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Sex EdBallsucation

My intersposed comments on this article from The Times shall look like this:

Compulsory sex and relationships lessons for 11-year-old children are to include classroom discussions on gay unions and civil partnerships. Secondary pupils will learn about contraception and sexually transmitted infections (STIs), while primary school children will learn about their bodies and friendships, a review of sex education has concluded.

I’m struggling here – I have just endured a “Green Audit” – teach primary school children about “friendship”. Don’t they learn that anyway by actually having friends? Is there anything these righteous fucks don’t want to teach rather than allow folks to just find out?

The review was ordered in October after ministers announced that sex and relationships education (SRE) lessons should be made compulsory to help primary and secondary pupils to “navigate the complexities of modern life” and to ensure that children learnt their sex education from the classroom, not the playground.

Right the boom is lowered. I’m going fucking nuclear here. This is utter drivel. This is cockwash of the first water. There is obviously a place for sex education. It’s called biology lessons. Lessons about “relationships” are just beyond fucking belief. Listen, you arsemongers and listen good because if you at the back Mr Balls are not listening or if I even suspect you’re not paying 100% rapt attention I’m staple-gunning your ears open. We have let you lot tax and regulate our jobs, our healthcare, our homes and places of business our everything but we are not going to let you into our bedrooms or round the back of the bike sheds. The playground or the JCR or the office smoking room (now of course illegal) is where we learned about “relationships”. We do it naturally, organically and not by being lectured at by some semi-(house)-trained GROLIES. It is the job of schools to impart knowledge and skills and whilst it is a side effect of schools that they “socialize” kids that is done by letting them run and play together not by some demented top-down didactic idiocy.

The changes to personal, social, health and economic education (PSHE) classes mark the culmination of decades of campaigning by sexual health organisations, who believe that the patchy nature of sex education in schools is helping to fuel a record level of teenage pregnancy and STIs in England.

“Patchy nature of Sex Education”. Oh for fuck’s sake. If I had a quid for everytime I’ve heard some knocked-up Vicki Pollard on the telly blaming her curious abdominal bulge on “Not enough sex education innit” I’d be blogging this from a fucking Learjet. This is what you need to know. This is Teacher Nick’s sex ed lesson: “If you are female and have heterosexual sex without a reliable method of contraception you might get in the bun club. If you have heterosexual or homosexual sex with someone you don’t know too well then there is a reasonable chance of getting something nasty down there. The rest I’m fairly sure you can figure out for yourselves. Oh and Debbie in 4B is a right slag and will do anything for a can of Lilt and a bag of chips but I can see by some of the blushing around the room you already know that.” How much sex education does anyone really need? I mean the subtleties are most fun when learned on the job so to speak but the basics can be taught in minutes. If someone is too fucking pignorant to take note of these basic biological facts then years of trying to hammer it into them will achieve nothing to the porpoise.

Last night campaigners welcomed the review, conducted by Sir Alasdair MacDonald, a secondary head teacher in Tower Hamlets, East London. However, they suggested that its recommendations did not go far enough.

It had to be Tower Hamlets. We are taking advice on reducing teen pregnancy from a teacher in Tower Hamlets? Jeebus fucking wept. What next? A passover prayer delivered by Osama bin Laden, Nick Griffin to lecture us on racial equality, Fred Goodwin on personal finance?

Although the new PSHE classes will be compulsory from 2011, faith schools in England will be given licence to provide sex and relationships education within the context of their own values. This could mean that children will be taught that their religion regards the use of contraceptives as a sin. Parents will also have a legal right to withdraw children from SRE classes. Currently one in 2,500 parents withdraws children from nonstatutory sex education classes.

So it’s either compulsory or you can opt out. Does that make any fucking sense whatsoever? Also, readers from abroad, note that most “faith schools” in this country are state-funded. How that shituation happened is not something you want to get me started on…

Sexual health charities warned that allowing parents to opt out, even if it involved only a small number, was an infringement of young people’s rights. Julie Bentley, chief executive of fpa, formerly the Family Planning Association, said that while religion and sex education were not incompatible, schools should not be allowed to interpret the report “to mean they can tell young people, for example, that contraception isn’t a matter of choice – it is simply wrong”.

I cannot even bear to fisk that. Who are these sexual health charities? I can make a (sexually) educated guess as to who funds them. Oh, in for a penny in for a pound… How much did it cost me for the Family Planning Association to rebrand itself as the fpa? And does anyone else find the idea that the state ought to mandate teaching kids “they have a choice” creepy. I mean in a free society we do just choose anyway. That’s what freedom is. That’s the default position: choice. Imposing it is Rousseau “forcing people to be free”. It is Stalin and collectivisation. It is the utter antithesis of rights rightly thought of. And as a final note here… I personally object to paying for handing out condoms to kiddiewinks when my wife had to drive halfway across the county to have her Implanon changed.

She added: “We would like further assurances that when SRE becomes statutory, all schools will teach it responsibly, ethically and factually as a core subject.”

It gets worse… Yes you can teach sex in terms of biology factually. How the fucking fuckitty fuck do you teach “relationships” factually. This is my core beef. This is the beating heart of my point. Morals are not taught, they are learned. They come from the myriad interactions you have with folks, they come from your faith (or lack thereof). They are absolutely not the beeswax of the state. State imposed morality is not morality. It is tyranny.

Simon Blake, national director of the sexual health charity Brook, said: “Young people need to understand the law – that you can get contraception, that you can have an abortion – and understand the health benefits of practising safer sex. It would not be right for anyone to tell them that this is wrong, but it is OK for them to be told that some people believe it is wrong.”

Well, Blakey (shouldn’t you be back on the buses?)… Seeing as abortion has been legal in the UK for over 40 years and contraception is available in pub toilets, service stations and even the smaller branches of Boot’s I think the kids have either figured it or are too thick or venal to care. I actually don’t object to school nurses handing out RU486 without parental consent – I mean accidents happen and condoms do break (that was a fucking hilarious evening I don’t want to go into) – but… What Blakey is saying is that teens are incapable of personal responsibility and incapable of finding out and in my view that is utterly wrong. You don’t encourage responsible behaviour by advocating the state takes over everything. You do it by leaving people to their own devices. What Blakey doesn’t get is that the way to get folks to be responsible is to allow them to be responsible. What he doesn’t get is that his POV is the exact opposite of the answer. Or maybe he’s smarter than I thought and knows that and knows that his ever spiralling meal-ticket is paying the mortgage and putting the kids through college.

The Catholic Education Service for England and Wales welcomed the opt-out. “This is a crucial right in a community where parents are the first educators of their children, because parents are responsible for bringing up their children, and not the State,” it said.

Thank fuck for that! Sense at last. I personally think Catholic sexual mores are a bit silly but that is a statement I can agree with.

Ed Balls, the Schools Secretary, accepted Sir Alasdair’s review, subject to a four-month consultation that will look again at the content of SRE lessons, but told MPs that he would keep the right of nonacceptance under review.

I outlined, nay completed, my recipe for sex ed above. A “four-month consultation”? Four months of trough-snouting by gits more like. I could sort it in five minutes over the phone but nobody is calling…

Sir Alasdair said that making PSHE compulsory would help the quality of teaching. “There is probably greater variability in teaching and learning in this subject than in most other subjects,” he said.

Yeah, I agree with that. When I was at school it was just PSE (which us young wags pronounced as “pissy”). They added the “H” for “health” later. It was somewhat various. Mainly because it lacked any coherence because it has no coherence in principle because it’s just utter best bollocks and because (from my own personal experience and that of my school pals) it is taught by staff who are so fucking useless they aren’t trusted to teach anything to the point. You’re a head and you have an utterly crap biology teacher – stick ‘em on PSHE – it won’t harm the GCSE results and you don’t have to fabricate a story about how he fondled Debbie from 4B “down there” in the prep room. And I will bet anyone a Coke that if this was true twenty years ago it’s doubly true these days.

I’m madder than a wasp on PCP about this. This is a fucking outrage. The state has no right to lecture anyone on sexual morality. Or any morality. Or any anything. It’s just wrong and it will not “work” and more importantly it is deeply not liberal.

We the free people of England will shag anyone we like, anywhere we like (as long as it does not constitute a public nuisance), anyway we like (obviously with consent especially if it involves doing it via the tradesman’s portal) and we shall do it under a law that protects against rape, child molestation and similar evils but we shall do it under our terms and by our own morals whether they be obtained from the priest, vicar, imam, internet, a bloke down the pub or introspection based on personal experience (mainly with Debbie from 4B). Your job is the defence of the Realm and emptying the bins.

But other than that you can fuck off. You got that?


  1. Infidel753 says:

    Compulsory sex and relationships lessons for 11-year-old children are to include classroom discussions on gay unions and civil partnerships.

    What I’m really waiting to see is how the Muslims will react.

    trying to hammer it into them will achieve nothing to the porpoise.

    Is that like in the Middle Ages when Queen Mary Whatsername was forced to marry a dolphin from France?

  2. mandrill says:

    Well said! Some things can be taught and should be, how to read, write, count, etc. Others must be learned, and cannot be taught. Teenagers don’t believe that us grown-ups know anything anyway and they never have. My hope is that they’ll simply go on finding things out on their own and ignore the nannying of Balls and his ilk.

  3. Nick M says:

    Exactly Mandrill.

    When my wife had sex ed at school it was done by a dismal middle-aged woman. She said towards the end of the lessons, “Now if you have any questions you don’t want to air in the classroom then write them down anonymously and next week I’ll do my best to answer them…” Next week she had to admit she didn’t know (amongst other things) what a “pearl necklace” was. This was greeted by generalised hilarity.

  4. El Draque says:

    Compulsory morality never takes root.
    Generations of men had compulsory church parade in the Army. Many of them had had compulsory morning service at school.
    Did we get a generation of Bible-believers? Hello?

    Any organisation which thinks that forcing people to learn morality is the way to make them practise it has already lost moral authority.

  5. Dave H. says:

    In my day we never passed beyond diagrams of the male/female tract. I suppose that shows a clear heterosexual bias: nowadays they’ll have added drawings of male recta.

  6. NickM says:

    Precisely ED.

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