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More Spam

If you’re married and DO NOT want to get divorced but are interested in having an affair, then we want you to understand that You are NOT alone!

There are thousands of married people in your city that feel the same way that you do.

Not Newt Gingrich I hope! That would be both cruel and unusual. Or Billious Clinton. Or Ryan Giggs (though he keeps his infidelity strictly in the family rather than on the internet).

This is why you need to join the Ashley Madison Dating Agency that was created for married people that want to have an affair without getting caught.

If you join the Ashley Madison Dating Agency you will be able to have sexual relationships with other married women or men that DO NOT want to get divorced, but want to have a discreet affair without being caught.

After you have an affair you will feel ALIVE and HAPPY once again…You’ll feel like you did when you were single and dating new people.

Undoubtedly true. Every time the phone goes you shall sprint in a manner that makes Usain Bolt look like Christopher Biggins.

In fact, you may start feeling like working on your marriage again to make it better…You just need that spark again in your life that only someone new can give you.

Yeah… I can really see that. I have often found myself reaching new heights of sexual arousal after kitchen utensils have been hurled at me with murderous intent.

Go here if you are interested in learning more:

[yes, the fuckers quoted my email]

If you’re not married and reading this message, then you can also join the Ashley Madison Dating Agency to meet married people that would love to have a sexual relationship with you.

Or you could do what normal people do and hook up with another single person via bars, restaurants, facebook… They will also have a penis or vagina (according to tatse) and you won’t have to have a coronary episode getting to the phone only to discover you have been paying too much for payment protection insurance or indeed even have to learn to dodge hurled pans.

Listen, we understand that you’re worried about getting caught and possibly getting divorced, but if you join today you’ll see how easy it is to stay married and enjoy multiple affairs with many people.

How? There’s only so many “business trips” you can make and some of them (at least) have to be about business – and not of the monkey variety.

You don’t have to pay anything to join today…just check it out and see what you think.

I think not.


  1. John Galt says:

    Me thinks thou doth protest too much.

    Worried that Mrs. Nick has been reading your e-mails?

  2. Tim Newman says:

    …you’ll see how easy it is to stay married and enjoy multiple affairs with many people.

    So they turn you French, or what?

  3. john in cheshire says:

    I wouldn’t stop these people offering their services to whoever. But I would like to have the opportunity to remind people, in a very modest way, that what they are doing is wrong. Then it’s their choice.
    Just the same with a lot of things I disagree with. Abortion springs to mind.

  4. Sam Duncan says:

    As a kid, this kind of thing used to really confuse me. If you’d rather spend time with – and money on – other people, and lie to your spouse about it, why do you want to stay married in the first place? Seemed kind of dumb to me.

    As I grew older, I began to realise that “these things just happen sometimes”.

    But having grown a bit older still, I’m beginning to think that’s a load of rationalizing bollocks, and I was right the first time. Everyone I know – male and female – who’s had affairs behind their spouse’s back has been an arsehole, and furthermore, obviously an arsehole right from the off: the sort of person who doesn’t see anything wrong with using a fucking secret dating agency for married people (not that, as John says, I’d force them to shut up shop; we’re all grown-ups here). Every one. I’m no psychiatrist, but I’d say “sociopath”.

  5. bloke in spain says:

    Oh, don’t knock it. I registered & I don’t even have a legally conjoined other to deceive. (Although what La C would do to me if she learned to read English better sends a cold chill down my spine. You don’t fuck about with Colombians & survive.)

    So now I get to ogle photos of glamour models, purporting to be those of 45 yo housewives half a continent away, on an almost daily basis. Almost as much fun as Russian Brides…….

  6. RAB says:

    “why do you want to stay married in the first place? Seemed kind of dumb to me.”

    Often the reason is cold hard cash, Sam my old son. I’ll illustrate it with a joke as usual, shall I?…

    A husband says to his wife over the breakfast table… We’ve had a pretty good year darling. The coffers are full and Christmas is coming up, what do you fancy for a Christmas present? How about that fur coat you’ve always hankered after, or that new car you were talking about? I could run to some diamonds and pearls if you like?

    The wife says… I want a divorce.

    Fuck me! says the husband, I wasn’t thinking of spending THAT kind of money!!

    And yes, I think I’ll leave this one well alone. With my legendary skills at the old computer, I wouldn’t manage a week on their books before Mrs RAB found out and started removing delicate parts of my anatomy!

  7. NickM says:

    I see where you’re coming from but the point is because I have a sizeable online presence I get this nonsense all the time. So I guess you miss the point as to the rights and wrongs. Obviously this is wrong (and indeed deranged – I mean if an affair is purely via the internet yes it can easily be hidden but in order for it to be a genuine affair it has to get more “physical”) and God knows how a web-site can help hide that. My point is it’s more deranged than morally wrong- though it is obviously morally wrong. I also get spam about breast enlargement (for me!), opportunities to meet gay men in my area (which some spam-bot seems to think is Hertfordshire – I have nothing contra gay men but… I live in Cheshire!) and my wife gets, “xxxx, would you like to have a larger penis?”. Yes, they use her name which is clearly a female name so obviously she has no penis to enlarge. And it goes on.

  8. John Galt says:


    All in jest me old son. I occasionally get this kind of spam as well although my online presence is considerably smaller (I blame my pet internal parasite “Timmy the Tapeworm”.

    But this is just a variation of Rule 34, in that any conceivable way of making money on the internet will be tried and morality is not a barrier, only legality.

    Even legality is not necessarily a barrier if you are prepared to dive-the-depths of the web using TOR and are prepared to pay in Bitcoins to purchase otherwise illegal narcotics from the street corners of the internet such as “Silk Road”.

    For myself, happily married and think that Sam Duncan’s comment is pretty much on the mark. If someone is that big a dick that they are prepared to go and shag some other woman / man because they aren’t getting it at home then they are a dick (regardless of specific gender).

    If you’re not happy at home, have the decency to get a divorce or at least be honest with your spouse. It will save a lot of time and grief, but the reality is that most of these dicks want to have their cake (happy home life, etc.) and still fuck about like they did when they were in their twenties.

    For the people that offer this kind of services, they are no different than moral drug dealers, making money off the misery of others. I wish they didn’t exist, but they do.


  9. NickM says:

    I disagree with the drug dealer analogy John but yeah, basically what Sam says.

    PS. I’m watching “Apollo 13: the true story” and guess what? Ron Howard told the story right. Unlike the earlier episode about “Braveheart” which was an utter crock. But then Apollo 13 is a movie about humanity at it’s best and Braveheart is about a deranged drunkard Australian anti-semitic ranter. Oh and Ed Harris is the double of Gene Kranz.

  10. RAB says:

    I also agree with Sam. I have never once thought of cheating on my wife in 33 years of marriage. Paul Newman put it quite well… Why would you pop out for a quick Hamburger when you’ve got prime steak at home?

    And yes, all of my aquaintances and even friends (one was my ex business partner) who congenitally couldn’t keep it in their trousers, had something seriously wrong with them, and Sociopathy pretty much describes it.

    One Nick (sorry Nick but that is his name) was a kind of big brother to me (I’m an only child and he used to look out for me). He was a couple of years older and very handsome. We kinda envied him at one stage cos he could always pull girls when the rest of didn’t even know where to start. But eventually he got married and you kinda thought that he’d grown up and settled down. Nope. He’s on his fifth marriage now and in his early 60s, and he hasn’t changed one iota. We went to his mum’s funeral wake type thing held at Cardiff Golf club last year, and he’s chatting up the waitresses with the old “Ello darlin, what you doing later then…” right in front of his now ex-wife. You just wanted to slap him and walk away.

  11. Tim Newman says:

    He’s on his fifth marriage now and in his early 60s, and he hasn’t changed one iota.

    Working in the oil industry and (kinda) living in Thailand, I know EXACTLY the type of person you mean…

  12. Tim Newman says:

    Oh, and another thing:

    He was a couple of years older and very handsome. We kinda envied him at one stage cos he could always pull girls when the rest of didn’t even know where to start.

    Every school has these guys in, the blokes who have boned half the females in the school and whose parents buy them a motorbike at 13. Most of them amounted to nothing, and I’ve got a theory why. If you peak too early in life, you stop trying. Those who found being a child or teenager easy, had the whole school eating out of their hand, played on all the sports teams and had their pick of the girls always ended up amounting to nothing. Last I saw of that particular chap in my school he was in his mid-20s propping up a bar in Tenby wearing a gold chain and missing a tooth, still unmarried. By contrast, the successful adults I know were almost always awkward children and teenagers, who worked like hell to get out of whatever shithole they were in and understood the road to success is long and hard. Although to be fair, most guys I know are engineers who by definition were awkward children…

    But there’s something in the theory.

  13. bloke in spain says:

    You guys do seem to be taking this site seriously don’t you? Didn’t you read the post on Nigerian scammers.
    Oh, Ashley Maddison got extensive media coverage but it’d be worth seeing their database. I’d suspect by now it’s 9 1/2 million amateur onanists who’s best chance of being in a bedroom alone with a woman is if their mother comes in to change the bedsheets, a few thousand would be errant husbands who’d expect to ask their wife’s permission before having an affair & a couple of hundred married & single women you wouldn’t want to bump into on a dark night.
    An e-mail from the site just landed in my spam folder. Would you believe that there is a 23 y o pneumatic blonde (pic attached) living not far from me who is absolutely desperate to cheat on her partner with a virile stud aged 50+ ? If I would like to give these helpful matchmakers access to my credit card, they assure me that me & my new found nymphette will be making the beast with two backs before the day is out. They’re not actually offering me the Brooklyn Bridge but no doubt a link to their “World Famous Architectural Icons for Sale” companion promotion is somewhere in the footer bar.
    I’d imagine that if one was truly planning a little extramarital excursion, using this site would pretty well 100% guarantee you wouldn’t get one. Maybe that’s its purpose. Prophylactic.

    Re Tim Newman’s comment above:

    Ever noticed that the gender opposite to the “could always pull girls when the rest of didn’t even know where to start.”, the ravishingly gorgeous, long legged, big titted wet dream inspirer he pulled to your eternal envy so often turns out later, face rigid with botox, rack scaffolded with silicon to be sharing her fourth husband with his future third wife. Reason? Talk with her & you soon realise she’s no personality whatsoever. Like an animated shop window dummy, her only subject of conversation herself. Never needed to acquire one. No one would have noticed if she had.

  14. Talwin says:

    Let me get this right. Madison will fix you up with a shag, presumably, if you pay them some money. Isn’t there a name for that which, in the real world, gets them nicked?

  15. Tim Newman says:

    Ever noticed that the gender opposite to the “could always pull girls when the rest of didn’t even know where to start.”

    Yup, I noticed that. And I also noticed the women who spent until they were 30 turning down a fair few half-decent blokes on the grounds that they were not absolutely perfect or not “exciting” enough and spend their lives thereafter moaning that they can never meet anyone half-decent.

  16. John Galt says:

    @Bloke in Spain:

    In fairness, I assumed this to be a legitimate (if immoral) way of getting money out of sociopathic losers. You might well be right that it is a sophisticated 419 Scam. Serves them right if it is.

    Although a bit more explicit than a standard dating agency, is there any difference between this rather tawdry offering and the more standard dating agency offerring.

  17. Talwin says:

    JG. It maybe wasn’t clear, but I find all this a bit of a hoot; in the same league as the Nigeria scams, really. It was just the mention of ‘sexual relations’, as opposed to the more usual offer by an agency to find the man or woman of one’s dreams, that prompted my aside. Having said that, maybe they mean Clinton-style sexual relations, in which case they expect that blokes will sign on in the expectation of a getting a blow-job. (Not sure what ‘sexual relations’ in the context here means to a woman.)

  18. RAB says:

    I got one just this morning…

    “Christian singles in your area…”

    Oh brilliant! Bible class before getting down to the business. Repent your sin before you commit it :-)

    The scam that is really getting on my tits at the moment though are persons perporting to be called Nigel and Fiona, when their accent says they are from the Indian sub continent, telling me that they are from the Microsoft Service dept (or some such) and my computer is all fucked up with virus’s, but never fear they are here to help, just open up these boxes, click on this and that, and all will be well.

    I tell them to fuck off and put the phone down instantly. But the Fiona bitch actually had the timerity to ring back 30 seconds later, demanding to know why I put the phone down on her! They are so bold Mr ‘orne, so very bold!

  19. macheath says:

    The ‘in your area’ thing is hilarious. I live near an area that has acquired notoriety as ‘chav central’, yet adverts constantly pop up suggesting that a wealth of pulchritude has signed up to a dating agency and is waiting ‘within ten miles of your home’.

    Quite apart from the fact that I’m female (and straight), they are assuming an astounding level of gullibility even by the usual standards of these outfits, which ask you to believe women who look like that are seeking an internet date.

  20. NickM says:

    A year back me and my mum and my wife and my bro travel down London way to see Sir Ian McKellen in “Waiting for Godot”. We wind-up freezing our tits off outside the stage door whilst my Mum turns into a teenager waiting for Sir Ian. He signed her program and was very nice.

    Afterwards I had to explain to my mother that despite their shared love of theatre Sir Ian is a homosexualist with a long-term boyfriend and… Did I need to say more? To which my mum said, “Well he just hasn’t met the right woman yet!”. I mean how long has Sir In been treading the boards (a mighty fine actor BTW) and how many ladies has he met on that gig.

    Peculiarly the only two times I’ve seen full frontal male nudity on stage was courtesy of my mother. Ian got his keks off at the Theatre Royal Newcastle playing Lear and so did Alf Garnett at the Hackney Empire in the same role. One worked dramatically and the other had me covering my face in embarrassment. Alf is going to drop his pants. He is? He isn’t? Oh dear Jesus he is! I was living in London at the time and my Mum (a teacher) was escorting a school party who shrieked when Alf showed his particulars to the audience. It is supposed to be a moving scene showing the extent to which Lear is un-manned. It didn’t work like that. It resulted in a load of 16 year old girls going OMG! And me with my Mum…

  21. NickM says:

    The “I’m called David from Dagenham” (nowhere near Delhi) thing has whiskers on it. But the “Christian Singles” is something else. If I might be so bold churches are oddly enough dating central. And I’m a church warden so I should know.

  22. RAB says:

    has whiskers on it.

    Yes I know Nick. I’ve been getting those calls for about 2 years now, and that’s why I’m so pissed off! First they think that I’m stupid enough to fall for it, and second (and isn’t this the definition of stupidity?) they KEEP ON calling me up expecting a different result.

    And Conservative Clubs. Along with the churches, guaranteed easy access to the opposite sex.

  23. Monoi says:

    I do like your blog (although for some reason it takes a long time to load?) and we see eye to eye on a lot of things, but this post is proving the fact that you do not need to know anything about something to give or have an opinion.

    Mr Galt, in what way does a drug dealer profit from the misery of others more than the enjoyment of other “others”? This is not a free country in terms of drugs unfortunately, but you and people who think like you have cost and are costing us billions (that said, you are contributing too, more the fool) and I would have thought that by now you would have re assessed your position.

  24. Sam Duncan says:

    Okay, why do I never get spam like this anyway? The worst I ever see is Amazon offering me PS3 games because they seem to think I have one for some reason*, despite only ever buying XBox stuff (which they never spam me with). True, I’ve only had this address for less than a year**, but my old one dated from 1997, and it never got anything “interesting” either.

    Also, I never get SMS spam on my mobile. Everyone I know is plagued with the stuff.

    Is it something I said?

    *I also suspect Amazon think I’m a woman; the front page always seems to have shoes and… er, other lady things. (Not a euphemism, by the way; I just don’t look very closely.)

    **And none of the other Kitty Kounters knows it yet. I had a thought the other day: if I stick it up in a draft post that I don’t publish, that should be pretty safe from prying eyes, right?

  25. Kevin B says:

    Sam, I know how my spam mail addy got circulated. Back in the day, when this bloggy thing first got started, lo these many moons ago, the e-mail addy you were required to enter when commenting was published on some sites. This was so that anyone who was so taken by your comment that they wished to open a conversation with you in private e-mail, could do so. Yes, this actually happened to me once. And then the spambots crawled round the internet sucking up e-mail addys and the various blog publishers quickly stopped publishing them.

    Fortunately, being an old hand at this IT lark*, I had set up a separate addy for just this purpose.

    These days, for some strange reason the spam is entirely chinese. (Or possibly Japanese. I can’t actually tell one pictographic language from another. Which kind of shows the futility of spamming me in foreign. I wonder what Nigerian 404s look like after being run through google translate?)

    * A year or so ago I went into my bank branch to swap some funds around from one account to another. My nice lady “personal” account manager gently suggested that even an old codger like me might manage to do such mundane tasks via internet banking. “Aye lass,” says I, “But I’ve been int’ IT business since before you were born and I knows how ‘secure’ it is.” I didn’t point out that she was blithely attempting to do herself out of a job.

  26. RAB says:

    Lucky you Sam. If I am away from the internet for a week or god forbid, even a fortnight, the amount of spam and even legit email is so enormous, it takes another fortnight to clear or answer it.

    You know my email address, and Nick’s and Cat’s etc, why don’t you send us a Testing… Testing email and we’ll be locked in to your new one, cos on the very rare occasions that we have had an in House conflab, your old one used to come back Mailer Demon.

  27. NickM says:

    You are lucky. I put this out for business porpoises and X-Box or PS3 forfend – that would make sense – I mean I play games on a PC so I could be tempted to shift platform but I get breast enlargement spam and the missus gets penile enlargement stuff. Now neither of us is exactly that conservative but…

    And it really is that tragic. “Nick, have a D-cup in two weeks!” So I’m gonna have to raid my wife’s side of the drawer for a ladies bra and she’s gonna sneak around to hide her 10″ hadron. Call us old-fashioned and all but we’re quite happy as we are.

  28. John Galt says:

    “Mr Galt, in what way does a drug dealer profit from the misery of others more than the enjoyment of other “others””

    Fair point and admittedly a bit biased. I’ve tried cannabis in Amsterdam and it left me completely untouched, so for the most part, drugs haven’t stirred my bacon. Equally, my brother served 9-years for drug trafficking and his ‘mate’ the actual drug dealer walked away scot free after letting his wife (of his two children) take a 20-year rap for trafficking, conspiracy, money laundering, yadda, yadda, yadda.

    My brother got what he deserved, because he was a fucking idiot, but I also know full well that drugs is a shitty morality free zone. The comparison is what it is, I make no bones about it.

    If your view is different, fine. You are allowed a different viewpoint and I fully support that, but lets not forget that drugs is a business, a cold and deadly business, made MUCH, MUCH worse by the ineffectual “War on Drugs” conducted by western governments.

    Legalisation and health monitoring would be better than financing criminal exploitation, but that is not the subject under discussion, so I will end it here.

  29. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    Some very interesting comments here. I quite agree if life is easy early on, there is an incentive to stop trying. I’ve seen a few former schoolmates doing not much (then again it was a 1970′s comp, not many of us are pulling up trees!). Ditto hot women, the whole 30-thing is a cliche but there is much truth therein.

    But I won’t condemn adulterers entirely. I have a friend back home (no really it is a friend) who has a wife who is a totally heinous, ungrateful harpy. I’m not entirely convinced daughter two is his, but that’s not my concern.

    Anyway, knowing what she would be like as a discarded wife (yet worse and clearly one who would deny access to the girls) he stays in the loveless pit and has a ‘friend’

    When daughter one finishes university, and daughter two is eighteen, I reckon he will call time, but he has, until now been an adulterer, not for selfish reasons, but in fact for selfless ones.

    (And less you don’t believe me, it really is a friend, I have one son!)

  30. Tim Newman says:

    Also, I never get SMS spam on my mobile.

    Be grateful you don’t have a Nigerian carrier: “Treat yourself to the uplifting messages of Pastor Olawugu Olabanjo for only 50 Naira by dialling *4454 on your phone today!”

    At 3am.

  31. bloke in spain says:

    “At 3am”

    Mmmmmm……..& if I could find the culo at my Spanish phone provider who thought up texting customers the service’s latest, greatest, unmissable offers at around that time of the morning, usually duplicated or triplicated for good measure……..

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