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The Hunter, His Vegan Boyfriend, and the Bear-Skin Rug

You can just tell this is going to be fucking awesome

Could you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can’t seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia, and screwin’ a bearskin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests—which involve rope bondage, floggin’, and an e-stim unit—hasn’t worked. Logic isn’t helpin’ out at all. Maybe you can help?

I’m a gay man and a hunter; he’s a gay boy and a vegan. But he likes how I look in my camo, holding a rifle, so it works. Last fall, I went to Idaho and shot a black bear and a 13-point buck. A taxidermist mounted the buck’s head, which hangs above my bed, and made the bear into a rug. Most people don’t know this, but the head on a bearskin rug is entirely fake except for the fur. The skull, teeth, and tongue are plastic, and the eyes are glass. That bear’s hardly a bear, if you catch me.

So we got the rug, and he liked it. Even wanted me to screw him spread-eagle on that rug—until he walked in while I was doing it with the bear. I rigged up the mouth with one of those Fleshlight things, pretty much as a joke, but my boy freaked out when he saw the bear giving me a blowjob of sorts. Called me sick and disgusting, and ever since then, he won’t let me tie him up or beat him or anything. He says he’s afraid I will kill him and then screw him. I keep telling him it was all just a game, but he won’t believe it. What can I do?

Words almost fail even me. I mean I’m pretty open-minded but getting a “blowjob of sorts” from a rug is beyond ridicule. What actually really gets me is that the boyf wandered in on this truly bizarre “scene” (what the devil do you say? “Did you see the Bear’s game? Great game”. Maybe not) and that means this utterly deranged masturbatory experience took place with this bloke’s “boy” in the vicinity. Why not just, you know, have sex with him? You know sex with a person and not a rug? In this case his boyfriend. It works for most of us – sex with another person of the same species is generally rated higher than screwing carpets. Getting a “blowjob of sorts” from a dead bear must surely be very much a minority pursuit. And seeing as the guy’s boyfriend was about surely couldn’t he have provided a genuine blowjob anyway? What manner of utterly, utterly depraved mind jury-rigs a bear sex-doll? And to do it when your sexual partner is in the neck of the woods completely beggars belief (I mean give him a kiss, pour some wine… It’s not rocket science (or even dead bear molestation studies)). I mean it wasn’t as if he had months of enforced sexual abstinence to drive him up the pole. But up the pole he very clearly is. And not a pole I ever want anything to do with.

From here. And that was sent to an agony column in a Washington DC paper. Here is the answer which is brave…

What can you do? You mean besides send video of you and your bear in action to prove this isn’t the most entertaining fake letter I’ve received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment? What can you do besides that?

You can do this: You can draw a distinction between what was going on in that bear’s mouth when your boyfriend walked in and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off—with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug—two things are kindasorta happening simultaneously: what the man is doing with his dick and what the man is imagining he’s doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren’t clenched-fist fetishists; they’re just horny and their fists are there and, say, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t. Fists provide necessary friction; imaginations provide sexy scenarios.

So your boyfriend walked in and saw you fucking the face of a dead bear. That’s gonna look bad, BGA, even to a boyfriend who isn’t vegan. So how do you fix it? By patiently explaining to your vegan boyfriend that while, yes, you were face-fucking a bear when he walked in on you—there’s no denying that—you weren’t thinking about face-fucking a bear. Tell him you were thinking about him, and the bear’s mouth was just a convenient place to wedge your vegan-boyfriend-substitute, i.e., your Fleshlight. Tell your boyfriend you don’t entertain any murderous fantasies, tell him you only long to fuck living things, and tell him that Homo sapiens are the only animals you find attractive.

Tell him all of that, BGA, even if not all of that is entirely true.

H/T my wife. She is also vegan. She has never though, as far as I know, fucked a dead bear (or indeed a living one). We would have words over either! And the growling would be something else.

33 Comments

  1. Robert the Biker says:

    Right, time to turn off the lights and go home…..these people have finally become self mocking and all further efforts on our part will be in vain.
    I’m going to have a lie down after reading this, and not with a bearskin either (though I DO have a sheepskin)

  2. John Galt says:

    Lets not just focus on the gay aspect of this, although the object in question wouldn’t be my first choice to stick either a fleshy or my membram virile, this sort of stuff does happen.

    How many wives and girlfriends have walked in and found their husbands / boyfriends fucking a melon, jar of chopped liver or even an apple pie (as per the scene from American Pie?) – admittedly it sounds strange and this shit does happen, although I suspect less so since the Fleshlight came on the market and yes before anyone asks I do own one and it is usually used in company as it were.

    Equally, how many wives and girlfriends have come home to find their partner exploring the delights of prostate stimulation with a carrot?

    What’s worse for a relationship? catching someone in the act of face-fucking a stuffed bear or doing the same with James / Jane from Accounts?

    As far as that kind of psychological kick in the balls goes, I’ll take Yogi Bear every time.

  3. Simon Jester says:

    Does anyone else fnd the idea of fucking Sarah Jessica Parker to be almost as disturbing as that of fucking a dead bear’s mouth?

    I’ll get me coat.

  4. APL says:

    “She has never though, as far as I know, fucked a dead bear (or indeed a living one). We would have words over either! And the growling would be something else.”

    You’d kinda think that a guy who took pretty strong exception to a comment relating to his wife, to the extent of preciptating a fairly public split among the contributors to CCiZ, wouldn’t then immediately go back and invite the same scenario all over again.

    Suggests some sort of pathological behavior, if you ask me.

  5. As a friend of mine used to say, when something really really ludicrous caught his attention “Oh dear oh dear oh dear”. (You’ll have to imagine the Edinburgh accent – not Morningside, the other one).

  6. Henry Crun says:

    I have a question. Why would a gay bloke use a fleshlight, or do they make a puckered sphincter version?

  7. NickM says:

    Simon,
    Good point. I thought that. And the proposed threesome with SJP and Michelle Obama. Just no.

    APL,
    I was being funny. There is funny (I was imagining readers would read that and picture me upstairs trying to sleep and yelling down about the growling) and there is offensive. As far as all that is concerned that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Ian B had been pissing me off no end on many levels and he was the one who flounced.

    John,
    I personally have never really engaged in any of the above. The chopped liver sounds vile and if the movie American Pie taught us anything it is the importance of the cooling rack. Delia herself though had stressed it and I can’t see her tolerating that sort of thing though she is from East Angular which is near Thailand according to Saint Jade of Goody who is presumably in the great petting zoo in the sky with Lady Di and that Serbian nun.

    Henry,
    Yes they do. They make a variety of “accessories”. I know this because they were spamming me to er… buggery for a while. “Good and tight, just like prom night”. I objected to that. I thought it vile on many levels. I don’t think I need to explain. For starters though does anyone want to go through that terrible teenage fumbling again?

    John,
    I come back to you. You are a very valued commentator here and Laird’s bewilderment at Brenda caused massive amusement round here (even the cat laughed) so this is awkward on a public forum but I gotta ask, why use a Fleshlight “in company”?

  8. NickM says:

    Oh, and gotta say. Nobody seemed to to just think this funny which is why I posted it. It is funny. I wasn’t trying to make a point! God knows what that point might have been.

  9. NickM says:

    And another thing… (dontcha just hate that!) the title appealed to me as a Holmes fan. I have a great love of the unwritten Holmes adventures and it sounds like one of those. You know like, “The Adventure of the Lighthouse, the Member of Parliament and the Trained Cormorant” that Dr Watson tantalizes towards. There is also the “Adventure of the Giant Rat of Sumatra” for which, “The World is not ready”. Is it yet? Does anyone know of a definitive list of canonical unwritten Holmes stories?

  10. John Galt says:

    this is awkward on a public forum but I gotta ask, why use a Fleshlight “in company”

    Poor innocent boys, no imagination whatsoever. I’ll try and explain without causing gross offence to the audience at large.

    Without taking certain preparations beforehand (lubrication, cleansing and …err… tenderizing) boys-only sexy time can be a bit messy and painful, leaving you tender for several days afterwards.

    Reciprocal use of a Fleshlight in company can be done on a spur-of-the-moment without the mess or the complications.

    If you’re girlfriend / wife allows you anal pleasure occassionally as some do, she can explain it more openly.

    In answer to Henry Crun, you can get Fleshlights tailored towards the gay marketplace, but it’s a bit like trying to stuff your membrum virile inside a toothpaste tube – how’s that for sexytime heh? The one we have is just the standard model, ribbed for pleasure as they say.

    Disgusted yet?

  11. RAB says:

    I seem to remember a Lenny Bruce routine from the distant past, that was about how guys can get horny in almost any circumstances. Losing a leg in a bad car crash and making a play for the nurse in the ambulance on the way to hospital, or screwing mud for instance.

    I must say this Fleshlight thingy would have been top of my Xmas wish list when I was 12. It’s a very frustrating age to be, 12. Well the equipment and the obsession has arrived, but then so has the knowledge that you havent a hope in hell of getting laid for at least another five years. So it was J Arthuring it five times a day to the Littlewoods catalogue underwear section. We didn’t even have porn back in the sixties. I had to draw my own until I found a couple of pages from Health and Efficiency in a hedge at the bottom of our garden.

    As for screwing Melons, well we’d have tried it in a heartbeat, but do you know how rare melons were back then? Up there with Lobster and Oysters in the luxury foods department! Best we managed, to break the circuit of sensory feedback as it were, was stuffing an old sock in a spent toilet roll tube and jamming it between the mattress and the base of your bed.

    We did have a tigerskin rug though, the real thing too, head and all. Manky smelly thing it was too. We had to burn it in the end.

  12. NickM says:

    John,
    If you want to disgust me you’re going to have to try a lot harder…

    RAB,
    I thought you were from Wales and not one of the four Yorkshiremen?

  13. RAB says:

    Nick :-)

    Actually my great grandfather came from Shipton in Yorkshire, so it’s probably in the genes eh?

    Oh and no sheep in Heath Cardiff either. A desperately deprived childhood I had I tells ya!

  14. John Galt says:

    If you want to disgust me you’re going to have to try a lot harder…

    Strangely enough Mr. Nick, it wasn’t you I was worrying about, it was the rest of the poor Kitty Kounters out there – and the original post is more bizarre than funny, but as they say in my old home town of Halifax, “there’s nowt so queer as folk”

  15. Given this and the previous post, I do wonder though about your browsing habits. My spam is nothing like so interesting, just endless offers of web design services and the odd trip on the odd trip on the Orient Express. I’m ignoring the ubiquitous financial phishing e-mails of course which go out to millions of addresses generated by a piece of software rather than being based on a list scraped off a web site visitors log.

  16. Henry Crun says:

    Oh John, you’re sharing the board with an ex-military operating theatre nurse – I seen things you just haven’t even thought possible yet.

    What you do with your own spare time is none of my biz.

  17. NickM says:

    RAB,
    A question. I’m 20 and going back for my second year at university and me mum and dad want rid of the zebra skin as part of a re-jigging of the dining room so I ask my mum if I can take it down to Nottingham.

    And she says: “You’re going to have sex on it.”

    Note the lack of the query there. Of course I was going to have sex on it but I did maintain a sort of defense though conceding the issue but not the principle.

    “Well I thought it would be a talking point”.

    “That you’re going to have sex on”.

    “I’d like to think so”.

    “Well, you can’t have it then”.

    So I have never made sweet, sweet love in the Bond fashion. God knows where that thing is. I mean it might have got up and neighed at the point of climax if I’d had my way. Though, obviously as a Geordie sex on something in black and white stripes… Ha’way the lads!

  18. RAB says:

    Well you don’t disgust me either John G, I shared a flat with The Gay Buddhist for two years.

    I thought the original letter might be a spoof first off, but then thought… Nah, you’ve read more bizarre stuff than that in Advice Columns over the years.

    One I read in OZ, the Hippie magazine, years ago was how to inflate your Balls for maximum pleasure.

    What you were supposed to do was take a nail scissors and cut a little hole in the sac, then insert a drinking straw and inflate to the size of Louis Armstrong blowing trumpet, then quickly stick a plaster over the hole to stop deflation, and orf you jolly well go on the road to maximum sexual joy!

    See you later alligator to that one!

  19. NickM says:

    Ian (not that one) B,

    Currently it’s mainly PFI. It has been “horny married women in your area” (by a very vague definition of area). It has been other things such as Nigerians. And you know what that is like.

  20. RAB says:

    Good story Nick, but what was the question?

  21. NickM says:

    RAB,
    I was riffing on your tigerskin.

  22. dfwmtx says:

    Could be worse. I’ve read enough stories online from nurses and ER staff that fall under the heading of “Things People Need Removed From Their Rectums Which ‘Accidentally’ Got There”. I’ve heard of cases of guys needing themselves removed from park benches, tires, library book return slots, etc. And horror of horrors, gay vegan boi could’ve come home to find his boyfriend having sex with a woman. So Fleshlight in a fake bear’s mouth just doesn’t seem that bad.

    I haven’t gone thru the entire catalog, but one time I did see an attachment to make a Fleshlight into a vampire’s mouth. Fangs and all.

    And yes, sometimes people will resort to wanking even when there’s someone available. For various reasons. Variety, imagining someone else, need to do it right now, etc.

    But this combination sure is funny. Reminds me of a scene from Super Troopers.

  23. Kevin B says:

    or screwing mud for instance.

    So this put me in mind of the old song, “It’s a treat to beat your meat on the Mississippi Mud” so off we goes to u-tube to find it.

    Only to find that they’ve changed the words since Bing sung it all those years ago.

  24. NickM says:

    dfwmtx,

    From the Annals of improbable research we have…

    “In 1995, the Ig Nobel Prize in literature was awarded to two surgeons who painstakingly assembled a study called Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World’s Literature. Those case reports involve, among other items: seven light bulbs; a knife sharpener; two flashlights; a wire spring; a snuff box; an oil can with potato stopper; 11 different forms of fruits, vegetables and other foodstuffs; a jeweller’s saw; a frozen pig’s tail; a tin cup; a beer glass; and one patient’s remarkable ensemble collection consisting of spectacles, a suitcase key, a tobacco pouch and a magazine.
    The doctors, David B Busch and James R Starling of Madison, Wisconsin, were inspired by one of their own patients: “A 39-year-old married white male lawyer presented with a self-inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher.” ”

    Oddly enough I’d really like a back scratcher. For scratching the back.

  25. NickM says:

    dfwmtx,
    It reminds me of the closing stages of Withnail and I. It’s like a scene you see and you aren’t so much disgusted or aroused as astonished by. Kind of like once when I walked into the office and my office pal – my buddy, my wing-woman, my mate, my fellow computational astrophysical fluid dynamicist, my friend was chuckling to herself.

    This is why she was chuckling. She’d forwarded me:

    this

    That link is absolutely not safe for work. Wicked woman! She almost wet herself when I saw it and I told her if I got in schtuck over this she was buying the farm over it.

  26. JuliaM says:

    “Though, obviously as a Geordie sex on something in black and white stripes… Ha’way the lads!”

    OK, that was even funnier than the post itself, and I didn’t think that was possible! :)

  27. Simon Jester says:

    Nick,

    About ten years ago, the book you’ve linked was in the first page of results for the search “Pointers in C” on the US Amazon site. Caused a few lulz at the IT consultancy I was working at…

  28. APL says:

    Nick: “I was being funny. There is funny (I was imagining readers would read that and picture me upstairs trying to sleep and yelling down about the growling) and there is offensive.”

    I didn’t find it offensive. Just odd.

    Nick: “As far as all that is concerned that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. ”

    Then don’t provide free straw.

  29. NickM says:

    Simon,
    That actually explains a lot. S forwarded it to me but she’d got it from A who was our resident C (and Unix) guru. Of course in the spirit of science the explanation of a fact always seems to open many more issues to be explained. The simplest one is why it propagated – it was funny for being outrageous but why did that scale the heights of C stuff specifically – a language I am moderately familiar with but it never seemed to specifically involve fisting. Having said that I never really got pointers.

  30. Lynne says:

    The Romans probably did it first…

  31. NickM says:

    Did what Lynne? This thread already seems to cover every preversion known to either man or indeed beast.

  32. Laird says:

    You really are a strange lot here. I’ve learned a lot today that, frankly, I would have preferred not to know. Thanks ever so much.

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