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Obama’s Affordable Golf Ball Act

Thanks to the site “The People’s Cube,” we have this leaked conversation. One of the commenters (and the comments should definitely not be missed: one of them even has a photo of the Miss-us jivin’; and there’s one of a Bill Clinton that cannot be described in a forum published from the family-friendly state of Zanzibar) — one of the commenters goes so far as to state it’s satire, but I dunno — it sounds true-to-Obama. See what you think.

–J.

Obama’s Affordable Golf Ball Act

Red Square
2/28/2014, 1:36 am

This leaked phone conversation is beginning to circulate the Gulagosphere in the forms of emails and blog posts. We can’t imagine it can really damage the president’s progressive policy of GolfCare or his ratings – the voters just won’t care, like they didn’t care about the president’s similarly progressive policy of ObamaCare.

It did not matter what the opponents said or wrote about it, or what cartoons and Photoshopped pictures they posted on their websites that only the opponents read. Their attacks made the voters want to protect their beloved president even more desperately. That said, the Party members still need to be aware of this leak and prepare for rebuttals and refutations accordingly.

* * *

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to ObamaGolf. My name is Trina. How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Golfsmith stating that my Pro V1 order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it. I tried your web site, but it seems like it is not working. So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the web site. It should be fixed by the end of 2014. But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered some Pro V1 balls.

(Receptionist) Sir, Pro V1′s do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with a choice of Pinnacle, TopFlite , or Callaway Blue.

(Customer) But I have played Pro V1 for years.

(Receptionist) The government has determined that Pro V1s are no longer acceptable, so we have instructed Titleist to stop making them. TopFlites are better, sir, I am sure you will love them.

(Customer) But I like the Pro V1. Why are TopFlites better?

(Receptionist) That is all spelled out in the 2700 page “Affordable Golf Ball Act” passed by Congress.

(Customer) Well, how much are these TopFlites ?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package?

(Customer) What’s the difference?

(Receptionist) 12, 24, 36 or 48 balls.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay; how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends, sir; what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government Golf Ball subsidy; then I can determine how much your out-of-pocket cost will be. But if your income is below the poverty level, you might qualify for a subsidy. In that case, I can refer you to our BallAid department.

(Customer) BallAid ?

(Receptionist) Yes, golf balls are a right, everyone has a right to golf balls. So, if you can’t afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa…..I don’t remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding golf balls as a right.

(Receptionist) There’s no explicit mention of golf balls in the Constitution, but President Obama is a former constitutional scholar and he believes it would have been included if the Constitution had not been drafted by a bunch of slave-owning white men. The Democrats in the Congress and the Supreme Court agree with the President that golf balls are now a right guaranteed by the Constitution.

Customer) I don’t believe this…

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land sir. Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it, I think I will forgo the balls this year.

(Receptionist) In that case, sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your ‘non-participation’ cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT? You can’t charge me for NOT buying golf balls.

(Receptionist) It’s the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court. It’s $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income…..

(Customer)(interrupting) This is ridiculous, I’ll pay the $49.50.

(Receptionist) Sir, it is the $49.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME? What a rip-off!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal. Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I’m going to call my Congressman to find out what’s going on here. This is ridiculous. I’m not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that’s why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone you are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING?

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS, sir. Thanks for calling ObamaGolf , have a nice day…and God Bless the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

_____________________
Golf visor tip to Beth Colvin

14 Comments

  1. Roue le Jour says:

    Gee, thanks for pointing me at the peoples cube, Julie. I wasn’t doing anything else this morning anyway… ;)

  2. Julie near Chicago says:

    Then I am happy to bring some excitement into an otherwise boring day.

    It had the same effect on me…. LOL

    I must ask you to be more careful with your language, however, RlJ. The SpamBot notified me that I needed to approve your obviously seditious, salacious, or otherwise socially unacceptable comment. I will un-approve as soon as I figure out what’s wrong with it. Or go to bed. whichever comes last. ;)

  3. Paul Marks says:

    Obamacare is actually designed to fail.

    Why should the left create a new government entitlement program that is actually DESIGNED to explode costs?

    Because they intend to blame the insurance companies (and some of them were wicked fools – who actually supported Obamacare thinking it would force people to buy insurance from the companies, not understanding that the destruction of their – and collapse the whole thing into a government “single payer” system.

    Obamacare is designed to complete the process (started by other government interventions over decades) of making it too expensive for individuals or EMPLOYERS to provide health cover.

    Then government will take over completely.

    Establishment “we can make government work – we can fix this” Republicans will be of no use in this matter (if they are of use in any matter).

    Only people who understand the process and fundamentally oppose it, will be of any use.

  4. Roue le Jour says:

    Julie, yes, I noticed I got moderated. I spent some time trying to find hidden meanings. The best I could do was ‘anything else’, as in barbers/hotel porters, “Will there be anything else, sir?”

  5. Julie near Chicago says:

    Well, RlJ, if you figure out a good reason why I should delete you, please let me know. After all, if Harold Ross, former editor of The New Yorker, figured a day when he didn’t reject was a day wasted*, I don’t see why I can’t Live to Delete. :>)))

    *According to New Yorker, writer James Thurber, of Walter Mitty fame, in his inimitably humorous–and interesting–book on the editor, The Years with Ross. He wrote that he never had a lunch with Ross that didn’t with Ross’s statement that “I must get back to the office and reject.”

  6. Julie near Chicago says:

    The heck of it is, Paul, with all these waivers and putting full enforcement off until after the elections, people will forget how incensed they are over the whole deal and go on to other things that seem more important or urgent. So momentum to scuttle the thing in entirety will be lost, and the usual inertia will prevail. Randy Barnett says important ground was gained in the Roberts decision in that the Court has said “this far and no farther” in the applicability of the Commerce Clause; but I think that’s whistling in the dark. Those people, and I include the Men in Black, had NO RIGHT to decide that The Gov has the right to order (“mandate” !!!) people — individuals — what they must do.

    [Although in fairness, I have since heard some complaints from Prof. Barnett. He knows it's wrong, he's just trying to make lemonade. And the point itself may be right, but then again the Supremes do what they take it into their heads to do...sometimes they uphold the principles of prior decisions and sometimes they don't (and shouldn't).]

    And, what happened to the “severability” issue? To a man the legal pundits asserted that the law was written so as not to be severable, that is, if any single provision of it were found unConstitutional, the whole thing would necessarily be yesterday’s fishwrap. Yet here we are….

  7. Julie the dumbness of some people who should have known better has been astonishing – for example the insurance company and drug company people who supported Obamacare (telling their shareholders that it would force people to buy their products – and, thus, be good for the bottom line).

    Anyone who examined what was actually being done would work out that the insurance companies and drug companies would end up getting CRUSHED by the consequences of the “Affordable Healthcare Act”. Sure there would be subsidies and so on – but the whole idea was to collapse-the-system (including the insurance companies and the drug companies).

    So are these big companies run by morons? Or are they really run by “educated” people – people who bought the “health care is a right” stuff (like the Bush daughters) and used the “well the company will benefit from this because of …….” to defend their “Progressive” position against the complaints of “reactionary” shareholders?

    Of course today most shares are owned (because of tax law) by institutions (not individuals) and the financial institutions are also in the hands of “educated” people.

    On healthcare the only positive thing is as follows….

    It is still not illegal (at least not in some States) to PAY THE DOCTOR DIRECTLY – not just when you have a health problem but IN ADVANCE.

    To go to a medical practice and say “I will pay you X Dollars a month (for ever) so that when I am ill you will treat me – and cover the costs of referring me to specialists I need be”.

    If a medical practice says “no” to such an arrangement (demanding the pay-for-each-bit-of-treatment model) – then go to one who that does not say no.

  8. Julie – on the Supreme Court stuff.

    I got into arguments with a lot of good people who said “Chief Justice Roberts is playing a long game, he is really limiting government by …….”

    My own view is that this is all B.S. – that Chief Justice Roberts is doing what the Supremes have traditionally done when faced with the duty limit the growth of government.

    FAIL.

    Be a coward -as they so often are.

    “Commerce Clause”.

    “General Welfare spending power”.

    Both of these things are based on a FUNDEMENTAL misreading of the Constitution of the United States

    “regulate interstate commerce” is about ensuring free trade between the States (stop barriers ate State borders) NOT ordering people about in their ordinary lives.

    As for the “General Welfare spending power” (the real basis of Robert’s “Obamacare is a tax” tap dance) IT DOES NOT EXIST.

    There is no “General Welfare spending power”. Such a power would make the Constitution (for example the specific listing of spending powers of the Congress and the Tenth Amendment limiting the Congress to those spending powers). meaningless – literally the Constitution might as well say “the Congress can spend as much it likes on anything it likes” if there is such a thing as a “General Welfare spending power”. A totally unlimited Federal government – no State would have joined such a Union.

    The actual words (from Article One, Section Eight) are “the common defence and general welfare” and they are the PURPOSE of the specific spending powers then listed.

    I know you know all this Julie.

    My point is that (unless he is utterly ignorant – never even having read the Constitution) then ROBERTS KNOWS IT ALSO.

    So the entire “General Welfare spending power” jurisprudence of the last hundred years and more is a PACK OF LIES.

    That is the “Supreme Court”.

  9. By the way…..

    On “Obamacare is a tax” – well then the “Affordable Healthcare Act” should have started in the HOUSE not the SENATE.

    All “taxes” are supposed to start in the House.

    Now when (and if) this case finally reaches the Supreme Court will they strike down Obamacare?

    Of course not.

    Roberts will just do another tap dance (if he consents to hear the case at all).

    I am sometimes of accused of treating people like vermin.

    If I do – it is because the people I “treat like vermin” act like vermin.

  10. Another Anne says:

    Julie, point of information: it wasn’t Ross who said that, it was a junior editor at the New Yorker whom Ross later fired (the same one who used the nickname ‘Foolish’ for Alexander Woollcott), and whose name I can’t remember because I can’t find my copy of The Years With Ross right now. Ross was always happy to discover good new authors.

  11. Julie near Chicago says:

    Hi, Anne! Woollcott, in his “fur coat and tippet,” who “said he was best writer in the world, but had nothing to say.”

    You’re quite right about Ross’s being glad to discover new writers. And my memory being what it isnt’ any longer, perhaps you’re right that I’ve misattributed, although I’ve been telling it my way for a hundred years. Anyway, both my copies are at home, where I am not, so I can’t refresh my memory either.

    It’s wonderful finding another Ross-Thurber enthusiast (I assume I do not presume too much). I’ve read and re-read that book enough that I had to get another my copy a few years ago. :)

  12. Another Anne says:

    I was brought up reading Thurber. I remember reading him at primary-school age and thinking, ‘I can tell where the jokes are, but I don’t yet know why they’re jokes. I’ll understand them better when I’m older.’ I could always tell about comic timing.

  13. Julie near Chicago says:

    “Now don’t drive all over town without any gas. It fries the valves or something.” LOL

  14. RAB says:

    I’m a Thurber fan too. I remember reading about the New Yorker days as a young scribe working for Sounds magazine and thinking… bugger! why can’t I get a job on the New Yorker? They seem to let their writers settle in for years on salary before they even produce their first article, and go to lunch with Dorothy Parker! Whereas poor little me has to phone in whatever notes he’s written on the back of an envelope, half pissed, ten minutes after a gig has finished.

    I am a golfer, so a golfing joke for you all…Might even be pertinent in a twisted sort of way.

    Tom, Dick and Harry are on the first tee for their usual Sunday match. As usual you nominate your ball before teeing off so it can be identified later

    Tom said ” Dunlop 65″ and pulled out his driver. Now the first hole is a par four with a big lake in the middle of the fairway. Either you are a confident golfer or you are not, so the choice is to lay up short if you are not, and have a chance of a long iron into the green, then two putts. Or you can blast it over the water and have the luxury of a nice little chip onto the green and a possibility of a birdie. Tom is confident and blasts it over the lake, nicely in the middle of the fairway.

    Dick’s next up, announces… Titleist 3 and pulls out his driver. Yes, he lands the other side of the lake in good position too.

    Last is Harry, and he pulls out his driver too. ” Oh for Christ’s sake Harry! says Tom, You do this every week, and you know you can never clear the water, why don’t you lay up short?

    Ah! because I am playing a Neverlost 4. Watch this! So he puts the ball down and gives it a mighty whack. Sure enough the ball sploshes right into the middle of the lake.

    Bugger it Harry, didn’t we tell you to lay up?

    Harry says… wait a minute… So they wait a minute and amazingly the ball bobs to the surface and starts to gyrate towards the far bank of the lake and rolls up on a piece of mud that you can get a backswing on.

    Bloody hell Harry that’s unbelievable says Dick. Oh it does more than that says Harry. The little gyroscope inside will roll the ball out of short rough back onto the fairway, and if you really have no idea where it is you just clap your hands three times and it starts to give off a bleep which gets louder and louder.

    “Absolutely brilliant Harry” said Tom. I want one of those, where did you get it?

    “I found it in the bunker at the back of the 17th”

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