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The BBC hits the absymal, and then digs…

I wanted to watch something on at 11pm on MTV and rather than have a conversation or whatever I watched the tail-end of the BBC’s new(ish?) sitcom “The Wight Way” which is an hilarity set in – as far as I can tell – a council Health & Safety department. And it is that funny. Or not. It was five nines not. Folks who know about servers (not that I am casting any nasturtiums) will know what I mean. It were fucking dreadful.

Dear sweet Jesus of Nazareth (and I am not taking Our Lord’s Name in vain because if He had seen that Sodom and Gomorrah would have looked like a small incident with a camping stove there would have been smiting beneath the fifth rib, up the bracket and indeed elsewise – and that from the Prince of Peace). It wasn’t just bad it was chronically septic. It was so far up the pole it was fucking orbital. I’ve known people who enjoyed major abdominal surgery more than that.

It makes “Geordie Shore” sound like fucking Shakespeare. I enjoy rides out to the sticks and perhaps dinner in a pub but that show is a country pleasure I shall not partake of again. I’m a fairly liberal guy but when shit like that is smeared across the Samsung (what did nowt to cause it) I want to fucking well lock and load.

I know a lot of libertarians and conservatives and such and such think the BBC has a bias towards the left and it does but it also expropriates GBP145.50 from all of us to make utter drivel. Oh, and to pay for pedophiles, obviously.

I mainly watch “Watch” and “Dave” so I can see great comedy writing. Where is the pill? And the drug? And which knockwurst contains the painting of the “Fallen Madonna…”. As to the whereabouts of the “Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies”. God knows. The BBC clearly doesn’t anymore. It requires a Pte Helga not so much to tell them to “COME IN!” as “FUCK OFF!” and possibly with Lt Gruber (and his “little tank”).

Anyhow, congrats BBC. In “The Wright Way” you have made “So haunt me!” look like comedic genius. That is genius, that really is. I haven’t seen a faster “race to the bottom” since Manchester hosted Europride. Because I thought you had hit bedrock, BBC, with “My Family” which despite starring Robert Lindsay and Zoë Wanamaker you managed to make utterly dreadful. Though the storming example of the recent shitcom about a British Muslim family that makes “Love thy Neighbour” look like TV downloaded from the future (there is an app for that) runs it close.

I say this because the BBC used to make good stuff Like “‘Allo Allo” or “Only Fools and Horses” and it’s all still on Sky’s Satellite of Love. And dear Gods some BBC executive ought to be waiving his cock in the neighbourbood of Arkright’s till. Or doing “Porridge”. For the crapfests of recent years.

But with “The Wright Way” the BBC utterly breached the turdulence threshold and sent the crap-o-meter to permanent FSD*

Yes, they made “On the Buses” for a new century.

Thanks BBC!

*That happened at Chernobyl. When reactor 4 went totally tits-up (that’s how my nuclear physics lecturer at Nottingham put it – “Now, children, now you know what not to do so don’t do it!”). Of course I would do it because I’m a meddler. I am the ethnically British person The Daily Mail warned you about (not Neil Kinnock – I’m the other one). I have done questionable things. There is a reason I always fancied Ace in Dr Who. Remind me to tell you about it later but the things I’ve blown the fuck out off or burnt down is something else. Never anyone else’s property, mind. Anyway FSD. If a dial is showing FSD it is probable that it is much more. The wonks at Chernobyl didn’t tell Moscow this. I think they were mainly shot. FSD is Mother Nature getting upset**- or instrumentation’s way of telling you it has l gone very badly Pete Tong. Pete Tong? By that point you are technically fucked. At that point it becomes emotional.

**Every scientist knows that she’s the one bitch you really don’t diss. Not. Ever. You tease her, mind.

17 Comments

  1. Mark in Mayenne says:

    SS*FSD = BN

  2. Mr Ed says:

    It baffles me why people in the UK pay a TV licence, as the alternative in the UK of not having a TV and avoiding watching live programmes is, certainly these days, no real hardship, and it saves a small amount of money. The joy of listening to BBC radio bias and/or drivel and then realising that it has cost me nothing is sublime.

    In East Germany, the one area that could not receive West German TV was called ‘The Valley of the Naïve’, as they only had DDR Fernsehenfunken. In the UK, those who receive TV and pay a ‘licence fee’ to watch live TV are the naïfs.

    I caught a few moments of the said programme on iPlayer, written by Ben Elton, it is (1) Drivel (2) Entirely as expected from the BBC.

    If, by some misfortunes too implausible to fear, a series of Grand Slam bombs fell on every main BBC building whilst unoccupied at night, or the TV licence became voluntary, and either way the BBC ceased to broadcast, how long before the stupified populace would react, and what would they do?

  3. Kevin B says:

    To be fair to the Beeb… No, YTF would I bother? Start again.

    While watching a repeat of Lewis* on ITV3 the other week I saw a preview of a brand new sitcom from ITV called Vicious. From the trailer, this appears to be a ‘comedy’ about a couple of theatrical old queens, played by a couple of theatrical old queens. The sole joke in the trailer involved one queen phoning his mother.

    There was also a trailer about another comedy set in, I vaguely recollect, an unemployment office. On the TV Guide website I use, this one had a viewer rating of one. Out of ten. Thus, it is confirmed that ITV do even worse comedies series than BBC.

    *I enjoy the music. Incidently, on one night recently between ITV1 and ITV3 they had episodes of Endeavor, Morse and Lewis – the sort of prequel, main series, sequel sequence I’ve only previously seen involving Star Trek.

  4. Jim says:

    +1 to Mr Ed. Get rid of the TV licence, use iPlayer type sites to watch exactly what you please when you please. Or Youtube for that matter – there’s documentaries aplenty on there. There’s any number of sites where you can watch all the US programmes before they even hit UK shores.

    Ditch the TV licence and free yourself from Guardian TV (aka the BBC). You have nothing to lose and the pure pleasure of not paying for all the usual BBC Lefty sh*te to gain.

  5. Stonyground says:

    Sorry to be OT, but this is one of my favorite blogs and recently, every time that I come here it is broken. I have been able to read this top post and the cartoon, but everything before that is inaccessible. I always feel bad about complaining about something that is provided for free, but this is a great blog yet I am thinking about deleting my bookmark because clicking on it now is nearly always a waste of time.

  6. Bandit 1 says:

    The sitcom is dead. An anachronism. The poor thing should be left to sail on its funeral barge toward the horizon of popular culture in peace.

  7. RAB says:

    Well we certainly don’t want to lose a valued commenter Stony. But as the least techi of the lot of us, I’m at a loss to explain what’s happening your end. The site works fine for me, and I’m not logging in with any secret passwords or anything. Anyone else experiencing the same as Stony?

    What Browser are you using? I have four on offer… Internet Explorer (never used), Safari (downloaded when I almost bought an iPad, also never used) Firefox used for most text (though it is getting cranky for some reason) and Google Chrome for video. I’m getting perfect results from Firefox and Chrome as I speak.

    Let us know what’s happening and hopefully someone who knows more about this shit than I will come along and help with your problem. Don’t touch that dial!

    This has been a consumer service announcement. :-)

  8. RAB says:

    Anyway back to the business in hand…

    I just watched a bit of The Wright Way and had to turn it off. It’s written by the doyen of Alternative Comedy, one Ben Elton. Well you know what they said about Alternative Comedy the first time round? They missed out the word “To”. It is inexerable shite of the first water. Christ, Jim Davidson smashed out of his mind and face down in his Pizza (a familar sight round these parts back in the 80′s) was funnier than this… snoring.

    And Kevin B is absolutely right, the commercial channels are no better. I watched both the opening episodes of Vicious and The Job Lot. Vicious out of courtesy to two of our most famous actors and raging old queens. Why they took the gig I will never know. It is as career and reputation destroying as the Royal Bodyguard was for David Jason. It’s like a gay version of Rising Damp but without the jokes (it even has Francis De La Tour in it too, as a preditory fag hag well past her sell by date) all lusting over their new neighbour, who is obviously hetro (or is he? Nudge nudge who fuckin cares!) .Bitchy pointless callous and crass.

    The Job Lot is slightly better, but only slightly. There are characters in there that you know you can believe in and exist. The nasty little shit of a woman that will shut down your claim to tick her boxes in a moment, or string you along till closing time only to discover you’ve been filling in the wrong form, and will have to come back tomorrow. The Bureaucratic Iron Maiden control freak. But threaten her or even slightly criticise, and she calls in the Union. We’ve all met her in our time haven’t we?

    Like I said better but only slightly. You’re right Bandit 1, sitcom is dead. Life is just too surreal to make fun of anymore. We will not see the likes of Galton & Simpson, Johnny Speight or John Sullivan again.

  9. john b says:

    Haven’t seen it, won’t, am sure it’s completely shit. But a bit confused by the “lefty” accusations. Ben Elton’s been right-leaning for at least a decade now, and surely the whole point of the programme is to mock the Elf & Safety types, Richard Littlejohn-style?

    Also worth bearing in mind that for every Allo Allo or Only Fools & Horses there was a Terry & June and a Hi-de-Hi. Just like most songs in the charts in the 1960s and 1970s were absolute dreck; just we only remember, repeat and listen to the good stuff.

  10. PeterT says:

    These internet TV options are all very well, the issue I find is that you can’t find a big enough computer monitor (think 50 inches). And even some of the monitors can show TV (some extra chip or whatever) so owning one would require you to get a TV licence.

  11. Bill says:

    Pale Moon
    Stripped down Firefox
    http://www.palemoon.org/download-ng.shtml
    Most excellent.

  12. Bill says:

    Peter T
    Crapita/TVL/BBC terms state something along the lines of “a licence is required to watch a free to air television signal on … and it then goes on to list a range of devices Crapita/TVL/BBC claim are devices capable of receiving AND displaying a free to air TV signal.

    So ‘the offence’ committed is watching the signal when it is turned into sound and moving images according to Crapita/TVL/BBC except it isn’t. There is no offence committed until you admit an offence has been committed and you are daft enough to identify yourself.
    They cannot prove you are doing anything because they are SALESMEN and SALESWOMEN who get paid a commission for harassing people.

  13. Stonyground says:

    I am using internet explorer both at home and at work. I can currently access the top post, the Matt catoon and a heading about taking the red pill that has nothing else beneath it. I can click on the red pill heading but all I get is the heading and a blank page. I can’t get any older posts. I would try a different browser but my wife is the computer literate one in our house and I screw something up I’ll be in trouble, even more so if I do so at work.

    I can’t really comment on this post as I hardly ever watch TV any more. Nowadays I prefer to browse the internet, garden and read books.

  14. Sam Duncan says:

    The server is notoriously tempremental, Stony, but I think in this case it must be at your end. It’s working (uncharacteristically) perfectly here, on browsers only their authors have ever heard of.

    Weird that it’s only happening for CCIZ, though. Timeouts, maybe. The server can be slow. In fact, the more I think about it, the more sense that makes. Something in the internet bucket-chain between you and Australia might be getting bored and giving up before it’s got the whole page.

    Try this link and see if that works. It’ll be very slow (you’re using a proxy to fetch the pages, in France by the look of it) so I wouldn’t recommend it for everyday browsing. But the results will be interesting.

    (‘Course, you might not even see this…)

  15. RAB says:

    Sorry Sam, when I click on your link I get a blank space with the word BACK in a box at the top. Bill’s link links and may be the business for all I know, but I don’t think you can go far wrong downloading the latest versions of Firefox and Chrome Stonyground. Believe me I am an idiot at this computer malarkey and even I managed it. They won’t hurt your machine, honest. Most people who know about such things, think that Internet Explorer is pants.

    Ahem… Sloopy john b… Gotcha! The word Left or even Lefty did not occur in my comment above. And I’m sure Ben would not thank you for implying that he’s become a born again Mrs Thatch fan. Even though he owes his early success entirely to her. I am happiest when folks read what I have actually written and appreciate it. I don’t need people reading in something that has not actually been said. :-)

  16. APL says:

    Mr Ed: “It baffles me why people in the UK pay a TV licence ..”

    Despite instructions to the contrary, the wife does every bloody year.

  17. Sam Duncan says:

    You’re right, RAB. Trust me to pick a proxy that doesn’t let you link to its results. The idea still holds water though, but yeah, if something’s wrong on teh interwebs, nine times out of ten the culprit is IE. Probably best to eliminate that variable first.

    I suppose I should say something about the actual post, but after the Sunday Telegraph’s critic laid into TWW in no uncertain terms, I avoided it. Which I’d probably have done anyway what with it being on the BBC; F1 and Round Britain Quiz, that’s it for the Beeb as far as I’m concerned these days.

    Anyway, how much rubbish does Ben Elton have to come out with before we all agree that Blackadder was the exception, not the rule?

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