Last night I watched “Match of the Day”. Of course I did because this has been a great football season. Am I the only person who believes Alan “Woeful” Hansen is a self parody? Is there some prophecy on Merseyside that if he ever smiles the Liver Building collapses or something? Alan Shearer* looked like Ian Wright in comparison. At least they didn’t have Hansen’s gloomy side-kick Mark “Droopy” Lawrenson. They also interviewed Kenny Dalglish who is almost as dour. Of course that unholy trinity of profound miserablists played together for the highly successful Liverpool side of the ’80s. They won a lot. I guess a lot of fences got creosoted in the Lancashire/Cheshire area round then. The show wound-up with the goal of the season (deservedly won by Cisse of Newcastle) and Hansen looked physically pained. Because this was about celebrating glorious attacking play and not lamenting “schoolboy errors” or the lack of “tracking back”. Hansen of course was a defender and dear gods do you not get to know that. Just cheer up you multi-millionaire sporting “heroes” already!
Anyway, great for Mancini’s lads (who at least looked like they were enjoying themselves) and Manchester (and I guess Europa league for the Geordies isn’t too dusty). By the way the idea that there are no United fans in Manchester is a myth. There are also fans of Stockport County (twinned with Ibrox) heaven help them! Apparently my take-over of the blue side of Glasgow is almost complete because I managed to find a groat down the back of the sofa and a few lads down the pub who’ll “have a go” if I get in a crate of Stella and some sarnies. My training regime will involve the DVD of Braveheart, “You might tek us via an offside trap but you’ll never tek us seriously!”. Scottish football, eh? It makes Macbeth look like a screwball comedy. Maybe that is why Hansen is such a profound miserablist.
*Random quote from his ghost written autobiography from a few years back, “I saw we were twelve points clear so celebrated by going out and creosoting the fence”.