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Gawd bless the NHS (again)!

I think this gem from The Times has officially pushed me over the edge into running round the garden with underpants on my head shouting “wibble” at squirrels. Ian B has a nice line on infantilization in education but this takes the choclate-chip Hob-Nob and dunks it.

A National Health Service leaflet is advising school pupils that they have a “right” to an enjoyable sex life and that regular intercourse can be good for their cardiovascular health.

Nobody has a right to a sex. They have a right to try if they can find a willing partner. And ya know lots of other things improve cardiovascular health such as jogging, tennis or having a fight.

The advice appears in guidance circulated to parents, teachers and youth workers, and is intended to update sex education by telling pupils about the benefits of sexual pleasure. For too long, say its authors, experts have concentrated on the need for “safe sex” and loving relationships while ignoring the main reason that many people have sex, that is, for enjoyment.

They have finally figured out that most people find sex enjoyable! Well fuck me roughly from behind with a baguette! Truly that is the most profoundly counter-intuitive but ground-breaking piece of research since Ernest Rutherford discovered atoms were mainly nothing. And “telling pupils about the benefits of sexual pleasure”. Oh, behave! If this was any other source than the NHS you’d think after they put that publication to bed they’d be rolling between the desks laughing themselves to cariovascual fitness. But no. They probably felt very pleased and moral about it.

The NHS is now putting out leaflets saying “sex is fun”. Jesus, Buddha and Guru Nanak all sat down and wept. I mean for cunting fuck’s sake where did they get such an outrageous idea!

The document, called Pleasure, has been drawn up by NHS Sheffield, although it is also being circulated outside the city.

Alongside the slogan “an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away”, it says: “Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes’ physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?”

Right. I am really losing it now. The bastarding NHS is now publishing leaflets telling teenagers they might enjoy a wank? Or that that is part of their state-approved fitness regime along with their five-a-day. That’s five fruit and veg although why not combine the two like that guy in American Pie who fucked an apple pie. Why not be ultra healthy and fuck five fuit pies a day? Why not? The government said so.

Steve Slack, director of the Centre for HIV and Sexual Health at NHS Sheffield, who is one of the authors, argues that, far from promoting teenage sex, it could encourage young people to delay losing their virginity until they are sure they will enjoy the experience.

Steve Slack? I am now typing from below the desk. What sort of a fucking deranged argument is that “on the”? That is utter bollocks. It is beneath risible and beyond contempt. I mean how the fucking fuck does anyone know they’ll enjoy anything until they try it? This is your Mum in 1985 saying she heard your tunes on your Walkman and that they “had a good beat”. It’s “dad dancing” in front of your pals. It is the very finest cut of best bollocks.

Slack believes that as long as teenagers are fully informed about sex and are making their decisions free of peer pressure and as part of a caring relationship, they have as much right as an adult to a good sex life.

From my considerable experience of actually being a teenager (roughly from the ages of 13 to 19 oddly enough) expecting peer-pressure (that epic catch-all for the ills of the youth) not to be a factor in almost everything they do is farcical. And who is to judge what is or is not a “caring relationship” anyway? Some of mine have been really quite casual but pleasant. Were they caring? Is sex without love but with a degree of mutual respect actually caring? Were the very emotionally intense ones, the ones that I would have destroyed empires over, more or less caring even if they ended in disaster? Everyone I know has been dumped or treated badly or had their heart broken and it hurts like hell. That is life and that is something we learn from and it is not something that can be taught by Steve-on-the-Slack. I’d prefer it to be learned with Debbie from 4B behind the bike sheds because that is real and she’s learning too. To expect teenagers to really understand life is expecting them to be emotional prodigies. They are learning. We all are. I just know a bit more than the average fifteen year old because I have an extra twenty years on the clock.

Anthony Seldon, master of Wellington College, Berkshire, who introduced classes in emotional wellbeing, said the approach was “deplorable”.

Now it gets worse (it is quite difficult to type whilst chewing through your own ankle, under a desk). It is “deplorable” (such a Daily Mail-ish term BTW) but coming from someone who launched classes on “emotional wellbeing” you just know he’s a complete tit-end as well.

There has almost certainly been more ink spilt over the subject of sex than semen. It is all bollocks. For me it is a touchstone libertarian subject because… Well I had this pal once who was in what I and a few other of his pals thought was a really damaging relationship. He said to me, “Nick, but you don’t know what it’s like when we are alone together”. Exactly. If I didn’t know what was good for my mate how the devil do we expect loons like Slackster to know?

And another thing. It’s a little thing called morality. There was no mention of it in that article but morality should be at the heart of any discussion of sex. I don’t mean that in an old-fashioned tweed-jacket and pipe moralizing sense but it is there and it is variable because it is intensely personal. It is about empathy and is something you learn and cannot be taught. It is deeply libertarian because it is about the free interactions between free people.

You want my 2p on all this? Sex is something we can learn by ourselves (especially these days with the net and all) apart from maybe the reproductive aspect which is properly a significant part of biology and “relationships” are things that happen to you rather than are taught to you.

Life can’t be taught. It shouldn’t even be attempted to be taught. It should be lived.

I have a lot more to say on this but the post has become somewhat engorged…

And, yeah, it often works out badly but then what is the alternative?


  1. RAB says:

    Right that’s the kiddy winks and the Pensioners suitably Nannied,

    Now what about the rest of us.

  2. Sam Duncan says:

    Oh, I can’t wait to try that one out… “No, love, it’s a right now. See, it says in this NHS leaflOOYAH!”

  3. Sunfish says:

    Could I just stick four zucchini into an apple pie and call it a day? That would be a substantial improvement on both my diet and my love life since I rediscovered bachelorhood.

  4. El Draque says:

    Some years ago a handicapped man in Holland – in a wheelchair – successfully took legal action to get a prostitute on the cost of the Dutch NHS because a sex-life was a right.

  5. RAB says:

    You mystify me Officer…

    You wish to insert courgettes into apple pies?

    This will give you sexual satisfaction?

    Nay! also improve your diet???

    You folks in Colerado do have an exciting time though dont cha!

  6. bgc says:

    What? You mean sex is meant to be fun?

    Why didn’t they tell us this before now?

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