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Beyond Thunderdomes

Having agreed with a French feminist I feel the need to cleanse myself with a spot of end of the pier smut.

I was having lunch eating a packet of Rowntrees Fruit Gums and drinking pomegranate juice with carbonated Tesco Value water whilst watching Jeremy Brett as Sherlock Holmes on ITV3 today and I was struck by a commercial…

It was one of those ads for mail-order clothing of the sort bought by side show freaks too ashamed to go into shops. You know the sort of stuff – Sizes 18-30*. Now 18 I can easily picture but 30 is definitely muumuu, wash yourself with a rag on the end of a stick territory. This company also offered lingerie to bra-size 56L! 56L!! 56L!!! That’s not lingerie, that’s… heavy engineering**. I mean that’s the kind of bra that would be commonplace if the bra was the invention of Isambard Kingdom Brunel. You could safely leap out of an aeroplane holding one of those above your head. An entire homeless Haitian family could be accomodated in one cup whilst the clowns of Fred Carno’s Circus could drive their collapsing jallopy to humourless applause around the other. Snow White could feed all seven of the dwarfs with knockers like that and she wouldn’t even need to sit down***. I mean I tend to think of D as busty but L is way past the duggulent. God alone knows what a bra of that size needs to be made of but it’s got to be another one of those technological spin-offs from NASA.

Which only leaves one question really. Who makes such enormous bras? I think I might have an idea though…

*That’s UK dress sizes.
**For some reason whenever I think about it I hear in my head the Imperial March from Star Wars.
***Easter egg scene on the Region 2 Anniversary Special Edition DVD box set.

9 Comments

  1. RAB says:

    Heh! I was watching the Resident Patient last night on ITV Player and saw that one too.

    Who makes them? Well I remember seeing a documentary before the Dot Com bubble burst, about 3 businesses using the Net.

    One was set up by a bunch of flash youngsters who were basically selling pet supplies. They were being besieged by Venture Capitalists and bankers throwing ludicrous amounts of money at them. They spent a shedload on bigging up the office and furniture, all glass and chrome, and everyone had fancy titles.

    The second one was Alan Sugarbabes Amstrad, he had lost control of the company at that point, and had the Consultants in, all talking business bullshit in yard long streaks. He was getting a bit irritated.

    The third was a Devon farmer’s wife who was of Pam Ferris dimensions in Darling buds of May. She couldn’t find bras etc in the shops to fit, so she decided to make her own.
    The farm wasn’t making any money, so she set up operations in one of the disused cowsheds. She got a website set up, and a few ladies from the village on the sowing machines, and off she went.
    The same banks and Venture capitalists were beating a path to her door, offering huge amounts of cash, to help her move into swish new offices and such, but she turned them down flat. She knew her market you see.

    Guess which of the three businesses is still up and running?
    Yep the busty farmer’s wife from Devon.

  2. ScotsToryB says:

    Snigger!

    ‘sowing machines’.

    My bad…

    STB.

  3. RAB says:

    Thanks STB.
    If you think that it was a typo on by behalf, well I may not have seen Nick’s St Mellons joke a while back straight off because I grew up round there, but Pam Ferris, Cowsheds? pull the udder one!

    Talking of jokes and this site. I have noticed those buggers on Mock the Week using at least three that they could only have got from here, in the last two episodes.
    Nick and Cats should put in a claim for Royalties. ;-)

  4. El Draque says:

    Who makes them?
    I kid you not, there’s a town in China that makes three-quarters of the bras for the entire USA.
    I have a recurring image of a small Chinese girl sewing a simply colossal bra for an unimaginably huge American woman and nearly dying of laughter.

  5. ScotsToryB says:

    My pleasure, Sir!

    STB.

    p.s. ‘on by behalf’.

    …!

    But, I agree re mock tet weak(?). Which is why I gave up tit telly and now rely ont bloggers.

    I think this may be a meeting of minds: ours?

    STB.

  6. JuliaM says:

    “This company also offered lingerie to bra-size 56L!”

    Surely, any woman who needed a bra this size wouldn’t need a bra at all? She’d be unable to stand erect, wouldn’t she?

  7. Rob Fisher says:

    Just how big is L? Is there an ISO standard I can look up?

  8. NickM says:

    Rob,
    I had to research this. I Googled and lit on a website called “braexperience.com” or similar. They didn’t have piccies of the udderfull because the bras in question started at like 36D and those were the models they had clearly chosen. God alone knows what 56L looks like. I suspect it’s a bit like carrying Ronnie Corbett on your chest but don’t quote me on that. There is apparently also an M cup size. The mind boggles. The mind really boggles at the fact that that site had links (but no product) for 34L. Jeebus wept. That’s gotta be a dodgy Thai surgeon that a normal looking (normal looking – clearly not normal in many other respects) woman goes to with a volleyball cut in half and says, “Can you stick these in mate?”

  9. El Draque says:

    But does the lady need a bra? There is a scientific test for that.
    The Pencil Test.
    If a pencil can be held horizontally and raised under the breast, and does not stay in position when released, no bra is required.
    Simples.
    I did know a German girl who tried it with a rolling pin and still needed a bra.

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