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Dita, Underwear, Wanking

Right. The country is so deep in the hole that Cambridge and Imperial are having to invent new orders of magnitude to describe it…

Fuck it. I’m off to have a wank and after seeing this you might be too…

The underwear perplexes me. Women’s “intimates” always do. I’d love my wife to wear such stuff but I know it would be a bloody defence contract and I’d have to sell at least one kidney (have you ever looked into the modern price of corsetry? – I have). If I go to Tesco and buy mince then I pay by weight. If I go to Primark and buy knickers (I do not do this BTW) then I can get three “granny knickers” for a quid and a dry slap from the missus. If I go to Selfridges or Harvey Nicks then it’s sold by inverse mass* and I pay a surreal amount of money but do get a blowjob.

At some point I shall inevitably pay a transfinite number of pounds for something that weighs less than a neutrino. God knows what I’ll get for that.

But I’m OK with that. I see the point because underwear is fundamentally about the taking off rather than the putting on.

Did I mention it’s NSFW? I no longer care. I mean Dita keeps some form of thong on which is for me, quite frankly, a dissapointment.

*This actually has an advantage. Gifts pretty much by definition have to be hidden until revealed. Classy ladies private wear can be very easily hidden (and I mean really hidden in the sense that they don’t even know you bought it) whereas if you’re Richard Timney then you’re phoning the hippo house at Whipsnade for advice and then asking for estimates from Harland and Wolff and General Dynamics. No wonder the poor (non) fucker ended-up bashing his bishop to Channel X.

7 Comments

  1. daphne says:

    Damn, I’m borrowing this, too! (of course I’ll give you props)

    That’s what I used to wear when I stripped – I hauled in the cash like mad. The other girls, in nothing but their cheap g-strings, couldn’t understand why – dumb cows. Men want to be teased, tantalized. Nobody appreciates an easy slut, they kill sexy.

  2. Nick M says:

    Exactly Daphne. And the think with Dita is you think you’ve seen more than you have.

    The olther thing about burlesque is that it just has an essntial *class*. It’s something you can go to on a date. It’s something heterosexual woman often enjoy.

    In my home town of Newcastle there is a bar called “Rockies”. It’s an odd bar because mainly it’s a gay bar but on Saturday afternoons it hosts female strippers. It’s just down the road from St James’ Park so you can have a couple of pints, see the strippers and then watch the football. These days NUFC are so dire you’d need more than a couple of pints – probs IV morphine – but I digress. Anyway, this lass strips and at the final moment when the thong comes off she reveals an inexperrtly shaved pubic area which had been tattoed with the generally recognized symbolic representation of a cannabis leaf.

    Explicit – yes. Enticing – no.

  3. El Draque says:

    This also illustrates the eternal point that complete nudity just isn’t sexy. There’s a reason for the figleaf.
    You probably know about the two lads who went to a naturist beach. A beautiful girl strolled by, not a stitch. One of the lads murmered: “Phew! Imagine her in a bikini”.
    Advice: do not snorkel anywhere near nudists. I was snorkelling round a coral reef in the Red Sea, admiring the multi-coloured fish. Some naked men and women swam by; I nearly choked on the mouthpiece. Body parts were moving in a most disconcerting way.

  4. NickM says:

    Nakedness can be sexy. As can being dressed up. I have only ever once been on a “naturist” beach. It was in Yugoslavia (back when it was Yugoslavia) and it was half nuddy and half normal. On the nuddy side there was a middle-aged chap offering boat rides in a little skiff. He was completely naked apart from a naval captain’s hat. It was utterly risible. It was beneath belief and beyond contempt. It was a travesty.

    But… It’s context and person really. I have always found the idea that nudity was “natural” to be something espoused by people who really ought to keep their clothes on.

    And it’s wrong. Just wrong. The whole Scandinavian lets all get butt-naked and have a sauna together thing destroys the thrill of nudity in certain more sexually charged situations.

    Look at it this way. I grant you two options… You can either have martinis with Scarlett Johansson wearing a designer dress and what you suspect are stockings (not tights) but don’t know but hey, the evening is going well and she’s laughed at a couple of your jokes so you might just find out… Or you could have Jacqui Smith pole dancing starkers in front of you. The first is a sexually enticing prospect and the second is something that would turn Clint Eastwood himself gay.

    It’s about class and context. Audrey Hepburn lighting a cigarette in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” is sexy. Jade Goody “getting her kebab out” on Big Brother was vomitously dreadful.

  5. RAB says:

    But… It’s context and person really. I have always found the idea that nudity was “natural” to be something espoused by people who really ought to keep their clothes on.

    Never said a truer word there!

    Years ago,the wife and I used to go to a Sauna in an old Georgan house here in Bristol. Well it has always been very difficult to find a sauna that isnt actually a Knocking shop.
    Mind you, it was a gay hangout most of the week, but on Wednesday nights it was mixed.
    Unfortunately the only people who seemed to know about the place, apart from us, were Naturists. Perfectly nice people you understand, but body beautiful they definately were not!
    Bizzarre place. Sauna steam room and splash pool in the basement, changing rooms on the next floor up, then there was a snack bar and tv lounge up from that.
    It is very strange to watch stark naked fat people, eating toasted sarnies and drinking coffee and watching Corrie on the telly, before going down for a steam.

    I’m a suspenders and stockings man myself. I like something smooth and silky and sensuous to feel and some straps to twang!

    So you were a stripper Daphne. Good on ya Gal!

    Careful though, or you may have Harriet Harridan round demanding to know the extent of your “Oppression” at the hands of brutal male exploitation, when you actually just laughed all the way to the bank ;-)

  6. Sunfish says:

    Or you could have Jacqui Smith pole dancing starkers in front of you.

    Oh, be still my beating heart. I’ve got a stack of singles here, but I think I’m gonna want change.

  7. RAB says:

    Just keep sticking the coins in the slot Sunfish.

    The entertainment will never get any better, but maybe the mad bitch will sink to her knees under the weight, never to rise again.

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