Now the BMJ is calling for a crusade against pointy kitchen knives in a bid to stop knife crime (aka the new peadophilia). This really is silly. They argue that reducing the availability of such items will, er, cut impulsive stabbings. Maybe it would but we’d probably also see a dramatic rise in depressed skull fractures from hammer attacks at the same time. That of course is the, er, point. I’ve seen enough episodes of McGuyver and the A-Team to know almost anything can be used lethally. In any case if the availability of pointy knives is a facilitator for fatal assaults then why has our current “epidemic of knife crime” not involved the kitchens of our restaurants. Head chefs are notoriously tetchy and have a piratical array of pointy things with which to deal death to a hapless sous-chef who “drowned” the dish in olive oil rather than drizzled it so why aren’t they stabbing each other over collapsed souffles and overcooked steaks at a dizzying rate?
The good Dr Beckett’s final paragraph is priceless:
Kitchen knives could be redesigned so that they retain their cooking function, but are not lethal. But as it stands, you can go into a supermarket and buy for £10 something that’s a murder weapon - no questions asked.”
What the hell is that driving towards? Licensing for stabby things? Customers signing something promising not to shiv anyone? It’ll be screwdrivers next and I have a set of unlicensed posidrives. Well, as Leonides said to the Persians, “Come and get them!”
“…you can go into a supermarket and buy for £10 something that’s a murder weapon…”
Hence forth that is what the objects formerly known as knives shall be referred to in my cement coffin - formerly known as my home.
Yeah and that petrol you put in your car is a “chemical precursor to napalm”.
As a kid, me and my brother (and our little mates) had knives. Boy scouts have knives, Neanderthals had knapped flints… The capacity to cut things and the capacity to make fire are absolute foundations of survival. Even Ray Mears would wind-up dead very rapidly without his trusty knife and whatever convoluted method he’s currently using to start a fire.
Talking of lethality. I once saw Jackie Chan beat the hell out of a load of people with a step-ladder. I once got out of a tricky situation myself with a steam iron (death by Rowenta!) and once temporarily blinded an assailant with wet grass-cuttings. None of these were lethal assaults but they could easily have been followed up by a booting to the noggin which is certainly potentially lethal.
God knows what these folks would make of my garden power tools.
They dont muck about round our way.
Right hard bastards!
They have all moved on to carrying garden forks…
Oh and there’s a craze for forced trepanning involving cordless drills that has been obscured and ignored by the media in the hysteria over plain ol knives…
I have just alighted from a genocide machine (the bus) which I used to visit the place of a 1000 possible poisons (Tescos) whilst there I was horrified to see dozens of potential future murderers (children) make manoeuvres of self harm (running) while their government approved guardians (parents) stood ideally by and exchanged noises of possible offence (expressing opinions). And some of them bought heart attack dust (salt).
Oy.
But what about pointed sticks?
I have a most excellent “poking stick”.
[...] Just read the damn thing. (H/T to Nick). [...]
[...] Just read the damn thing. (H/T to Nick). [...]