1. “Baby on Board” thingies in cars. So if you don’t have a rug-rat it’s OK to rear-end you, you complete tit-end. If there is anything I hate more it is the variations such as “Little Princess on Board”. I appeal to all HGV drivers to run such fuckers off the road with extreme prejudice. You just know it makes sense because you just know the “Little Princess” will be whelping her second piteous bastard by fourteen.
2. Prince Charles. The twat that keeps on twatting. There are things scuttling on raggedy claws across abysmal plains with more right to be King of England than that luggulent used female sanitary product.
3. “Think 25″. Because it applies to all age related products. This makes it impossible for a kid to go out and buy stuff to make an Airfix Spitfire like glue and a scalpel and paints and thinners and such. Childhood-stealing donkey tossers. Where do they think the next generation of aircraft engineers will come from? Not that they care because their sorry social-sciences asses wouldn’t know a tip-vortex from a yak’s cunt.
4. Burgers in pubs. Oh, there are good ones but nowadays they usually feel the need to put them on ciabatta. Anyone who serves this ought to be shot. This is not a criminal sanction. It is humane in the same way hitting critically injured (almost) road-kill with a spade is. It is for their own good.
5. The idea that rising property prices are a Good Thing. The real wealth of a nation is in what it does or makes not in what land it has. Not only has my property risen in value considerably I also have Madeleine McCann in the basement you Express reading cunts.
6. “Give it up!”. Yes, that means you you Belfastian cunt Kielty. I mean as in, “Give it up for…”. Why not “Welcome…”. And Kielty in case you are reading just give it up. TV, Showbiz, life, whatever…
7. Sugar with no sugar in it. What the fuck are they advertising?
8. Those current BT adverts – you know with the flat-share. I fucking hate BT anyway but that puts the tin lid on it. They still think they’ve got some sort of divine right. Knuckle-dragging ares-wits who couldn’t organize a blow-job in a monkey whore-house with a truck load of bananas that they are. Why dear God didn’t privatization get their grasping hands off the local loop? Until they roll fibre up to my house (near suburban Manchester – hardly Timbuktu) they can go fuck themselves. I used to work for them. I know what cunts they are.
9. Pizzas with cheese in the crust and similar malarkey. What the fuck is that about? The only good pizza is one which is built on a classical thin crust. Pizza Hut are primarily responsible and are for a simple reason. They can’t make a good pizza so they continually arse about it instead. Wankers.
10. Co-op ATMs. It’s the way they take an extra step to ask if you want so as to be simultaneously planet-savingly self-righteous and cost me seconds I shall never get back. Tapir-rimming cunts.