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Nick Clegg has a plan…

When I first heard that the Lib-Dem “flag-ship” proposal (to distance themselves from the Tories) was a 5p levy (to go to like charidee) on placky bags I almost wet myself with mirth. God knows what William Gladstone would think. The Mash as ever has it spot-on.

PLASTIC bags are to be printed with lurid sexual imagery in a bid to discourage their use. Tesco bags will carry an image of a dwarf having sex with a trumpet, while Sainsbury’s carriers will feature a manga-style orgy involving sexy animals.

A government spokesman said: “A detailed design showing a woodland creature getting wanked off will do much more to reduce plastic consumption than a paltry 5p charge.

“Shoppers will stop and think ‘do I really need this bag enough that I am prepared to walk through town carrying a picture of a squirrel with a massive erection?’”

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “It’s a good idea in principle but yesterday I forgot my ‘bag for life’ at Morrison’s so the checkout girl gave me carriers showing male bikers stroking each other’s bits.

“Now my children want leather jackets for Christmas.”

The spokesman added: “We’ve made an exception with Waitrose bags. Waitrose shoppers will simply be offered Lidl bags, or nothing at all.”

Shopper Roy Hobbs said: “It’s great to see the government taking positive action. I care about the planet so I’ve got a rustic hessian satchel in which to place all my plastic-packaged shopping.”

Absolute fucking genius. And, yes, for once, I quoted the whole thing. Nothing else would do. Charge me 5p.

14 Comments

  1. Sam Duncan says:

    Who the bloody hell does Nick Clegg think he is to “discourage” us all from using plastic bags anyway? Since reading about this insanity I’ve learnt that the Salmond gang has already decreed that we Jocks are to be saddled with it next year anyway whether we like it or not. So I have a Plan. I’m going to buy a quid’s worth of bags every time I visit Morrison’s and leave the 15 or 16 I don’t use at the door for the convenience of my fellow shoppers. I encourage other public-spirited citizens to do the same. How dare these tax parasites tell us that we’re not allowed to give other people gifts.

  2. Ian Hills says:

    Drive a tank into your supermarket so you can stock up for a whole year.

  3. Lynne says:

    I think that all ministerial cars should have pictures of naked and grossly fat politicians (past and present) sprayed all over them. I bagsy Prezza shagging a Harman shaped pie for Cleggy’s chariot.

  4. Mark says:

    The Mash is seriously good satire

  5. RAB says:

    Wales already has the charge… The Assssembleee has spoken!

    Top notch stuff from the Mash indeed. And the Waitrose crowd being given Lidl bags is genius!

  6. Paul Marks says:

    A good satire – but nothing can be as weird as Mr Clegg’s actual policies.

    For example, free government meals for the children of millionaires.

    All to be funded by the taxpayers.

    Still as long as we just use the same bag for food again and again (thus spreading germs), we will be able to avoid at least one of his new taxes.

  7. Simon Williams says:

    And all the shopkeepers I encountered in Wales last year really, really hated it. Most of the smaller shops were donating the 5p to charity.

  8. Mr Ecks says:

    This is a matter on which the large shops could tell the state to fuck off and make it stick. Because they can simply say “No” and refuse the fines and all the rest of the bullshit. Will the polit shit actually be willing to go all the way–cop thugs/SWAT style lunacy–over 5p plastic bags?. In theory Yes–but perhaps not. And successfully defying them over this nonsense opens the door to them having NO stuck down their throats many times more in years to come. The fightback has to start somewhere–this could be it.

  9. NickM says:

    Paul,
    Good point on the germs. Hadn’t thought of it! Oddly enough I actually do re-use placky bags. There are loads of things someone with a large garden and a meeting house can use ‘em for. As to the free school meals… Please help me here folks! A couple of weeks back there were some deeply sinister gubbermunt ads about like back to school and back to being fed “properly” and made to do star-jumps and such. Anyone? Deeply sinister.

  10. Julie near Chicago says:

    I am truly shocked at the implication by Mr. Marks that the children of millionaires should be discriminated against by being denied access to the Free Lunch Program. Are not millionaires’ offspring human beings like everyone else (excepting, of course, the millionaires themselves)? For shame! You would purposely, deliberately cause certain children! to be deprived and underprivileged!

    As to the economics of this horrible and perverse criticism, I believe I explained just yesterday the miraculous workings of the Free Market (properly understood, of course: that being the Market in which everything is Free). This will only work if everyone gets all his stuff free, because only then will each person be able to contribute his entire earnings to Cause of Free Everything for All. This, of course, is the ultimate proof that at last we have a truly Classless Society. (You may interpret that cognomen as you wish.)

    Additionally, of COURSE we should all be using re-usable, green, save-the-Earth bags. They will not spread germs if they are, as they should be, laundered after every use. This will have the additional benefit of improving everyone’s upper-arm strength and muscle tone, as it will have to be done using old-fashioned washboards, electricity being somewhat unpredictably supplied by windmills and prohibitively expensive to boot. Also, of course, their use gives the Chinese worker something to do.

  11. Lynne says:

    Oh noes! Some evil Limp Dim has snatched our Julie away and replaced her with a Cleggeron pod clone.

    Or she’s doing a brilliant piss-take of one.

    :D

  12. Paul Marks says:

    Yes Julie I am truly evil. Welfare for everyone (funded by the Galactic Federation) is the only compassionate way.

    As Mr Clegg would say – “it is for the CHILDREN!”.

  13. NickM says:

    Well, fuck the children… Or is that the late Cyril Smith’s job?

  14. Julie near Chicago says:

    I am very glad to see that everyone, especially you three, appreciates the true state of affairs. Paul, despair not. For in this case we love not only the Sin, but even the Sinner. –Er–did I get that right?

    Anyway, I always enjoy letting my hair down, so to speak, which though short does grow like a weed in the rainy season, and speaking Truth. Things, of course, are not always as they seem…. ;)

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