You can just tell this is going to be fucking awesome…
Could you tell my boy to calm the heck down? Can’t seem to get him to get the difference between bestiality, necrophilia, and screwin’ a bearskin rug. Emphasizing my usual sexual interests—which involve rope bondage, floggin’, and an e-stim unit—hasn’t worked. Logic isn’t helpin’ out at all. Maybe you can help?
I’m a gay man and a hunter; he’s a gay boy and a vegan. But he likes how I look in my camo, holding a rifle, so it works. Last fall, I went to Idaho and shot a black bear and a 13-point buck. A taxidermist mounted the buck’s head, which hangs above my bed, and made the bear into a rug. Most people don’t know this, but the head on a bearskin rug is entirely fake except for the fur. The skull, teeth, and tongue are plastic, and the eyes are glass. That bear’s hardly a bear, if you catch me.
So we got the rug, and he liked it. Even wanted me to screw him spread-eagle on that rug—until he walked in while I was doing it with the bear. I rigged up the mouth with one of those Fleshlight things, pretty much as a joke, but my boy freaked out when he saw the bear giving me a blowjob of sorts. Called me sick and disgusting, and ever since then, he won’t let me tie him up or beat him or anything. He says he’s afraid I will kill him and then screw him. I keep telling him it was all just a game, but he won’t believe it. What can I do?
Words almost fail even me. I mean I’m pretty open-minded but getting a “blowjob of sorts” from a rug is beyond ridicule. What actually really gets me is that the boyf wandered in on this truly bizarre “scene” (what the devil do you say? “Did you see the Bear’s game? Great game”. Maybe not) and that means this utterly deranged masturbatory experience took place with this bloke’s “boy” in the vicinity. Why not just, you know, have sex with him? You know sex with a person and not a rug? In this case his boyfriend. It works for most of us – sex with another person of the same species is generally rated higher than screwing carpets. Getting a “blowjob of sorts” from a dead bear must surely be very much a minority pursuit. And seeing as the guy’s boyfriend was about surely couldn’t he have provided a genuine blowjob anyway? What manner of utterly, utterly depraved mind jury-rigs a bear sex-doll? And to do it when your sexual partner is in the neck of the woods completely beggars belief (I mean give him a kiss, pour some wine… It’s not rocket science (or even dead bear molestation studies)). I mean it wasn’t as if he had months of enforced sexual abstinence to drive him up the pole. But up the pole he very clearly is. And not a pole I ever want anything to do with.
From here. And that was sent to an agony column in a Washington DC paper. Here is the answer which is brave…
What can you do? You mean besides send video of you and your bear in action to prove this isn’t the most entertaining fake letter I’ve received since Michelle Obama invited me to dinner at Sarah Jessica Parker’s apartment? What can you do besides that?
You can do this: You can draw a distinction between what was going on in that bear’s mouth when your boyfriend walked in and what was going on in your head. When a man beats off—with or without a Fleshlight-enhanced bearskin rug—two things are kindasorta happening simultaneously: what the man is doing with his dick and what the man is imagining he’s doing with his dick. Guys who beat off using a clenched fist, for example, generally aren’t clenched-fist fetishists; they’re just horny and their fists are there and, say, Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t. Fists provide necessary friction; imaginations provide sexy scenarios.
So your boyfriend walked in and saw you fucking the face of a dead bear. That’s gonna look bad, BGA, even to a boyfriend who isn’t vegan. So how do you fix it? By patiently explaining to your vegan boyfriend that while, yes, you were face-fucking a bear when he walked in on you—there’s no denying that—you weren’t thinking about face-fucking a bear. Tell him you were thinking about him, and the bear’s mouth was just a convenient place to wedge your vegan-boyfriend-substitute, i.e., your Fleshlight. Tell your boyfriend you don’t entertain any murderous fantasies, tell him you only long to fuck living things, and tell him that Homo sapiens are the only animals you find attractive.
Tell him all of that, BGA, even if not all of that is entirely true.
H/T my wife. She is also vegan. She has never though, as far as I know, fucked a dead bear (or indeed a living one). We would have words over either! And the growling would be something else.