Well there I was outside Ronnie Scott’s Club the other night having a quick fag or two in the interval, when this piggy eyed shortarse in blue suede shoes came out and joined me, and lit up a cigar.
We eyed each other for a minute or two, then he said… I say, aren’t you that RAB chap the critic?
Er yes I replied, and aren’t you Lord Clarke of West Bridgford, and our less than esteemed Minister of Justice?
Shhh not yet! It’s in the pipeline, and god knows this Govt can’t last much longer, I’m making sure of it! Nice safe bolthole for me in the Lords, I’m too old for Europe more’s the pity, have you seen their pensions? Neil Kinnock’s makes me green with envy!
Well now you mention Europe Minister, how do you explain this?
Oh easy dear boy (in his finest patronising and condescending voice… I will say this one more time slowly for the hard of understanding drone) This country is finished. All the countries in Europe are finished. The only hope is a United States of Europe. Then it will be sunny uplands for all. Just like an extended Coltrane solo for evermore!
But Minister, not all of us who like Jazz, like extended Coltrane solos, especially the ones towards the end of his life when he was completely and utterly bonkers. Don’t you think that the EU Project is now completely and utterly bonkers too? It has put the roof on the building before digging the foundations and constructing the walls.
Oh utter tosh dear boy! It’s as sound as a Pound.. Er Euro!! We will join in the end, it’s inevitable!!!
But were you not once a Conservative? Someone who believes in National Sovereignty, and self Governance? That our Law, the Great Common Law of England, Magna Carta and all that, that spread around the world ? And was adopted by all of our former colonies because it was good and just and the best way to form a national identity, that was fair and free?
God god no! I have never been a Conservative! I have just played lip service to it all my life. You have heard of the Cambridge 5? Well I was number six! Just a route to power old boy! I love the EU and dream of a United States Of Europe. Me and Heseltine both. 5th columnists all along! That’s why we knifed Maggie in the back when we did. She won a war, she won a rebate from the blessed EU and we could tolerate her no longer. Christ she might have won the next election! We couldn’t have that!! More free thinking self motivating people without the great and good’s guiding hand? Good God no! she had to go! I was first in to tell her to go after she hadn’t won outright on the first ballot. And fair enough to her, she was educated for a woman… She didn’t say Et Tu Brutus? to me but Vos Primoris Ken? She got that right alright!
So where do you see us going on from here Minister? With no Democracy or representation worth the meaning of the words in this sunny uplands of the United States of Europe?
We’ll see it all come good in the end my friend, mark my words!
So we stubbed out our smokes and chucked them in the gutter, proceeded to go back into Ronnies, when we were pounced on by the Smoke and litter police who fined us £75 each for littering and smoking in a prohibited place(EU directive).
I paid up, but the last I heard from Ken, as he was led away, was… Do you know who I am!! No! I only carry Euros….
90% of Telegraph readers voted for a Referendum. Silly and mad? who you or us? Ken?