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Quote of the Day

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssef, Mouhoud, etc.

Yet he managed to find 12 friends called  Andy, Bart, Jim (two of them), John, Jude, Judas, Matt, Pete, Phil, Simon and Tom….. who all liked getting pissed on wine!

Larry Pickering


  1. John Galt says:

    But that’s because Jesus wasn’t born in Galilee, but Gallowgate.

  2. NickM says:

    What did Jesus drive?

    No one knows but the apostles were apparently once all in one Accord.

  3. NickM says:

    What do you call an honest Iranian businessman – Asif.

  4. John Galt says:

    There is another mention of a car in the Bible, “…and Joshua drove into Jericho in his Triumph”. Doesn’t mention whether is was a Herald or a TR7…

    Did you know that the only breed of dog mentioned in the bible is the greyhound (Proverbs 30:29-31)

  5. Sam Duncan says:

    Oh, man. Did you guys know it was my birthday? I love bad jokes. And good ones. “It’s a’ deid punters wanderin’ aroon’ oot there.” Classic stuff. :)

    But yes, the coming of the Muslims to Palestine is recorded (they were actually welcomed into Jerusalem as followers of Abraham… there was a dumb move if ever there was one). And yet it’s the Jews who are “occupying” the place?

  6. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    As we are doing bad jokes…

    Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi’s gone into hiding and has surrounded himself with forty virgins.
    Well, at least we know he isn’t hiding in Newcastle.

  7. penseiveat says:

    The mention of a greyhound may have something to do with the fact it was a breed of dog much favoured by the ruling classes of the time and when the King James version was printed, to have the King’s favourite breed of dog linked with lions and kings seemed a good way of having their version accepted and published. Apart from that, every word in the Bible is true!

  8. Bunny says:

    Doesn’t everybody know that Jesus Chrysler drives a Dodge, hat tip to the Screaming Blue Messiahs

  9. NickM says:

    I was born in Newcastle. Newcastle is… Well, quite various. But let us talk Tyneside in general. As much as anywhere on Earth we built the modern world. There was a time when a third of the entire World”s ship were built around my gaff. We have two fine Universities, magnificent Georgian architecture (except in the parts those ineffable brace of cunts Poulson and T Dan Smith. demolished and erected a shopping centre of staggering hideousness before thank God they were stopped). But we carry on, us Georgies. I mentioned the Unis because they are absolutely World-Class at biomedical research. I ‘m not even going to mention having been a city for over 900 years, the invention of the lightbulb or the steam turbine. I still recall as a small kid climbing a huge set of steps at the Swan-Hunter yard to get on the deck of HMS Illustrious – one of our recently scrapped carriers. It was on a goodwill tour back to where it had been built. Now Geordies are taking on cancer.

    We also fought the Scots so you didn’t have to. For centuries. Fighty fuckers in Orange fright wigs lead by the ultra-mentalist St Melanie of Gibson took their fighting place. Here is a tale. At one point towards the end of wars the Scots had massed and angled their cannon at St Nicholas Cathedral in Newcastle. Now this has a unique top so us Geordies sent a load of Scots prisoners to that top and said “Bring it!” They didn’t. And England won. And I am English to the core. Any suggestion I am with the jockulent “Fish folk” (aka – Salmond and Sturgeon) would be deeply offensive. We are the border patrol. We chin the thin blue line so yeez lot of shandy drinking shirkers don’t need to.

  10. John Galt says:

    Welcome to the North East, where a spade is a bloody spade!

    P.S. I don’t think this is technically true, given the advertising banner on the left-hand side of the picture, but wtf? hey? “Whey Aye Man – Up the Toon!”

  11. NickM says:

    I do but only attempting to ryhme with “phallus”.

  12. John Galt says:

    “You Do!”

    Oh, Nick Darling – You’ve made me so happy! :-)

  13. Mr Ed says:

    NickM “We have two fine Universities”

    This may be the work of the well-known musicologist Ben Trovato, but when Newcastle Polytechnic (or whatever it was called) was ‘promoted’ to University status in the 1990s, the name ‘Newcastle University’ was taken, but it sought a name to identify itself with its home city, but someone had something whispered into one of their ears when the proposed name for the new institution was the ‘City University of Newcastle-upon-Tyne’.

    A similar fate, I’m told, befell the Cambridge University New Testament Society.

  14. John Galt says:

    …and also my own particular institution…

    I was quite happy to attend Leeds Poly, but the powers that be decreed that it was to be converted into a humaniversity and thus it because “Emu”, sorry I mean “El-Em-You”. :-|

    What a crock of shit.

    There was absolutely nothing wrong with it as a Polytechnic, teaching vocational skills like how to do COBOL programming and write network protocols in M68k Assembly language.

    Bloody middle class pretentiousness if you ask me.


  15. NickM says:

    Which reminds me of my 1st QMech teacher. In a quite odd grafitto in the the George Green Science Library, University of Nottingham, in the Gents (where else?) someone had inscribed the deathless phrase, “I sucked Professor Challis’ dick – now I know why they call him ‘Challis the Phallus’”. Oddly enough Prof Challis was singular in the recognition of the works of the remarkably autodidact George Green and was instrumental in fixing up his windmill in Nottingham. As to whether Laurie Challis ever got blown in the bogs I neither know nor care.

    As to Green’s real (and massive) contributions to math/fizz go to the windmill.

  16. Mr Ed says:

    I was lucky enough to go to a ‘new’ uni to study law after it had been a Poly, just after the wave of new Universities created by John ‘Classless Society’ Major, V.D. (Volunteer Decoration, awarded for shagging Edwina Curry, courage beyond the call of duty, albeit with neither valour nor gallantry).

    Having been an academic member of staff at a nearby University, I was staggered at the new Uni’s relatively shambolic admin (starting from a low base), but it had a good reputation for law as a Poly. However, when I graduated and wanted by certificate to show new employers that I was the genuine article, I was told that I could not have one.

    The reason? They had run out of paper to print degree certificates on.

    Let x = Number of students able to graduate in any given year.

    Let y% = Percentage of certificates likely to be ruined in the printing process.

    For the number of degree certificates needed in any year, take x and add y% of x to x to get number of certificates needed in year, and assuming z% of students able to graduate will fail or die, and you have all the paper you need and some spare to allow for fluctuations in y.

    But no, 3 month wait for a piece of paper.

  17. NickM says:

    COBOL, JG? I guess I was taught Pascal. And also FORTRAN.

  18. Paul Marks says:

    According to the Bible Jesus was born in Judea. There being no “Palestine”.

    As for names such as “Mohammed”.

    Well that is already a very popular name in some Western cities – as they gradually stop being Western.

    “Time marches on”.

  19. Single Acts of Tyranny says:

    Nick, okay, no more Newcastle jokes. Got it.

  20. Lynne at Counting Cats says:

    Can’t make up my mind whether he was baiting true believers or is completely ignorant of the fact that there were no Islam back in the day.

    PS that Newkie Brown ad is the dog’s bollocks. :D

    As for cars JC was apparently a hippie therefore he probably drove a VW camper van. Plenty of room for his mates when they pop down to the local wine bar.

  21. John Galt says:

    COBOL, JG? I guess I was taught Pascal. And also FORTRAN.

    Actually, I already knew the core component of COBOL, having been taught at A-Level by a relatively enlightened ex-SYSTIME analyst/programmer who knew the value of COBOL to the average programmer at the time (1984-1986)

    At Leeds Poly, they set our assignments in COBOL, but we also learned PASCAL (to understand good programming techniques such as type definitions and stuff), M68k Assembly language on Atari’s for communications programming and Prolog for declarative problem solving and artificial intelligence (complete bollocks in my opinion)

    Although COBOL was subsequently derided as being long-winded and turgid, when I entered the IT workforce on an IT placement in 1987, it still made up 80% of all software in the world and formed the basis of my career until I moved into 4GL using UnifAce in 1992.

    I did quite well debugging and recoding COBOL programmes for Y2K (aka the Millenium Bug) problem in major banks during the late 1990′s, by which time COBOL was no longer taught in schools.

    Money’s, money after all. :-)

  22. CountingCats says:

    You were taught Pascal? Really?

    I bought a book and read it in one evening. What more was needed?

    As to COBOL, it supports BCD arithmetic. For that alone it is the only sensible choice for commercial programming. Using C or C++ for anything other than systems programming is an act of lunacy.

  23. John Galt says:

    You were taught Pascal? Really? I bought a book and read it in one evening. What more was needed?

    True, in fairness we were taught structured programming as part of the course and Pascal was the language used to illustrate the examples and in which assignments were set. The only thing I remember about it was having user defined types and lots of brackets.

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