of the smoking ban is that smokers now go outside and drop their cigarette butts all over the streets,” he said.

“And legislation shall begotten of legislation, yeah unto the umpteenth generation until all of the peoples of Israel are counted as miscreants under the Tyrant Milton of the Keynes of make-work for the mouth breathers of the lands of Esau. And there shall be much wailing and indeed the gnashing of teeth and a great terror shall be upon the land. ” (Apocryphal Book of Nicholas 3:17-18 – in the vulgate these are known as the “Fuck Off Verses”. ) At least that is what St Thomas Aquinas called them.

I shall leave you to read the whole thing including the dementations of the ASH smokeswoman.


… for one comment…

Smoking in the street in Japanese cities was essentially banned after a number of children accidentally walked
into a lit cigarette.

Is it going to take a kid being blinded in one eye before selfish smokers in UK do the obvious, and refrain from smoking in the street?

Usually Japan follows Britain in areas of social engineering, but in this case Britain is the socially backward

The Telegraph commentators (admittedly) hammer this fantastical theatrical gayness but will that matter when it is our “betters” who decide?


  1. johnnyrvf says:

    When I read about this type of intolerence, very badly disguised behind supposed health rhetoric, I am SO glad I no longer live in the U.K. I find it very distressing the country of my birth is rapidly spiralling down into third world ethics and totalarism. Another nail in the coffin of the once free and tolerant Great British way of life.

  2. Bill Sticker says:

    Well, then the pubs and bars should think about moving down the A34 to Brummagem, where local MP John Hemming is campaigning for smokers to be let back into pubs.

  3. Sam Duncan says:

    Finally, Bill, a proposal with a bit of common sense. It’ll die on its arse.

    On. Its. Arse.

    Meanwhile, by this time next year, outdoor smoking bans will be the latest craze in the political playground. They’ll all want one.

    Actually… now I come to think of it, that analogy is quite apt. And I think I’ve been looking at political types in that light for some time without really recognising it. They’re like spoilt children. They must have a smoking ban ‘cos New York’s got one, and it’s awesome. I mean New York’s like totally the coolest place ever. And you can go around fining people and pretending to care about everyone’s health and all your mates think you’re dead progressive and everything! It’s excellent! Oh, please can we have one, please? Ngngnnnghrrrgh! I hate you! It’s so unfair! Everybody’s got one except us! They’ll laugh at us at playtime and call us names. ‘Snot fair.

  4. RAB says:

    Well the good news is, regarding New York, that since the ban has been brought in there, just one solitary ticket has been issued, and that was to a cameraman positively goading the Police to give him one.

    As for Stoney Stratford, it is so small, there is practically no THERE, there! Soon to be renamed… Stoneybroke Stratford, if this comes to pass.

    As for PCSO’s and Traffic Wardens, well they have no powers of arrest or detention, just give your name as Michael Mouse, Disneyland Paris, France and what can they do? Or better still just tell them to fuck off (we are allowed to do that now, yippee!) or ignore them.

  5. kats pajamas says:

    ‘appealing’ = appalling

  6. freedom says:

    As a non smirker, I care not for the idea of puffing the foul weed or Stony Stratford for that matter. As far as I can see smirkers always dropped fag ends on the street. Public highways were always an ash tray.

    But compared to chewing gum it isn’t a major problem: nature tends to reduce paper and baccy to its components parts quickly but gum spat out and trodden in not only doesn’t go away. If it doesn’t stick to your shoe it stays sulking on the pavement for years.

    There was one road near me where day after day someone carefully spat their gum off a footbridge so the speeding cars flattened it into the black tarmac. After a couple of years the road looked like a mosaic until it was relaid, and then it began all over again.

    So fags being a problem compared to that? Not really, though I would like to know how many of Stony Stratford’s great and good ‘leaders’ enjoy a crafty fag or two.

  7. I would rather encounter someone who has had eight cigarettes than eight lagers.

  8. Peter Crawford says:

    There was some Tessa or Jessa or Harriet or Jacqui who proposed the banning of ciggies anywhere in any National Park. So when me and my chums are enjoying a smoke on the top of a mountain in Snowdonia what exactly are these fat self-important fucking bitches going to do about it?
    Call the Police ?

  9. I have been trying to e-mail you via the e-mails on the ‘contacts’ tab but they don’t seem to work, is there an alternative means of contact you can suggest?

  10. NickM says:

    Ill mail you.

  11. formertory says:

    The whole story’s pish. One swivel-eyed loony Councillor gets lots of headlines for letting it be known he’ll table a motion recommending a bye-law. At their next Council meeting on 19 July. When the rest of the Council will throw it out.

    But it has got lots of people excited, for some inexplicable reason.

    Now, where’s the “roll-eyes” smilie gone?

  12. RAB says:

    Yes it could well be a Cock and Bull story formertory, and gosh! funnily enough…

  13. Sam Duncan says:

    Maybe this one is a false alarm. But outdoor bans are coming. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

  14. formertory says:

    Cock and Bull story

    … I wish I’d thought of that, RAB. Nice one. I used to drink in there years ago; and a number of other pubs up and down the High Street. Happy days, too.

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