Counting Cats in Zanzibar Rotating Header Image

The Pledge

I am sick to the back teeth of hearing who did or didn’t screw Ashley or Cheryl Cole.

It is a matter of such supernatural irrelevance to me that I should be communicating this fact to you by the medium (not large) of Derek Acorah and not via the internet.

Whilst buying cheese in the Co-Op I had an epiphany – as many do – it’s frankly amazing to me that my local Co-Op is not the foundation of numerous religions. You see you have to queue by the newspapers. Now, the Argies are kicking-off about the Falklands (again) and the Prime Monster is throwing cell-phones (again) but most of the papers are obsessed with the marriage of a dim-witted tart to a passable defender. Well, it made me think. It also enabled me time to think because the staff at my local Co-Op are generally out the back having a fag.

A few years ago I took the oath. I decided I would not watch Eastenders anymore. I have stuck to this for that show is shite. The tipping point was the Bradley, his missus and his Dad’s love triangle though looking back the earlier realisation that I would cheerfully unleash an Avenger Cannon on the entire inhabitants of Albert Square with the possible exception of Dot Cotton was the real point of victory if not actual triumph over my addiction. When the likes of me finds that the only person he can even begin to identify with in a show is an elderly extremely Christian lady despite being a 30-ish male agnostic then questions have to be asked…

Anyway. I have a new pledge and I ask you to honour it. Whilst standing with my (as yet) unbought mature cheddar (that might have made me complete) I saw the papers yesterday. It was this headline (possibly on the front of the Daily Mail) that pushed me over the edge. It went like this… “What was Derek doing in Cheryl’s room at 4AM”. There is only one rational answer to such a question and it is: I don’t fucking care! Although, obviously, it was implying sexual intercourse of some form I couldn’t give a toss. They could have been playing gin-rummy or discussing Hegelian Metaphysics for all I give a flying one.

Thus was born the “Nick Pledge”…

Repeat after me…

I (insert name) do solemnly swear that I will not give a toss about any “news” about “celebs” now or for the rest of my three score years and ten (or the duration). I do not care about Pete Doherty being scrobbled by the rozzers for having crystal-meth, I don’t give a fig about whoever any member of a girl-band sleeps with or whoever any boy-band member had a fight with. I just don’t care and I seriously don’t care a flying-fuck about anything Cheryl Cole does or doesn’t do with the admittedly unlikely caveat of her inventing time-travel.

Now if you think this is needlessly draconian then note I use “celebs” in scare quotes. This does not apply to the genuinely famous. Don’t feel bad if you recall where you were when you heard Elvis died or Lennon was shot or Kylie was diagnosed with cancer (that later one got even my obsidian heart). For there is a difference between stars and celebs. There is in short a difference between Cheryl Cole (pointless Geordie alleged songstress, professional WAG, utter racist (that has been conveniently forgotten has it not since she married a black man who then wronged her?)) and in general the most useless transaction my native city conducted since they started importing coals) and, say, Sir Elton John who is a star. Say what you like about him he’s a trouper and can play the old Joanna (though he’d rather play the old Jeff) and write and sing songs. Don’t get me wrong here. I personally don’t like the tunes of the short, be-rugged, queer Watford fan but… Fair play to the fella! He has brought pleasure to millions in a way Ms Cole’s off-key caterwauling for Girls Aloud quite simply hasn’t unless your definition of pleasure involves listening to tapes of cats being spayed. And when she blubs on X-Factor (as she always does) I wish to summon the fires of hell – alas I can’t… The dismal binticule she really is.

So honour the pledge. We have had enough of celebrities. I have anyway. I shall celebrate the great, the good, the genuinely famous but celebrities can go fuck themselves with furled copies of the News of The World which is frankly what they do to themselves anyway.

Just last week I read every single one of the 255 names on the war memorial to our dead from the Falklands in 1982 in St Paul’s Cathedral, London. Kinda puts stuff in perspective, really.


  1. Sir Henry Morgan says:

    Back when I had been married about 15 years my wife and I were going through a serious patch of rowing all the time. I asked if she would – just as an experiment “pretty please” – stop watching EE for a month. She did … and by the end of the month we were getting on just fine.

    I’ve encountered even Japanese porn in my time on the web. Even that is not as appalling as EE.

  2. View from the solent says:

    Keep your television turned off for one month. After that month, you will throw it away.

  3. mike says:

    To be fair, Ashley Cole is a bit better than “passable” (I’m sure most Newcastle fans would bite Abramovich’s hand off to have him at Sid James’), but that quibble aside, what a topper rant!

  4. Dungeekin says:

    I’ve been doing it for ages anyway, so am very happy to support the Pledge.

    The constant stream of news about pointless, talentless ‘slebs’, indiscreent sportsmen and sundry other idiots serve only to provide satirical material.


  5. Nick M says:

    The Toon Army would be in a state of rapture if they signed me. And that is saying something. I said what I did because of the way UK commntators are raptorous about Cole for being “comfortable on the ball” and well… That’s the minimum we require for a premier-league player. I mean I’ve seen Italy defend and Paulo Maldini he is not…

    Oddly enough I think Tiger Wood’s “apology” might have influenced me here. mainly in that whilst I have heard of it (there are folks in yurts in Mongolia that have) I haven’t heard it. If you are unfaithful to your wife it’s her you ought to be apologising to – well grovelling to – and not Gilette or Nike.

    When kebab saleswoman St Jade of Goody kicked the bucket their were comments at The Times or Telegraph expressing the sure and certain knowledge that she would be in heaven with Princess Diana. Diana of course was also (again The Times) in heaven with Mother Thereasa. All I could conclude was that if that’s true it must be hell (JP Sartre ref) and that the tabloids had brutalised me for thinking that because Jade Goody’s story is essentially tragic. So another, key part of The Pledge, is an understanding of ‘slebs as being like us.

  6. “I (insert name) do solemnly swear that I will not give a toss about any “news” about “celebs” now or for the rest of my three score years and ten (or the duration).”

    But that’s the bloody problem – we can’t escape it, even if we wanted to. When the BBC website spend as much time talking about Cheryl Cole, Jordan and Tiger Woods, how can we possibly expect to get some decent news coverage?

  7. Andrew Duffin says:

    View from the Solent has it about right imho.

    I also maintain a list of “people I would prefer never to hear of, or from, or about, again, ever”.

    Currently the list is: Princess Diana, Nicola Horlick, Madeleine McCann, Jade Goody, Michael Jackson, Marjorie Scardino, and (now) Cheryl Cole.

    Further suggestions welcome.

  8. NickM says:

    Who are Nicola Horlick and Marjorie Scardino?

  9. XX JuliaM
    February 25, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    You’re not the only one to feel that way… XX

    Considering the links bar on the right hand side of the Mail story there (“Femail today” or some such shite), I think they have the biggest fucking cheek in the world to complain about other media outlets coverage of shit head “celebrities”.

  10. ivan says:

    It raises the response: If this is what the general population sees as news then heaven help the country.

  11. NickM says:

    It’s obscene. What’s the biggest recent story involving surgery? Well, an Italian doctor has got a potential surgical treatment that might greatly benefit up to 55% of MS sufferers. Now that’s a story. But of course it isn’t as good a story as Jordan having another tit augmentation to the extent that she is now stumbling around with the equivalent of Ronnie Corbett in her bra. No of course not!

    And we all know St Diana of Wails touched someone with Aids. What is less well known is the scientist who developed combined therapy for HIV infection which is vastly more effective than the touch of a Sloane Ranger was killed over Lockerbie.

    Oh and really, folks…

    Who are Nicola Horlick and Marjorie Scardino?

    I mean have they got laser-fusion to work or discovered the Higgs boson or something? Or did they just sleep with Wayne Bridge? I once temped with someone who slept with Wayne Bridge. Can I be famous? Hell, she’d also slept with Keiron Dyer but then who hasn’t?

  12. Stonyground says:

    Could it be that our news media being saturated with wall to wall celebrity drivel is a deliberate ploy to keep the population stupid and ignorant? Well no probably not it is far more likely to be just that stupid sells papers. I did not have to take a pledge as I have absolutely no interest in celebs anyway.

  13. Johnathan Pearce says:

    At least George Best shagged several
    Miss Worlds, was a football genius and
    reduced Terry Wogan to silence. He was a real star
    compared to the lightweights of today

  14. TDK says:

    You lose me a bit by declaring exceptions.

    John Lennon’s media personality was as cringe-worthy as Cheryl Cole outside music. Lennon’s politics were an embarrassment. And blaming Bagism and Bed-ism on Ono merely switches the sin from stupidity to naivety.

  15. NickM says:

    Not my point TDK.
    I bet you can hum a Lennon tune. I can. They could threaten me with the staple-gun and the blow-torch and I wouldn’t be able to achieve a single bar of the mighty ouevre of Girls Aloud. And BTW that is in full appreciation that Lennon’s magnificent octupus, “Imagine” is quite possibly the most repellent thing ever performed upon the piano-forte since Erroll Flynn got his cock out to play show-tunes.

    Absolutely JP. I saw Ollie Reed on some navel-gazing late-night crapulence on C4 in the ’80s. He was discussing with a feminist and opened with the line, “The first time I ever shot a woman…” And he died pissed as a fart under a table in a bar in Malta after having arm-wrestled (and won) with Russian sailors a third his age.

    That is a way to go.

  16. RAB says:

    Oh dear! the mention of Ollie has brought another anecdote to mind folks.

    When I was still in the Crown Court, this diamond geezer was our all time favorite defendant. The whole staff used to troop into the courtroom to see him sentenced, but more often aquitted.
    He is Maurice Kirk, the flying vet. He came to our attention because he had a long standing feud with a Sargeant in the Taunton police. He is alleged to have broken into the police station down there once and nicked all the casework against him.
    The Bristol Evening Post even got fined for contempt of court, for the headline Flying vet Maurice Kirk in court again…
    His first wife was a stunner, who he married freefall parachuting, lord knows what his new wife looks like!
    He was arrested once being drunk in charge of an aircraft when landing at Taunton and calling to the Control Tower for shotguns to be brought out to the aircraft because there were so many rabbits running around and he fancied one for dinner.

    But getting back to Ollie Reed, Maurice spent some time on Jersey and Ollie was in an hotel there one day. Well things got a bit out of hand , and Ollie had an arguement with some folk who threw him through a plate glass window.
    He was in a bit of a mess there, when who should be in the same bar but Maurice. He being a vet stitched him up better than a qualified doctor, and they became firm friends.
    Yep, give me people like this to hang out with anytime, rather than the so called celebs we have now.

  17. TDK says:

    And you miss my point

    Is an article in Ok/Hello/Chat/etc showing Elton John and partner in his lovely new home, any less nauseating than an article showing Cheryl Cole and partner in her lovely new home?

    Does it become better because I like Your Song more than The Promise?

  18. [...] new album coming out and Alison Goldfrapp has also just been outed as having a girlfriend. This is The Pledge you see. This apparently was big news over the weekend. The lesbian relationship that is. Not the [...]

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: