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Geordie Masochism

I am a masochist. I don’t mean that I get turned on by the idea of Dita von Teese making me wear stockings and then getting medieval on my ass turns me on (though it does). That is a simple fetish but alas I am already way beyond that level of perversion. I am a lifelong Newcastle United fan.

Stop laughing at the back. Oh! carry on it’s the only way I can cope as well.

After a dismal season which saw us relegated I recently saw the new away strip for our up-comming campaign in the Championship (say it quickly and it don’t hurt as much). Here it is…

Now I’m no Trinny and Susannah and normally dress like a mildly deranged Korean War fighter pilot but that is fucking ghastly. That knocks into a cocked hat the abysmal Arsenal away strip of the early nineties (also heavy on the yellow) and it makes the Notts Forest away strip of the same era look tasteful. I have seen some dreadful outfits in my time but that new Newcastle strip takes the battenburg and performs an unatural act with it. It is horrid. Is it a cunning plan? I mean are NUFC so devoid of cash or ideas that their only option is to dazzle the opposition so our strikers (whoever they may be – could be me – rail fare every Saturday and a complimentary pie – we are that potless) wearing that garb will cause defenders from sunnier climes to collapse screaming, “My eyes!”. Is that what the Toon Army is reduced to?

Wiser viewers might (if they can cope) have spotted the shirt sponsor. Yup, it’s still Northern Rock. I think that says it all really. A shit team, utterly insolvent, wearing kit that would be rejected by a fairground barker on the grounds of tastelessness playing the likes of West Brom Albion and sponsored by a bankrupt bank…

That’s modern Britain in a nutshell for you.

But I have no choice. I’m a fan. I have lived these last few years in and around Manchester and I could have become a fan of Sir Alex’s Reds or Man City or even (God help me for saying this) Stockport County, or Bolton Wanderers but no. When I pop my cloggs and Quincy gets Sam (ever noticed that Sam actually does all the work whilst Quincy merely grandstands?) to open me up my heart will be striped black and white and therefore probs readable by a Tesco scanner. And Sam will sagely remark that I could have got that Wash And Go on a three for a price of two offer. Not that it will matter because I’m quitting this mortal coil via misadventure and that don’t exactly go along with open casket ceremonies.

Enough of that already!

How the hell can I support a team playing in that? I will though because I’m a Geordie and the fact that they are going to dress like rejects from a Gay Pride march and haven’t won anything since before I was born doesn’t matter. I will support them because they are my team.



  1. Monoi says:

    Brilliant, I’m sending the link to a friend who is in the same predicament!

    What fun it is, and will be!

  2. RAB says:

    Oh for christ’s sake Nick, that’s awful!

    I was born in Cardiff, so I was spared this strange addiction to football as City have been utter crap for my entire lifetime. I used to go to the Rugby instead.

    It’s going to be like that old joke about people listening to the football results on a saturday thinking that Acrington Stanley nil was the full name of the team, cos thats all you are going to score looking like that!

    The gales of laughter, when they run out on the pitch, are going to be epic, and lord alone knows what songs the wags in the crowd are going to make up.
    Something sung to the tune of “Tie a yellow ribbon” perhaps? :-)

  3. NickM says:

    Nah RAB, I wanna know who actually thought that was a good idea. And BTW St James’ Park is after Old Trafford the second largest club stadium in England. I shall pay tribute here to the Welsh because that Millenium Stadium you have in Cardiff is a hell of a thing and seemed to turn-up on time and for a reasonable price unlike that farce at Wembley.

    I was recently back up in the NE and kids were wearing that utter shiteration on the streets of Newcastle.

    We used to build one third of all the ships in the world…

    Oh, holy mother of all fuck!

    Last weekend I went for a cruise down Tyneside’s blighted post-industrial wasteland and at Port of Tyne there was a huge heap of coal. We have no mine any more so that was an import. And guess what (Cats will laugh) that was quite possibly (if it wasn’t from Poland) coals from Newcastle, Queensland.

    It’s gonna end badly. You know how? We are gonna make the ‘tricity from gas which means buying it in from Shoddy Absurdia, Russia or Nigeria.

    Oh, fucking help me here for I feel I can no longer stand-up.

    Because in Lisbon I went to the maritime museum and every second thing I saw had a plaque on it saying “Made in Newcastle”.

    How the fuck did we manage to fuck that one up?

  4. CountingCats says:

    coals from Newcastle, Queensland.

    Newcastle, New South Wales.

  5. RAB says:

    Yeah the Millenium Stadium is a piece of work isnt it.

    And the best thing about it isnt the closeable roof and stuff, it is that when it was being designed the planners wanted to do the usual buggeration of making it multi purpose by putting a cycle track and a running track around the edge, but the people of Wales rose up with one voice and said fuck that Boyo! This is supposed to be a replacement for the Arms Park, which is a rugby ground and National shrine.We want to see the action up close, not through bloody binoculars like other multi purpose lash ups! And you can.
    It came in, as you say on time and pretty much on budget, unlike friggin Wembley.

    I may not be a soccer fan, but I have Scouser mates and they loved coming to Cardiff to watch Liverpool.

    They said the old Wembley stadium (to which I have never been) was a complete shithole. It is way out on a limb so travelling to it was a pain in the arse.No booze allowed, and you got treated like cattle.

    But the Millennium Stadium is smack in the middle of town, about 200 yds from the main train and bus stations, and there are bars and restaurants inside so you can eat and drink in comfort, like real civilised people.

    The amount of money they have made from hosting all the FA Cup finals etc that were held there while they were titting about with the new Wembley, must have paid for the place by now.

  6. Sam Duncan says:

    That’s nothing. My local team (fortunately I’m not a fan; I’d rather gouge my eyes out with a teaspoon than watch football) Partick Thistle’s away kit last year was pink. ‘S historical, y’see: their home kit was pink back in the 1910s or ’20s, or something. It still looked ridiculous.

    I suspect the people who design those things aren’t fans either. And they’re having a good old laugh to themselves. “These buggers’ll wear anything! Okay, so we’ve got blokes all over north-west Glasgow in pink… what next? Yes! Geordies in bright yellow! Ahahahahahahaha!”

  7. NickM says:

    Cats, I’m sorry. Cocked-up, sorry.

    Sam. I think you are right. In the 1920s it was in black and white it probs looked better in much the same way as the Battle of the Somme did.

    It is terrible. As my wife (hardly a football fan) put it, so what is the goal-keeper’s jersey like these days and more to the point where did Shay Given feck off to… Not that I think Mr Given ought to get any stick. He gave a sinking ship way more than it deserved. He was one of the best goalies in the Prem and goddamn it he needed to to be because our defence was abysmal.

  8. Silas says:

    “he needed to to be because our defence was abysmal”

    If the “performance” at Leyton Orient is anything to go by, last year’s defence is going to look like a highpoint in a couple of seasons time. Possibly when we’re in the Conference.

    I’m starting to hear scary rumours that we may be going into Administration unless Ashley gets a buyer sorted out very, very quickly. Obviously any buyer hearing that will wait and then buy us (hopefully) when the price has gone down a bit more. If we go into Administration then I’m fairly certain we’ll start the season on minus points, and frankly, I can’t see us doing enough to get back out of the Championship this season even without deductions.

    Still, my girlfriend is looking forward to taking me to Selhurst to watch Palace play us. I might be able to take her to see us play Barnet in a season or so.

  9. Silas says:

    And RIP Sir Bobby.

  10. Sickunit says:

    Made me consider what you said.
    Yes we have some sick interests besides the sexual?

    Sport i suppose is the ultimate perversion.


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