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London, prepare to become the laughing stock of the Universe.

We knew it was going to be Naff didn’t we? From the very moment the London bid was successful, we here at CCIZ have been putting the boot into the Glorified School Sports Day that is the London Olympics. From the massive public money overspend, the fact that 90% of the sports wouldn’t exist without sponsorship and subsidy, because no-one would pay to see them without all this goddam fuss, to the Zil lanes, and the clusterfuck transport chaos, right down to the rocket batteries on the roofs of council flats.

But at least we thought we might get the opening ceremony right. After all we are good at Ceremony and Pageant  aren’t we? Irrespective of how many medals we win, we Brits can put on a Spectacular better than anyone else on Earth.

Remember the Beijing Olympics 4 years ago? Heh! we would piss all over that eh?

Nope. What we are getting is One Man and His Dog, The Archers on ice, a bucolic vision of our Green and Pleasant land that has either long past or never existed. And boy doesn’t it look like it will move well? Sheep shearing contest anyone, or something more arrestable?

There is going to be Glastonbury Tor down one end of the arena, minus the ruined by earthquake church on top, a worldwide icon that is easily recognised, so why has Danny Boyle substituted an Oak tree instead? Absolutely no idea except it may be a sop to our multi cultural society, Christians being in a distinct minority these days in the good  old UK. Don’t want to offend anyone (you know who) do we?

But you know what? I think this is not so much a vision of our Green and Pleasant Past , but a vision of our future, and fairly immediate future at that, when the lights go out in good old England. Danny is being cool and prescient here! This is supposed to be the LONDON Olympics, LONDON the most magnificent wonderful inventive and creative city on the face of the Earth. But maybe he thinks it’s going to have cows and sheep roaming it soon? Oxcarts instead of 4X4s, row me down the river instead of riding a silver bird into the stratosphere and foreign climes.

Well Broadsword to Danny Boyle… Broadsword to Danny Boyle… Stick this utter crap up your arse and give us back the Commission money!

15 Comments

  1. Philip Scott Thomas says:

    RAB –

    You really expected anything less from the organisation that brought us a logo depicting Maggie Simpson as Margaret Campbell, Duchess of Argyll? Really?

  2. Kevin B says:

    I thought it was Lisa Simpson who was Official Fluffer of London 2012.

    (Great Where Eagles Dare ref BTW RAB.)

  3. NickM says:

    RAB,
    I was almost about to post on this travesty when I read yours. Quality stuff RAB!

    And I second the WED ref. Ace!

  4. Julie near Chicago says:

    Third thumbs-up on the Eagles. Shoot, do I have time to watch it once more before bed?

    I really am sorry you folks got stuck with the Olympics. I was scared to death they would land it on us in Illinois…in which case I’d've upped stakes and gone to someplace requiring me to change my sig to “Julie nowhere near Chicago.” :>(

  5. Roue le Jour says:

    Slightly off topic but I remember when the M25 opened. Cut the ribbon, cars surge up the on ramp, instant gridlock. I’m sitting in my flat in Brussels with Fox on the box and my head in my hands wailing “the whole world’s watching, you fecking useless bastards.”

    I expect the Olympics to set new records in national embarrassment. I can already see me sinking to a dark corner of the bar as French and Dutchmen regale each other with Olympic highlights. Was the bit where the goat tried to eat the torch funnier than the ram attempting to sodomize Boris?

    I sort of hope the mullahs do blow it up. During the opening ceremony. The very beginning of the opening ceremony. In fact, just before the opening ceremony would probably be favourite.

  6. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    “Great Where Eagles Dare ref BTW RAB”

    I had to re-read the post to get it (dah!)

    With Boyle’s form I was rather hoping for the ever yummy Naomie Harris running like hell from infected hordes of zombies. I caught a Beeboid report on it yesterday on Radio 5 (I think) and you could tell there was a kind of “what the…. sound enthusiastic, sound enthusiastic” tone to it all.

    Incidentally, what kind of CV do you need to do these things? What about that guy who makes blood drenched zombie movies to do the opening ceremony, Romero? No he’d cost too much; Boyle – yep he’s our guy, now someone see if Keith Moon will bang the drums.

  7. Lynne says:

    Thank fuck I live well north of the Watford Gap.

  8. NickM says:

    “Romero would cost too much”

    Romero – serial maker of pretty low-budget movies. Boyle now pretty much Hollywood B+ list? No, the real issue is getting a movie director to do it. Given that Shaftesbury Avenue can punch with Broadway on musical theatre* err… wouldn’t a better option have been to get someone doing production design for that in? Movie making is utterly different. The even realer issue is that this farce is set to cost GBP27m – but in the best tradition of infomercials – wait – there is more! There are four “ceremonies” – opening and closing for both Olympics and Paralympics and the total cost is apparently GBP81m. But wait, there’s more! That literally is a drop in the ocean to the whole palaver. It is enough (to quote Krusty the Klown) “To make Santa Claus himself vomit with rage”. I am beside myself. I mean if we’re looking for a real “legacy” from GBP20bn (the total cost of this farce) why not the two great engineering projects that ought to define us. The Severn Barrage and a Thames Estuary Airport and associated barrage both with surface transport links across them. That’s what the Victorians would have done and not piss-around with a sport’s day and HS-2 or blood windfarms.

    *By the way I loved that in The Who “Daleks in Manhatten” – “Does he like musical theatre?”

    Lynne,
    And so do I. And you know what? Won’t stop us paying for it. Beaucoup and forever and ever Amen.

  9. Laird says:

    I wasn’t planning on watching the opening ceremonies (or any of the Olympics, for that matter), but now I suppose I’ll have to just to see how he can make cows and chickens entertaining, let alone into a “spectacle”.

    Sounds like Boyle is yearning for a return to the good old days of real serfdom.

  10. RAB says:

    The site was down for much of yesterday, so this morning I thought I’d check that the link to the Telegraph article was working, when my wife came up behind me as the link came up and said… “Hmm what’s that you’re looking at?”

    “Er the mockup of our opening Ceremony for the Olymics dear”

    Well I received a look and tilt of the head that is very familiar round our house. It means ” For god’s sake can you possibly stop taking the piss for at least five minutes in a day!!?”

    “Now seriously, what is it?” she said. And I can’t help but think that that is going to be the worldwide reaction.

    We have reached a Nadir as a nation havent we folks? Just look at the last few weeks. The Jubilee Regatta, though perfectly pleasant apart from the dire weather, was hardly the Spithead review of the fleet that Victoria got was it?, cos we havent got a bloody fleet anymore! More a collection of pleasure craft and bleedin rowing boats that wouldn’t have done the business at Dunkirk even.

    Then there was that Pop Concert, the less said the better, then this travesty of an Olympics. England are in the European Cup, but our expectaions are so low, both by the fans and the Management, that the flight home has already been booked for the end of the first round. The fact that we managed to draw with France in our first game was astounding, and probably very much down to our no pressure low expectations. You can bet your Addidas boots that when that fat sweaty granny shagging overpaid moron called Rooney gets back into the side a game from now after suspension, we will lose in epic fashion.

    Wimbledon? Too good to Hurry Murray will be out in the quarter finals again, the best we can look forward to is the good possibilty of an Irishman or Englishman winning the British Open.

    I may be a Libertarian, but I’m a Patriotic one, and the destruction of my once proud and prolific land (maimly from within, not without) leaves me weeping and in despair.

    PS ta for the kind words all. The Where Eagles Dare ref just smacked me between the eyes. I’d show Danny Boy the door of the aeroplane sans parachute in a mili-second too! :-)

  11. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    “I may be a Libertarian, but I’m a Patriotic one”

    Start to view countries as artificial constructs (which they clearly are) or tax farms the borders of which smack into the next tax farmers herd, and it gets easy.

  12. zack says:

    ———————-
    SAoT: Start to view countries as artificial constructs (which they clearly are)
    ———————-

    If you view countries and states to be analogous, then yes they are. However if you view countries to be physical conglomerations of people who share a culture and values (with the state being the institution that maintains a political order), then they are very organic (yes, I know that these are far from perfect perfect definitions).

    I see nothing wrong (in principle) with someone loving the culture/traditions they grew up with and having a fondness for those who share it, it is one of the more basic human instincts. It only gets to be a problem when those cultures/traditions are destructive to human liberty.

  13. zack says:

    Also, related to the subject (yes, we really do need an edit button or something), I remember hearing it (I don’t know were, maybe in passing on tv) that they will actually have the set undergo some changes throughout to show the industrial revolution and some other pieces of English history. Still, I don’t retain high hopes for how they will handle it.

  14. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    Zack

    I see your point. I do think the shared culture stuff is a bit “top-down imposed” in many cases and quite how many people share it is unclear.

    I think states maintain political domination and call it order as Laurance Olivier said to Charles Laughton when Crassus was giving his terms to lead an army to defeat Spartacus

    CL: Dictatorship?
    LO: Order.

  15. RAB says:

    Countries, and their characteristics, are not artificial constructs Single Acts, they are grown from the roots up, not the top down, much as our masters and rulers would like it so.

    I am a Welshman and British, but as such I know that I am distinct from an Englishman who also calls himself British. We can share the “Britishness” but we will never be the same. Any more than I can be French (despite having had two French aunts and bilingual cousins) or Italian or German. All Nations take on characteristics that sneery intellectuals like to think of as cliches. They are not, they are who we really are, birds of a feather etc. Developed from family to tribe to region to Nation. The best our rulers can do is try to keep a lid on it, or fraudulently take credit for it.

    If we are sane and rational, as society based humanoids we can co-operate across National borders, and on a one to one or group to group basis very easily. We have been doing it for thousands of years now, but when artificial Constructs like the EU turn up and insist that “We are all Europeans now” as if that was something natural born by proximity rather than affinity and mutual respect, rather than bonds forged via a mutual language and legal system that has spread across the entire globe, not just the parochial backwater that is “Europe”, then I have to laugh in its face and oppose it with all my will and might.

    I also do not do purist Libertarian dancing on the head of a pin type stuff. Not because I can’t but because it’s pointless. If the Statism of the world we currently exist in was reduced by just one half of what I think it should be reduced by, I would die a happy man. Guess I’m going to die a sad miserable old fuck eh?

    I have said before, I am an entertainer not a crusader. I will plug on trying to tell the truth and a few jokes to go with it along the way, as I see things, but I am a realist and pragmatist too. A Libertarian world will take another five lifetimes for me to see, and I’m not even Moses. I will never see that Promised Land.

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