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One Way or Another…

I was speechless – literally – when I heard of this cultural malfeasance. It was like some scrote had drawn a cock and balls on the “Rokeby Venus” with a magic marker and then sniggered. This is sheer musical vandalism.

The epically crap “boyband” One Direction have “covered” (under the aegis of the deranged and creepy Louis Walsh) the Blondie song, “One Way or Another” (from “Parallel Lines” – the Greatest Album Ever).

But wait there is more! It includes a wankensteinian “mash-up” with “Teenage Kicks” by The Undertones. And just to make Jesus Christ himself vomit choleric stools with inchoate rage it also includes iDave.

They are doing it for “Comic Relief”. God help us! If comics want to help starving Africans then send Dawn French with a cooking pot and a bouquet-garni to the frigging Congo and be done with it! It isn’t just the music it is the sheer patronizing nature of the video. Nothing to do with helping the poor but all about looking good to naive fans. And for the rich to salve the consciences for being rich which is pathetic.

You appreciate it’s a song about stalking?

One way or another I’m gonna getcha, I’ll getcha, I’ll getcha getcha getcha getcha…

… Oh yes! If Ms Harry wants to do that down a back-alley somewhere I shall applaud and if Fergal Sharkey then decides to give those teenagers kicks “All through the night” then I shall be even better pleased!

It has nearly 20,000,000 hits on Youtube. And people seem to really like it. Dear God!

I wonder how many of those have even heard of the originals.

PS – For those fortunate enough not to have heard of these bum-fluffed troubadours the press, which is always reporting on them, call them, “1D” for short. This appeals both to the music lover in me and also to the mathematician.


  1. RAB says:

    Ah that’s better! All is right with the world. Finally a new Nick posting and about Blondie yet ( no I’m not going to mention it this time, promise! ;-) )

    The Commentariat deserve the originals though don’t you think Nick?…

    As for the Undertones, well yes of course I saw them live at Bristol’s Colston Hall…

    Fergal got excited and stripped to the waist, and managed to bring out the Captain Ahab in all of us. They really don’t get much sun in Ireland, do they? :-)

  2. NickM says:

    As I hinted towards the end I’d kinda assumed readers would be familiar with the originals. But yeah, RAB I probably should have.

  3. Stonyground says:

    I try not to get too wound up about shit cover versions, I can always listen to the original and leave the cover to those who don’t know any better. I always thought that the Pet Shop Boys’ version of Always on my Mind was dreadful. There has also been a recent cover of the Heart song Alone which was even worse. In either case I wasn’t particularly in love with the original song, these two examples just seem to stand out as particularly dire.

  4. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    i-Dave, at 2.31 ~ drone Strike, drone Strike, the best hellfire missile you ever sent

  5. Sam Duncan says:

    Gawd. I’m not one to be precious about this kind of thing – although I’d be hard-pushed to name a decent Blondie cover – but I can’t say I’d ever thought of those two as particularly good candidates for a mashup in the first place, let alone by a bunch of Cowell’s clones and the feckin’ Prime Minister (I expect Osborne got him the gig: he’s in One Dimension’s class at school). Just because the originals came out at roughly the same time? Nah, it doesn’t work like that.

  6. Simon Williams says:

    Ah, yes, Grab-a-Granny Styles and his fellow suckers of Satan’s cock. Stepdaughter of course thinks they’re the best “band” that ever existed. I was watching the Brits last week when they got their “global success award” i.e a totally made up award that was basically for shifting 9.1 million units of derivative lukewarm shite, at which point I was up and ranting about how contrived and cynical the whole thing was. My reaction to the “song” was pretty much the same as yours, Nick, that Feargal and Debbie should get together and kick their whiny little arses from here to eternity.

    Simon, ancient rocker and proud of it.

  7. bloke in spain says:

    Years ago got involved with a recording on behalf of a charity supporting victims of a disease common amongst Afros & Afro-Caribbeans. Recording studio in Notting Hill. (I’m doing security FFS! The white man’s burden?) In addition to a sampling of reggae musicians who’d an obvious interest, it attracted the usual suspects keen on getting their faces in the public eye. (One of the highlights of the event was telling a haughty Mick Hucknell “If you want coffee, f**k off & make your own. This ain’t a f**kin’ restaurant”) There was some sort of African connection, so sitting on the roof terrace were two very large & possibly Nigerian gentlemen with a great deal of gold jewelry who seemed to be under the impression that the proceeds would be available to cart off in a large bag. There were also a couple of guys from Labour HQ hovering about because there was a theory Aretha Franklin might grace us with her presence. In which case Kinnochio (yes, I did say it was long ago) would be blue lighted down to contribute his dulcet tones.
    Since then I’ve had a deep & abiding suspicion of charity records.

  8. APL says:

    NickM: “You appreciate it’s a song about stalking?”

    Until this very moment, being the sort who pays little attention to the meaning of pop songs, that hadn’t occurred to me.

    But then in our femocentric society, a woman stalking a man is thought to be unusual but no biggie, on the other hand a man stalking a woman. Quelle horreur!!

    Now I probably wouldn’t have minded being stalked by Blondie, back in the day, on the other hand I am thankfully safe from being stalked by the fat cow that had to be fork lifted out of her bedroom, by virtue of her being too fat to walk.

    Maybe there is a god after all?

  9. APL says:

    “stalked by Blondie, back”

    specifically the Debbie Harry component of.

  10. bloke in spain says:

    @ APL
    Mmmm… Can see why being followed by a bloke calls himself Chris Stein might cause slight apprehension…..

  11. NickM says:

    Do you or your chlidren have a rabbit?

  12. APL says:

    NickM: “Do you or your chlidren have a rabbit?”

    Don’t become emotionally attached to your livestock, eat ‘em or work ‘em.

  13. Elizabeth says:

    Chilll! please 1D is music for 8 year olds, I’m so pleased that they are introducing my 8 year old to some great songs.
    I have no doubt she’ll grow out of them just like she did with those Barbies.

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