I hate that movie. I hate it. The premise of the entire smorgasbord of drivel is that Top Gun exists to get US fighter pilots from a 3-1 (Vietnam) back to a 10-1 (Korea)* kill ratio and it ends in triumph with what 3-1, 4-1 D’oh!. But Jeebus wept! Sailor Malan would have pistol whipped the sex-thimble for that mortifying scene where he’s clutching his late RIO’s tags and his new RIO is screaming at him to fucking do something. If I’d been in a “MiG 28″ he’d have been feeding the fishes before it achieved it’s emotional climax. I mean there has to be a lot of stick action in a dog-fight – just not as a faux-emotional wanking festival. There is also a time and a place for an existential crisis and it’s on a sofa in Cheshire when the ciggies have run out at 3am and there is nothing on TV except Bid-Up selling dreadful jewellery. Or the God Channel. I sometime watch that and TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) which is utter Horlicks with some curious ideas about evolution. And God (or L Ron) is going to buy you a satellite.
(I have to sort of side with Bonio of U2 here. Gods of all pantheons help me for saying that! But Bonio did once say “The God I believe in isn’t short of cash”. Seeing as Bonio clearly believes himself some sort of second-coming** and Bonio is clearly not short of cash the statement is true for a certain value of true. The Holy sacraments are kept under The Edge’s hat. Well something is kept under it other than The Edge’s bald paternoster – possibly a Ginster’s or a small Toblerone)
Not in a dog-fight. That is almost exactly the last time to do it. “Speak to me Goose!”. Oh, fuck off you diminutive bell-ender!
So Katie Holmes has decided to divorce the Cruise-control-freak! You surprise me not. That it took six frigging years does. He’s a repugnant, sofa-bouncing, sleazy, manic Scientologist, blank-firing, dwarf who is also very clearly gay (sue me Tom!) and she’s, well, OK really. Though Dear Gods Katie! It wasn’t that you were just in it for the money and as seven years approached you were going to be transferred to John Travolta which is a fate worse than death? Imagine being humped by that hairy-backed trotter? I’d rather wrestle with Jabba the Hutt. Well, not perhaps the full Hutt. Maybe more Jabba the Wendy House.
Apparently Katie Holmes is a devout catholic and she don’t like scientology presumably because it is not so much “Pilgrim’s Progress” as “Gullible’s Travels”.
Now, I don’t have a religion but I have a certain level of respect for, say, Catholicism but… Scientology? For fuck’s sake what was Ms Holmes thinking of? Or Ms Kidman come to that who is also a Catholic and that also lead to divorce. I mean the religious (and “religious”) difference is that one I just don’t believe in and the other is utterly risible. Anyway, I’d put Nicole Kidman third on my “Down Under” shagging tour. Obviously behind the Minogue sisters à deux (obviously) and Galadriel (I’d certainly use her Ring of Power to dark ends). And if you haven’t dreamed of buggering Cate Blanchett then there is something seriously wrong with you.
By which I mean (sorry to unleash my id and all – and that’s just the shallow end) but – I think I lost my thread. Where was I? Oh, yeah, that lesser tit Cruise who is the opposite of sex. An aeronautical aside here. Leroy Grumman with his penchant for “cat” names had wanted a “Tomcat” since the ’30s but the Navy deemed it “obscene”.*** Got it in the ’70s though. Ladies burnt their bras and we had a sexual revolution for a reason! It was underpowered (until the D model that Grumman had been hollering at the Navy for years over) mind and too big and never a real dog-fighter. I’ve never seen an F-14 in the skies and alas I guess I never will****. But Hell’s teeth those Hughes Phoenix missiles were something else (cost half a million dollars back when that was real money) – nail a spuggy at 100nm. Like to see a F-18 do the same. Maybe with the AESA set and MBDA Meteors. Never with AMRAAMS.
But that is another issue.
*both debatable either way but this is neither the time nor the place…
**My favourite Bonio (like Bob Geldof with more hair ‘product’ utilised) quote is not from him. U2 were playing a gig in Dublin and Bonio was clicking his fingers and syaing “Every time I do this a child in Africa dies”. Some wag at the back hollered, “Well stop fuckin’ doing it then!”. Class.
***The aircraft the Tomcat largely replaced as the USN’s primary fleet defence interceptor was of course the F-4 Phantom II. Now Leroy Grumman was into cats but Jim McDonnell was into the occult. His original name choice was “Satan”. Seriously. The USN might have had Satans on the catapults of the sixth fleet. His second choice was “Mithras”. I would have loved to been a fly on the wall at that meeting.
****Unlike Tom Cruise the F-14 had charisma. When the USN decided to scrap it almost all were trashed even though loads of folks wanted them as gate guardians and the like. The USA was worried parts would go missing in an Iranian direction. Grumman sold The Shah about 80 in the ’70s. They are (to the extent they are still operating) still Iran’s premier interceptor.