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Magnifying Specs…

I’m in the market for a pair of them magnifying/ illuminating specs for digging inside computers. Any ideas? If it’s avail. on Amazon that’s grand for I have vouchers.

PS. I just bought a new smartphone from Three. They put it in a bag clearly marked “Three” or in Charver “Mug that guy”. It’s a Motorola RAZRi which suits me. Thanks to all the folks who commented. I have often posted on personal consumer choices here and always been astonished and humbled by how good you guys are. Central Manc-land was panda-fucking-monium this after.

I overheard this gem from some geezer in the Carphone Warehouse. He was trying to flog a high-end Sony to an middle-aged couple…

“Well, it’s waterproof so you can take pictures of yourself under the bath water mind that depends on what assets you have to photo”. I just left. They seemed to think it OK. Yup, the possibility to photograph sodden genitals on 4G and upload to facebook and see if anyone “likes”. Magic. That is precisely what this tech was invented for.

About 18 years ago I bought my first PC – a Elonex 386SX clocked at 16Mhz with 4 Meg of RAM and a 120Meg HD. This bugger has (if memory serves) !Gb of working RAM, a 2GHz Intel Atom chip and 5Gb of storage (which is upgradeable by micro SD). The computer cost GBP350 (inc monitor) second hand. The brand new phone cost GBP150. In some bizarre sense I am aware of this progress and it repels me that a salesman might even suggest this wondrous technological advance is great so that a middle-aged man might take sub-aqua pictures of his cock. That and the salesman just sounded a sleazy git.

No matter. The nice lady in the Three shop made no crass sexual comments, was helpful and friendly and I now have more computing power in my top-pocket than a Bond villain had in his volcano. And no I didn’t ask if they’d throw in a Mao suit and a Persian cat. Or the fit birds with up-does, specs, lab coats and clipboards. Ah, well, I guess World domination can wait. I have to clean the bathroom anyway.

Having said all that about my spanky new phone the trip in or out of town on Northern Rail was Asoka. Not for the first time I fare-dodged not through any desire to do but because I simply couldn’t buy a ticket. Having said that I felt Turd World – especially when I entered the bog which was veritably Greek in standards partly because any quantity of junk had been chucked down it because there were no bins. The Dame Judith was… Well, if you’d bottled that Tony Blair would be off the hook over Iraqi WMDs. It smelt like their had been a fucking cholera epidemic localised to one train khazi. It was unbe-fucking-believable. But if Northern Rail can’t be fecked to sell tickets (one wonders what their gubbmunt grunt is?) I can’t be fecked to buy them. Or more to the point I just simply couldn’t. And I had the money on the hip.

Christ almighty! It is dismal. There was no way I could have easily walked-out of the Three store with my phone without paying for it but Northern Rail… Put it this way, which company would you buy shares in?


  1. Flaxen Saxon says:

    I often take photos of my cock whilst playing submarines in the bath: ‘Up Periscope.’

  2. CountingCats says:

    Thank you for sharing that.

    You think we would want to know that because…why?

  3. I’m sure in Essex, the ladies don’t miss out of the opportunity to compare vajazzles via Instagram either…

  4. Flaxen Saxon says:

    Cats: men are wretched creatures but we do love our winkles.

  5. Flaxen Saxon says:

    Bugger, the word is ‘winkals.’ I really need to work on my spelling.

  6. Flaxen Saxon says:

    The point is I suffer from ‘literary Tourette’s,’ But I like it here. I like your posts and I like the posts of NickM. And I don’t want to leave. I’m a tic. Dug in deep. Scratch if you like, but I ain’t going away; unless you block; which you won’t. On occasion I sprout crap, but sometimes I have something important to say. Please bear with me.

  7. NickM says:

    You know in this post I tried to make several points such as for 150 quid I could buy more computing power than NASA had when Neil, Buzz and Mike went on their “holiday” and hold it my hand is one. But nobody playing K-19 (with Harrison Ford) or Hunt for “Red October” (“One ping Vasily”) photographs their penis in the tub. I mean that is impressing nobody and I specifically said this is in the OT case. I was trying to ask for specific info, trying to make a point about tech and how it doesn’t always lead to warp-drives but Mancunians photoing their genitals in the bath which is hardly Captain Kirk is it?

    Did I give enough outrage at the piss-poor sexual innuendo? And it was so sub Sid James it was down with the Titanic. For it totally missed the point. This tech could take us to Barnard’s Star and and not whatever sordid dibblings go in in FS’s bathroom.

    By himself no doubt.

    Anyhoo. Nopbody has answered my specs question.

  8. Flaxen Saxon says:

    NickM: Indeed. Pisses you off mightily, doesn’t it? Mayhap you would like to burn stuff. I like to burn stuff…..

  9. NickM says:

    I once torched a fridge in a back-street in Levenshulme, Manchester. Call, raise or fold.

    I had to remove the kitchen door to get the fucker out. And shifting a fridge freezer on your own is a hell of a job.

    I stuffed it with copies of The Times and defunct aerosols and some “volatile fluids”. It went-up like a bastard and almost burnt a tree down. And perhaps more to the point the council garbologists finally took the utter wreck away. I cannot recall how I got rid of a 20″ TV I once found in a skip (I have found including, but not limited to, a huge collection of Jim Reeves LPs, a scholarly study on the history of accountancy and a book on German history). I think after ascertaining the colour was up the pole I crept out at the dead of night and replaced it in the same skip. Yes, I am a dumpster-diver.

  10. RAB says:

    Gawd! comes to something when computer illiterates like me try to answer the question, doesn’t it? Will this be the sort of thing you are after Nick?…

    And I will be back with my own “Request for help” post later. I hope I get a better response than this! ;-)

  11. Philip Scott Thomas says:

    Nick –

    I’m not sure but what that store clerk was just tuned in to the zeitgeist. I read some years ago that porn has been the prime driver of technology in the Internet Age. It was porn, apparently, that allowed VHS to triumph over the superior Betamax because Sony would not license their format to porn studios. Likewise, it was porn that introduced us to both video streaming and on-line payments. I wish now that I’d saved the link to the article…

    If Louis Theroux is to be believed, the porn industry is currently on its knees (fnarr, fnarr, yes, ok) primarily because amateurs can use their highly-sophisticated phones to do all the same things a porn studio used to do.

  12. Ed P says:

    An Amazon search for “Loupe” came up with suitable items – approx £200 for a headband binocular magnifier. Or you could try the cheaper option of a stick-on lens (as I use), assuming you wear specs.

  13. john b says:

    The common thread between the gbp150 smartphone and the free train ride? Subsidy.

    Three sells you the phone below cost price, so that it can take money off you for calls and data usage, just like any good follower of Mr Gillette’s model.

    And farebox revenue is almost irrelevant to Northern Rail: it’s subsidised to the tune of 41p/mile (whereas the London commuter operators are net contributors to the Treasury). Given the average fare on Northern is only a couple of quid, it’d be cheaper to abolish tickets altogether and let everyone travel for free (or to close it down, obviously, but that’s less politically feasible).

  14. RogerC says:

    I’d held out on upgrading my old phone for years, but recently the menu button started to play up, so it was off to my provider’s website to see what they could offer me.

    I ended up with a mid-range Sony (not the waterproof one, I’m suddenly and inexplicably happy to report) Android device. After marvelling at it for a short while I decided to benchmark it.

    The results show that its Java VM is roughly four times as fast as a Cray-1 supercomputer, according to Wikipedia’s estimates, and it has 125 times more working memory. The first Cray-1 sold for $8.86 million in 1977, weighed over 5 tons and required a 115Kw power supply. It was the most powerful machine in the world at the time. My phone weighs 5 1/2 oz, its price is included in the price of my contract and it runs off a tiny internal battery. It’s not even the most powerful phone in the world, let alone the most powerful computer.

    Each and every one of us can now have the sort of computing power that governments got into bidding wars over in the very recent past, and it fits into your pocket or bag. This verges on the miraculous.

    It’s perhaps not a bad thing that this technology, which has now become ubiquitous, is often used for trivial purposes. Surely that’s the point behind free markets, that things which were once scarce and expensive should find their way into the realm of the commonplace. What’s missing, perhaps, is an appreciation by many of just how much power you can now buy for peanuts, and just what an advance it represents in such a short period of time, most of it done without government help or interference. I only wish a few more people appreciated that.

  15. NickM says:

    Very interesting points RogerC. Much food for thinking. Anyway my RAZRi undoubtedly out performs your Sony which means it pwns a Cray-1. Hell’s teeth. I still can’t play “up periscope”, mind nut then I never take more than on bottle into the shower let alone 5.5 tonnes of electronica.

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