I saw that on Sunday and was nearly shocked.
I knew it was a pile of fetid baboon livers but it’s now so far beyond the pale it ought to have kicked the bucket (though apparently ratings are up!).
Amongst the travesties were a deranged Anglo-Jamaican woman who dressed like the Pyongyang Poundland’s Lady Gaga after a night on absinthe, sang like a cat spay-a-thon and murdered a sort of Bob Marley medley. No woman, I cried. Fuck me! She got through. I assume they are keeping her for comedy value. See below.
There was also a fat bloke from Nottingham. He could sing OK but was halted before he could finish by Gary Barlow raising his arm like a Caesar. The rest of the panel left him with nowt but his eyes to weep with – which he did. Poor sod.
There were also two sets of three lads doing harmonies (and possibly “doing” a clearly “tenting” Louis Walsh who is not only so far off his fucking rocker so as to be only an acorn from the Yewtree Memorial Laughing Academy).
They were clearly the ringers.
Then there was a lass who belted out “I Drove All Night” in the club-singer fashion. Barlow again raised the Hand of Doom and asked her to sing something “more contemporary” which she did seamlessly. The “old” tune being there only to add to the “dramatic tension”. She went through, obviously.
But everyone involved referred to the song as a Sealion Dion number (a North Atlantic mammal who swam all night to try to save the wreck of the Titanic)*.
And I mean everyone. This is the real history of the song…
“I Drove All Night” is a song written by Billy Steinberg and Tom Kelly and made famous by Cyndi Lauper. The song was originally written for Roy Orbison, who recorded it in 1987, but his rendition was not released until 1992, after the song had become a top 10 hit on both sides of the Atlantic for Cyndi Lauper in 1989. The song has been covered by Pinmonkey (2002), Celine Dion (2003), and The Protomen (2012).
Yeah, that’s a “Celine Dion” song, OK.
I neither know nor care about the version banged out by the bloody Butlin’s singer.
Make your own mind up. But to call it a “Celine Dion Song” is taking more piss than a tannery.
And I have seen the endless skies of America with a lover in one (Honda) Accord. We once drove all night – until we got to a Subway, and a Motel. Then we stopped and dear reader… Ate sandwiches in nowhere Alabama, watched “Grease II” on cable and…
Well, we were glad to get out of New Orleans is all.
*A terrible film only mitigated by Leonardo DiCaprio slipping into the inky Abyss in a scene one would need a heart of stone not to laugh at.