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At 140 Craig is almost certainly the oldest resident of Brooklyn.

He has been on death row sentenced to be chucked in a pan of boiling water at the Halu Japanese Restaurant & Grill.

He has been pardoned and will be released into the mighty Atlantic.

Apparently the utter mentalists of PETA are involved.

But, despite that, fair enough. Let him roam free off the coast of Maine.

I do have two questions though.

1. I don’t eat invertebrates. Who the hell was the first bugger who saw a very large (and pinchy) bug and thought din-dins? I mean I think if I’d been around in caveman days and had “first contact” with said arthropod I’d have hurled a rock at it, ran away and then made a desperately unsuccessful attempt to get inside Raquel Welch’s fur bikini. Which oddly enough would have been more successful if I had captured said arthropod and served it with an appropriate sauce and a rather cheeky Burgundy.

2. Who the hell looked at that particular Lobster and thought, “let’s call him ‘Craig’”.


  1. CountingCats says:



  2. CountingCats says:

    served it with an appropriate sauce and a rather cheeky Burgundy



    Chablis or chardonnay surely.

  3. NickM says:

    Well as I don’t eat shit without spinal columns I wouldn’t know would I?

  4. JuliaM says:

    A 140 yr old lobster can’t taste very nice, I’d have thought….

  5. Pa Annoyed says:

    “Who the hell was the first bugger who saw a very large (and pinchy) bug and thought din-dins? I mean I think if I’d been around in caveman days…”

    Nick, I’m surprised that this wouldn’t be obvious to you, as knowledgeable as you are about the advantages of technology. The first bugger was someone who was very, very hungry. Not in a “I’d quite like a hamburger sometime in the next half hour” sort of way, but in a “please don’t let me die” sort of way.

    When people start out on those military-style survival courses, it is well known that they generally start off going “uuuurgh!”, but after about three days in the cold and wet with no food, virtually anyone becomes willing to give bugs and worms a go. It’s a survival instinct, and even in the 21st century it’s buried in a remarkably shallow grave.

    Some of those archaologists have done some work researching what ‘cavemen’ actually ate. (Few lived in caves of course, they’re just some of the only places the evidenced survived.) Those with modern palates who have tried it are widely of the opinion that most of it tasted awful. (Although it had some surprising highlights.) But it kept you alive, and despite the claims of some that “they’d rather die”, in practice the hypothalamus is extremely persuasive. When it sends its nasty little signals, you’ll eat anything to make them stop.

    In six thousand years we’ve progressed a long way when it comes to food, and it’s been a long time since many people were that desperate. But it’s only in the last century that we’ve actually forgotten it; that we’ve been rich enough that many people don’t even know what real hunger even means. That’s a wonderful and remarkable achievement, although by definition underappreciated.

    So you have yet another thing to be thankful to technological progress for – that it offers you the choice to be able to not eat shit without spinal columns. We no longer live “sustainably”, as the Greens call it. Brilliant, eh?

  6. Pa Annoyed says:

    Oh, yeah, and by the way – you do eat lots of stuff without backbones – although most of it is too small to see. You know what they said when they first invented microscopes…

  7. El Draque says:

    Cooking renders lots of things palatable. “The Economist” this week has a page on the subject; it’s one of the things that helped humanity to evolve.
    And Ray Mears’ series on wild food showed just how many things can be rendered edible – including crayfish.
    And no, I don’t usually eat invertebrates, though I did try snails once. Remarkably tasty, though maybe that was the bouillon they were cooked in.

  8. Rob Farrington says:

    Freedom for sea kittens/puppies/lambs everywhere! Solidarity with Brother Craig!!!

    Your question reminds me of a line by Billy Connolly: how did someone first discover that you could get milk by pulling on a cow’s udder, and what did they THINK that they were doing at the time?

    Who knows? I’m more confused by the fact that someone once tasted a sprout and assumed that it was edible and not poisonous *shudder*. But then, that’s just me.

  9. Sunfish says:

    Mmmmm…crustaceans and molluscs…I haven’t eaten lobster in decades, but I’d be all over some crawdads right now. That crawdads and garlic and all-Cascade pale ale can exist in the same place is to me rather persuasive evidence that there is a God and he’s a pretty neat guy. Or fried clams. Or raw oysters. Or some sushi. Or some squid, if someone can tell me how to make non-rubbery calamari.

    My question for the PETA people, though, is “If fish are sea kittens, does that make my cat a cannibal if I give him some?” And are freshwater fish still sea kittens? What about anadromous fish? Or for you weirdos who eat eels, are catadromous fish still “sea kittens?”

    Re: cavemen and caves: part of the problem was that, in North America, bears live in caves. By the time that we’d worked out weapons to kill bears with, we’d also invented architecture and didn’t need the caves any more.

  10. CountingCats says:


    You have my pity. Regardless of how ugly they may be you are missing out on one of the truly great taste sensations.

    Sunfish – morton bay bugs. Ugly little fuckers, but add garlic and all that is needed to confirm you are in paradise is 72 virgins.

  11. Sam Duncan says:

    Rob & Billy Connolly: Probably the same thing. Some poor bugger thinks to himself, “Well, it keeps those calves going, so…”

    And people who like sprouts have faulty tastebuds. Proven fact. (Well, it amounts to that, anyway: they can’t taste the bitter, metallic-tasting stuff in them that normal people can.)

  12. RAB says:

    Yeah I think Billy was being a bit silly rather than his usual funny, with that crack.

    Mrs Caveman would surely have noticed when little Johnny Ug popped out after nine months and started paying inordinate attention to her breasts and the white stuff leaking out, that the same might apply to cattle etc.

    I have a theory that when Mankind first came out of the African plains and we started to spread ourselves to every corner of the planet, that the spread was mainly round the coastlines.
    Fish , lobster, crabs, shellfish are much easier and less energy consuming to catch than Bison and deer and stuff.And they are very high in protein too. Good for the brain.

    The cats that I really admire are the ones who first sat down and thought…
    Hmm, I wonder if I take some of the brownish looking rock and heat it up to an incredible temperature, maybe I could invent metal!
    Civilisation Ho!

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