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Something for the weekend…

Let us imagine…

It is Saturday night and onto the stage, in front of Simon Cowell and the rest, Ant & Dec usher on youthful (or indeed even alive – this is fantasy)…

Bob Marley, Bruce Springsteen, Debbie Harry, Elvis Presley…

What happens next?

And no I’m not being an old git here because the same would happen with my generation. The same would happen with Suede or Alison Goldfrapp or Portishead (now that would be fun given Beth Gibbons notorious stage-fright) or indeed even Kylie.

The same would happen with Florence + The Machine. People are still making great music and there is also the likes of Matt Cardle who exists only to dampen gussets last dampened (though perhaps in a different way) when the US 8th Airforce was stationed nearby – “Oh, young man…”*. I confidently expect at some point in the near future for some “Britain’s got an X-Voice” star to be bingo-winged to death – “I saw him first Doris…”.

Don’t get me wrong. I love this. One of the great cultural revolutions I have recently witnessed is the death of popular music in the sense of the “Hit Parade” and all that malarkey. It’s great. The download generation has bust it all open.

We are all now all .alt

We are all individuals.

(I’m not.)


Your choice. Girls fancy him you know. And the female of the species criticizes us lads for going like “route one” for stereotypes with like tits and everything! Christ! He is the most unoffensive fucker I have ever seen (and that is what offends me). He makes “One Direction” look like “The Who” in their hell-raising days with Keith Moon. He looks injection moulded from the least threatening of plastics.

*Ever been “young manned”. It’s terrifying. It is mainly done by dears requiring help parking their Honda Jazz within two metres of the curb. The Jazz is the biddie & codger mobile par-excellence – they buy ‘em because Hondas last – longer than most of the drivers will judging by the parking anyway. In a few year’s time there will be a lot of very reliable second-hand cars on the market with one extremely careful owner. Getting the fucker into fourth might be a struggle because the coffin-dodgers who drive them regard that as tantamount to jumping to warp speed – “She kannae tek much more of this Cap’en!”. If I die on the roads it won’t be due to some boy racer but some old git getting hen-pecked behind the wheel (“You’re not Sterling Moss, you know”), as the speedo hits 55 in the fast lane of the M6 and it all goes 2001) and choking on a Werther’s Original. My automotive death shall be wearing driving gloves.


  1. RAB says:

    This was live telly…

    Not something the callous callow Cowell could hope to control. But I contend that it is the absence of a Top of the Pops and a top 20 chart that even old geezers knew what was in it, not just their nephews and nieces, that allows cunts like Cowell to flourish. There is as much great music being made now as there ever was, but now it is just another entertainment stream, not a lifestyle choice. There is no focus.

  2. Tim Newman says:

    Ever been “young manned”.

    Yes, but in Russian. “Molodoi chelovek!” is the most common way of saying “Excuse me, you over there!” Anyone young enough to not have been on the front when Stalin issued his “Not one step back” order gets addressed this way.

  3. Schrodinger's Dog says:

    “…the speedo hits 55 in the fast lane of the M6 and it all goes 2001 …”.


    While I found out many years ago that, for a 1983 Audi Coupé, warp speed is 120 mph – that being the speed at which the cylinder head warps. The first I knew about this was when I couldn’t see anything behind me on account of the cloud of white smoke. In fairness to the car – and unbeknownst to me at the time – I should point out the coolant had already boiled-away.

  4. Stonyground says:

    My fifteen year old daughter tends to discover new artists by following related links on You Tube. Like me, she has wildly eclectic taste and buys CDs from Amazon or direct from the artist. I sometimes “borrow” them and listen to them in the car.

    Taliking of You Tube, if there are any old fossils here who still like ELP there is a blind teenager called Rachel Flowers who is pretty amazing.

  5. NickM says:

    Mr Dog,

    My sister-in-law once averaged 80 between Southampton and Manchester. In a three-pot Vauxhall Agila! Have you ever hit 90 in one of those. It’s like hitting the light barrier. Weird things happen and a resonance kicks in that shakes the dash something unbelievable. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord! It is emotional in exactly the same way doing 500kts in a 767 isn’t.

  6. NickM says:

    Mr Dog,
    I should have added this. When I was a small child my parents hired a VW camper van for a holiday trip to Cornwall. At Land’s End (well three miles from but you get the picture) fire was coming from out the back. The AA had to get us home. Alas that meant back to Gateshead. Epic Fail.

  7. NickM says:

    I like the idea of you having a fifteen year-old so you don’t have to bother. “Borrowing” – you sly dog, you! If Stony’s daughter is reading. Charge your Dad! You are his talent scout aren’t you? That’s got to be worth a few quid.

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