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Speak to me Goose!

I hate that movie. I hate it. The premise of the entire smorgasbord of drivel is that Top Gun exists to get US fighter pilots from a 3-1 (Vietnam) back to a 10-1 (Korea)* kill ratio and it ends in triumph with what 3-1, 4-1 D’oh!. But Jeebus wept! Sailor Malan would have pistol whipped the sex-thimble for that mortifying scene where he’s clutching his late RIO’s tags and his new RIO is screaming at him to fucking do something. If I’d been in a “MiG 28″ he’d have been feeding the fishes before it achieved it’s emotional climax. I mean there has to be a lot of stick action in a dog-fight – just not as a faux-emotional wanking festival. There is also a time and a place for an existential crisis and it’s on a sofa in Cheshire when the ciggies have run out at 3am and there is nothing on TV except Bid-Up selling dreadful jewellery. Or the God Channel. I sometime watch that and TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) which is utter Horlicks with some curious ideas about evolution. And God (or L Ron) is going to buy you a satellite.

(I have to sort of side with Bonio of U2 here. Gods of all pantheons help me for saying that! But Bonio did once say “The God I believe in isn’t short of cash”. Seeing as Bonio clearly believes himself some sort of second-coming** and Bonio is clearly not short of cash the statement is true for a certain value of true. The Holy sacraments are kept under The Edge’s hat. Well something is kept under it other than The Edge’s bald paternoster – possibly a Ginster’s or a small Toblerone)

Not in a dog-fight. That is almost exactly the last time to do it. “Speak to me Goose!”. Oh, fuck off you diminutive bell-ender!

So Katie Holmes has decided to divorce the Cruise-control-freak! You surprise me not. That it took six frigging years does. He’s a repugnant, sofa-bouncing, sleazy, manic Scientologist, blank-firing, dwarf who is also very clearly gay (sue me Tom!) and she’s, well, OK really. Though Dear Gods Katie! It wasn’t that you were just in it for the money and as seven years approached you were going to be transferred to John Travolta which is a fate worse than death? Imagine being humped by that hairy-backed trotter? I’d rather wrestle with Jabba the Hutt. Well, not perhaps the full Hutt. Maybe more Jabba the Wendy House.

Apparently Katie Holmes is a devout catholic and she don’t like scientology presumably because it is not so much “Pilgrim’s Progress” as “Gullible’s Travels”.

Now, I don’t have a religion but I have a certain level of respect for, say, Catholicism but… Scientology? For fuck’s sake what was Ms Holmes thinking of? Or Ms Kidman come to that who is also a Catholic and that also lead to divorce. I mean the religious (and “religious”) difference is that one I just don’t believe in and the other is utterly risible. Anyway, I’d put Nicole Kidman third on my “Down Under” shagging tour. Obviously behind the Minogue sisters à deux (obviously) and Galadriel (I’d certainly use her Ring of Power to dark ends). And if you haven’t dreamed of buggering Cate Blanchett then there is something seriously wrong with you.

By which I mean (sorry to unleash my id and all – and that’s just the shallow end) but – I think I lost my thread. Where was I? Oh, yeah, that lesser tit Cruise who is the opposite of sex. An aeronautical aside here. Leroy Grumman with his penchant for “cat” names had wanted a “Tomcat” since the ’30s but the Navy deemed it “obscene”.*** Got it in the ’70s though. Ladies burnt their bras and we had a sexual revolution for a reason! It was underpowered (until the D model that Grumman had been hollering at the Navy for years over) mind and too big and never a real dog-fighter. I’ve never seen an F-14 in the skies and alas I guess I never will****. But Hell’s teeth those Hughes Phoenix missiles were something else (cost half a million dollars back when that was real money) – nail a spuggy at 100nm. Like to see a F-18 do the same. Maybe with the AESA set and MBDA Meteors. Never with AMRAAMS.

But that is another issue.

*both debatable either way but this is neither the time nor the place…
**My favourite Bonio (like Bob Geldof with more hair ‘product’ utilised) quote is not from him. U2 were playing a gig in Dublin and Bonio was clicking his fingers and syaing “Every time I do this a child in Africa dies”. Some wag at the back hollered, “Well stop fuckin’ doing it then!”. Class.
***The aircraft the Tomcat largely replaced as the USN’s primary fleet defence interceptor was of course the F-4 Phantom II. Now Leroy Grumman was into cats but Jim McDonnell was into the occult. His original name choice was “Satan”. Seriously. The USN might have had Satans on the catapults of the sixth fleet. His second choice was “Mithras”. I would have loved to been a fly on the wall at that meeting.
****Unlike Tom Cruise the F-14 had charisma. When the USN decided to scrap it almost all were trashed even though loads of folks wanted them as gate guardians and the like. The USA was worried parts would go missing in an Iranian direction. Grumman sold The Shah about 80 in the ’70s. They are (to the extent they are still operating) still Iran’s premier interceptor.


  1. The Cowboy Online says:

    Ahhh, the Tomcat F-14, the only inanimate object I’ve ever had a crush on. I think the Lockheed SR-71 is an amazing plane but still, like you say, the F-14 had charisma.

  2. NickM says:

    A few years back I was at Piccadilly Station in Manchester and they had ads for Duxford Museum. They had an SR-71 looking sinister (do they ever look elsewise?). Anyway my wife thinks this is SF (“They can’t build anything that looks like that yet!”). “No, they designed that in the ’50s” I said. It makes you think.

    I have seen a couple of SR-71s on static and I just want to vote Kelly Johnson a supreme “Magnificent Bastard”. I always knew it was a “something else” but read this…

    Now that is charisma! Many SR-71s that fought the Cold War had Playboy Bunnies on their vertical tails. 4000+ SAMs and not a scratch. Go Kelly!

  3. No you didn’t – sorry…

  4. NickM says:

    Do I seem to be the sort of bloke to forget Kylie! I mean Danii without Kylie would be like roast beef without horseradish! Dear God man. Get a grip!


    I have seen Dannii very close-up and she’s well fit. On the same bill was Rolf Harris. I enjoyed his schtick though not in exactly the same way.

  5. Dr Evil says:

    The F4 Phantom was just incredibly powerful. Those big J20 engines could leave much of the opposition standing and it was a tough old bird too. MiG 21s never routinely engaged with phantoms, but when they were conned into it the NV airforce lost half their stock.

  6. Sam Duncan says:

    I’ve always preferred Dannii. Well, not always; there is The Arse to consider, of course. But in every other respect, Minogue Minor is clearly the superior of the two (although, let’s be honest, there isn’t much to choose between them). She sat on my brother’s lap once, you know. Lucky bastard.

    Anyway, I’ve found myself reading about Katie despite myself. Not because OMG THEIR GETTING TEH DIVORCE!!!!111!!1, but simply because over the next few weeks and months we’re going to have yet another lesson in the perfectly legitimate religious activities of Scientology, Inc., and it won’t be pretty. I hope Nicole K. can offer her some advice (of course, mine would have been “Keep away from the poisonous little twat and his mad space alien ‘Church’”, seven years ago, but it’s too late for that now).

  7. JuliaM says:

    “I have seen a couple of SR-71s on static…”

    I saw one fly at Mildenhall, about 20 years ago. Incredible plane.

  8. NickM says:

    Dr Evil,
    They were J-79s… Smokey old turbojets. But kick where it was needed.

    I’m off round your place to siphon your brain!

  9. John Galt says:

    “Top Gun – It is a story about a man’s struggle with his own homosexuality.”
    Quentin Jerome Tarantino

  10. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    Wiki and other sources reckon Iran has Su30, Flankers. They are also rumoured to have JF17′s.

    F14′s were lovely planes but they may no longer Iran’s best.

  11. NickM says:

    The Arse – the Crown of the entire Commonwealth. And the dancing and the (not-annoying) warbling and the general impression that Kylie is quite a nice person. Does it for me,

  12. NickM says:

    I almost gave that quote an outing. It fits it to a T.

  13. HSLD says:

    If it ain’t Century series it ain’t shit :)

    Honourable exemptions for the EE\BAC Lightning and the Blackbird…

    BTW – For the forty billionth time Nick, buy Strike Fighters 2:Vietnam – I won’t stop bitching till you do…

  14. I got side tracked watching that video again – no other excuse…

  15. NickM says:

    An Su-30 is a Flanker of sorts but more GA than air-fighting. The JF-17 is no great shakes. For a real indication of where Iran is fighter-wise I suggest you check out the HESA Saeqeh, their indigenous design and to all intents a warmed over F-5 that the Iranians claim to be a “Stealth Fighter”. Yeah, right and Lewis Hamilton is going to borrow my wife’s Corsa for the next F1. But “Quentin Jerome”. Did his parents want him to get beaten-up at school? No worries he is now fabulously wealthy, critically acclaimed (I’d settle for the former) and has Uma Thurman as a best pal (his muse*). All good. Possibly some of the kids that wailed on him now ask if he wants a five-dollar shake. I guess ten dollars if we include inflation.

    ian (nto) b,
    I know that advert well. Alas the reality (at least the AP store in Manchester) doesn’t really live-up. I do though know a corset maker in Affleck’s Palace and the actual “Love Kylie” range – stocked at Selfridges etc is rather neat. I am actually wearing pants (which is good or at least appropriate) but I sometimes wish I was a woman if only for the vastly more interesting underwear.

    *And mine. Recall her cameo in that dreadful schlock “The Adventures of Baron Munchausen”? As Botticelli’s Venus. I fell in love as a kid. By which I mean I wanked myself raw. But if Uma ain’t got too much on this weekend…

  16. Tim Newman says:

    The F-14 was up there with the F-15, Mig-29, and SU-27 in obeying the first rule of design of a new fighter aircraft: twin tails. Makes them look sooooo much cooler.

    So much so, that under my bed I have an unmade Airfix SU-27 and a Mig-29. I can’t get the paints here though, so haven’t started building them. As soon as I next live in civilisation, I will. And I’ll get my hands on an F-14 and F-15 too.

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