Counting Cats in Zanzibar Rotating Header Image

Taking the Piss, Bigtime…

The other day I dropped in to Longrider’s site. He had a post up about the pretentious piece of crap calling itself Art, that is one of the most boring photos the world has ever seen, but which sold for over two million sponds (there’s a sucker born every minute), when someone called Voyager turned up telling him that he didn’t understand, and launched into the usual Artobabble. Well you don’t want to be doing that with Longrider, he understands perfectly well what is and isn’t crap, and put the boot in.

Well that was just the usual elitist Art snobbery at work, but this folks, well it reaches new heights of fuckwittery previously thought unattainable in the annuls of utter claptrap.

Graffiti daubed on the walls of a flat by the Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten could be as important as the discovery of early Beatles recordings – or even the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings.

Oh my giddy fuckin pogoing Aunt!

Though they admit it could be considered offensive, they argue that its presence confirms the Denmark Street flat as an important historical and archaeological site.

No it friggin doesn’t! Look here’s a definition of Archaeology, you’re an Archaeology Department, you must know what your own discipline is about, surely??

“Archaeology is our way of reading that message and understanding how these peoples lived. Archaeologists take the clues left behind by the people of the past, and, like detectives, work to reconstruct how long ago they lived, what they ate, what their tools and homes were like, and what became of them.”

No guesswork needed here, all you have to do is get on a plane to LA and knock on John’s door, be greeted with a wide grin, a plate of crumpets and a lot of beer, and fuckin ask him about this “Historic” find. He will then proceed to wind you up something Rotten, then kick you out when he gets bored, laughing his arse off!

The “historic” artwork is plain Beano circa 1970, not Picasso’s Blue period. And to even dare to compare it to the Lascaux cave paintings is ludicrous.

They are 17,000 years old and were done flat on their backs with torchlight by our ancestors using the most primitive implements imaginable, and they are among the most beautiful works of Art the world has ever produced. John probably did these cartoons after a long night down the pub, with a felt tip.

How these academic loonies cash their paycheques every month with a straight face is beyond me.


  1. Longrider says:

    But it’s a bleak metaphor on modern life. You just don’t understand…

  2. JuliaM says:

    “Graffiti daubed on the walls of a flat by the Sex Pistols’ Johnny Rotten could be as important as the discovery of early Beatles recordings – or even the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings.”

    That’s almost as offensive a comparison as that blithering idiot union leader claiming today that the government’s education cuts were ‘a crime against humanity’..!

  3. john in cheshire says:

    Socialists and hyperbole – it’s what they do ‘cos it’s in their genes.

  4. NickM says:

    Well, my brother has an MA in archaeology from Cambridge. I don’t even pretend to know what it’s about (apart from digging) but a short definition might start with “something older than me”.

    As far as cave paintings…

    Ig Nobel Prize, 1992.
    ARCHEOLOGY: Eclaireurs de France, the Protestant youth group whose name means”those who show the way,” fresh-scrubbed removers of grafitti, for erasing the ancient paintings from the walls of the Meyrieres Cave near the French village of Bruniquel.

    It had been there for thousands of years until franc-a-job-week. Epic Fail.

  5. Bertie Bassett says:

    If people want to sprinkle their own cash up against the wall on a feast of mutual stimulation like this, let them go forth and do it. But not from the public purse.

  6. Lynne says:

    While shitwits like Schofield fuck around wasting time and money playing social anthropologist by preserving badly drawn pop culture grafitti, somewhere out in the real world there are many archaeological sites in danger of being buried beneath concrete and tarmac that will be lost to posterity due to lack of funding. Anyone who knows anything about cave art and isn’t an utter twat will understand how fucking insulting it is to compare that scrawled shite (which I would class as criminal damage) with the images in Lascaux.

    This post normal stupidity isn’t limited to this particular piece of rancid cuntery and it is why I quit.


  7. NickM says:

    And you know who I’d put in dock #1. Why King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia! The redevelopment of amongst other places Mecca has resulted in all sorts of sites being bulldozed. These are not just pre-Islamic sites (though some are and pre-date Islam by thousands of years) which is sort of understandable for the “Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques” but also key Islamic sites that now have shopping malls on them. Perhaps it’s convenient so the Saudis can keep up with their deranged Wahhabi doctrines which are actually C18th and not C7th. We in the West alas had something called the enlightenment around the C18th. We really missed out! But then Islam and history have a sort of dubious connection at best. Alas I couldn’t take a picture but the Topkapi Palace (the museum in Istanbul, not the kebab shop in Longsight, Manchester – near it is the Koh-i-Noor cash and carry – near the kebab shop that is) has Abraham’s cooking pot. I kid you not. It is preserved in state and behind armoured glass but I swear I have older crocks in this here kitchen in Cheshire. They also have the sword of Muhammed amongst swrds of assorted caliphs. All look dodgy to me because if genuine Muhammed’s sword shows that sword design didn’t change in the slightest for a thousand years… But the pot is the show stealer. Oddly enough after visiting the Topkapi I had lunch and it was served in something remarkably similar…

    Now I’m not saying the Topkapi isn’t worth going to. It seriously is but it’s worth going to for the buildings which are awesome (and a hell of a view) and not the collection of knick-knacks to wow the faithful. Alas the bath houses where the sultans including Ibrahim the Mad and Selim the Drunkard engaged in their baser passions (Selim also died there having slipped very much in his cups and cracked his noggin on the tiles – apparently mighty fine tiles) were being renovated and were off limits but the harem (where the real politics – the succession – went on was enormous and fascinating. To say the Ottoman’s were decadent would be to miss the opportunity to use the word “depraved”. I liked Istanbul a lot. I suspect I wouldn’t like Riyadh. I even met ceiling cat. Seriously! Walking through an underpass there was a horrible mewling noise and then a cat dropped from the ceiling and shock itself down and then buggered off. That was in Asia. I knew it was Asia because I had to get a ferry and they had a statue of a bull. But heck Galata has a great shopping street up to the big square and I spent some time in a wonderful antiquarian book-shop there and bought some prints. Then repaired for a pint and a kebab (avoiding the street of (one of the weird things about Istanbul is it still does the medieval thing of having streets devoted to specific trades – The street of bridal-wares in Galata was interesting – I guess all I can say is that Turkish bridal gowns would not amuse the Taliban at all – but I didn’t mean that). I meant there was also the awful street of roasted tripe which emitted a Dame Judy of epic proportions). The kebabs elsewhere were fine but I steered clear of the “roast bowel” especially when I figured the Turkish term for such a sweatmeat literally translates into English as “rubbish”. It is traditional in much the same way the Black Death is.

    I have to say something else. Something weird. I hadn’t had my Sony Alpha-55 long when I pitched-up in Istanbul and there is a wonderful painting of Christ in the Hagia Sophia. Now I was running fully manual (as is my wont – I know how to take photos so don’t need a chip made in Korea to tell me) but hadn’t disabled face-recognition and a green square lights over His face. One of the few murals the Ottomans didn’t utterly wreck – painstakingly reconstructed. Awesome. Was it God, me, my Sony’s sensor or that face? I don’t know but that was like something else. I have seen remarkable things. I have seen the sun rise over Santorini and it set over the Tennessee River. I have not yet seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion but give me time.

    I shall see C-beams glitter off Tannhauser Gate or there will be Hell to pay.

  8. Lynne says:

    Forget C-beams glitter off the Tannhauser Gate. I wanna see giant swinging iron beams level Downing Street and the Palace of Westminster.

    I’ve never been to Istanbul. It’s not a city that features high on my places I really want to visit list. Classical architecture in situ on the other hand…

  9. [...] draws my attention to the latest [...]

  10. NickM says:

    You want Neo-Classical then go to Bath or… Newcastle. You want Classical then Turkey has more than even Greece (and the economy isn’t fucked). I saw nine layers of Troy. That was cool. And yeah, I want my C-beams. I have higher hopes than a mere west-end demolition project. I want the Medusa Cascade. I want to see Mr Cats in Brisbane on a time-scale that would otherwise get me to Sayeed’s corner shop to buy a Dr Who magazine. I want things even I can’t believe. I want the stars. I couldn’t give a toss about leveling the gaff of the PPE educated oaf in Downing Street (why would I? I want off this rock to fly moths on Titan (that’s the game Hardwar). Look, it’s this simple. The first computer I touched (as a kid) was a ZX-81 with 16KB of RAM (via a dubious hang-on) and now on my dining-room table I have a computer that RAB calls “The Deathstar” with 16 Gigabytes of RAM (plus a 64GB SSD to buffer the RAM and the Terabyte HD – which would have been RAIDed with another TB disk and a 2TB back-up if it wasn’t for the Thai floods meaning a TB went overnight from forty quid to a ton. All this shall pass when the waters subside in Bangkok.

    What I’m saying is in thirty years of computers I get a million times plus bang for buck so where the fuck is my jet-pack? That is what I want. I want to pilot a Swallow Moth out of Downtown 05 and not a pigging Vauxhall Corsa and no a bloody Aston Martin is still much the same. The Corsa might be a three-pot screamer and the Aston might be a V-12 but it’s the same tech basically. I mean it’s the same old my Grandad had except it has a beverage holder. Basically, if the rest of the world had advanced like computers did we’d all live to 1000 and be posting drivel like this from Barnard’s Star. And I’d have a STOVL warp-drive star-ship in the drive and not a fucking Vauxhall Corsa. “Fancy a drive out my dear? I know a really nice pub on Wolf 359!” Not bloody Buxton. Nothing against Buxton but…

  11. RAB says:

    Lynne, I have old friends in the Archaeology Dept at the University of Cardiff.

    Friend Howard was telling me that they had a Faculty meeting a few years back, to brainstorm what to put in the Prospectus that may entice tender young minds to Archaeology.

    After an hour or so of getting nowhere, some wag suggested…

    How about we put, “Come to Cardiff and study Archaeology. We guarantee you’ll never earn enough money to have to pay your Student Loan back”.

    My friends have spent most of their summers these last 30 years, in a tent in some obscure part of Cumbria or somewhere equally chilly, digging up yet another Roman villa (there were a lot more than originally thought) or an Iron age Hillfort. Never anywhere warmer or exotic like Egypt or Peru, cos the Dept is chronically underfunded.

    Real Archaeology is starved of cash, and the above clowns come up with this piss take, just to get in the papers. Makes you want to weep.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: