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Book Titles That Shouldn’t

A few days ago I was mooching in a book-shop…

I can’t recall the exact title but it caused a titter in Nick-land…

It went something like this:

“The History of the Trial – from Socrates to OJ Simpson”.

Now Socrates (pronounced “So-crates” for I have seen Bill and indeed Ted sharing a most excellent adventure) was some beardy Greek way back when pederasty was a thing to be flaunted – and not just in the Catholic Church either. So fuck him! Well you know what I mean – sort of. OJ Simpson on the other hand was some sort of sporting-man playing a game that appears to me to be simply an excuse for more statistics than the IPCC can trot-out.

Digression: I am a profound Ameriphile but not a complete one. America has done many wonderful things but is hardly perfect – is anywhere? Any “sport” that involves getting-out a tape-measure every five minutes is not something I can get into. I do though have a weakness for cheerleaders so I guess there is a compensation. I also have a weakness for belly-dancers so God knows where that puts me in the Great War on Terror. I suppose on the right side because I can’t imagine that humourless cunt bin Laden is much into the sensuous aspects of the exotic East. He probably thinks having a lamb pakora is pushing the boat out a bit too much. God alone knows what he’d think of a 72oz beer, a foot-long chilli-dog and a bunch of nubile teenagers stacking themselves…

Back to the rather dismal point though I’d prefer to stick with cheerleaders (and the beer and the chilli-dog if anyone is buying). But back, alas, to the point…

And then OJ Simpson became an “actor”. I use the word in it’s loosest and most perjorative sense (for he was shite). And then he stabbed his ex and her new boyf (yes, he did – allegedly – but he did didn’t he?) and then a supposedly scholarly tome titles itself after both “The Juice” and the father of the entire Western Philosophical tradition. Well obviously it didn’t title itself. It required some wankenstein of a cunt-pole to do that for it but you get my generalized drift and I am calling toss-pottery of the first water here and indeed fuckwittery of the second Bacardi Breezer as well. On someone. They know who they are and I just hope they can live with it. Although if I get them in a dark alley that will not need to be for much longer.

What next… “Fat, Lazy Fuckers – From Gautama Buddha to Jade Goody”?

PS. “the father of the entire Western Philosophical tradition”. I guess it could have been Thales or some other toga-lifter. But the point remains. Regardless of his bottological antiquities I was just stunned to see So-crates mentioned in the same sentence as the thorough waste of DNA that is OJ Simpson.


  1. Sam Duncan says:

    “Great Statesmen – From Julius Caesar to Gordon Brown”

    “Western Culture – From Homer to The X-Factor”

    “Apple Computer – From the Apple II to the iPad”

    “Any “sport” that involves getting-out a tape-measure every five minutes is not something I can get into.”

    So that’s bowls out too, then. Probably for the best, on the whole.

    The great mystery of the late 20th Century United States is how professional Football managed to supplant baseball as the national spectator sport (although player strikes and drug usage may provide a partial explanation). Ignorant Brits who’ve never watched so much as an inning may scoff at the latter, but it’s an infinitely better short-form bat-and-ball game than the bastardized cricket of Twenty20, for example. I still haven’t forgiven Channel 5 for dropping it last year… and retaining the bloody NFL.

  2. NickM says:

    Baseball is a fine game. Though it does tend to com with stats.

  3. Nick,
    This is the 2nd time I’ve heard you rant about the first down marker (tape) in American football. Yes, we measure the distance. Yes, we keep up with the statistics. How else can we tell who is best? (Which is what drives our society, perhaps.)
    WHO DAT ??? (Look it up.)

    O.J. won the criminal trial, but was convicted in the civil trial (something we invented for those occasions when the jury didn’t get it right the first time, or lawyers feel that there is additional money to be made.)
    Therefore, it is legal to refer to Simpson as an acquitted murderer.

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