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Someone calling themselves “No, NickM, I Still Don’t Love YOU!” on a comment to IanB’s recent article called me “Nicky”. That was at the end of a long post. It started like this:

“NickM, you really need to get that obsession about me checked out, you stupid wanker.”

Nobody in any fucking semblance of their right mind wants to get into a swearing match with me. Just call me uncle Toby (not Nicky) and cunt the fuck off you pigeon-chested abattoir creeper, you abysmal twat. I know I could get your IP address but I couldn’t give a shitting fuck – you have been warned and any more Tomfoolery will be sharply dealt with. Nobody calls me “Nicky”. Nobody has actually called me “Nicholas” since I was in primary school apart from a registrar of births, deaths and marriages in Manchester nearly five years ago (I was fortunately there for the last of that trinity) and I guess that was for legal reasons.

CCinZ has around 20,000 comments (thank you!). In all that time I have IP banned one person. That was because he or she made specific death threats – an NHS employee from Huddersfield who thought I should be nice to Islam and due to my “intolerance” wanted to kill me. He didn’t go as far as calling me “Nicky” mind. That crosses the Yalu and gets the Sabres scambled if you ask me. Which you didn’t of course.

Call me whatever but just don’t call me “Nicky”. It grates. And it fights. And it really does because my wife is not any of the bewildering shortenings of “Elizabeth” but “Lizzy” with a “y” which is the traditional spelling.

So, don’t call me “Nicky” unless you want a rise because that is what you will get and all Hell will follow with it.


  1. Never mind what she says, I just hope she isn’t an English teacher…

  2. Westerlyman says:

    I know exactly how you feel. My real name is also Nick. My mother calls me Nicholas, when she doesn’t call me something else, but Nicky is verboten. Absolutely. I have been known to be extremely rude to people who presume to call me Nicky.

  3. JuliaM says:

    “…an NHS employee from Huddersfield who thought I should be nice to Islam…”


  4. Having a bad day Nicky?

    Maybe you need to get laid more often?

  5. RAB says:

    I had a similar incident not too long ago…

    I was checking out a website for a Bristol record company, and there were autobiographies of many of my contempories from the 70s/80s Bristol music scene.

    Well one was from the wanker who took over writing for Sounds magazine from me. I’d been writing for Sounds for about 5 years and I was bored stiff and didn’t get along with the new Reviews editor. I thought she was a dickhead with lousy taste in music who couldn’t write either, so I stopped writing for them.

    Now you know what RAB stands for Nick, they are my initials, and RAB is a nickname I have had since I was ten years old or so (some of my oldest friends don’t actually know what my proper name is) . So you know that the R stands for Richard. Now even at a young age I could just about tolerate Richard, but when people started calling me Dick, Dicky, Rich, Richy, Ricky, well I used to go mad, so I foisted RAB on my classmates and it stuck.

    Well this stupid cunt, who initially turned up on my doorstep all ingratiating like, and wanting advice on how to be a rock writer, got asked in and duely given said advice ( I’m a very generous person like that). My mum happened to be staying that weekend, and after he’d gone asked… Who was that Richard?… No idea mum, he just turned up at the door… Hmmm there’s something not right about him, don’t trust him an inch… How right she was!

    Anywho, he initially got a gig as a stringer for NME. He then proceeded to swank about the city as if he had personally discovered all the bands in Bristol.

    Well it happens that the then editor of NME, Neil Spencer, was a friend of mine back then. I was talking to him one day, and he remarked that he hadn’t seen any copy from me in Sounds lately. Well I told him I was bored with them etc, and he said well why don’t you write for us? But I thought you had (the cunt who shall be nameless) covering the South West? Fuck no, he said. We fired him. Talk about a dull boring writer, and arrogant too. So I went and and wrote for NME.

    Yet the cunt who shall be nameless had the timerity to put in his biog that he had stolen my job! and he called me Ricky too!!!! Nobody has called me that since age ten and lived!

    Utter twat! But we all have our crosses to bear don’t we?

    Completely off topic, but I had the lovely Alisa, major Samizdata commentor down for the day yesterday. The wife and I and the bonkers dog went for a walk round Bath. Had a great time. And last month I had our very own Paul Marks to stay for a few days. That was an experience and three quarters! I have to mentally jog to keep up with him! He may be back in December. My virtual friends are becoming real ones, one by one. Fancy a weekend in Bristol Nick?

  6. mike says:

    I always assumed it must have bothered Nick Barmby when the commentators would refer to him as “Nicky” back in the mid-90s when he was at Spurs.

  7. Pavlov's Cat says:

    I used to be quite precious over people calling me Pete on first acquaintance, it was reserved for family and friends, I was always Peter in the office. I once blew an interview with the following exchange.

    “Hello, thanks for coming Peter, may I call you Pete?”

    “No, you may not”

    But I’m not bothered about it now.

    However I have only been called Petey on a handful of occasions. always by women, either wheedling to get something out of me acting the ingénue or more often to try and infantalise me to gain the upper hand in an argument.
    On all occasions it has been slapped down very severely.

  8. Ian B says:

    Alisa? Ha. I look in on Samizdata every now and again, and long after I’d been given the heave-ho for political incorrectness, there was thread where the cabal had decided some new bug was a “troll”, and there was like Laird saying, “I preferred Ian B”, and then dear Alisa replied with, “he’s intelligent, that’s why he’s so dangerous”. Did she try to set up a GULAG in a corner of your property to isolate counter-revolutionary reactionary capitalist running dogs? Strange woman. Would’ve fitted in very well in the old Soviet Union, I’ve always thought.

    Anyway, where was I? Names. The one good thing about “Ian” is it’s hard to contract it. But years ago when I was in the theatre, we had this ebullient Essex Lad YTS student who went on to work with us, and he managed to shorten it to “E”, or possibly, “Ee”, he never wrote it down. So this running gag developed of “A E, I O U A fiver” which, well, we thought it was funny.

    As to EKG, AROOO, or whatever she’s called, the “Nicky” is that kind of deliberately dismissive faux-flirtiness that feminutters sometimes devolve into in the mistaken belief that it makes them more appealing in some way. It’s actually an attempt to deploy the feminine erotic capital they’re supposed to be fighting against with every fibre and sinew of their being, under a faux “ironic” cover. Comes back to that point I’ve made a few times, that the overwhelming majority of “lesbian” feminists are suppressed heterosexuals, which makes them very unhappy and strange.

    I read through Mackinnon and Dworkin a while back, and the strong impression I got (and people might reasonably accuse me of projecting, but I don’t think I am) was that these womens’ fascination with rape and the idea that all male/female interactions are sexual, really is down to them being obsessed in a fantasy kind of a way with it. Anyway, the type species of the suppressed heterosexual is Dworkin herself; despite declaring herself “lesbian” she has no recorded female relationships, and instead married a gay man, thus achieving an ideal of celibate heterosexuality.

    I mean, basically Nick, I think she fancies you. Kitty Glendower Whatever in Her Room Of Her Own I mean, not Andrea Dworkin, she’s dead.

  9. mike says:

    “Would’ve fitted in very well in the old Soviet Union, I’ve always thought.”

    You’ve always thought? Oh give over for god’s sake, man.

  10. RAB says:

    Now now Ian, calm down dear! ;-)

    Alisa is a long term email friend I have finally got to meet face to face. I don’t agree with everything she says on SI, just most of it. Just like your stuff, I don’t agree with all your stuff either, but I do especially agree with your Puritan Crusader/Campaigner Meme, after all I was brought up in Wales which was practically ruled by it back when I was a nipper.

    She spent the first 14 years of her life in the Soviet Union, and was bloody glad to escape. Whatever she bit you in the ass for must still smart somewhat. Let it go. Most of my dearest friends I can’t talk politics to at all, they are so off with the fairies, but I still love them.

    Besides, you ARE Intelligent and Dangerous. I’d take it as a complement! :-)

    Yes Nick, I agree with Ian, she does fancy you. Though god knows. the last thing I wish to contemplate is the sexual fantasies of the Arooo collective!

  11. Laird says:

    OK, got it: “Nicky” is verboten. What about other diminutives? “Nick-o”? (Or its long form, “Nickolodeon”?) “The Nickmeister”? If you don’t want people to get your goat you shouldn’t tell them where it’s tied up.

    IanB (“Ee”), you’re right, Alisa does seem to have a thing about you. Don’t quite understand it myself, since I rather like you (despite what you say about my toothbrush moustache). I guess there’s no accounting for taste.

  12. Ian B says:

    You could try taking that advice as well, mike. “Always” is a figure of speech, like when the ancient Jews used to say “forty days” for “quite a long time”. You know, language is indiosyncratic.

    If you like, I will say that I’ve thought she’d have fitted in well in the old Soviet Union for forty days and forty nights, if that works better for you. She does love a good public denunciation, does our Alisa. It seems to be a consequence of a very large ego in a very small brain.

  13. Trololol says:

    Shut it Nicky, you wanker.

  14. RAB says:

    Bleedin hell, wish I hadn’t mentioned it now! That’s where feelin good and having fun gets you innit? Shouldn’t be allowed! (won’t be soon of course).

  15. Laird says:

    Don’t worry about it, RAB. You had fun, and that’s all that matters. Just keep the two of them apart.

  16. Sam Duncan says:

    “It’s actually an attempt to deploy the feminine erotic capital they’re supposed to be fighting against with every fibre and sinew of their being, under a faux “ironic” cover.”


    I’ve never been fond of my own name. I was very nearly given “Samuel”, after my grandfather – which is why I chose Sam as a nom de blog; I rather prefer it – but my mum vetoed it on the grounds that I might get called “Sammy”. I’ve always disagreed, but reading these comments, maybe she had a point. My actual name is almost impossible to bugger up like that.

  17. Bod says:

    I’ll sniff a bit and sulk. It’s the first time in a while that I miss the Septic Isle.

    There you all go, swannin’ around and socializing with all and sundry and here I am stuck in the People’s Socialist Republic of Connecticut all on me lonesome. Nobody to meet with unless I can intercept that Pearce chappie or Dale of the Amazing Suborbital wotsits from Samizdata as they perambulate their way around NYC. Even Peter Schiff isn’t taking my calls.

    If anyone does find themselves anywhere near the Big Apple, email me or gimme a call on the old dog. And no, EKG, you’re not the dog I’m referring to.

  18. Bod says:

    And just so I can kill off that accidental danglin’ markup from the previous post, is anyone watching the Rugby?

    RAB? Cats? Anybody?

    Cats: There, done. happy now?

  19. Lynne says:

    No taking the Nicky. Actually, it might be worth it to see another one of those impressive explosions! :D

    Many people seem unable to spell my name correctly and settle for Lyn (I don’t mind that). What really boils my piss is the people who insist on calling me Linda, assuming I’ve shortened my name. I was once lectured by a silly old bat, who believed I was a Linda, who told me that shortening my christian name to be popular with my friends was common and an insult to god and my parents. She then accused me of lying when I told her my name wasn’t Linda. WTF?

  20. MickC says:

    Yalu. Sabres. Brilliant.

  21. APL says:

    IanB: “I look in on Samizdata every now and again, and long after I’d been given the heave-ho for political incorrectness,”

    Aren’t you the guy that was lauded for introducing us all to ‘gay hobbit porn’ via the samizdata comments?

    How on earth did you get banned?

  22. Ian B says:

    Oh, what I got kicked out for was rather funny. I made the general libertarian point that many university degrees only have a market because of the State hiring the graduates, particularly Politics Philosophy and Economics (PPE) at Oxford which is basically a dating service for the top tier of the civil service/quangocracy etc. Which isn’t really that controversial a point; anyone wanting that kind of career goes for a PPE, which is why so many of our politicians and ‘crats have them.

    But apparently some bird Perry De Havilland is shagging, or was shagging, or wants to shag, I still have no idea, has a PPE, and I was supposed to know and care about the details of his personal life to that degree, which I didn’t- I had no clue who he was hinting about- so he did a big White Knight thing and barred me for daring to question her integrity, kind of thing.

  23. NickM says:

    Ian did introduce SI to gay hobbit porn and then became persona non-grata for saying something about “Oxford PPE types” and Perry’s bird is one and he went off on one and it was all very silly.

    Thanks for the offer. I’ll let you know when I’m back from Poland. I also have a weekend of Markism myself to fit in.

    I have long noted that nobody above the age of eight is called Nicky unless they are a professional footballer. Quite why this is the case is beyond me.

    Ian B,
    So dead feminists don’t fancy me. I’m gutted. I am impressed by the fact anyone could shorten “Ian”. It reminds me of a bizarre experience from my boyhood. There was this kid down the street called Alistair and his mother once confided to my mother that the reason for the name was she wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened. Amazing! Us bash street kids had been spontaneously calling him “Ali” for months. Basically since we met him. I have actually had sex with a lesbian. Not a very good lesbian. I was like her tenth conquest and the only time she’d been to bed with another woman was once – she’d had a one-night stand with a mathematician from UCL. Still it structured her life. She was quite weird in many ways.

  24. RAB says:

    I’m watching what I can Bod, but that tends to be only the highlights. Wales destroyed Namibia yesterday (I thought that was a place that C S Lewis made up mind).

    How is Hartford these days? I have fond memories of it, and New Britain. Went to some amusement park with a lake and a pretty good Big Dipper. Had half a dozen goes on that (we had free tickets for the rides from the local radio station). Where is that?

  25. Bod says:

    Maybe I’m getting old and wierd, but I’m getting to watch a lot more of the RWC this time around than in 2007, and I find I’m nowhere near as partisan as I used to be. I’ll watch any and all of the games as long as they’re reasonably good and both teams get stuck in.

    The one game I found funny (and will no doubt get some stick for noticing) was the lack of ethnic diversity on the field in the Springboks vs Namibia game, and then at the risk of irritating Cats, I did get a good smile out of the result in the Ireland-Australia game.

    Probably the place you were thinking of is Lake Compounce, a sort-of Six Flags place up in Bristol (coincidentally), just up the road from Hartford. Haven’t been there for a while myself, actually, but the kids have fun.

  26. Paul Marks says:

    I know a lass from Huddersfield (who now lives in Ulster) – this lass certainly does not like Islam (rather the contrary). I must visit her and her husband if my health recovers.

    As for calling you “Nicky” that is a girl’s name (no offence to the female gender meant – but calling a man “Nicky” is just wrong).

    It would be like calling me “Paula”.

    It is so obviously wrong that it must be a deliberate effort to “have a go at you” – and (thus) deserves a straightforward knockout response.

  27. Sam Duncan says:

    “nobody above the age of eight is called Nicky unless they are a professional footballer”

    Same goes for blokes called Jackie. Outside of professional sport, they’d never live it down.

    Bod: I forgot it was on, to be honest. Stupid New Zealand and their stupid timezone. I’m not a huge rugby fan, but the one time I do tend to watch is during the World Cup. I’ll definitely try to catch Scotland-England on Saturday, which the Jocks will no doubt contrive to bugger up. Serve ‘em right for wearing that kit. What do they look like?

    If it’s any consolation, I’m not really the sociable type. Oh yes, I’m sure I come across as the suave, devil-may-care boulevardier, ever ready with the mot juste and savoir faire on here*, but actually I suffer from what’s best described as a kinda-sorta agoraphobia-type Thing, and even if all the Kitty Kounters lived in the next street I’d probably be thinking up excuses to avoid you all. It’s nothing personal.

    *Or, alternatively, not.

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