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Pippa and Karl (and Kylie – obviously)

Who would you rather wake up next to?

He is a serious rug-artiste for starters. He reckons only her arse is worthwhile. Well, as a fan of the female buttocketry she’s well OK on that score but no honest man (or even a fashion designer) could call Pippa Middleton ugly from the front. Kate is better looking (and in any case the one true arse to rule them all of the entire Commonwealth has the Southern Cross imprinted upon it). It is of course possible there are arses beyond Her Maj’s dominions etc. that can beat Ms Minogue’s pertness but as a proud Brit I don’t even want to know. Kylie is a National Treasure (and yes, she has spent much of quite a few years the right way up).

That is a veritable peach. I know strong men (and some strong women) who would kill for that and climb over the hecatomb. That is an arse to launch a thousand ships and make the towers of Ilium fall. If bin Laden had really wanted to rile the West he wouldn’t have taken down office buildings but he would have hit Kylie and if that had happened we would have risen up with furious anger (not the normal sort) and all Hell would’ve followed in our train.

And she’s gorgeous from the front (I have seen her sister very close-up – apples don’t fall far from the tree) too. And I guess this is a bit sad of me but Kylie is just a bit older than me so I sort of have an affinity there (she’s kinda been round me all my life). I found myself curiously moved by her cancer diagnosis. I don’t normally worry about celebs but for Kylie I made an exception.


  1. Lynne says:

    He reckons only her arse is worthwhile.

    This from a bloke who wears sunglasses on his?

  2. NickM says:

    Oh Lynne! You naughty woman! You are sentenced to buy and wear one of his grossly over-priced frocks!

  3. Lynne says:

    Nick, I’m no stick insect so my arse would never fit in one.


  4. RAB says:

    Well if you are going to covet your neighbour’s Ass, there is none finer than Kylie’s, and she used to go out with Michael Hutchence, so she’s probably filthy in bed too!

    As for Karl he looks like a cross between and Apachie Chief in his Sunday best on his way to meet president Lincoln, and a corpse.

  5. NickM says:

    “As for Karl he looks like a cross between and Apachie Chief in his Sunday best on his way to meet president Lincoln, and a corpse.”

    -That is a quote of the day. Except it is “Apache”. But that is brilliant. He looks like he is going to a fucking zombie conference. Main topic, “brains!”

    Now tell me this. Was your phrase about a “Neighbour’s ass” a ref to the soap or co-incidental. I used to watch that as a kid and Kylie leaning under the bonnet of a motor (she could grease my nipples anytime!) was something Harold Bishop playing his trumpet (or whatever) for the Sally Army was something other. If I may paraphrase John Donne in reverse order. “One sets our hairs and the other our flesh aright”.

    Alas, I live in Cheshire and Kylie doesn’t so I cannot covet her ass. For shame!

  6. Robert Edwards says:

    ‘Alas, I live in Cheshire and Kylie doesn’t so I cannot covet her ass.’

    Of course you can – Easy! I live in Somerset and I have no problem.
    Re. KL; people who seem to know tell me that he is an occasionally charming, OCD-stricken control-freak and reckon him highly as a result.

  7. RAB says:

    I knew Apachie didn’t “look right” ( do the rest of you spot your spelin mistakes that way?) but couldn’t be bothered to look it up.

    The Biblical reference came first of course, but the soap one wasn’t far behind. So yes, it was deliberate. You know my style by now Nick.

    But if we are being picky on spelling, it’s Paedophile not peadophile. You do it every time :-)

  8. NickM says:

    I like peas. That is my excuse.

  9. Tim Newman says:

    I never saw the fascination with Kylie, even when my peers were busy thrapping themselves into a stupour over her. Okay, she has a nice arse. But her grid? C’mon, she’s pretty enough I suppose, but pretty enough to make a career of? I suppose she is Australian, so if she’s not wearing a beer-vest, swearing, and spitting on the floor she’ll always rank in their top ten (and waaaaaay lower down than Elle McPhereson and Nicole Kidman pre-surgery). And she can’t sing for shit. I can’t even put this one down to having spent too much time in Russia, I never could understand why folks at school were into her, but at least she has lasting appeal I suppose: you’re not the only bloke I know pushing 40 who still drools over Kylie pics. Different strokes, and all that.

  10. NickM says:

    Tim I have thought long and hard (oh er missus!) about Kylie and it really comes down to the fact she’s the Madonna you don’t want to hit.

    Of the birds of the land of Oz you cite I’ll give you Elle (I am a generous caliph) but Kidman has never been on my A-list. She is well over-rated. I’d give Kidman one* but I’d be thinking of Galadriel, obviously. Cate Blanchett is well fitter than Kidman. I had a howling-match over the relative merits of the two over at the Valaquenta forum. I thought Cate was ideal but other’s disagreed so it’s long swords at dawn.

    *Actually not sure I could travel to the farthest frontier if that scientologist had been there before (and delivered no seed, thank God). BTW wasn’t it Kidman who initiated divorce proceedings against the minuscule “actor” and aren’t both her and Holmes Catholics so would it be fair comment to suggest that nearly 2000 years of theology conceived (immaculately**) trumps a load of utter bollocks invented by an obvious charlatan within living memory. There are things you just don’t believe and there are things that are the heaving scrotums of the deranged that are almost beyond ridicule.

    **There is always a certain level of vaginal leakage so “immaculate” is a relative term 9depends on who does the laundry) and yes, I am aware, it strictly applies to Mary. Conceived without sin and all. The “sin” is the bit I enjoy.

  11. RAB says:

    it really comes down to the fact she’s the Madonna you don’t want to hit.

    Spot on Nick. You know you could go out for an evening with Kylie and have a bloody good time. She’s got a sense of humour and isn’t at all “Starry” but Madonna is scary!

    Quick anecdote?

    My mate Grantley and his partner Robert of Massive Attack were invited by Madonna, back in 1994, to come over to the States and re-mix some of her tracks. Well it was the year America was hosting the World Cup. Both are footie fans, so it was a win win situation. Nice little earner and get to see some of the football live too. What can possibly go wrong?

    She put them up in her Bel Air Mansion and bought tickets to some of the games. Madonna though was in the middle of her “Big handsome black blokes” phase, and made it abundantly clear to Grantley (who well qualifies in that respect) that Musical Mixing was not the only kind of mixing she expected.

    Grantley is a very shy bloke in real life, and had a girlfriend he was deeply in love with, and frankly didn’t fancy Madonna one bit, but it’s real hard to say no to a dominatrix like her. So he used to change bedrooms every night without telling her (fortunately there were many in her Mansion) and barracaded himself in just in case the diaphanous vision of muscled Bulgarian weightlifter loveliness materialised at the foot of his bed when he’d dozed off.

    Madonna is a bloody nightmare! and she can’t sing for shit either. Gimmie Kylie’s Locomotion over Madonna’s Like a Virgin anytime.

    PS I’ll give Debbie Harry a ring and tell her it’s all off then shall I ? Your affections have transferred elsewhere. She’ll be very disappointed. She’s looking for a toy boy too, and I don’t qualify. Our relationship must forever be platonic she says. :-)

  12. NickM says:

    “PS I’ll give Debbie Harry a ring and tell her it’s all off then shall I ? Your affections have transferred elsewhere. She’ll be very disappointed. She’s looking for a toy boy too, and I don’t qualify.”

    RAB, a man of the world like yourself has surely heard of threesomes?

    I don’t regard “Maddy” as a dominatrix. She’s a deranged control freak with “issues” (like being mental). The entire point of BDSM is trust. That’s kinda the big turn-on. That is the complete opposite of Maddy wandering her mansion (in her shorty nightie) like something from bloody Wilkie Collins. That’s a bloody brilliant story and it reveals the difference. You can imagine not just going for an ale with Kylie or coffee or a game of frisbee but perhaps, if you’re lucky, other things later but shagging Madonna would involve doing it in front of a panel of judges giving marks for “artistic impression” and “technical merit”. So she got married to that British mockney filming bloke. That lasted and I bet it didn’t because she married him because her PR types had decided it was time for Maddy to go into drinking pints of bitter and wearing a flat-cap. There are 9 bob notes the fuzz found on the floor of Arnie the Forger’s “studio” in Hackney more genuine than her.

    Your story does bring this up mind,

    Kylie though. I bet she is a genuine Enola Gay in the sack and tender and loving and real.

    Basically what I am saying is whilst sex with Madonna might be OK technically (she has practiced those moves) it would lack any warmth or humanity and I don’t see that with Kylie.

    No. It doesn’t happen every day. Those Scousers were right! Damn them!

    Only on Thursdays when there is a “R” in the month.

    PS. I am not stalking Kylie Minogue.

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