Counting Cats in Zanzibar Rotating Header Image

How the other 0.001% live…

David and Victoria Beckham have named their long-awaited first daughter Harper Seven.

Seven of course was Dave’s shirt number for Man Utd and England. That’s class that is. He was 23 at Real Madrid because local lad and star striker Raul had the 7 shirt and there would have been blood in the Bernabéu before that shifted. Of course that wasn’t the only thing that went Pete Tong for the Beckhams in Madrid. There was the Rebbeca Loos affair which was at least partially kicked-off by Victoria Beckham’s steadfast refusal to move away from her native Hertfordshire. Hertfordshire, if you ask me, is Essex with pretensions of being Surrey. Rebbeca Loos of course went onto greater fame manually masturbating a pig to ejaculation on Five. Madrid of course is abroad and they talk funny and have tapas rather than snacks. And Real Madrid had only located David in a villa in the same street as some dodgy old geezer called Juan Carlos… Yeah, too “posh” to share an address with the King of Spain. Of course Victoria’s unbelievable fondness for staying at home was one of the reasons for David’s initial falling out with Sir Alex. She resolutely stuck to the mansion in Hertfordshire (close to her mum apparently) and David had to commute to Manchester for training until Sir Alex laid down the law. Even then she wasn’t happy with his “crash-pad” in Alderley Edge. You ever been to Alderley Edge? I have. Deposit the motor in the car park and it’s BMW, Merc, another Merc, Porsche, Audi A-8, Corsa, Ferrari, Bentley, yet another Merc. Yeah the Corsa was ours. And the 4x4s (in Cheshire which is flat). I have never seen as many BMW X-5s in my entire puff. In Alderley the only means of transportation commoner is shoes and they probably cost more than the Corsa did. I have also been to Madrid and one of Victoria’s beefs against the gaff was that she needed to be close to the fashion hub of London which is rot. Madrid is a city where fashion is taken very seriously.

The “delighted” couple broke the news of her birth last night and later issued a ­statement revealing her name.

Why the scare quotes?

David Beckham’s Facebook post announcing the birth of his daughter

“It is a whole new thing for us – to have so much pink in the house, lilac in the house, and dresses.

I sincerely hope Harper grows up to be the second coming of Tank Girl in rebellion. Christ that sounds like living in Jordan (not the country).

“The clothes are ready, the room is ready, so we are all ready for it.” The couple, who married in 1999 and have three sons, Brooklyn, 12, Romeo, eight and Cruz, six, first announced news of Victoria’s pregnancy in January.

Former England captain David, 36, said at the time: “I’ve got some great news to tell you all. Victoria and I are expecting our fourth child this summer.

“The boys are very excited about the arrival of a new brother or sister.”

After planning for a British birth near their Hertfordshire home, the couple had a last-minute change of heart and opted to welcome their new arrival in Los Angeles.

Victoria, 37, enjoyed a pink-themed baby shower with pals in May, where guests included Eva Longoria, Tana Ramsay and Demi Moore.

I am an Ameriphile. We have much to thank the USA for but the baby shower is not one of them. Anyway, where was Elton John? Sounds exactly his kind of caper. Or maybe not…

The former Spice Girl even abandoned her trademark pout and broke into a smile as she and her A-list friends wrapped one another in toilet roll and posted pics on her Twitter page.

I dunno about A-list but they certainly ought to be on a list. A list of people I never want to invite to my home.


  1. Lynne says:

    Harper Seven? I can’t make up my mind whether that is child abuse or a group appeal against a gross miscarriage of justice. What a stupid fucking name to stick on a kid.

  2. NickM says:

    Yeah, when will the “Harper Seven” see their day of justice?

    They was fitted up by the rozzers!

    To be honest it sounded more like a ZIP code to me. “Oh he lives in Harper 7, bit of an iffy crib if you ask me!”

    But yeah Lynne, it’s easy to mock but FFS! Fortunately we both had parents who gave us names that nobody loses bladder control over. I do feel sorry for the kid. It’s not just “Moon Unit” silly but sheer hubris.

  3. Gordon says:

    A baby shower Nick?
    Ok, babies are small, but surely they would block up those holes in the shower head?

  4. RAB says:

    They’re a right couple of Einstein’s arn’t they?

    Called an earlier sprog Brooklyn, cos they couldn’t spell Manhattan, where she was actually concieved.

    But we know how dedicated to marital fielty footballer’s and their wifes are don’t we? Calling it Blakes Seven could have been a dead giveaway!

  5. Andrew Duffin says:


    Isn’t that some sort of toilet cleaning gunk?

  6. “Rebbeca Loos of course went onto greater fame manually masturbating a pig to ejaculation on Five”

    or as Roger Mellie called it in a recent edition of the ever funny Viz magazine “celebrity pig wanking”

  7. john in cheshire says:

    Seven will always remind me of the film; the seven deadly sins.

  8. Kevin B says:

    They should get that Aussie bint, Germaine Greer, on the program. When I glanced at a copy of the gynaecological handbook urban dictionary her picture was used as the illustration for the Loose Woman entry.

  9. Kevin B says:

    Dash it. Foiled again. I keep forgetting I can’t get strikethrough to work on this blog.

    So the gynae handbook should have been struck through since it would be ungentlemanly to suggest that just because Germaine was a bit off a goer in her youth, it in any way affected the elasticity of her womanly parts.

  10. Kevin B says:

    And even worse, I sent the comment to the wrong post. I’ve only had a glass of Sainsbury’s Shiraz with me dinner. Honest.

  11. Bod says:

    I think Kevin’s been a visitor to Harry Hutton’s “Chase Me Ladies, I’m in the Cavalry”.

    Whenever I read the name Germaine Greer, I’m pulled into a fetal huddle, and am reminded of this. NSFW. Honest. NSFW..

    Enjoy your very own gibbering fetal huddle.

  12. Sam Duncan says:

    Ach,* I can’t get too worked up about the Beckhams. Yes, they’re a bit mad, but at least they’re sticking together and raising their family. It could be worse. One word: Rooney.

    “Why the scare quotes?”

    Actual quotes, presumably. Although I’m not sure what else they’d be expected to be.

    *Sometimes there is only one word that fits, stereotypes be damned.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: