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When Two Twats Go to War.

Apparently Jezza and Piers have been feuding for 13 years.

Battle of the big-heads: Fisticuffs. Hissy fits. For 13 years, Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan have waged a hilariously juvenile feud… and now it’s hit new depths

I would question the use of hilarious here for they are both epic bell-ends. As you can imagine it isn’t Oscar Wilde and James Whistler.

Apparently… Piers Morgan calls Jeremy Clarkson a ‘muscle-depleted Chihuahua’.

Ohh… man-bags at the ready. The only thing that needs to be depleted here is the uranium in the shells from the A-10 used to turn them into force-meat. Or how about this…

Round four: October 2003
The supersonic passenger jet Concorde makes its final scheduled flight for British Airways from New York to London. Among the celebrities onboard are, yes, Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson.

Despite the fact that Clarkson has told other passengers that Morgan ‘is a little ****’ and he’s going to ‘punch his lights out,’ BA put Clarkson in the seat directly in front of Morgan. As Clarkson takes his seat he says, ‘Oh, ******* hell, I’ve got a **** behind me.’

‘And I’ve got one in front of me, too,’ Morgan replies. Further potty-mouthed badinage ensues and Morgan taunts Clarkson: ‘Come on big man, show me what you’ve got.’

Clarkson then tips a glass of water over Morgan, much to the amusement of fellow passengers, including Joan Collins and Jodie Kidd.

Later Clarkson calls Morgan while the latter is chauffeured back from Heathrow. ‘This is all getting very silly. Let’s put it behind us. Please,’ he says. But is the feud put behind them? Not for long.

I have seen such “hilarious” antics before on a flight. It was a budget airline from Prague to Manchester. Some lads in front of me decided to be generally obnoxious and ultimately staged a farting contest in a row just ahead of me and my wife. They were “telt” by the Flight attendants in no uncertain terms to pipe down or there would be a taxi with flashing blue lights to greet them at Ringway. They shut it because they were “proles” so bad behaviour isn’t “hilarious” unlike with “celebs” like Jezz and Piers. The Flight Attendents looked more like nightclub bouncers than “trolly dollies”.

Round five: March 2004
Morgan and Clarkson both attend the British Press Awards. A thoroughly refreshed Clarkson makes his way to the table where Morgan, who has just begun his TV career alongside editing the Daily Mirror, is sitting.

‘Now that you’re in my world of telly, I can tell you you’re ****,’ the Top Gear star remarks.

A heated conversation ensues, in which Morgan sees Frances Clarkson, staring daggers at him from her table. ‘Why does your wife always blame me for everything you do?’ he asks.

Clarkson is outraged. He swings a right hook at Morgan, followed by more blows, hitting Morgan’s temple and forehead.

The following day, Morgan tells reporters: ‘He then tried to headbutt me — missing my nose by about an inch. I think it’s fair to say he was a little inebriated. I’ve frankly taken worse batterings from my three-year-old son.’

Clarkson admits: ‘He’s won really. This is just one in a long line of clashes. We’ll have to kiss and make up.’

And there is much more “antics” between these two.

Apart from the simple fact they fight like girls if you or me had done this we’d have another appointment with the paddy wagon Indeed if you or me had done this we’d be accused in The Mail of “The sort of yobbery that is typical of ‘Broken Britain'” and not of “hilarious” japery.

For the record I used to find Clarkson May and that little fella’s antics amusing but he’s just become a pathetic self-parody of himself who has jumped more sharks than an Orlando water-park does in a season. I mean how many ways can the Top Gear lads wreck a caravan – again. Morgan is though just a total and utterly irredeemably unmitigated cunt of the very first water.

But when two such “characters” go to war you don’t pray for a victory, you pray for a bipartisan dual smiting in the Biblical sense.

And you also wonder at the Mail thinking this light-hearted hi-jinks. I suppose because neither are Rommanians coming over here to get a job in Burger King.

The Daily Mail are deranged gits as well. The great myth of many that immigrants are a “burden” perplexes me but that’s for another post. I’d much rather have a Bulgarian nurse and a Romanian waitress over here than Jezza and Piers. I doubt though Sofia or Bucharest would play swapsies. I wouldn’t.


  1. The Lancastrian Oik says:

    “Top Gear” did indeed morph into “Last Of The Summer Wine” some time ago, but I still prefer Clarkson to that fucking dishonest weasel cock Piers Morgan. If you asked my friends about their feud, everybody would side with Clarkson and take the view that he didn’t hit the cunt anywhere near hard enough.

    Clarkson may indeed be a bit of a bellend, but he’s on the non-PC, anti-mealy-mouthed-Lefty-bullshit side and therefore gets a free pass.

    Next time you see him, give the twat one from me, Jezzer.

  2. Sam Duncan says:

    “he’s on the non-PC, anti-mealy-mouthed-Lefty-bullshit side”

    He’s not really though, is he, Oik? I mean when push comes to shove he’s the BBC’s tame “right-winger”, good for an “outrageous” comment or two but never actually threatening. A sort of white middle-class Uncle Tom de nos jours.

    Having said that, yes, if I was absolutely forced at gunpoint to take sides I’d stand with him, but only because he’s mates with James May and Morgan really is an insufferable wee nyaff. But Nick’s right: two cheeks of the same arse, really.

  3. Flaxen Saxon says:

    A pair of overpaid, over inflated, egotistical wankers. I’d like to burn the both of them, tied to a stake. Perhaps in their final moments they can find concord and redemption. Does anyone really give a fuck about their ‘afeuding?’ The gods may forgive them but common decency and taste will not.

  4. NickM says:

    Flaxen I do give a fuck because we have had some level made ’em significant cultural forces and that means more about us as them. Sam is right about Clarkson being the sop by the BBC to the “right” (who are all of course boorish oafs like Jeezer). It could almost be seen as a “cunning plan” on their behalf to smear the “right” and Jeezer don’t mind because he’s larfing all the way to bank. They have form on this recently because they yanked the repugnant Jim Davidson out of limbo (in the Catholic sense) a few years back and I caught accidentally him on TV doing jokes I heard in the primary schoolyard back in the days when I was swapping Speecy games on tape with my mates. I thought them shite then (just dismally unfunny – not even

  5. Flaxen Saxon says:

    Jim Davidson- is the old bastard still alive. About as funny as a syphilitic chancre. As for the likes of Clarkson and Morgan, you may be right about them being part of the ‘cultural makeup’, but I honestly can’t remember voting for these cunts. That said, I would still like to burn them and let’s throw in old ‘Jimmy boy’ as well. He would make a great centre piece for a bonfire, with that shock of red hair and all. Should burn well, I hear he’s a real fat bastard these days.

  6. NickM says:

    Flaxen but the cultural metacontext is all important. The fact that these pair of goons are spoken about – I am well aware of the irony here) is part of it. A big part of it. It doesn’t matters more than who specifically gets voted for. It defines the culture very deeply. Paul Marks of these parts thinks it is the universities. Nah. It’s this stuff that drives a lot.

    I agree with you on old JD. He is about as amusing as “An audience with Pol Pot hosted by Brucie on ITV1”.

  7. RAB says:

    ” we have at some level made ‘em significant cultural forces and that means more about us as them.”

    Who is this “We” Kimosabi? I have never watched Top Gear in my life.

    As for Davidson, he still lingers like a bad smell here in Bristol. I have met him several times, though he has never met me, as he was pissed out of his mind each and every time.

  8. NickM says:

    Flaxen mentioned voting explicitly. Voting means majorities. So I (and I think this was implicit) meant the metacontextual setting these two tossers are involved in effects us all. It’s cool and frooby (straight up) to rise above it on some higher plane and all that and be all libertarian and stuff but it isn’t seen that way. How many twitter follows do you have? Or me. JC and PM have about 2-3m each. RAB, as you well know, we don’t live in Libertopia yet so yes “popularity” does matter. It changes people’s fundamental assumptions and that matters. It is culturally important and that means politically so as well.

    Short of hunkering down in Chad with a sizable arsenal (and where is the fun in that?) it matters. It matters when JC is portrayed as a sort-of right-wing, vaguely-libertarian because he fired a home-made rocket at a caravan. It matters that he is, rightly, portrayed as “our” voice. It natters that PM even breathed his first breath. It matters if you care. It matters if you are prepared to let some paint a privatised BT (or the rest) be seen as genuine free enterprise. It matters if you look into HS2 or the F-35. It matters if you don’t like the taste of pork but keep on being told this is genuine capitalism and that therefore capitalism is evil. Those projects are evil but they are cronyism.

    Why should the British tax-payer be on the hook for GBP50-75bn+ for a railway despite rail “privatisation”?

    Why should BT decades after “privatisation” still own the local-loop?

    Why should the JSF go ahead? That’s likely a USD1.5tn hit. There are reasons (mainly not good ones) but he’s a hint to the biggy. Work is distributed across 46 states in the USA alone. And we’re 15% in the hole for this utter pig in knickers.

    That is why. Big companies and big government have merged. Look at Freddie, Fanny, BAE Systems, Lockheed-Martin, BT, RBS and all the rest.

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