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It’s shite being Scottish…

I was born in Newcastle. It is spitting distance from Scotland (or to put it more reasonably closer to Edinburgh than to Leeds or Manchester). And before any fucker starts we gave the World the Stephensons and the Lit and Phil (membership is from about 50 quid a year). It’s the largest independent library in the UK outside of London. It’s not just Geordie Shore up there you know. Though we also gave the World Viz. Tits oot for the lads!. I love Viz. I suspect regular readers know it was like Mother’s Milk to moi.

This is though is nonsense…

The First Minister cited repeated examples of the SNP overcoming adversity and argued the party would triumph again because of its political opponents moving to the Right.

That would be the Tories who are the Right the same way I am from Alpha Centauri. If they truly want “independence within the EU” then so fucking what? I would prefer the Union stayed in place but if the eaters of deep-fried pies want the right not to eat said pies (see Nicola Sturgeon – let them eat caviar!) then fuck ‘em. England shall survive. We always have. Since the days of the Egg-Kings.

Oddly enough I have a GBP20 in my pocket. It has Adam Smith on the reverse. Just saying…

He said Labour had moved onto the Tories’ political ground by promising to review the cost of a series of ‘free’ benefits introduced since devolution such as personal care for the elderly and tuition fees.

Meanwhile, he said the Conservatives had descended into “extremism” after they published official figures showing only 12 per cent of Scottish households contribute more in tax than they receive in public services.

Note even The Telegraph puts scare quotes over ‘free’. And this is the Conservative government that has viciously cut spending by er… increasing it.

We are the Union. If North of Hadrian’s Wall they want to descend into mysticism and tyranny so be it. But I won’t be happy and neither will the average Glaswegian.

We are this:

We are legion. Ask the Germans. The Union gave those fuckers a profound and well deserved cunting so they behaved and made nice cars and never invaded Poland again – apart from to buy cheap and good beer – better in the Czech Republic, mind. We burnt an Empire to save the World. Sort of. But we did. We gave a large chunk of it to a lawyer in a nappy. Seriously. I have been to the Civil rights Museum in Atlanta, GA and they had all sorts of stuff from MLK. They had his bible and typewriter and his empty bottles of aftershave (odd!) and his Levi’s denim jacket (exactly the same as the Levi’s denim jacket I was wearing at the time – spookie!) and more. And they also had via reciprocal agreement Ghandi’s personal stuff. A nappy, a pair of specs and a stick. It was weird. MLK was shot five years before I was born but his stuff was like stuff I had. Aramis was his favoured brand – my Mum used to buy me that. Ghandi’s was exactly the sort of stuff I would expect for the Jimmy Saville of human rights.

If Mr Salmond has found a Magic Money Tree (Pecunia arbor?) then can I have a cutting. Can RAB, can Cats, or Single Acts or Lynne or Julie or the bloke down the road? And if Mr Salmond has a cow for sale I have some magic beans (well they turned up all tinned and all at Sainsburys as if by magic – invisible hand and all that or farmers, truckers, shelf-stackers, logistics managers etc.)


  1. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    I am also a viz subscriber, consistently funny satire, laugh-out-loud stuff.

  2. Radical Rodent says:

    What I do not fully understand is Camerloon’s insistence of Scotland remaining in the Union – without the Scottish MPs, Labour would never, ever become the majority party in Westminster (so there is some good about the idea…).

    (However, I understand Salmond’s desire for “independence”; he rather foolishly believes that flinging Scotland onto the EU pyre will put him on a par with the other “leaders” (aka trough-snouters) in Brussels. When will he realise that no-one in Europe will ever allow anyone from these islands true power in Europe.)

  3. Sam Duncan says:

    As I’ve said before, the main reason I don’t write more about Scottish Affairs, despite being the resident Jockular Kitty Kounter, is that I find the whole thing profoundly depressing and try to ignore it in the hope that it’ll go away.

    My compatriots handed the political class a blank cheque in 1997 (the referendum was held before the Scotland Bill was published), and are being asked to do so again since the Nats are distinctly cagey about details. What few they do see fit to divulge seem to change by the day: first they were all for EMU, now they want to keep Sterling; first they would emulate Sweden, then Iceland, then Ireland, and now it’s Norway (shut up about the EU); first they couldn’t wait to have their own state broadcaster, now they’re sucking up to the BBC; first they opposed NATO membership, now Salmond – and, it would appear, Salmond alone – wants to join (with his Hawk trainers and rowing-boat navy); claims by their opponents that there would be passport controls at Gretna were once rubbished, but are now a proud boast of the party (on “security” grounds, of course).

    But none of it really matters, ‘cos the “Yes” campaign will lose. Support for “independence” has rarely topped 33%. For all that the ’97 referendum was suspicious (with Fife returning more votes than there were people on the electoral roll), and turnout was low, the Parliament enjoyed cross-party support with really only the Tories against. This, though, is entirely the Nats’ show.

    The party is obsessed with giving 16 and 17 year-olds a vote in the referendum, on the grounds, presumably, that they don’t know any better. But it turns out that they do: support is actually lower in that age group than in the population at large. I think it’s a sign of desperation that all the talk over the last few months has been of all that “free” stuff, rather than what, structurally, would be better in an “independent” Scotland (something I’ve never been able to fathom myself; I still don’t see the point of the Parliament). And what’s more, I think it’s being seen as that. Amazingly, for an electorate well used to voting itself rich, people are beginning to ask themselves who’s going to pay for it all.

    RR: Nothing makes Salmond look more stupid and naïve than his blind faith in the EU’s promises.

  4. Stuart says:

    The thing about Scottish Independence and how its talked about is that the nats don’t apparently believe the British government isn’t run by total cunts who haven’t spent the last 700 years perfecting the art of fucking over smaller country’s. lets just say it comes to the day after referendum day, and lo and behold it turns out that 51% of Scotsmen did vote for independence (Remembering the polling i have seen that would be Aberdeenshire, Angus, the highlands, the western isles and Glasgow) and the parts that didn’t vote for Independence (Edinburgh, the borders, Orkney and the Shetland isles) they think the British government is going to allow them to just wander off with the bits that wanted to remain in the union? Bollocks they will. Scotland will be split up into 2 if not 3 pieces (maybe giving Orkney and Shetland (the bits with the oil) status smiler to the channel isles, just out of spite, and northern Ireland the rest of it.

    Its not even the case that its necessarily an unfair or unreasonable thing for the UK government or the people in those parts of Scotland to want or do, its more the fact from what i can tell and the nationalists i have talked to don’t appear to realize that that’s exactly the kind of thing our government will do.

  5. RAB says:

    The Nationalist Scots are romantic fantasists who have mythologised their history and blame all their woes on the English, when in truth most of their troubles have been self inflicted, Highland Scots forever fighting with the Lowland Scots, and Scotland retained feudalism via the Clan system long after England had given it up.

    The latest fantasy from big Alex is that every household in Scotland will be £1000 better off under independence. Er… right. Those will be the same households that 9 out of 10 are on some kind of benefit or other would it?

    Then there’s the EU. The Nats assume that they will automatically have membership. Not so, they may very well have to re-apply and join the Euro as the price. Besides Spain and France don’t much like the idea of Scotland getting full independence, it will give the Catalonians and the Basques ideas, same goes for Italy and the Northern League too. Tis a veritable minefield I tells ya!

    Bye the bye, I think Scotland will vote no.

  6. Sam Duncan says:

    Stuart, I don’t buy that break-up stuff for a second (although if separation is ever achieved it’s the logical next step: why stop there?). Certainly that’s what happened to Ireland last century, but there were other factors in play there. The one grain of sense in the whole devolution/independence/“independence” argument is that Scotland is a separate jurisdiction with a distinct legal tradition. There is, and has been throughout the last 300 years, an identifiable legal entity called “Scotland”, quite aside from all the Nats’ romantic nonsense about Ancient Celtic Nations. The state ceased to exist in 1707, but all the legal, and most of the constitutional, structures remained. Breaking those up would be an even bigger can of worms than separating them from the country they’ve grown into over the last three centuries.

    On the other hand, you do have something of a point. When the EU proposes that oil become a Common Resource – as it surely will, within months of “independence”, just as it did for fish six months before the UK’s own accession – what exactly will the rump UK’s incentive be to vote against? None, that I can see. On the contrary: it begins to look like a bloody good idea. I wouldn’t put it past them to propose it.

  7. NickM says:

    Please don’t die! You are utterly indispensable. You are 95% of the time right (that’s my right, OK) and you can write as well as be right. In your last couple of posts you have (patronising I know) really found your voice. It’s spot-on. If it wasn’t for you I’d be arrested at midnight with a spade and a 9V battery in a graveyard in Stratford. Which would be silly because isn’t Willy buried in St Paul’s, London?

    But top stuff RAB! I’d never thought of that but it is true. The last thing the EU wants is a new state produced schismatically and an economic basket case to boot. A sad truth given Scotland’s history of making things.

  8. RAB says:

    Awww shucks Nick, I’m blushing deep red right now!

    I have no intention of dying. Apart from the hearing loss and white noise Tinnitus in my right ear (which is a right pisser for someone who loves music and conversation as much as me) my Doc reckons I’m good for another 30.

    Completely off topic, but just came in from a day out in Clevedon, a Georgian/Victorian genteel resort just down the road from Bristol. Lovely Prom, wonderful Pier, great pub overlooking the Bristol Channel. We could see the Millenium Stadium in Cardiff from there! A day out for my mum, who’s 88 you know!( as she keeps saying) and staying for the weekend. It’s in the genes mate! All my lot get to 90 unless run over by a bus.

  9. Paul Marks says:

    There was a time when Scotland was more free market than England and Wales.

    For example, England and Wales have had a compulsory Poor Rate (tax) since Tudor times (do not tell the BBC they think it was introduced by the “Victorian” measure of the 1834, which actually designed to reduce the Poor Rate).

    But most of Scotland did not have a compulsory Poor Rate till 1845 (it really was Victorian). Also the supposedly ancient “free and compulsory Scottish education system” was actually a system of largely voluntary church controlled schools till 1872.

    However, most Scots know bugger all about their history – no insult meant as that is also true of most people everywhere. And, and here an insult is meant, they think the defining feature of what it is to be Scotish is to believe in “social justice” and general statism.

    That will undermine an “independent” (or rather “independent but under the rule of the European Union”) Scotland – that and thin soil and a short growing season.

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