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Crassology – Dixon style.

Last night I watched the final of “Britain’s got Talent” on ITV. It was primarily a collection of profound tosspottery. But this act stood out (even above the pro-mawk that was teenage rappers “Bars and Melody”. It was “Paddy and Nico”. An elderly British woman being chucked around the stage by her much younger Spanish dancing instructor – “Oh, young man!”. The act itself reminded of a Quote by TS Eliot along the lines of it being fascinating “If you concentrate on the essential horror”.

But that was not the point. Paddy, the geriatric hoofer, had almost missed the final due to some (clearly) minor injury and Alesha Dixon (one of the judges) praised her “courage” and explicitly compared it to the courage of the troops on D-Day. Epic fail.

So, doing a three minute dance routine is equivalent to charging Sword beach with a rifle at a German machine-gun nest? Alesha, get your dictionary out.

I dunno who won. Frankly I was past caring so put the footie on only to see England secure a goal-less draw against those titans of the game – Honduras. Yes, Honduras. When it comes to the real thing Italy are going to murder us and stack the bones in the shower before breakfast.

I did quite a lot of swearing at the telly last night. And yes, there is a literary ref there which I’d be interested if anyone knows. And I mean knows, not Googles.


  1. Mr Ed says:

    ’Honduras’ means ‘the depths’, but Engerlund means ‘the pits’. The utter humiliation of the England football team would be a joy for any true ‘anglo’, the forces of chavism might fade. As it is, the media obsession with football, the affected enjoyment of middle-class arts types for a game dominated by people they go to Tuscany to avoid, is one of the more revolting puzzles of current England. Let the Kulturkrieg begin.

    As it is, the England team could not beat an egg. I await a Schadenfreudefest with eager anticipation.

    And Nick, having no TV sounds better every day.

  2. NickM says:

    Give me a break Mr Ed. How about a middle-class science graduate (me) who genuinely loves footie.

    I like your egg quip, mind. Daniel Sturridge of course couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo and England generally look like they couldn’t score in a monkey whorehouse with a truckload of bananas.

  3. RAB says:

    You watched the Britain’s Got Talent final?? You’re a hero Nick! ;-)

    There was so Fuckless All-less on telly last night, we resorted the boxed set of Game of Thrones.

    As for the footy, so confident are we about the England team, that we haven’t put a deposit on the hotel past the Quarter Finals.

  4. Mr Ed says:

    Nick, ‘middle-class arts types’ does not = you, it was not you I had in mind, but an Islington/BBC type. Think Tony Blair talking about Wor Jackie iygmd.

  5. Mr Ed says:

    And you could always buy some paint and watch it dry instead of TV. Anyway, I should say it is nice to see this blog come back to robust health, thank you all for your contributions, even Shagrat (I forget his moniker).

  6. Julie near Chicago says:

    , Meshach, and Abednego?

    *hyuk hyuk hyuk :) *

    RAB, your Lady would not object if I marry you, would she? Lucy & I can sleep in the spare room. I mean, in this day and age anyone who refers to “the boxed set” instead of “the box set” of books or DVD’s or whatever, well, such a person has won my heart. Unless of course the reference is to an actual set of boxes. Even Amazon has fallen into decadent ways with the language. Maybe it’s different in the UK? Does Tesco label its aisles with signs saying “can fish,” “can vegetables,” “can fruit”? I do hope not. My impulse is to ask, “Can fruit what?” ;)

  7. RAB says:

    The RAB&Ness mansion is still under major renovation at the moment, more scaffolding goes up on Monday, but I’m sure we could find a corner for you somewhere dear lady. My generation was taught Grammar, what more can I say? Who is this Lucy by the way? Bit of an animal? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more? ;-)

  8. John Galt says:

    We’ll have to change your tagline Nick…

    “Watching Britain’s Got Talent…so you don’t have to”.

  9. NickM says:

    How about “Putting food on Ant & Dec’s table so they don’t have to drop their pants for the scraps from Simon’s table”?

  10. Julie near Chicago says:

    Well, we thank you, RAB. Let me put it this way. When Lynne and Ruby come to visit, we can all share the spare room. I hope your floors are soft, though, because Lynne and I will have to make do down there as the Princesses will naturally be sharing the bed. :)

    Poor Lucy. I call her The Luce, and my S-I-L refers to her as “Moose” (!!! She is slender and lovely!) and “Beast.” How horrible. And now you’re saying she’s an “animal.” Wounded, I tell you. Cut to the quick! I don’t know how many biscuits it will take to revive her.

    Speaking of Ladies, please toss Miss Saffie a cyberbiscuit from me.

  11. RogerC says:

    I couldn’t care less about Britain’s Got Talent, but it’s always nice to see someone referencing William Gibson. He can’t write a plot to save his life, but he does have an excellent turn of phrase.

  12. Paul Marks says:

    Nick I can not think of two men more dissimilar than yourself and the Parish Priest of St Mary’s in Kettering (where the new Mayor of Kettering’s Civic Service was held on Sunday afternoon) – yet you have both have said more or less the same thing about this “Britain Has Got Talent” show.

    I suppose some things all cultural boundaries – and seeing the utter stupidity of this show is one of them.

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