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I puked all night.

X Factor

I saw that on Sunday and was nearly shocked.

I knew it was a pile of fetid baboon livers but it’s now so far beyond the pale it ought to have kicked the bucket (though apparently ratings are up!).

Amongst the travesties were a deranged Anglo-Jamaican woman who dressed like the Pyongyang Poundland’s Lady Gaga after a night on absinthe, sang like a cat spay-a-thon and murdered a sort of Bob Marley medley. No woman, I cried. Fuck me! She got through. I assume they are keeping her for comedy value. See below.

There was also a fat bloke from Nottingham. He could sing OK but was halted before he could finish by Gary Barlow raising his arm like a Caesar. The rest of the panel left him with nowt but his eyes to weep with – which he did. Poor sod.

There were also two sets of three lads doing harmonies (and possibly “doing” a clearly “tenting” Louis Walsh who is not only so far off his fucking rocker so as to be only an acorn from the Yewtree Memorial Laughing Academy).

They were clearly the ringers.

Then there was a lass who belted out “I Drove All Night” in the club-singer fashion. Barlow again raised the Hand of Doom and asked her to sing something “more contemporary” which she did seamlessly. The “old” tune being there only to add to the “dramatic tension”. She went through, obviously.

But everyone involved referred to the song as a Sealion Dion number (a North Atlantic mammal who swam all night to try to save the wreck of the Titanic)*.

And I mean everyone. This is the real history of the song…

“I Drove All Night” is a song written by Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly and made famous by Cyndi Lauper. The song was originally written for Roy Orbison, who recorded it in 1987, but his rendition was not released until 1992, after the song had become a top 10 hit on both sides of the Atlantic for Cyndi Lauper in 1989. The song has been covered by Pinmonkey (2002), Celine Dion (2003), and The Protomen (2012).

Yeah, that’s a “Celine Dion” song, OK.

Need I add that there were baying mobs? Anyway, I like that song and for those interested this is Roy Orbison’s version and this is Cyndi Lauper’s. This is Celine Dion’s.

I neither know nor care about the version banged out by the bloody Butlin’s singer.

Make your own mind up. But to call it a “Celine Dion Song” is taking more piss than a tannery.

And I have seen the endless skies of America with a lover in one (Honda) Accord. We once drove all night – until we got to a Subway, and a Motel. Then we stopped and dear reader… Ate sandwiches in nowhere Alabama, watched “Grease II” on cable and…

Well, we were glad to get out of New Orleans is all.

*A terrible film only mitigated by Leonardo DiCaprio slipping into the inky Abyss in a scene one would need a heart of stone not to laugh at.


  1. Lynne says:

    I am totally shocked, Nick. Not because you have discovered an industrial strength emetic but because you polluted your eyes, ears and little grey cells by watching that shite. The only cure is to wind back time to before the event and so alleviate the suffering by stealing your remote control.

    Is there a Doctor in the house?

  2. NickM says:

    I was with my Mum and we were both there giving it the full broadside. And it is worth it.

  3. wh00ps says:

    Shhh! don’t break the kayfabe (wrestling jargon)!
    You can always tell the Ines they plan to push (also wrestling jargon) all the way through because they get the sympathetic vignette before they sing.
    Actually, as a pro wrestling fan a lot of the tricks they use on the X Factor are very apparent. The difference being, pro wrestling doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what it is (performance art) and prefers to extract its revenue through merchandising and other voluntary means rather than through subterfuge and deception.
    But to smarks like me, the X Factor is quite interesting intellectually as an exercise in looking for the tricks and techniques used to elicit the correct opinion of the acts from the voting public.

  4. NickM says:

    Exactly. It is a profound example of manipulation. If Joe Goebbels was still with us he’d be taking notes.

  5. mactheknife says:

    “…only mitigated by Leonardo DiCaprio slipping into the inky Abyss…”

    To be fair, it was worth waiting for; even through ninety minutes of Panto on Sea…

  6. NickM says:

    Was it fuck mac! OK, Winslet gets her tits out but I think that is some sort of legal obligation in much the same way her rough contemporary McGregor always gets the cock out. Nice tits but you know… like whatever.

    And was it 90 minutes? It felt like a lot more to me. Epic wank.

  7. mactheknife says:

    Hm. I’m worried that you’re succumbing to the instant gratification culture Nick. You see, knowing that DiCaprio was fated to cark it enabled me to enter a state of zen-like calm, tinted with a rosy glow of anticipation.

    Now, I admit that Cameron missed two key tricks. The first of course is obvious, the great glassy eye of the giant squid rising through the depths; and dragging DiCaprio, screaming to a hideous death – bits of him surfacing for the next twenty minutes.

    Bill Paxton seeing ‘Rose’ drop the sapphire into the sea and hoiking her over the fantail with a scream of ‘How d’you like them fuckin’ apples Grandma?’.

    Both of those additions would, I feel have yielded a more rounded cinematic experience…

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