Chicken Little - The Sky has Fallen.

Oh frabjous day!

Chris Huhne is to be charged over his speeding and (more to the point) cockamamie (first chicken joke) attempt to dodge it. For readers not of these Isles. Chris Huhne is a Febrile Demonrat MP, (now ex-) member of the cabinet and held the portfolio for “Energy and Climate Change”. So the speeding is somewhat ironic. Anyway, Huhne got clocked over the limit and was looking at points on his license - enough points for him to lose his license - for he had previous. So the serial Larry Leadfoot hatched a cunning plan. He persuaded his now ex-wife to take the drop for him. There was only one small flaw in this brilliant stratagem. The clue is in those two little letters “ex”. Hell hath no fury and all that…

Huhne married Greek-born economist Vicky Pryce (formerly Chief Economist in the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform) in 1984 shortly after she divorced her first husband, with whom she had two young daughters. Huhne and Pryce had three children together. In a video statement made during the 2007 Liberal Democrats leadership election campaign, Huhne described his philosophy about family life: “Relationships, including particularly family relationships, are actually the most important things in making people happy and fulfilled”. Talking about his wife to The Independent in 2008 he stated: “I also have a very hard-working and extremely intelligent wife, who manages to earn far more than I do.” An election flyer distributed in his Eastleigh constituency prior to the May 2010 general election included several photographs of himself with his family members, each image accompanied by a hand-written caption.

In June 2010, after being observed and photographed spending a night in his constituency home with a woman other than his wife, Huhne admitted that he had been involved in an extra-marital sexual relationship with a woman named Carina Trimingham and stated that he had decided to leave his wife of 26 years to be with her. Huhne’s wife and children were completely unaware of his infidelity and his plans to leave his wife for another woman. Within one week of Huhne’s declaration, Pryce filed for divorce on the grounds of Huhne’s “admitted adultery”

And he expected Ms Pryce to lie so he could keep his driving license? Talk about chickens coming home to roost. (If you know a little German that’s quite witty).

So let us look at other aspects of the great talent we have lost from cabinet…

Huhne is of course very Green and indeed his speeding was achieved in a Toyota Pious.

A vocal environmentalist, Huhne accepted the role of Secretary of State with the stated intention of making the nation more ecologically conscious. Among his first actions was launching National Wind Week by speaking at an event in London’s Leicester Square on 15 June 2010. Underscoring his personal commitment to wind power, Huhne erected an 8 foot wind turbine on his constituency home in Eastleigh.

I suppose much could be said about that and I do wonder what personal financial interests he has in Windy Miller Industries PLC etc but one word rises above my mental hubbub and that word is “twat” due to that votive offering he built to the glory of the First Church of Albertus Gorefice, Atmospheric Physicist. Huhne, of course, did PPE at Oxford. Of course he did! But what else… Well, he’s not one of those awful “crusty” Greens who live in treehouses and he’s always immaculately dressed. Indeed he maintains his dapper appearance via his expenses…

Huhne was reported to have claimed for various items including groceries, fluffy dusters and a trouser press. In 2006, he claimed £5,066 for painting work on his garden fences and chairs. He collected £119 for a mahogany Corby trouser press from John Lewis but later said he would repay the cost in order “to avoid controversy”. He later claimed on a live Channel 4 news programme that he needed the trouser press to “look smart” for work. In June 2010, it was revealed that in the second half of 2009, a period after the expenses scandal news story became known, Huhne claimed £14,948 in expenses, including some minor amounts such as a bill of 14 pence for stationery. The claim also included costs incurred in servicing an old boiler at his constituency home.

Words fail. Well, apart from the word “twat” obviously. I shall make no comment as to “servicing of the old boiler” (another chicken joke) apart from to point out that that has wound-up costing him considerably more than it cost us. Oh and in for a penny in for a pound. Mr Huhne clearly believes mahogany to be more important than monogamy. Boom boom!

Interestingly Huhne has apparently previously been banned from driving for mobile phone use so I think we can safely conclude Mr Huhne believes himself to be above mere mortals.

So fuck off now Huhne. You have always been a twat and now nemesis has caught up with your hubris which is fitting. It’s like a Greek tragedy (the ex is Greek of course) but a really dismally mundane one. I mean they’re all eye-gouging, incest and slaughter whereas this is fluffy dusters, a “mid-life crisis” affair and speeding, in a Prius, in Essex.

In a final twist of irony if (when?) Mr Huhne is found guilty (and he’s denying it despite being banged to rights) he is quite likely to spend some time in an extremely big house courtesy of the tax-payer. Couldn’t happen to a bigger twat if you ask me.

(Quotes from Huhne’s Wikipedia article).