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The Divine Right of Marlon Kings

I’m a Geordie and a NUFC fan, which is a cross to bear I can tell you. If I was also a follower of various oriental faiths then I must have done something truly terrible in a previous life to deserve that. I now live in the North West and means being surrounded by Liverpool, Everton and Manchester United fans. It’s forty years since Newcastle won anything and that was before I was born. When we last won the league my Grandfather was in short trousers. It is a pain that shall never end.

I always rated the late Sir Booby Robson as a good manager and a gentleman but he ultimately failed as Newcastle manager because he was old skool and he didn’t understand the multi-millionaires in their twenties under his management. Back when Sir Bobby was playing for Fulham a successful game would be celebrated with a couple of pints of mild and an increase in the Brylcreem ration. Not no more…

Premier League footballer Marlon King was jailed for 18 months yesterday for groping a female student and breaking her nose after she spurned his advances in a London nightclub.

The 29-year-old striker, who was celebrating his wife’s pregnancy and scoring the winning goal against Middlesbrough while on loan to Hull City in December last year, had insisted it was a case of “mistaken identity”.

But after witnesses identified him as the 20-year-old woman’s attacker, he was convicted of sexual assault and causing actual bodily harm. The court heard that King, who has three children, told her: “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a millionaire,” and later dismissed her as “not even in his league” after she and her two friends “recoiled” from his touch.

What an obnoxious wanker! Unlike the women in question I know precisely who Marlon King is – he’s a copper-bottomed, gold plated bell-end (although I tell a lie – I suspect they thought that at the time too). Well, that’s about a year (practically speaking) during which he’ll have to tell cell-mate “Chopper” Dave that he “isn’t in his league”… I hope he leaves chokey waddling due to having an arsehole like a clown’s pocket.

I’m beside myself though. You celebrate your wife being pregnant by sexually assaulting a girl in a nightclub and then breaking her nose when she tells you to fuck off. I dunno about you dear reader but is that normal? I might (call me naive here) have thought getting tickets for a West-End show for the missus as more appropriate than groping girls and then beating them up. But then nobody knows who I am and I have never just put one in the onion bag for Hull City (not exactly a club laden with silver it has to be said). Though considering it was against the ‘boro I suspect my late Mackem grandmother could have achieved that feat. Being a Geordie I have to say that. If you are not English and do not understand the intricacies of English football culture then you have to learn that the clubs in the North East have a rivalry so fierce you could put it on a horse and dress it with a fur-trimmed helmet and call it Ghengis Khan.

After the Middlesbrough match, the player had intended to stay in the North East. But his wife, Julie, a former Miss Zambia, called him to ask him to return to their Hertfordshire home, where she told him she was pregnant. King then went out to celebrate with his half- brother and two friends, saying he had his wife’s “blessing”.

Now if I was married to a former Miss Anywhere I doubt I would… Oh, I can’t finish that sentence because you already have. I sincerely hope he rapidly becomes the ex-husband of a former Miss Zambia. I suspect he had his wife’s blessing to have a few jars with the lads. Was groping and punching other women tacit in that? I leave that question to the reader.

CCTV images showed King and his companions, wearing matching “NY” caps, skipping the queue at the exclusive bar. Footage taken in the foyer showed the player hugging one woman, who completely ignored him.

“Skipping the queue at the exclusive bar”. No wonder he believes himself a veritable god in human form. Alas, seeing as he was jailed over a sexual and physical assault on a woman who wanted nothing of it, her friends were repulsed and the bird in the foyer wasn’t too impressed either Mr King it must be clearly stated is not exactly Don Juan which I suspect is the reason he got a little too hot under the collar later.

Clearly I think King is an arsehole of the first enema. But it is the celeb culture we have indulged in that has enabled this. The culture that has allowed the famous or in Marlon King’s case the reasonably well known to Wigan Athletic fans think they can get away with stuff that is to blame. Of course he should be held accountable because he did it but we should all be concerned about the idiocy of allowing the “do you know who am?” ers free reign.

Because this is where it leads..

PS. My sister-in-law had once to chuck Euan Blair out of Bristol University SU. Unlike the time he was retrieved from a gutter in Leicester Square he at least also knew who he was then. And stated it repeatedly and to no effective end. My s-I-l takes few prisoners.


  1. QM says:

    As a Newcastle fan old enough (and privileged enough) to have saw the Toon beat Ujpest Dosza in the fairs Cup back in 1969 I share your pain, which isn’t made any easier by the Maccems doing well either.

  2. Sunfish says:

    Conversation that I have at least once a year:

    “Don’t you know who I am?”

    “Well, ma’am, not really, but as long as YOU know who you are…”

  3. JuliaM says:

    “I dunno about you dear reader but is that normal?”

    For normal people, no. For footballers and other minor slebs, who knows?

  4. Nick M says:

    I was born in ’73 so unless a guy called The Doctor lands a blue box in my garden…

    ‘slebs are very odd. There was some guy on the X-factor last night who claimed to be more hated than Hitler.

    This website on the other hand is bigger than Jesus.

  5. RAB says:

    The best riposte to the “Do you know who I am” line came from a little old lady when Margaret Hodge MP was visiting an old peoples home.

    No dear I dont, said the little old lady, but if you go and see the Sister she’ll be able to tell you. She is very clever.

  6. NickM says:

    I have just been rabbit sitting. I was shocked at how much the bunny liked the carrot I brought round because I kinda thought that was a bit of a cliche – almost like racial sterotyping about black men having natural rythym. So it started a train of thought which I pursued because rabbits don’t make much conversation.

    Anyway, what if maybe twenty years ago Mr and Mrs Griffin had a son and thought, Nicholas is a nice name. Furthermore what if Mr and Mrs and now Nicholas Griffin are black. There is a reasonable chance there is a black man on the streets of the UK called Nick Griffin.

    If you think that far-fetched my father-in-law taught biology to a Clint Eastwood. “Eastwood, let’s see your homework, go ahead punk, make my day!”.

  7. I have a dificult tos pell surname. For some reason people have started asking*…. “and how are you spelling that?” to which I usually repond “same as I always do”, especially when its a call centre that’s really pissing me off.

    *I think its come from the USA!!

  8. alison says:

    A thug, a vile man and undoubtedly a role model for many young men. Naturally his friends allege racism now. King has 13 previous convictions including theft, assaulting a police officer and wounding. But he still got a job at that club? Oh and his agent has the gall to already suggest he will get another place at another club soon enough. How can he find the cojones to say that? Because he is probably right.

  9. NickM says:

    Yes, alison. He is probably right. The stories of the likes of Woodgate and Bowyer illustrate that behaving appallingly and criminally isn’t a problem for footy clubs.

    And it should be because, apart from basic decency, the clubs that do well don’t tolerate this sort of behaviour.

    And how dare he play the race card! Even before the physical and sexual assault he and his chums had been behaving boorishly and to celebrate you wife’s pregnancy by going on the pull is beyond my comprehension.

  10. alison says:

    is beyond my comprehension.

    Modern society, dignity, manners have gone to shit Nick. Fact is our culture is busy going down the goddamn toilet with the cultural libertines and libertarians have been flushing hardest since the 70s and whooping as they do. I can only stand by and watch rolling my eyes, less I be called a “feminazi” and all that daft jazz. I think it’s time to stop questioning the stories I read. I really should no longer be surprised.

  11. NickM says:

    Libertarians are not libertines.

  12. RAB says:

    Some of us are! :-)

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