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Nick Clegg on the Media

Yes, I saw our dear deputy prime minister make a real pretty speach on the telly yesterday morning.

What was it some US politician onc said about the vice presidency?

Not worth a pitcher of warm piss?

That’s Clegg for you. I’m ashamed not just to share the same name and nationality with the him. The same nucleic acids is too much. Oh, and I also think of myself as a liberal so what Clegg said outraged me because I’m a real liberal and he isn’t. He bigged-up the importance of a free press but then said there had to be limits. He wittered on about plurality of ownership. “Rupert, you’re our bitch now!” and safe-guarding that plurality which of course means the government must act. He also spoke a lot about the public interest and about how the press ought to serve it. The public interest is of course whatever Nick and Dave think it is. It is lso the last refuge of the blackguard.

Really! I have just been down the road to the little shop. Now Sayeed stocks a wide variety of periodicals. He will happily sell you whatever paper you want. He gets in Dr Who magazines especially for my wife. Sayeed couldn’t really give a toss if you buy The Guardian, The Telegraph or Big Jugs. It is all money in his till isn’t itl which translates into cheese on his table and shoes on his feet. Sayeed, humble newsagent of Cheshire understands that press is business. Nick Clegg doesn’t – he believes it a “public service”. The simple truth is that the News of the World wasn’t wound-up because of Clegg et al. But because people didn’t want to buy a paper that hacked the phone of a murdered thirteen year old who was pretty and did the ironing. The same applies to anything. If I open my copy of Big Jugs and discover it to be about collecting water containing earthenware and not naked ladies who can’t buy bras in normal shops then it’s my last copy.

People talk a lot about the extent to which we trust politicians. We rarely talk about the extent to which they trust us. On the basis of what Clegg said I can only conclude they don’t at all. I can only conclude they regard us as small children who don’t like vegetables. That is the true scandal. Clegg wittered further about some sort of new PCC with more teeth. OK, I’ll admit to something. Many years ago I sometimes bought The Mirror. I haven’t ever looked at it since 1996. You know why? Their appalling front page on the day of the European semi-final between England and Germany. Stuart Pearce in a CGI tommy hat and the paper edged with a barbed wire motif. It was vile. Christ almighty I had a German flatmate at the time. Marcus was a nice lad and once bought me a bagel and was born nearly three decades after the end of the war. The Sun of course crucified The Mirror the next day. And that is how it should be. We can only be decent people if we believe that to be the case or at least technically possible. Or put it another way the Syfy channel on Sky has been running “The Human Centipede” on continual rotation for months. I haven’t watched it. Torture porn doesn’t float my boat – not a moral point. I sort of prefer “Midsommer Murders” if truth be known. Most people are fairly decent. Politicians only want to protect us from our basest urges because their own urges are scuttling on ragged claws across the bottom of some abysmal trench that Robert Ballard would struggle to reach. It might seem trite to say but in order to conceive of evil about others it is necessary to see the capability of it in yourself first.

I see this everywhere. It is illegal for me to use crack cocaine. Is that why I don’t? It is illegal for me to have sex with 14 year olds. Is the legality the real issue? I was 14 once and that meant I knew girls that age. Right cows by and large. But the peadostyria that exists in this country is actually salacious. It’s all about shagging underage girls being the forbidden fruit and all that jazz. It is almost assumed you want it young and naive. I don’t. They try and make out that whatever depravity available is something we will fall into unless nanny stops us. Whereas all they are really doing is looking into their own black hearts and projecting. Once amongst the back-to-backs of Leeds I happened upon a lost little girl. In a rational society I would have taken her hand, calmed her down and took her home. I walked on by. Peadostyria was big news at the time and I thought I’d get filled in (a rough area) before I had the opportunity to explain that I actually had a girlfriend with pubic hair and quite simply didn’t fancy the little Miss (it fairly automatically being assumed “The younger the better!”). That is what the mistrust of the public (or pubic) does. It creates a climate of fear. It assumes that everyone’s motives are vile. I suspect the only people who can believe that are people who at heart vile themselves. That instance with that girl crystallized something in me. It was the realization that I was afraid the automatic assumption of a man in his mid-20s talking to a small child not related to him was only doing so with sexual intent. Moreover it was the realiztion that there was a good chance it would merely be assumed I’d want her sexually. That is an assumption that is not even wrong. It’s vile and if anything it creates a culture where such a transgression is kinda cool, kinda sexy. It also creates a culture where a decent bloke like me can’t help a kid in need. A kid that (it’s very unlikely) could be prey to a predatory peadophile if the likes of me don’t take her home. I didn’t even phone the cops. I know what suspicious minds they have. “So you just found this girl in a back alley“. They wuld accent the “back alley”. It is one of the greatest tragedies of our society that adults have to be in a position appointed by the government to interact with kids. I think about this every time I take my camera to the beach.

What I’m trying to get at is this. It is that our society bans things because the corrupt moral derelicts who run it think if they don’t ban it we’ll all do it. What they don’t get is I have no desire for crack cocaine or sex with seven year olds. But they seem to assume I would if it were allowed and the only thing preventing me is the penalty of the law. Oddly enough I don’t want my teeth to fall out and I prefer pillow talk above the level of the latest My Little Pony DVD. The whole peadostyria is based on the idea that men like the sexually inexperienced – indeed it is based on the deranged, rather old-fashioned, idea that sex is entirely a man thing. That is an appallingly sexist idea. And generally untrue. To put it bluntly I’ll bet losing your virginity was a frankly embarrassing kerfuffle and you’ve had much better sex since.

Anyway, off from shagging kids and back to monstering Nick Clegg. He said two things that really worried me.

He talked at tedious length (does he have other modes?) about the freedom of the media requiring plurality. Well, yes, obviously. But Clegg thought that is a government chore. It isn’t. Let me explain in terms simple enough for Mr Clegg to understand. If I buy a newspaper (and I usually don’t) but if I did I would probably buy a Telegraph. When my wife buys a newspaper she most likely buys The Times or The Guardian. That Clegg is plurality. Genuine plurality is bottom-up and not top-down. All a government has to do is nothing. The presses will roll and we shall buy what we want. It’s called freedom and it isn’t something our elite imposes but just what we do. Note that they are not “elite” in any reasonable sense of the word. Not if Mr Clegg is an example. He looks like a cunt in twat’s clothing if you ask me. And yes, Clegg did attempt to present this as “liberalism”. Which is why I used cuss words.

Not my liberalism.

Mine is about letting the people free. Mine is about not caring. Mine is not about telling them to be “liberal” or else because that makes no sense. And what is liberal anyway? If you ask me it’s about being free and not being told what freedom is. It’s just what you do. Being told whqt freedom is is tyranny. The denizens of the DPRK are told what freedom is. I am English. I am a member of the free world. I am of the nation of Shakespeare, Newton, Stephenson and Darwin and Mrs Clegg’s son Nicholas can fuck off if he wants to tell me what I can write.

And guess what? I am highly unlikely off my own bat to write the sort of stuff he really objects to. None of that is because of legislation as such because dear reader you know I’m not a homophobe, racist or anything like that. These are ideas Nick Clegg needs to get to grips with if he wants to claim to a genuine liberal. Moreover I am not any of the above because I just aren’t and that has nothing to do with being told it by the powers that be. I can have gay friends or black friends or whatever friends without being told to by my “betters”. I am a jump ahead of Nick Clegg but that ain’t claiming because I hve found things on the seashore a jump ahead of Nick Clegg. He’s a twat basically.

And the second thing. Nick Clegg had a go at was the PCC because whilst in 2007 Kate Middleton was hounded by the press she didn’t get any redress until she claimed in person. Clegg stated that he was outraged that Miss Middleton had received unwanted press intrusion into her life. I would agree. But Clegg said something quite remarkable and bizzare. He said that he was shocked that it was only until Kate Middleton complained about press intrusion into her life that anybody took any action. Clegg said it was wrong that the press wasn’t investigated before that because various members of the public had complained on her behalf. Just think about that for a minute.

I do think there ought to be a press complaint’s procedure – based on Common Law – you libel me, bring the evidence. But surely it ought to be instigated by the aggrieved and not by the general populace taking umbrage on someone’s behalf. That is vile. You libel me. I’ll see you in court. That is all a free-born Englishman needs. Only the likes of Clegg need their clothes laundered by the state.

But it is beyond that. Morality should not be laid down. If you can lay it down you can control it. Nick Clegg can tell me not just what will cost me time but what I ought to believe is morally right. And quite frankly lectures on moral philosophy with that fuckwittery that is a station to which I don’t tune. He has no moral fibre hiself because he thinks morality can only be enforced and not somethng that just comes to rational beings of their own free will.

All of which is a complicated way of saying I don’t think Clegg believes in free will which of course makes him a member of the tribe of moral pygmies.

And I reckon if we played a hand of “Cripple Mr Onion” it would be his car keys and title-deeds I’d be walking off with… If Monopoly he’d be licking my doorstep clean for the next twenty years. Yes, even if I’d said the cat had pissed on it. Which of course the cat wouldn’t but Clegg would buy that in much the same way he thinks we are all morally inept unless forced to be.

That is the measure of him.


  1. Mad Morgan says:


    … like I don’t need a law telling me I shouldn’t mug old grannies outside the post office on pension day; don’t need a law telling me I shouldn’t nonce little girls; shouldn’t burgle other people’s house etc etc. Some things you just don’t do so you don’t need laws to tell you that.

  2. RAB says:

    Moses came down from the mountain, looked about him at the 7 Tribes of Israel, and boy was he pissed off!

    “Oi Israel! What the fuck is occuring? I’ve only been gone 40 days and 40 nights, and now look at the state of the place! And what the friggin hell is that?…A Golden Calf? my bleedin ass it is! What did I tell you about Graven Images? We need our gold for liquidity and trade not in one sodding great lump, break it up immediately!

    And you’ve been at the orgies and the drinking and the dancing and coveting each others oxen again haven’t you? Well it stops right now, you hear?

    Now as you know I have been in conference with the Great Yahoo for the past few weeks (waddia mean Weh? up that bloody great hill behind you. I left a message on the fridge, one of you buggers must have seen it. Too busy lusting eh?). And the Great Yahoo has given me these Ten Commandments (well there was 15, but I dropped one, bloody tricky coming down Mount Sinai in the dark you know, with only a burning bush for light) and these are the business! They WILL be obeyed or else. We are talking thunderbolts and plagues here people, you remember what he did to Egypt don’t you? well think on…

    And the people of Israel said as one voice that they will obey, whilst muttering under their breath ” Right Johnny No Fun Moses isn’t he? Who the fuck made him leader? Oh yeah I remember, God did. Bloody catch 22 again!”

    Now the implication of the Biblical story for Judeo/Christian civilisation is that there was no Law before God and Moses gave it to us. We were all nasty evil little beasts with no morals whatsoever, prone to run amuck at the drop of a hat or when Authorities back is turned. We cannot possibly be moral and do the right thing all on our own without their wisdom and guidance.

    So I reckon that all Politicians have a Moses complex. They believe they are the only ones wise enough to guide us via their endless Laws, because we are obviously incapable of doing it for ourselves.

    Utter bollocks of course, but try telling Cleggy and co that.

  3. “All of which is a complicated way of saying I don’t think Clegg believes in free will”

    This, very much this. And it isn’t just him either. I’ve just compared the whole screaming ‘regulate the media’ mob to Mary Whitehouse who held very similar beliefs about free will, at least in the case of *other* people.

  4. Nelsontouch says:

    Hmm. Much as I’d like to think that we could do without law, I don’t think we can.
    Most people act properly; some don’t.
    It’s to control the few, and to reinforce the right behaviour in the many, that we have the basic laws against murder, theft, slander, etc.
    The kind of laws that need scrapping are those that we don’t need but some twit thought would be a good idea. Like smoking in cars; if you do that, nobody is hurt, except you when you find the second-hand value is reduced if it stinks like an ash-tray.
    Bonfire of laws, no doubt, would be good; but everything?

    BTW, there was law before Moses – the Noachide Laws dating from very early on. Moses’ list was a very neat codification of custom, plus the first three for dramatic effect.

  5. RAB says:

    BTW, there was law before Moses

    Shit, no foolin Sherlock!

    That was one of my points I didn’t feel I needed to explain. The Ten Commandments was a complete piece of bullshit and PR on behalf of the Hebrews, given the earlier existence of Mesopotamia, Babylon and the dear Egyptians who’s land they had just Exodus’d from. They all had a codified rule or two I believe? 😉

  6. NickM says:


    I am not saying we do’t need law. I mean if you drink my liqour from an old fruit jar you will it coming to you one way or another.

    And you are right on Mosaic law. This brings me on to commenting on what RAB said. The Commandments are remarkably simple. They are general principles. Now graven images you can take and leave but not stealing or killing are clearly wrong and prohibited by pretty much every moral or legal code on the planet. What I object to is the micromanagement. In the UK as of 2011 it is specifically against the law to sell Japanese knotweed. Who the fuck would buy that? It is also illegal to sell a squirrel. What demented arseholes come up with this shit? I had to can my net business

    For fucks sake! I want coppers on the streets rounding up thugs, burglars and rapists. I couldn’t give a fuck about squirrels. It’s utter control freakery. Oh so you put a plastic bottle in the glass recycling box well, you’re Josef Mengele aren’t you? Just fuck off! To you have any idea how offensive that is.

    I guess what gets me is that genuine crimes like rape and murder are treated on the same par as the sort of “bin crimes” our councils seem so obsessed with.

    But RAB. Morality is not the same as the law. Cheating on the missus is not against English law. This doesn’t mean it isn’t a vile act. The law is for serious stuff. If you steal from my laptop you will do time if you re lucky. If you’re not will meet me in a dark alley in a mood very far from gruntelled and toting a hammer. If you rape any member of my family oddly enough I’m fairly sure I can buy a rectal pear via the internet. Also known as the pear of anguish. Yeah, one with spikes on.

    It’ll be emotional.

  7. Bill Sticker says:

    “Whereas all they are really doing is looking into their own black hearts and projecting.”

    That and justifying their own comfortable existence. Hammer, nail, TDC.

  8. RAB says:

    Morality is not the same as the law.

    Nope, certainly not, but the two are inextricably linked. It’s not even a chicken and egg conundrum is it? Morality came first.

    You need a certain level of civilisation to enforce codified rules, and those codes came from the underlying societal morality in the first place.

    It’s when the law gets complicated by superfluous regulation that it goes to hell in a hand basket.

    When a perceived problem raises it’s ugly head, Politicians now think the remedy is new Law and regulation. Generally it isn’t. The real remedy is to enforce the rules that are already there.

    But that is what Politicians think they are for… To pass new Legislation, get the Photo opportunity, and then move on to the next problem ad infinitum. Bugger the fact that the legislation may well have done more harm than good, or the poor sods who have to implement their so called good intentions, they just don’t care, except for their own skins, egos and careers.

    This whole News International crisis could have been dealt with very simply, prosecute the guilty. We have laws against Hacking, invasion of privacy etc already. No need for enquiries or more law change, just do the job that’s in front of your face, without destroying what’s left of a free press.

    But no, that’s not how a Politician thinks or acts. And if it keeps their nasty secrets and indiscretions even more secret, well win win as fare as they are concerned eh?

  9. Roue le Jour says:

    The fourteen Ten Commandments aren’t law, they’re a contract. Do this and I’ll look after you, said the Big I Am.

    Law is basically a load of ‘if’ statements that starts:

    if Act = Murder then Punishment = Life

    And goes on like that for thousands of pages. Without the punishment bit the law is meaningless, and that actually happened one time, the punishment bit got left off one law. So, is it illegal or not? Does a copper just come round and give you a good ticking off? And don’t do it again?

    When you’re a legislator, everything looks like a crime. What else is a law factory supposed to produce but laws?

  10. NickM says:


    “You need a certain level of civilisation to enforce codified rules, and those codes came from the underlying societal morality in the first place.”

    I disagree. I think you are conflating law and culture. Law ought to be about things we can all agree on as being bad. Rape, murder, nicking your car. Every culture on this planet agrees on those. Where we disagree is on cultural things. The rule of law is about a minimalist legal framework to punish obvious transgressors. What is not needed is endless petty-fogging or cultural stuff. Culture is another force in society. Another aspect of civilization. It is so to speak soft power.

    For example I don’t believe marital fidelity ought to be imposed by law but if you came up to see me without your wife but with a twenty year old Ukranian lady of negotiable virtue on your arm then I would consider you a cad of the first water but I wouldn’t want you arrested by Fred Colon and Nobby. What I’m getting at with that strained example is that there are things that are immoral that are not against the law. Now assume for a moment that Ukrainian is a Sergei and not a Svetlana. Now I might regard such clear gayery as objectionable in itself but Nick not liking something is hardly actionable in itself is it? And that is the point. The law is not, or should not be, to tell us how to be moral. Morality is how we should act and criminlity is the baseline of things we shouldn’t do and require action from cops and courts. As I said if you pitched-up with Sergei or Svetlana I would regard you as a cad because I know you are a married man. But if either S was strangled and dead in the boot of your car then it is a matter for the cops.

    There is a difference between thinking someone a cad or a rogue and thinking them a criminal – an absolute transgressor. The law has to be absolute and it therefore is not culture. Culture is elsewise and it gentles us. It matters but it is not the law. This distinction has to be made. Otherwise I wind up “screaming homophobic cow” at Michelle Bachmann whilst she is “shouting death to the faggot”.

    Morality, culture and law have to be de-linked. And they can be. I recently wandered around Istanbul where some ladies wore hijab – a cultural, religious, moral choice but my wife, and many Turkish ladies wore jeans and a T-shirt and no one cared. More to the point no one thought she was “asking for it”. Unlike Athens where I took a previous girlf where every fella seemed to consider it a “human right” to grope her buttocks in front of me – the only reason they didn’t wind up picking their teeth out of the gutter was I almost couldn’t believe it – it doesn’t tend to happen in Gateshead I can tell you. Wearing what you wish should not be agaisnt the law. Sexual assault ought to be. Once we base law on culture we enter a world of pain and sillyness.

    Law (actionable law) morality, culture, are different things. Or ought to be. This is why for all his many sins Ataturk created an Istanbul where a woman can drive a car in dress that would be seen as being “naked” in Saudi Arabia. Where she can drink a beer. It is the difference between law and culture. It is the difference between Istanbul having a gay pride march and Iran publically hanging homosexuals because tht is thir culture made law.

    We do not require things we do not like to be against the law. We are not children. “Civilization” is not like that.


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