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The Progressive Commandments

One of the blogosphere’s finest bloggers Dick Puddlecote thought a comment I made over at Letters From A Tory worthy of repeating, so I thought I’d repeat it here too…

The Progressive Commandments

Thou shalt not imbibe of intoxicating liquor, nor of intoxicants of any kind, nor of any thing which maketh thee a bit giggly nor which relieveth the burden of thy mortal existence.

Thou shalt not smoke, for the stench offendeth the nostrils of the LORD.

Thous shalt not consume the flesh of any animal, for all animals are sacred to the LORD; thou shalt not consume the pig, or the cow, or the sheep, nor any creature which flyeth or creepeth upon the ground upon any number of legs, nor squirmeth upon its belly. All meat is an abomination sayeth the LORD.

Neither shalt thou consume of any thing which delighteth the taste. Thou shalt not eateth cakes nor buns, nor any sugary thing, nor any thing which containeth cream, for the LORD liketh not fats. Thou shalt not season thy food, nor sprinkle it with the salt of the earth, nor adulterate with MSG. For the LORD sayeth that thy food should be simple, and plain, and he is the holiest of all who consumeth unflavoured tofu with a rictus grin.

Thou shalt work hard; thou shalt work until thy back acheth and thy bones breaketh, but thou shalt not be made wealthy by thy labours, for wealth is an abomination sayeth the LORD. Thou shalt suffer by the sweat of thy brow, and that which thou maketh the LORD shall taketh away, and when ye are old thou shalt lose thy house, and dwell in the place the LORD telleth thee to dwell, which shall treat thee as a burden and shall smell of wee. And the LORD shall allow ye to end thy pitiful existence to saveth a bit of money for thy government.

Thus sayeth the LORD. Thy life shall be long, and hard, and by the sweat of thy brow shall ye toil until it endeth, and there shall be no pleasure within it, for it is easier for a man who smileth to pass through the eye of the needle than to enter into the kingdom of Progressive Righteousness. In shame at thy existence shall ye live, and in shame shall ye die, for thy very life is a poisonous thing upon the face of the Earth. Better that ye had not lived at all, but if ye live, ye shall not enjoy any moment of it, for this filleth the LORD with rage. Compost ye were, and compost ye shall become.

4 Comments

  1. Aww shucks, ta for the kind comment and the link.

    It was an inspired post, Ian. Didn’t deserve merely being squirrelled away where it was.

  2. Daphne says:

    Dang, that was good!

  3. IanB says:

    Thanks, Dick. I think your blog is doing enormously good work on the neo-puritanism front. Keep it up. :)

    Thanks Daphne :)

  4. Rob Fisher says:

    Wow, I think you’ve got everything covered, and accurately, too.

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