Up until the age of twenty two I always knew who was in the top-ten in the music charts.
I no longer have any idea. I’ve discussed this with my rough contemporaries and I am not alone.
It is the misfits parade of boy-bands, girl-bands and X-factor wannabes that’s done that. The last great hurrah of the British music industry chart-wise was in the mid-90s with the likes of Suede, Portishead, Massive Attack, St Etienne and Pulp and now it’s primarily just stuff Otis would reject. And I don’t mean Otis Redding. I mean the lift manufacturer.
But do not be down-hearted! There is more to popular music than that drivel. I suppose if it oils your skidoo runners there is always the Cold-Playing Arctic Monkeys on Snow Patrol. Or, if you’re like me you could listen to something a little warmer.
Goldfrapp have a new album coming out and Alison Goldfrapp has also just been outed as having a girlfriend. This is The Pledge you see. This apparently was big news over the weekend. The lesbian relationship that is. Not the album. Now call me… I dunno what but I like Goldfrapp and Gregory’s electro-pop and who Ms Goldfrapp sleeps with is a mature of such supernatural irrelevance to me I’m having to type this one-handed whilst texting Derek Acorah.
Cheryl Cole is still gripping the headlines for no reason at all obvious to me. She truly is a veritable a Large Hadron Collider of a hard vacuum when it comes to matters of intellect, personability, coolness, musical talent or sex-appeal. I mean Alison Goldfrapp once played a Theremin with her groin live on stage. Now that’s rock and roll. I would have paid good money to see that. I wouldn’t cross the street to see Cheryl Cole’s off-key caterwauling of songs of such mediocrity that the play of track one of a sample CD put a Muzak producer into a catatonic state. To be fair mind she doesn’t do too much of that these days being mainly pre-occupied with giving toilet attendants black eyes, being married (or not*) to a scrote, blubbing on ITV1 and revealing all to the Daily Mirror. She’s not going to do an interview with Piers Morgan is she? That would be a televisual singularity that would blow the whole of spacetime to kibbles and bits. I could cheerfully, whilst whistling a medley of songs from the shows, torture Piers Morgan to death with a runcible spoon. I have looked through a microscope at nematodes that deserve more rights than that profoundly cunticulated fuckbastarding shitemonging veritable pugwash of a prolapsed rectum of an excuse for a proto-simian.
Anyway. You can read the interview with Alison Goldfrapp here and if you want to go mad and tear out your eyes with an allen key from an IKEA flat-pack coffee table you can read about Cheryl Cole pretty much everywhere else.
Or just judge from these videos…
This is a daft slag who is a complete charisma-free zone trogging out lyrics that make Dr Seuss read like Jorge Luis Borges…
God almighty! That’s absolutely fucking awful for even embedding it here I expect the SAS to kick down the door any moment and drag me off to the Hague for a trial for crimes against humanity. If they fitted Reaper drones with speakers and played that over the ‘stan bin Laden would emerge from his cave and beg to surrender.
Which do you reckon is better? And also – and this is a factor – Cheryl Cole is perhaps more classically physically beautiful (though the obvious fact that behind her eyes she has a 1K Sinclair ZX-81 rather than a brain does count against) but which of the two do you reckon you’d find more attractive (a different thing) or have more fun in bed with. That (obviously now) applies to both male and female readers.
Alison clearly rocks and Cheryl clearly sucks (but doesn’t swallow**)
*On the back of Cheryl Cole’s neck is a tattoo declaring she is “Mrs C”. Cue Nelson Muntz – Ha Ha!
**In my book the sign of an utter slag who doesn’t view sex in terms of passion, love or desire but in demented terms of power and cash and control.