Two nights ago I watched “Geordie Shore”. They were in Mexico. I am amazed that we are not already at war with Mexico. Arguably the highlight of the show was one of the lasses (the word “lady” would not be appropriate) so arse-holed to breakfast time she couldn’t get into her hotel room and pissed in a shoe-box in a hotel corridor in Cancun. She’d also been out shopping, see. So she used a shoe-box to preserve her dignity. The last time I saw anything like that in a hotel corridor it was whilst watching “The Shining”. And it was the carpets. God knows about the carpets in that Mexican gaff.
Now far be it from me (and all that) but if you watch “Geordie Shore” please do not think Newcastle is entirely like that. I’m from there and whilst I have done questionable things I have never micturated into a cardboard box in a hotel in the Americas (or any other (in)continent). I am proud of where I am from. The magnificent Georgian architecture that T Dan Smith and John Poulson didn’t (thank God!) quite manage to tear down entirely and our awesome bridges and industrial heritage (alas now largely heritage). Or our two fine universities, or the Theatre Royal (only place outside of London or Stratford the RSC plays every year) or the Lit & Phil - largest private library outside of London (basic fees - less I think for students - about 100 quid a year). And then there are the great Geordies who like built all this around us. Why for the Olympics did they have Ken doing Isambard Kingdom Brunel when he could have done George Stephenson? Perhaps Danny Boyle was being clever. Brunel’s schemes wasted huge amounts of investor’s dosh on white elephants* so it was perhaps fitting.
Anyway. Back to slags pissing in cardboard boxes. Now I have never seen the feat performed (though to be fair she was so wankerated that pissing in the Pacific would have been impressive) but I did experience something curiously similar many years ago. For some unearthly reason me and my mates had decided to go to a pub in Prudhoe (must have been about 18). One of my mates (not me) had heard it’s great for pulling. It wasn’t so we have a couple of pints and buggerth off. Now at the bus stop there is the sound of crepuscular rummaging. And then a scene from Viz unfolds. a Fat Slag (sorry no other term can convey my meaning) hoves into view and says, “Lads you’re missin’ a reet treat - me pal’s having a piss behind them bushes”. What do you reckon happened next? Usain Bolt on roller-skates with a JATO singeing his lycra wouldn’t have beaten us to the next bus stop. I mean there is going on the pull and hoping to meet an attractive girl and there is pissing in a shoe-box in Mexico or behind bushes in Northumberland. Now, +1 for doing it relatively discretely in the bushes (when you gotta go and are utterly titted and aren’t in Mexico with a shoe-box and all that…) and -1,000 for having a mate who thinks bushulent urination sexually enticing. And looks like Jabba the Hutt’s god-daughter.
Key quotes from the Geordie Shore miss-fits parade… I have included my own comments.
“I should have a degree in pulling women.” - whatever!
“Dress to impress, that’s me” - that is from a geezer.
“I would never kiss anyone without a six-pack” - that is possibly ironically brilliant.
“My biggest fear is getting wrinkles.” - that is also from a geezer.
“I’m fit, I’m flirty and I’ve got double Fs.” - that isn’t from a geezer**.
“I am a Geordie girl with a V.I.P. edge.” - whatever!
“I can talk the back legs off a donkey!” - “hind legs” you numpty!
“The hardest graft I’ve ever done is doing my hair.” - that’s from a geezer.
“I got the bangin body, and the banter to match.” - cart/horse misarrangement
“I got the looks, I got the charm, it just works.” - bully for you.
“Geordie Shore” is a total disgrace but it is as watchable as a Zeppelin crash. “Oh the huge manatee!”
And BTW. As far as I know “bangin’” (used all the time in “Geordie Shore”) has never been a euphemism for sexual intercourse in the North East. It is something they simply made-up for the show. Everyone knows the traditional mating call of the Geordie is “Gerrup them stairs!” or maybe I am merely quoting Viz. I wouldn’t know but then I’m a “posh Geordie” from West Gateshead where they have like trees and shit. And bushes. Not that posh.
*The Great Eastern ship was built to sail to Australia and back without re-coaling. Brunel hadn’t bothered to check if there was coal in Australia. There is. Loads of it.
**I have dated a girl of roughly that bra-size. One of the twats I knew thought it hilarious to talk about the “only two reasons” Nick is dating her. I honestly - honestly - hadn’t noticed - and she was a bit sensitive because she was a student on a very limited budget and had enormous trouble finding nice bras. The crassness of some people astonishes me. My “mate” saying that is a sort of middle-class version of the going behind the bushes thing I mentioned. But then he was a twat. He was the sort of twat that couldn’t understand that I might select a partner on the basis of them being an intelligent girl who made me laugh and was generally fun to be around. And yeah, she had nice breasts but that was none of his fucking business.