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Polly put the kettle on…

‘On the day when I became prime minister, I promised I would try my utmost. I have indeed worked night and day in the midst of the storm that has engulfed the world economy. I believe I have helped save this country from a depression as bad or worse than the 1930s. I have contributed to the global rescue of banks whose domino collapse threatened a terrifying meltdown. I encouraged a global fiscal stimulus that learned Keynes’ lessons.

Keynes was wrong.

“Make no mistake, had David Cameron and George Osborne been in power to do what they proposed, the catastrophe doesn’t bear thinking about. With ATM machines within hours of shutting down, the Conservatives urged us to do nothing, spend nothing, laissez-faire and let it happen. Supermarket shelves would have emptied in a chaos of panic. To spend money then was to invest in saving us all, and the debts we incurred were a price well worth paying. Had we not spent that money, the cost of total collapse would have been unimaginably higher. We do indeed need to repay the money borrowed, but over time, with care, at a sustainable pace, without destroying the fabric of our much improved public services.

Wild speculation from Polly, for it is she. Much improved public services? Like getting my bin emptied once a fortnight and not once a week. High-fives all round for that Pol!

“Unemployment now is our greatest concern: we will not create another lost generation of young people. With extra apprenticeships and every effort, bending each department to the task, we will not let it happen again. Yet Cameron and Osborne are bent on doing just that, turning their ‘Broken Britain’ fallacy into a horrible reality. They tell us they would cut deeply, immediately, before recovery is established. We never forget the cruelty of Mrs Thatcher’s 1980s cuts, the social destruction and despair, the public squalor and the doubling of children in poverty – too many children are still poor today despite our best efforts.

Unemployment certainly is their greatest concern. The official figures (which are always finessed) look set to top 3 million by the end of the year. Woo hoo! That’s up there with the worst of the Thatcher era that was the result of the epic mess Mrs T inherited from Labour. Polly, I know you have a villa in Tuscany and presumably a smart gaff in London but take a trip on the 192 bus along the A6 through South Manchester. It’s FUBAR. The number of once successful businesses that are now boarded-up is astonishing. And that’s your beloved Labour Party Pol-Pot. That’s taxes and regulations and smoking bans and the elfnsafety. And finally, If too many children are still too poor after twelve years of Labour meddling does that perhaps not suggest that that meddling was misdirected?

“I cannot stand by and let the Conservatives do it again – same blueprint, same economic errors, multiplying social problems for years to come – and all for what? To pay down a sustainable deficit too far, too fast. Nothing learned, nothing changed – same ideology, same blind indifference to national wellbeing. Look at the harm their Europhobia is already inflicting on Britain’s role in Europe as they leave the mainstream for a ragbag party of neofascists, racists and wreckers. I cannot stand by and let William Hague take us to the European departure gate.

Europhobia? I think Pol has been on the crystal meth again. I love Europe and holiday there mostly but I hate the EU. Polly has moved to pure fantasy-land here. The Tories have no desire to leave the EU. For that reason I vote UKIP. And leave Europe? Is Pol suggesting Admiral Billy Hague will harness the entire Royal Navy (what little is left of it) to our islands and tow us elsewhere?

“Each of us has a part to play to stop that happening. I have done my utmost. I am proud of so much that Labour has done, money well spent after decades of neglect. Who would have thought we could all but abolish NHS waiting lists? I will spare you the litany of Labour achievements – just look all around us.

Utter bollocks. Abolish NHS waiting lists! Which is why my wife had to wait over a month for a cancer biopsy result that was sent by second class mail during a postal strike by that other fine public service the Royal Mail.

“But as I see the challenge ahead, I fear that my utmost will not be enough and I am not the best person to lead this party into the next election. Fairly or unfairly, the public have decided. If I am no longer an asset to my party in the battle to keep the Conservatives from power, then I know my duty is to stand aside and let someone else succeed. That is the greatest service I can offer. I hope I have been the right person to see the country through a crisis. But I fear I am no longer the best person to take Labour’s good case to the electorate.

Utmost will? Pol is now in Leni Riefenstahl territory. And as to the rest of that paragraph… My only comment starts with the word “fuck” and ends with the word “off” and has no words in between.

“Our party is fortunate. In my cabinet I have an abundance of talent, younger and older, who would make Labour’s case well as next leader. The process of choosing the best one will not be divisive: we are remarkably united compared with any time in our past. On the contrary, I am confident that choosing a new leader will release all the dynamism in this party in the next stage of the long march for social justice: we are essentially a social democratic nation.

Oh, dear fuck… Of course it will be divisive you daft bint. The deranged harridan Harman and the failed NAZI Gauleiter Balls will be knocking spots off each other whilst Johnson gets it in the end by default and Mandy schemes… “Long march” – Pol, is that perhaps the best turn of phrase? “Essentially a social democratic nation” – er… Pol, we are essentially what we choose to elect and not what you choose to believe.

“Someone new will find it easier than I to talk honestly of mistakes we have made. Of course, in 12 long years any government gets things wrong. Sometimes a scapegoat is useful to draw the understandable anger people feel at how risk and greed in the banks caused so many to lose jobs, homes and pensions. I take the blame for failing to see the full danger building up in our financial sector – though goodness knows, we shared that mistake with every other country and economist. But had we followed the Conservatives’ persistent demands to deregulate everything, how much worse the crisis would have been. Even now the Conservatives would demolish the FSA – whose chair, Adair Turner, has spelled out what must be done to restrain greed and risk from now on.

Right, so you’re now bitching that the Tories would abolish the FSA whilst admitting that they failed to avert the crisis. I have studied logic. I’ll be Mandelson’s catamite before I can figure out what you studied.

“But if the case can be better put by others, I will not stand as an obstacle in the fight ahead. By stepping aside, I give this urgent warning to voters: however angry you are at what has happened, however alarmed you are by a national debt that was necessarily incurred to prevent worse disaster, do not inflict on yourselves and the nation a government ideologically intent on harming so many of the services you depend on.

We only depend on those services because Labour has conclusively buggered the private sector. Re-read that please dear reader. It’s a rather nasty threat predicated upon the idea that all your everythings are belong to us. Oh, and I am alarmed by the National debt. It’s catastrophic. Adjusted for inflation it is more than the cost of the Great War and that’s just for the porkulus to the banks etc.

“Ask yourselves what you value most in life. Most precious are those things we can only purchase together: health, education, safety in the streets, fine public spaces, parks, museums, sports grounds and beautiful public buildings. No shop sells anything we prize so highly. Don’t let all these good public things descend again into the petty squalor of the 1980s and 1990s for the sake of a few more pounds in your pocket. The small state is the squalid state, penny-pinching, mean-spirited and devoid of things that make a country proud.

OK, Pol… Sports grounds are owned by people like Roman Abramovich, education can be provided privately (I have tutored privately for example). The rest is unfiskable nonsense. Tesco sells food. I think we prize that quite highly for otherwise we die.

“I am glad to have played my part in helping rebuild Britain’s public realm. But I know my limitations well enough to stand down at the right time to let one of my talented colleagues take up the baton and run with it to a victory at the next election.”

Pol has now gone beyond fantasy and entered the land of kiddie make-believe where she commutes to the Guardian office astride a pink unicorn called Barack. God himself could lead the Labour party and they would still lose. Pol, your folks fucked up epically. They destroyed the remains of British industry and thought they could run an economy entirely on the basis of a credit bubble. Yeah, I know other countries did similar but not to the same extent (apart from Iceland obviously).

I have read a few articles in my time by Pol but this draft of hers for Gordoom’s abdication (which she desires) is the most delusional yet. She clearly needs to consult the OED as to the definition of “invest” and then get herself gone to a nunnery – if they’ll have her.

Broon can go run a small B&B in Fife that would make Faulty Towers look like the Ritz. I don’t really care anymore. He is merely a symptom of the disease that is the progressive “consensus” that in this piece the Polmeister demonstrates so aptly. The extent to which she demonstrates her raw belief that her way is the only way is breathtaking.

From CiF, obviously.


  1. RAB says:

    I will spare you the litany of Labour achievements – just look all around us.

    Yes Polly I just did.

    No wonder you have not expanded on that bald statement.

    May I mention selling our gold at the bottom of the market?
    The rape of the private pension funds?
    The proliferation of Govt IT schemes and databases, like the NHS one, that cost a frigging fortune, leak like a sieve and patently dont work?
    The multiplication in the number of Quangos that serve no earthly purpose other to increase Labours client base?

    No more Boom and Bust???

    We are going to be bankrupt well into the next century, you crazy fuckin loon!

  2. john in cheshire says:

    What will it take before there are extermination squads in this country, specifically targetting entities like toynbee and all the other socialists, communists and crypto-communists?
    I’m a coward, so I’m afraid I’ll just be on the sidelines, applauding and dancing on their graves. But I would give funding and encouragement to those who know what to do and are capable of implementing it. They would go down in history as the saviours of England.

  3. NickM says:

    Geez John,
    My worry is that *they* will form the execution squads. You sound like that scene in Reggie Perrin…

  4. Deadbeat Dad says:

    Even after all these years, it’s still a pleasure to read a Pollyfisk of this quality.

  5. Sam Duncan says:

    Pol needs to be – as my old dad would put it – taken away to “a place”. She’s clearly completely off her trolley now. That tirade is absolutely bizarre. Does she actually, seriously, believe that nonsense? I have visions of her sitting alone in a room, never going out, receiving all her “news” from obedient staff who daren’t tell her the truth. (For fear of invoking Godwin’s Law, I won’t mention a certain bunker, but you get the idea.)

    Please, Pol, for your own good, get some help. You daft bat.

    “Broon can go run a small B&B in Fife that would make Faulty Towers look like the Ritz.”

    I can tell you the competition among B&Bs in Fife is cutthroat. The Economic Genius wouldn’t stand a chance.

    Mind you, that’s East Fife I’m talking about – imagine a sort of Jockular Devon or Cornwall (and just as infested with LibDems, oddly enough) – and he’s from Kirkcaldy: Grimsby without the charming, sophisticated, cosmopolitan atmosphere. He’d do better tryng to open an ice cream shop at the north pole.

    God alone knows what he’ll do when he’s kicked out on his fat arse. Probably end up running the World Bank or something. So that’s the world fucked, then.

  6. Nick M says:

    Pol is beyond any help Sam.

    Never been to Fife. But that is where the one-eyed merchant of doom hoves from?

    Grimsby is actually OK. Been there.

    Sam, your further speculations on Gordooms’s future plans fill me with a dread and forboding.

    Can’t we burn the lardy fucker at the stake?

  7. Rob Farrington says:

    Great fisking! I wonder sometimes if Polly is actually clinically insane, or if she’s discovered some previously unknown and extremely potent species of hallucinogenic mushroom.

    I take the number 82 route daily between Manchester and Failsworth, and looking at the number of closed pubs and other businesses on Oldham Road, I half expect to see tumbleweed blowing across the street.

    As for NHS waiting lists, I had to wait five years to have an operation on my anterior cruciate ligament, by which time my knee had given way so many times that I was already in the early stages of osteoarthritis. The reason? They erm…’misplaced’ my records. If I hadn’t followed it up I’d probably still be waiting, even now.

  8. Nick M says:

    Absolutely on both your points. I have had that tumbleweed experience. And as to the NHS unless it’ll kill you the Nashers have absurd waiting lists. This frequently results in the condition getting worse and therefore costing more to fix and also there’s a damn good chance you’re off work until the surgery and claiming bennies. Joined-up government? They can’t do joined-up handwriting.

  9. Paul Marks says:

    The bailout of last year and this year (for the credit money expansion by the Federal Reserve and the Bank of England is still going on as I type this – they are creating money, from nothing, and using it to buy government debt and the debt of politically connected private companies), was only the latest of many.

    Alan Greenspan (when he was at the Fed) launched many “rescues” – and the Bank of England went along with him. And each time he “saved the world” what in fact had happened was that he had made the bubble BIGGER.

    As for the latest mega bailout (so praised by dear Polly) – well the German Chancellor (just reelected) summed up the matter well last year.

    “If you do this” she said (talking of the suggestion for the massive expansion of government credit money and government deficit spending) “then you will have a worse crises in five years”.

    Of course the lady could be wrong – it may not take five years.

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