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Things Nick Finds – Cheshire Edition.

There will be a Paris edition which will be more fun. But I have to post this.

But before the piccie some background. I am a Quaker warden (for my sins) and part of my responsibility is to look after a stream that runs through our grounds. Well that is disputed. A couple of years ago there was hell on over who owned what. Hell on between the Quakers and the Church of England*. Neither of course want it but according to B who is a farmer and knows about such stuff the stream is the boundary which when it floods is agro. Of course me, my wife, B and others of our meeting and the owners of the pub which has a car-park in this fight sort it out. The Church of England does the square root of fucketh all. And, they need a new roof. They have posters round the village. They need GBP200K for the roof. Now a little known fact about me is that I like taking pictures of religious buildings. I have some kick-ass ones of various cathedrals and a few mosques. So when I hear the vicar (who is clearly a woman in comfortable shoes but wouldn’t have a lesbian marriage in her parish – we want that because this is Cheshire and not Iran – the state won’t allow it even though the Quakers want it though).

Anyway, I go round the vicarage (very nice house) and I proffer my services with my Sony Alpha 55. It’s win-win. It’s a pretty church and that is fun for me and hopefully it will help the fund-raise so it’s a win for her. We make a date and time. So I show up with all my kit (inc. a tripod) at the time and date and nowt. So I trudge up home. No good deed escapes punishment does it? I try to phone. I dunno – maybe she had a critically ill parishioner but to no avail. She just said that at the time because it was easy. Same way (see *) she pissed me about over this homeless chap. I am not a Christian. I am a Godless Heathen but I’m better than the CofE at providing a bit of comfort to those who don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of (that’s NYC Jewish BTW). I dropped that camera in the Blue Mosque in Istanbul (it was bollocked but insured to the hilt). No issues there. No imams playing Les buggeurs risible. As an aside in Paris I am allowed to take piccies (they shall follow) in Notre Dame and The Louvre but not in Sacre Coeur or the Musée d’Orsay I is not. In Sacre Coeur (I swear to God) the sign outside says no piccies. OK, disappointing but their gaff, their rules. So I’m wearing the camera round my neck. Of course I am! I’ve been taking pictures of Paris from Montematre but some officious cunt grabs me. I wasn’t going to break the rules and I had even turned the camera off but still I was grabbed – physically grabbed – and told he me to put it in the bag. Utter cunt. He then wanders round going, “Shush!!!” very loudly. Christ almighty! You give some fucker a uniform and minimum wage and you get numpties.

Anyway here is the picture. This is on the boundary.This is pagan fucking idolatry.


Really.This is a soft toy attached to a fence by barbed wire. It is on almost the exact boundary between us and the CofE.

*I fucking hate our CofE vicar. She cast nasturtiums against me for feeding a homeless man. Every Sunday morning I buy milk – and that means seeing the stream up to our gaff and the trickle up to St Mary’s.

So fuck off. I am more a Christian than those fuckers and I ain’t even a believer. Neither are they


  1. Rob Fisher says:

    I got told to put my camera in my bag at some crappy museum once. That’s really offensive. That’s saying we assume you intend to break the rules.

    I got made to fill in a form at a National Trust place once, too.when the car park attendant saw my Nikon D90. They don’t make tourists with compacts fill in forms. And it’s not even a pro camera.

  2. RAB says:

    The main question is… Who hung the voodoo doll on the post?

    We were in Majorca a few years ago and went to see the caves, the name of which eludes for the mo. Fair enough they are quite spectacular with a large lake in them. You get a boatride on the lake and a bit of a classical music concert thrown in too. But the bloody Spaniard curators treat us punters like cattle. And woe betide you if you dare to try to take photos. The sodding bastards shone laser lights at you to ruin the pics or your eyes or both, they didn’t give a fuck! All they wanted us to do was pay extortionate amounts of money for a pack of in house ones. The Spanish male is second only to a Greek one for being an utter cunt, but in a class of their own are the Egyptians, of course.

  3. NickM says:

    I have been to those caves. I have a thing for caves. My inner Gollum? You are right about the Egyptian male. I mean this is a culture that decided that heterosexual sex is better without a clitoris. OK, I know that is largely done by grandmas. I suspect it is a cycle of abuse. They can’t have an orgasm so they’ll be buggered if they are letting the following generations. Nah, sex ought to be a grim ordeal. They are almost Presbyterian on that score. You’d be even more right about the Iraqi male. I met one twice. He made a half-assed pass (involving frilly knickers at my wife (she was my girlf at the time but you know…)) That was in London where he was doing an MBA or something. Now several years later me and my wife are shopping in Longsight, Manchester and who hoves into view? He was now doing another masters, this time at Manchester University. And he had a wife and a couple of kids. At least one of the kids was old enough that he was born before his maladroit attempt to pull my bird. He also went with pros in London. This was arranged by Greeks. A perfect storm of utter misogyny.

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