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Dumb, Dumber & Dumbest

A few years ago in the afternoon C4 used to show a quiz show called “15-1”. It was a proper quiz with quite hard questions and a hint of tactical play. The ultimate prize at the end of a series was a nice classical antiquity and the knowledge that you’d actually got that prize through erudition and skill. It was replaced a couple of years ago in the schedules with Deal or No Deal. This is a “game” of such moronic stupidity that when I first saw it I watched awe-struck. It’s essentially a big-money guessing game with the reprehensible Noel Edmonds geeing up a bunch of retards to open shoe boxes. Ludicrously he asks the contestants if they have a strategy. If there is a strategy to opening boxes at random then my discrete math and statistical mechanics lecturers lied to me. Apparently Edmonds is into something called “Cosmic Ordering” which boils down to getting whatever you want as long as you really, really, really want it. The last time I tried that I was about six years old and it was a BMX. I’ll try again. Right now I really want to be in hot-tub in Hawaii sharing umbrella drinks with Dita von Teese and Uma Thurman. Oh Bugger! I’m still in a shed in Cheshire typing this tripe.

I thought the game show could sink no lower…

I was wrong. Not to be outdone in the headlong dive to the shallow end of the gene pool the BBC introduced Hole in The Wall. The celebrity contestants wear jumpsuits which leave very little to the imagination and a giant polystrene wall with an odd-shaped hole moves towards them. The contestant(s) have to contort themselves to fit through the hole or the wall knocks them into a swimming pool. And that Dear Reader is it. That is Saturday night prime-time entertainment from our beloved state broadcaster. I doubt Orwell himself could have conceived of such inane prolefeed.

I thought the game show could sink no lower…

I was wrong. Enter stage-left five* with Heads or Tails.

Heads or Tails is a brand new prime-time game show hosted by Justin Lee Collins.
The game is based on contestants correctly calling the results of a series of ‘Heads or Tails’ coin flips to win a cash sum. On the way they can elicit the help and advice of relatives, friends and a celebrity guest as to what their call should be. The object is for the player to amass as much money and as many lives as they can into a prize fund that becomes the basis for a ‘Double or Halve your Money’ end game.

Oh Gods! “elicit the help and advice of relatives, friends and a celebrity guest”. Seriously. Asking the advice of some member of a largely forgotten boyband to predict the toss of a coin. Why did I ever bother to learn probability theory? Why? I could have just asked Jordan’s massively pneumatic mammaries**…

A few years back the long-running Viz strip Roger Mellie the Man on the Telly had Roger suggest to his producer a new gameshow called “Celebrity Shit in a Bucket”. You’d get a minor sleb up a step ladder and contestants would guess if they could accurately defecate into a bucket. It would not surprise me to see this turn-up fronted by Ant & Dec on ITV1.

*The singer/actor turned businessman Adam Faith’s last words before his ticker gave out were apparently, “It’s all shit on five”. Whilst hardly a Wildean way to go there is no doubt as to the veracity of Mr Faith’s final observation.
**If she ever has any breast problems she doesn’t see a doctor – she goes to Kwik Fit.


  1. Ayrdale says:

    Yes, same here in NZ.

    Bizarre isn’t it ? The MSM continues to commit suicide while technology (thank God) continues to deliver alternatives such as the blogosphere.

  2. permanentexpat says:

    ‘Hole in The Wall’ also graces TV here in Portugal…no wonder they’re our oldest allies. Who else in his right mind would have us,,,we share appalling bad taste.

  3. I love this blog. Best damn read you can get anywhere.

  4. howie mandel of deal or no deal is a super great host*;-

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