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The Statutory Rape of Justin Bieber…

… sounds like the sort of ghastly play (possibly with Daniel Radcliffe in the eponymous role – well the boy wizard did get his wand out in ‘Equus’ on the London stage a bit back) that wins Olivier awards…

Well, as RAB said earlier I have been in Poland so missed the “Cats-astrophy” he mentions but that doesn’t mean I’ve existed merely in a Silesian bubble of pierogi and pilsner without any news of the outside world. Well, it was mainly about Eurozone Bubbles and Grief* and that bores me senseless now but the Justin Bieber story caught me right out of left field.

In case you are not aware of the works of the Canadian boy-wonder and his terrible (and alas much emulated – even in a provincial town in Poland!) barnet then here is the laddy himself…

Not exactly Elvis in his hip-swinging, lip-curling prime is he? I mean as something for lasses to swoon over he doesn’t even look gay does he? He looks like the ganger version of Barbie the un-nippled’s Ken. It goes without saying that his ‘music’ makes Hanson sound like the Sex Pistols. He sounds like Paul McCartney’s “Frog Chorus” on helium. What is wrong with the teenagers of today when a 38 year-old git like me is objectively cooler? I mean in the past kids outraged their parents by being, well, outrageous (Teds, Rockers, Punks, Goths, Metallers, Madchester, Grunge and all that) and now they do it by being stuuningly bland (or in the case of Emos – sort of dismal sprogs of the Goths and the Indy Kids – utterly pathetic). What happened to the gobbing and swearing, the fighting, the shagging and the puking? The thrills, pills and bellyaches?

Anyway, back to the story. Basically when Bieber was 16 (he’s now 17 – bless!) he allegedly had sex with an older woman. The allegations are coming from the older woman who has given birth to a child (in July). And if you’re thinking “Here’s to you Mrs Robinson!” then forget it because the “older woman” is now twenty so was nineteen when the deed was done.

As the teen heartthrob’s obsessed fans, known as “Beliebers”, vented their anger towards Miss Yeater, 20, Californian police were poised to launch an investigation into the dramatic claims.

Pop-star shags groupie! Yes, that’s dramatic isn’t it? I mean it’s a “perk” of the job like temps having access to the stationary cupboard. And “Beliebers”… Dear Gods upon Olympus! It’s like Beatlemania for the educationally sub-normal branch of the twitter generation.

[An aside I also heard that Lindsay Lohan - ask Cats about her! may serve 1-2 days of a 30 day sentence due to the 'Golden State's' prison over-crowding for yet another parole violation and California's law agencies are investigating this!]

He is claimed to have told the fan that it was his “first time” before quickly removing his clothes. The liaison is said to have lasted about 30 seconds in a backstage lavatory.

I don’t buy the “removing clothes” angle (and perhaps light some candles and pour a rather cheeky vintage…) because that is not lavatorial sex as I am given to understand it – zip down, tackle out and that’s foreplay done and dusted. Anyway, 30 seconds in the bogs – he certainly was (allegedly) “Just in Beaver”.

Obviously Yeater is after a massive slice of pie in terms of child-support monies but now let us muddy the waters further…

If Miss Yeater’s claims are true she leaves herself vulnerable to possible prosecution for statutory rape of a minor. Now that is surreal. I know a bit about statutory rape law in the US and how vile that legal framework is. It’s a sort of strict liability thing isn’t it? Two teenagers shagging may in many circumstances be inadvisable but to define it as criminal is cruel and unusual. Apparently the age of consent in California is 18 which quite surprised me.

Bieber is currently dating Selena Gomez, a 19-year-old actress best known for her Disney Channel appearances.

Interesting. And the difference is? Well according to the Beliebers there is only one of the two they want to kill in a sort of Dionysian orgy…

One young female fan ‘BeccaLindsay’ tweeted: “I could kill this b—-, really she messes with my baby!!! SHE IS SOOO DEAD.

“Don’t mess with the Beliebers and don’t make us go REALLY protective over Justin Bieber! Marian Yeater, really leave him alone, we don’t want you … She is such a s—. F*** her … She is just a whore.”

And much more like that. Bitchy isn’t it? I mean either these teen girls want to make him apple pies and mother him or they dreamed of getting the first bite of Bland Canadian Cherry themselves. Probably, I would guess, a strange mix of the two. A mash-up that follows like an Aristotelian syllogism in the mind of a fourteen year-old girl but makes absolutely no sense to anyone else whatsoever. I remember when Bros split-up and the weeping and wailing and the rending of garments and the gnashing of the teeth.

Now, obviously, Justin Bieber is a ‘devout Christian’ (and indeed has at gigs cautioned against casual sex) but even if you didn’t know that you really did at some level didn’t you? Otherwise why the hoo-hah? It’s like the music industry has had an “Oops! I did it again”** moment (yet again). At the risk of sounding philosophical I find it superficially truly bizarre that there is clearly a market for the virgin/whore essential tension (now with added male/female ‘equality’!) in pop music because it is placing ancient (and still current) themes from classical and Judeo-Christianity culture right at the heart of post-modern disposable culture. In that sense it at least seems to involve a curious marriage of the deeply continuous and the shallowly temporal I obliquely compared the Beliebers to Beetlemania. Anyone likely to be around then care to wager a Coke that people will be listening to the Beatles 50 years from now but Bieber will be long forgotten? Not all of the Beatles stuff – obviously. I suspect what will last of them will be earlier stuff. The songs with sass, attitude, wit and charisma. Four things which Justin Bieber (despite his undoubted many ‘endearing’ – possibly to grannies – “Such a nice boy” qualities) singularly lacks. Yet the Beatles didn’t really mine the same seam did they? To mix metaphors (sort of) they paddled their own canoe and built their own mythos within the context of perhaps the most heavily mythologized decade in (at least recent) history. In this context I can’t help but quote Larkin,

Sexual intercourse began in 1963 (which was rather late for me) — Between the end of the Chatterley ban and the Beatles first LP.

My point here is not to score the low-hanging-fruit (Miss Yeater apparently got to Master Bieber’s plums first anyway so put those suds in your pipes and blow bubbles with it Beliebers) of saying the Beatles were better than Bieber but to make the perhaps peculiar point that in a strange sense (in terms of the ‘personalities’ if not the music or lyrics) that the contemporary bubble-gum machine churns out there is a desperate need to have ‘archetypes’ rather than ‘characters’. I guess it makes sense if taken in the context of a Worholian conception of fame in which it surely follows all stars must now be high concept*** and the virgin/whore thing is very high concept. It has to be to push the ‘sleb cycle all the way around in the statutory fifteen minutes. Interestingly Andy Worhol was brought up Catholic as was Madonna Ciccone. Even more interestingly their works seem to have a lastability about them. Perhaps that is because they play (played in the case of Worhol) with concepts they understand (understood) viscerally and perhaps just on sheer talent and application. Arguably Madonna took the virgin/whore archetypes to such dizzying heights as to become the archetype.

I dunno. This post opens up more questions for me than it answers and naturally of course the ‘rape’ and ‘fatherhood’ of Master Bieber**** is most likely possibly nonsense but there are other quesions about the nature of sexual mores this century, the state’s involvement in such and why the current music scene is dull. Unfortunately as far as how to be truly rock ‘n’ roll Mr Keith Richards was unfortunately unavailable for comment.

Now perhaps you’re wondering (I bet you are not) why I took my quotes on this story from The Telegraph? Well, Google took me their first(ish) (It’s now 15 seconds of fame Andy and the clock was ticking!) and because of the first paragraph of the article which is truly an odd gem…

Justin Bieber’s fanatical followers have issued online death threats against Mariah Yeater, the older woman who claims to have fathered his love child after a backstage encounter.

That is either perverse genius or a staggering indictment of Telegraph sub-editors’s woeful knowledge of the absolute basics of mammalian reproduction.

*That’s quite clever that is.
** A reference of course to the crashed and burned Virgin Goddess, Britney. Like Bieber’s ‘proper girlfriend’ another alumni of Disney.
***For me the summit of high concept is the movie “Snakes on a Plane”. I mean just from those four words (and two of them not ‘proper words’) you or I could hack out a script. I mean you just know at one point someone will sit down on the lavvy and get bitten on the asp.
**** I was so tempted to call him “Master Beaver” to vaguely reff “Narnia: Uncut”.


  1. Roue le Jour says:

    Just to be boringly practical for a moment, there is an unaddressed logical problem with having an age of consent markedly higher than the age of criminal responsibility. It becomes perfectly possible to prosecute a young person for being an accessory to their own statutory rape. (As the sexting case shows.)

    You have to be 21 to drive a truck. If you drive one at 20, it’s you that gets prosecuted. So, logically, if you have to be 18 to bonk a bird… Lets lock the little fucker up.

    (18 is just insane, isn’t it? Back in the day the US threatened to prosecute GIs for having 17 y.o. girlfriends in Bangkok. Remind me again who is the evil empire?)

  2. Leg-iron says:

    ‘And then I saw his hair…
    Now I’m a Beleiber!’

    Monkee fun later. Too drunk now.

  3. Lynne says:

    30 seconds? And he scored? That’s Justun Beliebable.

  4. NickM says:

    You sod! Why didn’t I think of that.

  5. johnnyrvf says:

    I liked the connection of Judeo-Christianity however the music industry is hardly promoting that, check out, as to talent, if you watch any of the truly talented rock band videos on you tube there is always some Beiber troll commenting on how much better Beiber is than Ian Gillan, Paul Rodgers, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Bon Scott etc, etc. you are right though, this latest generation have absolutely no idea about what is hot.

  6. Richard Allan says:

    As for high-concept films, “Hot Tub Time Machine” has to give Mr. Jackson a run for his money.

  7. Kevin B says:

    Mark Steyn was just commenting on the OWS shenanigans and came up with this beauty:

    Yet, curiously, the best example of this sclerosis is the alleged “revolutionary” movement itself. It’s the voice of youth, yet everything about it is cobwebbed. It’s more like an open-mike karaoke night of a revolution than the real thing. I don’t mean just the placards with the same old portable quotes by Lenin et al, but also, say, the photograph in Forbes of Rachel, a 20-year-old “unemployed cosmetologist” with remarkably uncosmetological complexion, dressed in pink hair and nose ring as if it’s London, 1977, and she’s killing time at Camden Lock before the Pistols gig. Except that that’s three-and-a-half decades ago, so it would be like the Sex Pistols dressing like the Andrews Sisters. Are America’s revolting youth so totally pathetically moribund they can’t even invent their own hideous fashion statements?

    Justin Bieber really is the Andews Sisters, (only not as melodious).

  8. NickM says:

    Who wouldn’t want a hot tub time machine? I for one trawl eBay for them all the time.

    Thanks for that. Steyn nails it. I was though wondering what a “cosmetologist” was. I vaguely thought it meant “cosmologist” which is not entirely a completely different profession. The utter charlatans of physics. Well apart from this geezer who taught me the dark art (in cosmology “correct to within three orders of magnitude” is regarded as what a carpet-fitter would call “spot-on”).

    Sound as a pound and sharp as a tack is Pete Coles. I still have somewhere a copy of a paper of his on very large scale structure. It beautifully explains apparent periodicities in the same without resort to the “woo woo stuff” so beloved of his tribe. By “woo woo stuff” I mean temporally varying laws of physics, Mach’s principle, rotational cosmologies and generalised chaos feory thrown in for a larf along with perversely (in principle) post-empirical stuff. By and large they might as well go back to discussing how many angels you need to push the celestial spheres. I have actually read papers by a bloke called Bernard (PhD supervised by one S W Hawking) which postulated stuff that was in principle un-observable (ie had no material effect on our universe whatsoever but had to exist for his math to work – and no this is not just outside the light-cone capers – it’s rather more orthogonal than that in however many dimensions you want) and I am not making this up the diagram had a picture of Smaug with the legend, “Here be Dragons”.

    Cosmologists – wankers the lot of ‘em. Apart from Pete Coles, obviously. My jury is still out on “cosmetologists” but if if anyone can explain early universe hadron* formation whilst doing a bikini-line waxing then fair play to them.

    *Pete Cole’s epic tome (I have a copy) “Cosmology: the origin and evolution of cosmic structure” had in it’s first run a typo that amused him greatly. As to hadron formation in the early universe the printers had used the phrase “the hardon era”.

  9. RAB says:

    30 seconds ?? Jesus grief!! Pity his songs arn’t as brief.

    I’m not sure a crime has been committed at all. 30 seconds isn’t long enough to constitute Mens Rea, surely?

  10. John Galt says:

    Look, I hate to point out the obvious, but its clear (despite all of the Rock Hudsonesque PR b/s about Selena Gomez) that our Justin clearly bats for the other team.

    Its only his PR guys, devout Christian upbringing and stuff that stops the guys saying “Actually I’m really into guys”.

    Please. Next.

  11. Stonyground says:

    One of the problems for would be creators of rebellious music is that it has all been done. How on earth can a modern teenager offend parents who grew up loving Ian Dury and the Sex Pistols? The only possibility that I can think of is Prog Rock. While there are moments of brilliance like the Dark Side of the Moon, there are also complete disasters like Moonchild by King Crimson, Four minutes of a completely wet little song followed by ten minutes of random percussion noises. Surely you can drive your parents insane with that.

  12. Henry Crun says:

    I can only think that my daughter (10) must have inherited a good taste in music gene from myself. She simply detests Bieber. On the other hand, I may have nightmares if at the age of 15 she starts dressing as the arhetypal “rock chick”

    As an aside, I saw Bill Wyman’s Rythm Kings last evening. The band consisted of Bill, Albert Lee, Terry Taylor, Geraint Watkins, Georgie Fame et al, and special guest Mary Wilson (of The Supremes). Now that was a great line-up of proper musicians and a fantastic evening, even my 16 yr old lad remarked afterwards ” It was alright” which was the same response I got out of him after taking him to see Robert Plant’s band of Joy. He is the master of the understatement.

  13. NickM says:

    Less than a week ago I was on an Airbus A320 (Katowice to Liverpool) and we’d paid extra for more leg-room which also meant that if it all went Pete Tong I had to operate the over-wing emergency exits. Now, thing is I regard air travel intra Europe as routine. A vaguely grim ordeal (though the Poles didn’t feel the need to X-ray my shoes which was a result of sorts) but over quickly. Unlike prog rock which is not over quickly. And you will not enjoy it. “Prog Rock” was wet nurse to punk which fathered the likes of Blondie (now we are talking!) because it was so clear4ly utter bollocks.

    You seem to be doing a fine job of parenting there! I have a cousin, Les, who is a courier driver by day but Elvis by night and knows Robert Plant rather well. On the umpteenth occasion he apologised for not getting me “Planties” autograph (he did get me Noddy Holder’s mind) he said (and you have to imagine an incredibly thick Brummie accent here), “Plantie is in Canne – it’s fuckin’ difficult to sit on your arse in West Bromwich with forty million quid in the bank”. I very much doubt I have ever heard a truer statement. But we live in interesting times. The Toon are third in the Premiership and I thought I’d died and gone to Hebburn.

  14. RAB says:

    Yes hot diggity dog Henry, you are providing young minds with the finest musical education they could possibly have. Fame, Albert Lee, and Geraint Watkins, nothing could be finer. I used to know Geraint quite well. He was in Red Beans and Rice with this guy…

    A good and sadly missed friend that me and the Gay Buddhist used to go and see every week in the Moon Club in Cardiff in the 70s.

    As for Plantie, a man with a truly open mind. When the rest of his generation were cowering in their country estates worrying about their royalties when Punk hit, he was down the Roxy cheering the Pistols and the Clash on.

  15. Kevin B says:

    I must admit it’s getting a bit unnerving when I keep coming here and the first thing I see is “The Statutory Rape of Justin Bieber.” I get to thinking: “C’mon guys. I’ll get round to it soon. Honest. Anyway I’ve done my back in, (srsly), and why is it always me that has to do these things?”

    Is there some sort of statute of limitations, (anything by Henry Moore IMHO), which means I can get away with not doing it. (Or him. Or her. Whatever). Or maybe it’s only statutory in America. It does seem a bit harsh on the poor mite.

  16. John Galt says:


    Or maybe it’s only statutory in America. It does seem a bit harsh on the poor mite.

    This is one of the problems that we’re going to get as our socialist societies gradually transform themselves into Marxist collectives.

    Gell-Mann’s Totalitarian Principle states: “Everything not forbidden is compulsory”. However, I’m hoping to be at the back of the queue for this one.

    Sorry Justin, you might be the hearts desire of pre-teen girls (and some boys) the world over, but I’ve never been into “the last turkey in the shop”, no matter who it belongs to.

  17. fred says:

    I just realised that young Justin actually looks like a girl. Lose the mop and give him a pixie cut and … well… erm… it’d be like in Bangkok when you realise that your ” date” is” packing”, as it were…

  18. JohnSF says:

    What is going wrong here?
    I can’t believe nobody has said it yet.
    Oh well:

    “I’m Justin.”

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