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Turn off the Lights for Healthier Sex Organs!

(NaturalNews) It turns out that setting a romantic mood by lighting candles during sex may be good in more ways than one. Several scientific studies have linked artificial lighting at nighttime to breast and prostate cancers.

Have they also linked the use of artificial light during daylight hours to idiocy?

Note the use of the word “artificial”. We shall return to that…

One study completed by the University of Haifa in Israel found that of 164 countries studied, the countries most brightly lit during twilight hours had the highest rates of these two cancers. These industrialized countries also had more than double the cancer rates as those countries in the dark, so to speak. Research has also been conducted in the United States by the American National Cancer Institute and National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences. Their research also concluded that there is a greater risk of breast and prostate cancer when people are exposed to artificial lights in developed countries.

So is light the issue? Or industrialisation? The later could mean anything. Also, seeing as breast cancer tends to inflict the middle-aged and elderly and prostate cancer really is primarily an issue for the older gent are we normalizing here for life-expectancy in these “industrialised” countries? I mean if you’re likely to die from some shitty water-carried infection contracted by “living naturally” then living long enough to get prostate cancer is probably on your wish-list. The last line makes no sense. “exposed to artificial lights in developed countries”. So I’m OK if I turn a lamp on in Rwanda, but not Rotterdam then?

The key to this discovery lies in the melatonin levels in one’s body. Melatonin, a hormone produced to help regulate your sleeping and wake cycles, or circadian rhythm, also plays a role in your immune system, body temperature, and endocrine functions. “Melatonin interferes with the tumor`s ability to use linoleic acid as a growth signal, which causes tumor metabolism and growth activity to shut down.” Dr. David Blask, M.D., Ph.D., a neuro-endocrinologist said. He is a researcher for Bassett Research Institute and a lead author on one of the studies. Blask also states “Evidence is emerging that disruption of a person’s body clock is associated with cancer in humans, and that interference with internal timekeeping can tip the balance in favour of tumour development.” This is where the problem with artificial lighting comes in. Your body is unsure if it is day or night because of the lighting and it begins decreasing production of melatonin which in turn, causes your system to go haywire.

OK, I might buy that by which I mean it sounds like science and, note, is highly caveated with, “evidence is emerging” and “mights”. But that is neither my point nor very clearly the point of the writer in “Natural News” -whatever form of theatrical gayness that might be. I shall now lay all my cards on the table. I am by training an astrophyicist. This means knowing a thing or two about the oscillations of the electro-magnetic field mere mortals call “light”. It doesn’t come in “natural” or “unnatural” varieties – it is all best expressed in terms of vector differential or integral calculus (or possibly tensors). So, shocking horror, whilst candles may or may not be romantic their light is not better or worse for you. But recall…

It turns out that setting a romantic mood by lighting candles during sex may be good in more ways than one. Several scientific studies have linked artificial lighting at nighttime to breast and prostate cancers.

Artificial? Like candles just happen but evil men like Nikola Tesla (one of my all time heroes) make light in a way that is “unnatural”. Oh do please just fuck off! Just re-read that. It is classic, “nature is good stuff and peeking below her undergarments is wrong. I have at times gone positively gynaecological here – astrophysics is… Kinda primordial – my tutor at Nottingham (his field was RF wave-guides) when I asked for a ref for an MSc in astrophysics in London said, “That’s the engine room of physics”. Dr Chamberlain must have wrote a hell of a ref because there were just 6 fully-funded places in Britain that year and I got one – that’s a result isn’t it? I mean the funding wasn’t a plus – it was vital). Clearly it was about pawning the planet, wasn’t it.?

And I feel it. In a nation of 60 million I was one of 6 deemed smart enough to be paid to do an MSc in something not even I could justify on purely utilitarian terms. But one day you might visit me and we shall lie on our backs and look at the stars (our homes) and I shall tell you their names. If you are really bored

The mystery has to stand because it is a faith system. I appreciate it’s a jokey, tabloid-ish, opening to a piece but still the natural/synthethetic dialectic is at play. A false dialectic. I am not now a physicist (though by God it runs through my veins like a superfluid*) but there is no natural/unnatural thing. The unity of is physics. The entire point of Newton and his apple is the unification of terrestrial and celestial dynamics. Not “natural” (whatever that means**.

Except I know what it means. My discipline is natural philosophy. I know Tartaglia’s way of finding a cube root. I know how to demonstrate the speed of light in vacuo derived from Maxwell’s equations. I know the thermodynamics of a steam engine. I know things they would not believe. I know how to have sex with the lights on or off. Sometimes that did actually involve vaginas. Sometimes not. But the real wankers here…

Their chant is against electricity. They try and make their miserableness sound “cool” by adding sex but those same sparks are the ones we read books by, or visit Green websites by, or right filth, or whatever…

Electricity to us (if you are reading this you’re using it) is what iron was to the iron age folks. It is not good or evil – swords or ploughshares? – it just is. And it was ever so since the forces broke symmetry shortly after the Big Bang (they wouldn’t have done if Jonathon Porritt had collected enough signatures on his petition). We’ve just figured out more cool stuff to do with it though of course we’ve been using it since we were primordial soup. Cool new stuff like blogging and double-intruders and not going a-kip when the frigging Sun goes down after eating a mess of potage or some such medieval repast and thanking Gaia (or some other numpty) that Grandpa has hit forty and still has some teeth. Indeed we now know that The Sun is not a god – it’s a pretty average class G2 yellow dwarf located in the unfashionable end of the Orion arm of the Galaxy. Not a special galaxy by the way. There are another 100 billion.

Now we can do one of two things. We can be this…

Or we can sign “no-flying pacts” for the planet or indulge in similar such horrendous gaynesses such as shagging by candle-light like fucking animals.

You ever wondered who pilots the Green movement? I mean what they have in common? They are all wealthy and old money. Take the Prince of Wails or this twat who has a face you could gleefully hit until any given Tuesday…

He was born in London, and educated at Eton College and Magdalen College, Oxford. Like many other environmentalists of his generation he lacks any formal scientific training. Despite training as a barrister, he decided to become an English teacher at St Clement Danes Grammar School (later Burlington Danes School) in Shepherd’s Bush, West London in 1974.

Porritt is the son of Lord Porritt, 11th Governor-General of New Zealand. His father, who served as a senior officer in the Royal Army Medical Corps during World War II, was also the bronze medalist in the Olympic Chariots of Fire 100 metres race. As well as receiving a non-hereditary life peerage, Lord Porritt had previously been awarded a baronetcy. Jonathon Porritt is entitled to claim the baronetcy, becoming The Hon Sir Jonathon Porritt, 2nd Baronet, but has so far declined to do so. He has two daughters.

Emphasis mine.

Well, that about sums the cunt up really. He could claim the baronetcy! What an epically well-chiselled twatter! I honestly could not make-up a cunt like that. Fortunately the universe just pitched one to my door.

Ah, the emphasis! I shall pass no comment on the fact that a bloody English teacher is lecturing us on science. My mother is an English teacher. It is a fine profession but like all professions it is defined by it’s limits. If Mr Porritt lectured us on the use of metaphor in Shakespeare’s histories then I might be inclined to listen. On the subject of atmospheric physics less so. In a right Universe he’d be outside a railway station with a sign saying, “Will drop pants for food”. This brings me to the disagreeable matter of the fruit of his loins. Yes, he has two daughters which makes this rather convenient for him. I mean really! My wife has two sisters. (It’s sometimes like the “Witches of Eastwick” round here – certainly after they’ve had a few…) so which one goes on the altar of Gaia? The translator? The English teacher (also doing a PhD)? The post-doc geologist? You can only think about “surplus population” if you are are a despicable cunt who cunningly (is this coincidence?) has exactly the number of children recommended by oneself! How wise of Mr Porritt! Either that or the wisdom of Mrs Porritt who obviously didn’t want any more of that nonsense. Well, the things I’d do to avoid having sexual intercourse with Porritt are legion. There is no hedge too scratchy for me to run through naked and screaming if it came to that. .

You have been warned.

*Top of my year at MSc level in General Relativity (Queen Mary College, London). I have seen reality (I live in it more times than I like) and fucked it under a 200W incandescent bulb (now illegal – so I have my stash – like a frigging drug dealer).

**Nature is just what is. Physics is about… well, everything, really – whether it is made by Gaia or IG Farben. I have nothing against the “lesser sciences” but frankly what is the fucking point of chemistry? Didn’t Linus Pauling prove it was all just Q-Mech in a waistcoat?


  1. Tim Newman says:

    Nikola Tesla (one of my all time heroes)…


  2. wh00ps says:

    “If an anthill is natural then so is a skyscraper.”
    Tao of Pooh, that. Fantastic book.

  3. MickC says:

    On Porritts rationale, China, with the one child policy, is the greenest country on the planet.

  4. John Galt says:

    Sorry guys, but this was one of those definitive moments where I’ve decided that as a majority (rather than a minority), the population of the earth is too stupid to live.

    Stop the world – I really, genuinely want to get off. Even if it means death, it has to be better that putting up with such idiotic crotch sniffers controlling our lives.

    What were those Bob Dylan Idiot Wind lyrics?

    You’re an idiot, babe
    It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe

  5. NickM says:

    Those ultra-green windmills are made in China. Why? Because no other country allows the hideously environmentally catastrophic processes that makes the magnets. That’s how fucking green we really are. Dead Chinks don’t count do they Porritt?, you utterly abysmal cunt.

    I saw a doc about Gary Powers recently. He flew over the Aral Sea. Possibly the last guy to see it from shore to shore…

    Let me quote Christopher Marlowe (“The Jew of Malta”)…

    “But she was in another country and besides the wench is dead”.

    Exactly. Ever wondered where your carefully sorted trash eventually winds up?

    They bury a lot of things in China,

  6. Leo G says:

    Hey Nick, not on this topic, but i thought of you as i was perusing this –

  7. Gordon Walker says:

    These people should be rounded up and parachuted into North Korea, where they can enjoy the pristine dark nights, then eat grass, curse Gaia and die!

  8. View from the Solent says:

    Tesla? Pah! eat your heart out, Nikola

    (I’d love to have been the guy standing there)

  9. NickM says:

    Sublime on the towers of my skiey bowers,
    Lightning my pilot sits;
    In a cavern under is fettered the thunder

    - Shelley.

    I recently saw a Vulcan Bomber and it was emotional. The four Olympus turbojets made my fucking teeth vibrate . That’s how emotional it was. A small child turned to me and wept, “Mummy, mummy, I’m scared!” I laughed. Gods, it was that fucking awesome. This thing, something wicked this way comes and I’m just banjaxed. It was that awesome. It was… incredible. It was like God came down from his heaven in delta-winged form.

    It was that good.

  10. Adam Collyer says:

    What is the point of chemistry? Are you kidding?


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